I think I have a crush on someone other than my husband please help me sort it out

[Archibaldcat]

My friends husband and I have had what I guess is an EA since feb . They have four kids , I have two . It started a few months ago and since has been on and off . We ve kissed but that's all physically , exchanged very flirty texts , but this also blows hot and cold as we ve had our ups and downs . I think the problem is I feel I am getting a connection to him , I can't understand why it's happening really , I don't even particularly like him but feel very attracted to him . I feel very guilty about my friend and my dh . Please help , I don't know if this is a crush in which case I need to grow up and stop but I can't stop thinking about him . It's affecting most aspects if my life :((( thank u

Thank u for all your advice . It's very hard to totally distance myself without distancing myself from my friend as she doesn't have many friends and believe it or not I do actually like her . Deleting his number is def a way forward . Giving myself six months to work on my marriage is also very good advice .

Then focus on spending time with your friend, not her husband, and spend time with your own husband.

It's not that easy as he's always around . I know it sounds like an excuse . No my dh snd him aren't friends , he can't stand him ...

What do you mean he's always around?

If you meet your friend for a drink/shopping trip does he come? Surely he has the children to look after in these circumstances

If you mean you see her at their home then go when he isn't there

If you mean it's because he keeps coming over then stop inviting him.

You don't have to spend time with this man if you don't want to - especially if your husband loathes him probably sees what a complete shit he is

i actually like her

Oh my, aren't you just a treat!

Get out of your ridiculous fantasy and get real! Disgusting behaviour

See your friend when her husband is at work.

Organise a time for you and your friend to go out, away from her husband

You've said your dh doesn't like him (seems a good judge of character to me) so there's no need for you to all get together.

Stop hanging around waiting for him to turn up.

Why did you marry your husband, what was it about him that attracted you? Remember that next time your friends husband pops into your head.

Plan something with your husband, go out for dinner, a picnic in the park, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, whatever, do something different. Don't let this rut you've fallen into become permanent. Talk to him, about something other than the children. You can stop this before it gets too out of hand

You like her, well you've a fucking funny way of showing it.
God love the poor woman, very few friends and you are one of them. I am sure she would rather not see you at all than accept you having an affair with her husband as the price of 'friendship'.
Of course you can see her without him being around FFS. Invite her to yours, go for coffee, call around when he's out. Or are you actually enjoying the furtive looks and the frisson of being close while you poor friend is right there beside you?

Good advice to do something different with my husband , something out of the ordinary . Think u for your advice most of you . I do think some of u are incredibly judgemental and black snd white . Live has grey areas .

There is no grey area that means its acceptable to be having it off with your friends husband. None at all. End of.

I dont really get the impression that things are going to change much.
It is all a bit half hearted.
Up to you of course.
But you do have control over the situation.
Your life can become black and white if you want it do. But you prefer the grey.

Can't you put yourself in your friend's situation for a minute or two? Imagine how you would feel if your husband was flirting, texting and kissing a friend of yours, someone you thought was a real friend? There's no grey area here, you are behaving very selfishly, and when the shit hits the fan - and it will, it always does- you will regret every minute you have spent fantasising about this other man.

If this is what you do to someone you like, what do you do to people that you don't?

pah, she's not bothered.
Life has grey areas dont you know.

Part of me really hopes this is made up and someone is just bored. How anyone can justify flirting, and more, with their friend's husband, is baffling. Even as teenagers, me and my friends had an unwritten rule where we didn't poach each other's boyfriends, and that was way before marriage and babies.

I just feel like some of u judge , others listen and understand that they re only human too snd make helpful comments . Being spiteful is not in any way helpful tbh .

Crikey OP, with friends like you, who needs enemies?!

I'm slightly surprised you think he might treat you better than your DH treats you. He's betraying, and lying to, his wife and the mother of his children. If he can do that to her, why on earth do you think he'd treat you any differently? I doubt that you're the first, or that you'll be the last.

You're right, life does have grey areas. But not in this instance. Your behaviour is wrong and there is no way you can dress it up as being in a grey area. One of the women my father had an affair with when I was a child pretended to be friends with my mum and it hurt her far more than when it was just a random stranger because it was a double whammy. And if I sound judgemental to you, it's because I am judging you. I have no patience for the sort of behaviour you're describing.

There was a thread like this one last week.
She engaged with the posters, answered questions that posters put to her, did soul searching, went away and thought for a bit, came back with some more info etc.
You are not really doing any of that.

You are listening though.

I am listening . I just hate the way people are so rude sometimes . I didn't mean for this to happen it just did . And I do not want to hurt my friend which is why I posted in the first place . To help me forget him .

It's difficult not to be judgemental when you don't seem to understand how badly you are behaving. This is not a grey area. You and this man are not single, you are both married to other people, you call yourself a friend of his wife, for goodness sake. Be honest with yourself, and maybe a bit of soul searching will help. Why is your life so dull that you need to flirt with a friend's husband?

But that is the whole point. Nothing just happens. You made a choice, a decision and it was wrong. I have been married for 25 years and occasionally have fancied someone else. But I have never, ever done anything about it and never would. Our marriage has had it's dull times, but when that happens, I make the point of hugging and kissing DH even more than I would normally do. And then we come out of the bad patch and things improve.

I have a strong moral compass and would never cheat - no grey areas for me.

It happened because you chose it.

Facing up to your responsibility in this, and recognising that the situation exists solely because you made those choices is an important step.

If you do not recognise that you are the one who did this, you are unlikely to realise that it is only by deliberate choice that you can extricate yourself.

Of course, if you don't want to extricate yourself that's also your choice. This isn't something that's just happening though. If you let it continue, it's because you have decided it is the best thing for your future.

I would however counsel that you end your marriage first.

And also consider a different OM - one who doesn't have DC at the same school as yours to spare them the additional hurt that comes when you shit on your own doorstep and cause all that extra collateral damage.

I'm afraid your responses aren't making me feel very understanding. You say she doesn't have many friends. To be honest, I think she'd be better off with one less.

Which parts of the advice have you found helpful?

Nothing 'just happens' - when he first made overtures to you, you could easily have rebuffed him and told your friend what a sleazy git her husband was, and told your husband how this man had come onto you. That would have stopped him in his tracks. You seem to think this is some sort of romantic adventure. It's not, you are being sordid, and cruel.