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Original poster

Flyaway wife

51 replies

MilgramsLittleHelper · 04/06/2013 16:49

My wife and I have been married for almost three years and we?re happy to say that we?re expecting our little one in later on this year :). My DW is a Flight Attendant which being long haul means her jetting off for several days then sleeping for a day when she comes back, a two day rest, then back on the aircraft again. Maybe I?m being a bit unfair, but (and I know this sounds sad) I could do with her being here helping out in the evenings instead of being in some hotel in a far flung destination. She raised the argument that she?d be off a few days a week so we?d save on some childcare costs. I work full time leaving 7am and getting back at about 7pm for a very average wage. luckily DW?s parents will be on hand to help out when we?re not there, but it seems unfair to involve them so much. Money is also a problem as I?m up to my neck in Credit Card and Loan debt. The only reason I?m so is because I?ve tried to keep the household finances running virtually all on my own. It?s a battle. As much as I like my DWs job the moneys absolutely crazy. I just wish she?d get a different job just so we could start to lead a more fulfilled life and actually make ends meet and of course I wouldn't feel like solitary Dad . Am I being unfair??

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2013 17:01

Well if you are living beyond your means and you now have a baby arriving then you really need to sit down and sort out finances as a priority!!
This is the 1st thing to tackle.
Where is all your money going? Why are you living beyond your means?
I know a flight attendant that has a child and she's always done it her and DH cope just fine. DC is now 7 years old.
If it's that she doesn't earn much money then you need to have that chat.
She may well find when baby arrives, that she wants to be around more and then she can make the decision to get a different job.
What else is she qualified to do? This is something else you need to consider.
Congrats on your baby news by the way!

puckertoe · 04/06/2013 17:07

Time to make plans pretty urgently by the sound of it. You are about to become a family, thats more than the both of you. You really need to start behaving like grown ups, and stop frittering away the dosh. Live with in your means and make a budget and stick to it. Whilst its great to have GP around, they may not want or be able to be full time child minders.

Mumsyblouse · 04/06/2013 17:09

Milgram I don't have time (as tea time!) to say much about on your marital problems but can I just urge you to get debt counselling for free from a charity source like the CCCS (I think now called something else) or Payplan. They can help you set up a debt management plan so they contact all your creditors for you, arrange regular monthly payments and help you pay back. It's not a miracle cure but if you have multiple debts in lots of places that are spiralling, then they can help with managing this- and they are genuinely charities (there are lots of paid for ones as well, but they take a cut of the money paid back). If you go into a debt management plan, or an IVA you will feel better immediately, because you will be back in control of at least the debt spiral and then you can sit down and work out what is best with regard to family life/finances with your wife. But - please get help with this, so many people just get stuck in a cycle of debt and stress and there isn't any need to with that help out there.

Sleepyhoglet · 04/06/2013 18:55

When you say 'the money's crazy' do you mean that in a good or bad way? How much maternity leave will dw take? Perhaps she will see herself that it isn't the best job, but if you are in debt it might be better to hang onto that job of hers.

LessMissAbs · 04/06/2013 21:49

Why do you consider it possible for your wife to get a better paid, easier job and not yourself?

charlottesmum5 · 04/06/2013 22:47

The money is crazy??! What do you mean? My daughter is only 18 and works for an airline as cabin crew and earns great money. For an average 3 day week, sometimes 4, but only short haul destinations (mostly 2 hours or so) she is bringing home £1800 a month minimum. Have you got a joint account? If you have high outgoings now, what is it going to be like once you have to factor in childcare? Tbh I'm not sure she should still be flying if she is pregnant as I understand that crew have to be land based once they declare pregnancy?

Original poster
MilgramsLittleHelper · 05/06/2013 09:48

Hi and thanks for the comments.

She's now grounded so is doing light admin duties (what she hates :( ). Considering the bloody hard work she does I think her monies crazy yes, about £1300 a month including trip allowances. if she's ill she's not paid the trip allowances so you could drop about £400 a month say if you've got the flu. As she's grounded she now doesn't get trip allowances.

LessMissAbs: I do plan to get better paid work (it took me seven years of University level self study on top of full time working to get this far), but my work is highly specalised. if I leave the field then I'll loss the security against redundency, which of course you need with a new family.

Mumsyblouse thank you for the information. I'm trying so hard to pay off what I can. I should be debt free within about five years or so. Holding out as one of us needs to remain credit worthy so we can get a new rent (Very little private rental this way).

OP posts:
sar1133 · 05/06/2013 10:13

Horses mouth here. I am a flight attendant on maternity leave. Although no long haul, my base is 2 hours from my home. As for money I will get more money working part time 2 days a week at the airline than a full time job at home. I have my son to support so it's a no brainer. Plus asking her to give up her job is asking her to give up a piece of her. She may find when doing it she can't be away as often x

Mumsyblouse · 05/06/2013 10:15

You do not have to act on the advice they give you just consider the options. If you are paying out a lot in debt, you will really struggle with childcare bills as well. is your wife not credit-worthy? I agree to keep one partner credit-worthy if you can- but at the end of the day, depending how bad the debts are, i would seek advice, perhaps even stabilising the payments to a more affordable amount, because if you go under or your wife can't work for some reason (given what you have said about salaries if she isn't airbourne), then you are stuffed. I don't think your wife is going to walk out of an air hostess job and get one paying 2 grand a month, so I don't see how her changing jobs will help that much, plus if you have to find £1000 nursery fees, that's really going to hurt you.

I think you need to look at your finances with an expert and see what can go, what can be reduced, what childcare will look like and only then start to wonder about job changes. Children have to be cared for by someone, and if your wife starts working a well-paid job in say London (guessing you are there) she will be expected to do the long hours you currently do to- how will that work?

Mumsyblouse · 05/06/2013 10:18

Sar that's what I think- a part time job will be better in terms of minimising childcare expenses- no-one is going to employ your wife on twice the salary (what job anyway?) without wanting her to do full-time very long hours. You both won't be able to sustain that if you are commuting, or not easily anyway. i think you are unrealistic about what job your wife can get because you are panicking about money and see that as a solution, but it is not realistic- you need to get the money on a firmer footing, look into childcare NOW and also be realistic that having just given birth won't really be the time for her to be changing career and working very long hours, even if there were loads of jobs out there (which there are not!)

Slipshodsibyl · 05/06/2013 10:24

Why not wait until after the baby arrives to discuss her feelings about her current job? The reality of parenthood changes many things and it is more realistic to plan the way forward with some knowledge of what things will actually be like.

I do understand your concerns but as a parent whose partner has travelled a lot, it is doable if she cannot bear to give it up.

sar1133 · 05/06/2013 10:29

If she is pregnant she should have been grounded straight away. The airlines pay good money and will have to give her part time. It will be hard for me to leave my son one night a week especially as I've been through so much with him scbu etc but one night with grandparents or his dad will be fine. I love my job and just because I'm a mother now doesn't change that fact. I may feel differently in a years time we will see. What I'm saying is that it's up to your wife to make that decision. Plus you have time yet to make plans

QuintessentialOldDear · 05/06/2013 10:31

You are not going to save anything on child care costs when she is home, as the place will need to be paid on the basis of a full week. Hardly any childcare providers allow Ad hoc pay as you go childcare.

If you are lucky, you will find a very flexible childminder, but you might need to be prepared to look very hard.

Otherwise, an au pair or a nanny may be your best bet. Nurseries usually close around 6 pm. A child minder will be more flexible, but I am not sure you would find one that will provide 12 hours care a day.

Intrusive question, did you plan this baby? (You may not answer me on the thread, but ponder whether it is time to grow up and start planning life a little, and make smarter choices regards to work - niche or not, if not well paid)

Original poster
MilgramsLittleHelper · 05/06/2013 10:32

Thanks folks you've given me a great deal to think about. I think we could work around the financial side, we'd have to! . A little bit concerned at being alone for the little ones early days. I know Mrs would be returning to work fairly quickly because of the financial implications.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 05/06/2013 10:32

What I mean, you dont need to answer the question on the thread at all. Just think to yourself.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 05/06/2013 10:49

Sorry but you sound very unrealistic to me.
In terms of finance, do you think she could realistically get another job that pays the same or even more?

Original poster
MilgramsLittleHelper · 05/06/2013 10:56

Well yes, she was in Middle Management prior to retraining, but when you consider Child Care costs I'm inclined to agree with the majority of posters on her carrying on as is. I'm sure there's a way around this just takes a lot of discussion and a few opportunities.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 05/06/2013 11:11

Just a tip.

I'm ex cabin crew outs self and bitterly regret giving up flying after having my dd's.

I resent my h, and our marriage is on the rocks.

That is where you will head.

Good Luck!

Original poster
MilgramsLittleHelper · 05/06/2013 11:15

Aha thank you Long your tip has been noted :)

How long for? Were you Long Haul?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 05/06/2013 11:25

I was just shy of 15 years service. I was shorthaul. And on really good money.

My h wanted us to move to Oz because of his job. I hate it here, and been here nearly two years. Hence having to give my beloved job up. Every time my h pisses me off with something, I feel so Angry at him. I could have had several different part time contracts thrown at me, but obviously my h job was so much more important than mine Hmm Since we've been here, he hasn't even got a pay rise. He works for the same company, but within mining infrastructure, rather than building like it is in the Uk.

I'm currently pricing up how much my car is worth to sell as part of my exit stategy. We're not permanent residents, so I can leave whenever. I feel trapped in this marriage. A pretty shit place to be.

ratbagcatbag · 05/06/2013 11:26

Can you shift any debts at all? We did a snowball checker online, it blew us away that we were paying over£900 a month in repayments but only clearing £300 off balances. I shuffled to 0 PC Cards, this meant we were clearing full amounts off balances.

Finally if you have had any ppi, claim it, it can help wipe out any existing debt.

Sleepyhoglet · 05/06/2013 18:37

How would you feel if it were you in your wife's air hostess job and vice versa. You seem to be feeling sorry for yourself a little bit because you might have to do more than dad's usually do.

DistanceCall · 05/06/2013 19:12

So basically you want your wife to change jobs because you don't want to be with your baby on your own?

Do you know how many women are in that situation?

(And please, please don't tell me that yes, but they are THE MOTHER or some similar bollocks).

Raaraathenoisybaby · 05/06/2013 21:07

I'm really confused op. are you saying you will be a stay at home dad or that you will take paternity leave?
Does anyone want to stay at home with the baby?
How quickly is your dw going back to work? Is it just the money? Do you think she is frightened of being stick at home?

The debt and finance thing sounds quite ominous. How did you accrue the debt in the first place?

dementedma · 05/06/2013 22:02

Payplan helped us enormously with our debts by setting up a debt repayment plan. It took us six bloody years but made the last payment t last month! They are really helpful and saved our sanity and our marriage.