Flyaway wife

[MilgramsLittleHelper]

My wife and I have been married for almost three years and we?re happy to say that we?re expecting our little one in later on this year :). My DW is a Flight Attendant which being long haul means her jetting off for several days then sleeping for a day when she comes back, a two day rest, then back on the aircraft again. Maybe I?m being a bit unfair, but (and I know this sounds sad) I could do with her being here helping out in the evenings instead of being in some hotel in a far flung destination. She raised the argument that she?d be off a few days a week so we?d save on some childcare costs. I work full time leaving 7am and getting back at about 7pm for a very average wage. luckily DW?s parents will be on hand to help out when we?re not there, but it seems unfair to involve them so much. Money is also a problem as I?m up to my neck in Credit Card and Loan debt. The only reason I?m so is because I?ve tried to keep the household finances running virtually all on my own. It?s a battle. As much as I like my DWs job the moneys absolutely crazy. I just wish she?d get a different job just so we could start to lead a more fulfilled life and actually make ends meet and of course I wouldn't feel like solitary Dad . Am I being unfair??

Christ, I think you're wanting a lot out of your wife. You want her to have a baby, you want her to work full time, and you want her to go back to work quickly after giving birth for financial reasons. On top of that, you want her to change full time jobs so you won't be left alone at all with the newborn! And you are in debt - its not my business but if you are both working full time and getting into debt "keeping the household finances running on your own", then how are you going to manage with a baby? That bit just doesn't seem to make much logical sense.

Maybe give her a chance to actually give birth before deciding what you would like her to do to suit you best.

... And not just that, LesMissAbs, HE wants to indulge himself working a niche job, with long hours, that does not pay much....

What child are are you planning to use? Most nurseries do 6am- 6pm. It sounds like you will need a child minder. You will need to check out how much child minding capacity is available in your area.

It does sound like you are living beyond your means. I run a household on less than your wife's salary and am not significantly in debt. Obviously location influences you expenditure a lot. Have you sat down an worked out why it is you can't afford to live off 2 salaries?

If dw wants to continue in her job, it would be unreasonable to expect otherwise. However she is going to need to engage in planning child care and running the home in a realistic way.

I agree with Lesmis. Too many changes. This is happening to me. You're expecting too much. It's not her job to do all the childcare, it's yours too. Change your job, preferably to one with less hours. The child will be your responsibility too.

This is ow I've ended up being a sahm, as my h didn't want to get involved with sorting childcare, and leaving it up to me.

[bitter emoticon]

If she has a well paid job, she needs to keep it. You sound concerned she will be relaxing in a hotel room whilst you manage the baby. Do you want her home so you don't have to get up?

I'm sure she would love to be at home when she has to work. She will miss you but you will get a chance to bond with your baby which lots of fathers don't.

My friend was in your dw position. Her dh had the same ideas. They are divorced now and she is thankful she kept her job. He thought when she was there he could back off all childcare duties and it was her turn. This included playing golf all weekend as he was jealous she had time off ( sitting in a hotel room, not going out to save money and missing her baby and dh)

It will be fine, and get advice on debt. Moneysupermarket has a good forum and advice.

I think that the immediate priorities are to get on top of your debt or enter repayment plans and to draw up a budget of how you will manage when your wife is on maternity leave. She should get some occupational pay and then statutory maternity pay.

... And not just that, LesMissAbs, HE wants to indulge himself working a niche job, with long hours, that does not pay much

Assuming that's not satire, how is that being indulgent?

".... He thought when she was there he could back off all childcare duties and it was her turn..."

No I'd happily do all the childcare duties (if only my job involved working from home!) I'm just a bit nervous of doing the nights on my own, well at least for the early days. Wouldn't any new parent feel a little nervous without any support at such a time??

No, not satire.

You have spent 7 years studying on top of working full time, to narrow down your prospects and entering a niche market. How much has this cost? In terms of a fulfilled life, time together and money?
Your job is so specialized and niche it is difficult to find something else. Yet, clearly it does not pay very well. You are out of the house for 12 hours, for average pay. You cant manage the budget, you have racked up debts that you have little control over. So, despite being a child-free couple with two salaries, you are unable to live within your means.

Now that your wife is pregnant, you suddenly have a light bulb moment, she has to change her job so that you can have a fulfilled life and not spend too much time alone with your child.

How on earth is that not indulgent?

I see what you're saying, but

My jobs niche, but not my qualifications Most employers view experience over qualifications however. I didn't study to enter this market it was an opportunity (as a single man).

and where did I say I didn't want to spend too much time with my child? I just said I was nervous about the nights.

and to be honest I'm on a better wage now then I'd have been if I hadn't studied.

Why cant you change your job then?

I see what you are saying about times away. My friend is a Flight attendant. She never knows what flight patterns/rotas (whatever it is called) from one week to the next. She is usually away Monday to Friday. Sometimes she works weekends, and sometimes various day-trips that means she has to leave at 5am and is back for 3pm, and she has every third week off completely. My friend had an au pair living with them until her youngest was 8 and her oldest 18. Single mum. And my view is, if a single mum of two can manage a flight attendants job, with an au pair in the house, then it should be possible for you also, without expecting her to give up a job she loves.

When baby is born, your wife may want to make some changes herself, at least temporarily.

When my oldest (now 11) was just four months old, my husband had to go to India with work. He was away for 4 months. As we are both from overseas, in London, I had no family that could help.
Yes, it is daunting to be left alone with a very young baby, but you have family around, and your wife will be around too. You wont be abandoned.

My other suggestion is for the two of you to join NCT (National Childbirth Trust) for ante natal classes as a couple. This will bring you both into contact with other local new parents. This may prove to be an enormous source of support, both from the ante natal teacher, but also from the friendships you will both make in the group. Look out for Natural Childbirth Classes, these are usually weekend courses, and a good place to meet local couples in the same stage of pregnancy as your wife. Start thinking about your social and support network as new parents already now.

In my view the two things you need to tackle:

1. Your debts. Can you consolidate your credit card debts and other loans into one manageable loan with your bank?

1. How you plan your childcare around your current working arrangements.

Which in turn may lead to a discussion of:

1. What other employment options do you both have. (And dont come racing in expecting her to change or offer to change.) Explore both your options equally.

It is not impossible, even if it may seem so right now!

I think my biggest worry regarding changing job is losing the redundancy protection, I'd feel I was putting the family at risk.

Thank you for your advice it makes interesting reading.

The childbirth classes sound worthwhile.

I've always found it really difficult to discuss financial issues with DW. Most recently she won't even compare bank statements so making financial plans are next to impossible.

Thanks for your information :)

If she won't discuss finances with you, you have a major problem which will only get worse. I suggest relate.

Having read your reply, I agree that your biggest problem here is actually your wives refusal to discuss finances with you.

Why do you think that is?

What on earth is "redundancy protection"? Do you mean the normal, statutory redundancy that is available to any employee on being made redundant? Or do you have a better deal than that? And why does it not apply to your wife, when she has presumably held her job for a few years at least? Why did you spend time and money studying for 7 years only to stay trapped in a low paid job?

Theres no getting away from the fact that you are criticising your wife for not earning enough money. Despite the fact she works full time and can stick at a job. Despite the fact there is a recession and its hard to find jobs. This makes you something of a would-be golddigger. Your wife works full time, and wants to continue doing so. And I'm not entirely convinced by your story about the debts, which are in your name only. I think you're actually quite lucky to have a wife at all, let alone a hard working one, and perhaps you should have a think about what is in having a relationship with you for her. How would you feel if she started complaining about you not being a high enough earner, and started nagging you to find a better paid job?

You sound limited in your view of what women should and should not do, and there is no reason on earth why you cannot do childcare for your own young child. My BIL has taken to it well, and he was the most un-child-friendly man you could imagine.

I've always found it really difficult to discuss financial issues with DW. Most recently she won't even compare bank statements so making financial plans are next to impossible

It is entirely possible of course (since we only have your side of things) that she is fed up with you not being able to manage your own finances and getting into debt, and she finds it more sensible to keep her finances separate. You will no doubt tell us differently.

Christ the guy spends 7 years studying to improve his lot and no doubt his wifes overs the years. Pays for virtually everything, including a wedding (where were the PIL exactly?), gets into debt doing so whilst his wife buzzes off and won't talk about the debt and he's accused of being a gold digger! Don't you think if the guys flat broke he might need a little extra cash. I look at these forums a lot and I do see a lot of deadbeat men who wouldn't give their family a penny-and quiet rightly they deserve all the flack they can get, but I really think, LessMIssAbs in particular, you should give the guy a break. It borders on Misandry.

"It is entirely possible of course (since we only have your side of things) that she is fed up with you not being able to manage your own finances "

Laughable as the only reason I can't manage my own finances is due to the simple fact that I've had to carry her debts, which are a result of HER not been able to manage her own finances. When you pay off some ones credit card, they cut it up only for them to order a new one and continue spending then you've got a problem. In fact I do management my own finances as it's imperative for both of us I remain credit worthy.

Where does OP say that he pays for everything, and that he paid the entire wedding with no help from inlaws?

Am I missing something?
(or are you psychic?)

Is she really that lackadaisical about her spending and getting into debt?

Mugofteaforme I'm just rather cynical as I used to work in divorce, and theres something in the way the OP describes things that just rings bells for me. And believe me, I feel just the same about women who don't pull their weight.

Of course, the OP is indeed an utter angel, forced to work in a low paid, highly qualified, long hours job, by a spendthrift wife, whose debts he pays and who therefore has a completely clear credit rating compared to his abysmal one, and to care for his own child and have a wife who doesn't earn enough money, despite working full time!

I do think that if you are going to criticise someone so bitterly, then do so for their not working, being lazy, whatever, but for their job not being conveniently well enough paid for you - dress it up however you like, but that's not a valid complaint in my book.

OP - you seem to be afraid of the unknown, whether that's raising a child, or changing jobs, and you are possibly projecting this onto your wife (your title "flyaway wife" is very telling). Theres also something of the victim about you. You are drip feeding facts which are intended to engender increasing sympathy for your "situation". You lost me with your continual insistence that it is somehow impossible for you to find a new job. People do it all the time.

OP, I wouldn't worry about looking after the baby on your own while your DW is away working - in some ways it is easier. My DH never got up in the night to our child and I had to get up and work the next day - many people do. Yes, its difficult if you or the child is ill but you'll cope (think of alll the women with husbands in the forces or oil rigs etc.). Think its usually easier to return to a career you know after maternity leave not start a huge learning curve with something new - start planning how to make things work when you have the baby and she returns to work, not look for reasons it will be difficult.

If you paid off debt for your wife and she just went out and got more, then that's a major problem for you, particularly if she won't discuss it. In those circumstances I'd suggest separate accounts but full disclosure every month about what's in them. If you're building a life and family together then you need to know it's secure and safe from the partner smothering you with debt.

Regarding work and pay circumstances, I think some of the observations made here are ones you should think hard about.

The redundancy protection is something I couldn't understand. Standard protection afforded to us all by law is pretty awful and not worth much at all. If you're in a company paying you a very average wage (not sure what very average means - average is average, there is no "very", do you mean below?) then any top-up they add is unlikely to be significant. I think you might be over-valuing this. Would the protection you have even cover 3 months of mortgage and other debt payments? If not, forget it, it's not a factor.

I'd also question your own plan. Why on earth you'd spend 7 years studying at university level to not provide yourself with a significant lift in salary I just don't know. Is it a passion maybe? Presumably you've spent 16 hours a week of your spare time sat at a desk with your head in books. That could be seen as indulgent.

Look OP, you and your DW are having a baby, not an untamed tiger. They really aren't that difficult to look after, and once you get into the swing of it you wont find it that hard to do overnights. Think of it as a massive bonus to get that 1;1 time with your child.

And you dont know how you will both feel when baby is born. FWIW I used to travel a lot with work, but it killed me to leave for a week at a time, with my baby at home. So I gave it all up and found a new job