concerned about oral sex...........

[NCasWorried]

i have name changed as am quite embarrassed about this. i have recently met a new man after being single for several years. we have been talking about sex (not ready yet) and he has mentioned that he really enjoys doing the 69. i have never tried it, and in fact have had an issue with giving blow jobs in the past as i was coerced into it when i was a teenager. i have told him this, and he has assured me that if i dont want to do it then he wont expect me to (phew) but i would lie to be able to at least try it as i now he enjoys it. my big issue is that i really dont now how to do it properly, and am not sure if i will even be able. is there anything i can do to get over this issue???

"Phew" at he won't expect you to? Weird conversation and a bit of a red flag there tbh... Surely 'I like 69..' 'Hmm... I'm not sure...' 'Well we won't do it then.' Is the correct normal conversation?

I think you have to be really carefully here, why are you feeling under pressure to make yourself do something you actually just sound like you don't want to do? Does it matter really what the reason is? Surely it won't help you get over the trauma either as it may just provoke flashbacks and/or create messed up and confused emotions which could floor you...

Yes. For a start, don't think you have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Ever. I think the conversation he had with you - given that you're not ready for sex - was totally inappropriate. Good sex involves a lot of things, not least patience & consideration. You have to trust someone implicitly and if he's already rushing you along (even unintentionally) faster than you are ready for talking about things like oral sex I'm seeing neither patience nor consideration, I'm afraid. 'If you don't want to do it I don't expect you to' has put the pressure on and I think that was very unfair of him...

Don't think you have to get over your aversion just because he's lobbed the subject into the conversation. That's not the way forward

we were just discussing it, it was a mutual sided converstation. just talking about stuff really, he is happy to wait until i am ready. its not that he wants me to, but that i want to be able to return the favour as such. it truly is just a general discussion that i am perefectly happy with

Performing a sexual act that you were traumatically coerced into doing in the past, and in fact still don't want to do, because you want to 'return the favour' is not acceptable at all and if he cared about you/was decent he'd be horrified at the thought of that tbh.

Because a normal conversation about sex with someone who has suffered sexual trauma has to be more sensitively conducted anyway. Also it is manipulative to say "I want you to do it but if you really won't I won't expect it" why on earth should any normal decent human expect any particular sexual act from anyone? It is an incredibly strange thing to imply to anyone nevermind someone who has in the past been coerced into doing that sexual act... Feels threatening.

No need for that Westley!

OP- I think the fact that you have broached how you feel about it will help when you do feel ready to have sex. You both know how you feel so hopefully you won't feel pressured.

I would just try to relax (easier said then done i know!) and see where it leads sex wise. You may at some point in the future feel ready to try it. You may not.

Blimey. That was quick deleting HQ!

Agree with Westley completely - nowhere in the OP's post does she suggest that their conversation made her feel uncomfortable - just that this wasn't a part of sex she'd experienced before (and she explained why) so was feeling curious about trying but unsure how.

Is that more or less it, OP?

Of course, of course, please don't EVER feel pressured into doing something that doesn't feel right for you - but are you asking for, er, hints and tips as it were? I don't mind obliging. Not that I'm a world class expert or anything!

The sex and relationships columnist Dan Savage and his readers discuss being GGG. It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything?within reason."

Fair enough about being deleted for swearing (I presume). It just makes me mad when people use the phrase 'red flag' for normal human conversations.

Come on can you not see that by having conversations like that about her pushing her sexual boundaries before she's even ready to have sex it is intimidating and especially the "expect" line which indicates he feels has the final say in what she does sexually. He will allow her to not do things she doesn't like... Find it shocking others think that's so mad...

it wasnt like that offred. we were discussing it, discussing what we liked to do, he mentioned that, i said that i had had issues with oral in the past as i had been coerced into into it when i was much younger, but was willing to try at some point as i would like to be able to return the (oral) favour, and he said he wanted to clarify that he would NEVER force me into doing anything, if i wasnt happy with it then we wouldnt do it. also until that point he had no idea that i had had any trauma, i am quite happy about the situation actually, he is being very sensitive to my feelings, and i am feeling really happy with how things are going, its a new experience for me to pretty much be in charge.

Did he not say that he wouldn't expect you to do it then?

Normally think your advice is spot on Offred, but am struggling to see any red flags here.

The OP's whole tone is that they feel a sense of obligation following this conversation. 'Return the favour'... was one phrase. They want to 'get past it'... their aversion. They'd like to be able to 'at least try'. All this before they've even embarked on a physical relationship. I hope it is all entirely innocent but I'm seeing pressure..

I have had conversations like that about other aspects of sex in advance of them happening (or not) - I think it's pretty healthy, actually.

Let's all be GGG and have some fun.

Yeah it can be healthy to talk about sex pre-emptively but all I'm getting is what cog is getting.

I don't know whether the pressure to perform something there doesn't seem to be desire for is coming from the op herself or the partner now though...

I take issue with the idea of a future partner mentioning the word "expect" in relation to any sexual act of any kind during that first conversation... If he didn't mention it the feeling of expectation may be coming across either from him or from the op, either way I don't think that sounds so good...

I stand by my original statement that you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. As long as you keep that top of mind OP, I don't think you'll go far wrong.

"won't expect"

The very last thing to say to anyone nervous or "concerned" about sex, but especially anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual abuse is that GGG crap IMHO btw. Sex shouldn't be a performance, you shouldn't have to work that hard at it, it should be happy and pleasurable for both people and if sexual pleasures are incompatible I think it's like any other part of the relationship, don't put pressure on the other person to change, just split up because you have discovered you are incompatible... Not that that's necessarily the case here... Depends...