Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

concerned about oral sex...........

76 replies

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 19:02

i have name changed as am quite embarrassed about this. i have recently met a new man after being single for several years. we have been talking about sex (not ready yet) and he has mentioned that he really enjoys doing the 69. i have never tried it, and in fact have had an issue with giving blow jobs in the past as i was coerced into it when i was a teenager. i have told him this, and he has assured me that if i dont want to do it then he wont expect me to (phew) but i would lie to be able to at least try it as i now he enjoys it. my big issue is that i really dont now how to do it properly, and am not sure if i will even be able. is there anything i can do to get over this issue???

OP posts:

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 03/06/2013 20:00

Anyway to answer your question op I would suggest putting that to one side for now. You need to feel comfortable having sex before trying to overcome previous issues. Certainly don't put any pressure on yourself. At the end of the day if you said you liked your toes being sucked but he had an issue with feet, you could live your life perfectly well, as will he without a blowjob.

But if one day, when you are both in bed and you want to head in that direction don't worry about how it's done, just do what you enjoy and pretty much he will enjoy it too

LittleBearPad · 03/06/2013 20:07

But it may be Offred that in time with the right partner and in a secure relationship that the OP may choose to give oral sex, emphasis on the choose.

In the context of oral sex I think "return the favour" isn't an unusual turn of phrase either.

EllieArroway · 03/06/2013 20:07

To be fair to Offred - I do think the "phew" was very telling so I can understand advising caution.

But, OP - making your partner happy mustn't be at the expense of your own happiness, certainly not with something as potentially sensitive as this might be for you, given what's happened in the past.

You don't HAVE to return any favours. If it's not for you then it's not for you - and that's that.

But if you get to that point in your relationship and you genuinely want to do that, then there's loads of places online to get information - or even secretly get yourself The Joy of Sex from Amazon or something.

Or....ask him. Telling you what works for him will probably turn him on.

Whatever - enjoy your new relationship. Sounds like you are due some happiness :)

Mutt · 03/06/2013 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 20:14

thank you Ellie, i dont feel that i have to return the favour, but i want to.i want to feel comfortable doing it. and i will get that book, and not do it secretly either. maybe we can read it together. thanks, yes the happiness is long overdue

OP posts:

EllieArroway · 03/06/2013 20:16

Yes, that's how I read it, Mutt - but it could be taken another way, perhaps.

EllieArroway · 03/06/2013 20:19

HERE OP....but there may be better books than that, so have a look around.

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 20:21

thats how it was meant to be, relief that it wasnt expected that i would do it, and that i wouldnt be pressured, that if i did do it, it would be of my own accord and when i wanted to.

OP posts:

RiotsNotDiets · 03/06/2013 20:32

You can both lie on your sides, which is a bit less dramatic and nobody ends up with a bum or a ball in their eye.

But I agree with Ehric I've never really thought they were all that, you're concentrating on what you're doing too much to focus on what you're feeling.

olathelawyer05 · 03/06/2013 20:34

"...we have been talking about sex"

Astounding that some people read this line, and immediately assume that the man (because men are inherently evil as we all know...) was forcing the OP to discuss sex. How do you leap to that conclusion?... It must surely be something in your own twisted mind.

Even after the OP stated that "...we were just discussing it, it was a mutual sided conversation"... you still had those calling into question motives that we don't know the man ever exhibited, and which the OP herself at no point ever suggested. You may as well tell her never to engage with any man, because it is 'possible' that the man may harbor some ill-intent. You know who you are, and shame on you.

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 20:39

what she said like that, thank you ola

OP posts:

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 20:40

what she said durrrrr

OP posts:

Offred · 03/06/2013 20:54

I think it was pretty clear that I took issue with the boundary stretching occurring (and the particular boundary being proposed) before sex and that in the OP she said that he assured her that if she didn't want to do it he wouldn't expect her too. Not anything to do with his gender, you're the one making it a gender issue, not me. I've said repeatedly it isn't the discussion but the way it was discussed and how it has left her feeling. It isn't his penis either it is the idea of "expectations" and "returning favours" in the context of past sexual abuse.

cronullansw · 04/06/2013 07:12

I'm with Mutt and the OP here offred - you've taken it far too far the wrong way. It was a pair of possibly slightly inexperienced adults having a respectful and slightly titillating conversation.

OP, the trick, as with most things of this nature, is to relax and do whatever you are comfortable with. I do believe Ms M Monroe once likened the act to ''enjoying an ice cream, with lots of long licks and slurps.' And as someone else said, 69 isn't necessarily great, it's distracting you from what you are doing and distracting them from what they are doing.... :) Be selfish occasionally!

AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 07:22

69's are sooooo 1970's darling

How disappointing for you that you are not getting quite the detailed "tutorial" you were obviously looking for....

Offred · 04/06/2013 07:23

Well now I'm really convinced I'm not on the wrong track if cron's of that opinion.

What's 'titillating' about discussing your past abuse and difficulty getting over it?

Is it not a bit pathetic to think any mention of sex is 'titillating'?

LittleBearPad · 04/06/2013 07:41

But Offred they didn't sit down to talk about the abuse. The BF didn't even know about it until their conversation headed in the direction of '69'. You are really over thinking this.

And talking about sex can be fun. You seem to be bringing a lot of your own issues to this.

Offred · 04/06/2013 08:46

No, they didn't sit down to talk about it but they did talk about it.

Were am I bringing my issues in? What issues do you think I have exactly? Or are you just saying that because it will undermine anything I'll say? Can you not explain what exactly you think is wrong about what I have said so that it can be discussed rather than level a nebulous accusation of hysteria at me?

What exactly is wrong with suggesting the op not confront her abuse in this context because actually if the pressure is from him he's not good for her and if it comes from her then it won't help her get over the abuse, it will simply confuse and upset her and poison the relationship?

As I've said the issue is the way it was discussed, the pushing of boundaries, the biggest boundary and before there is even any sex and the talk of expectation and favours in the context of difficulty with a particular sex act because of past abuse. What exactly is the problem with this? It seems to me there's an awful lot of pressure from society that, particularly women, are not allowed to refuse to perform sex acts they dislike because their partners will leave them (GGG?).

If the abuse was not relevant and the op just wanted tips on how to perform a great blowjob then surely that is how the op would have read. She's written about being worried and concerned but wanting to not be, I certainly think it is possible to get yourself to a place where you aren't buy this situation does not sound like it whether that's because the op is putting pressure on herself or her new partner is putting pressure on her.

LittleBearPad · 04/06/2013 09:18

You're over thinking the 'expectation', and the 'favours'. Really you are. The BF said he wouldn't expect her to do something she didn't want to. How can this be a terrible thing to say? You can't claim that a negative expectation creates a positive one

EllieArroway · 04/06/2013 09:21

It wasn't wrong to raise the issue, Offred, as her initial post was slightly ambiguous - but she's made it clear that that the conversation didn't go that way and wasn't at all what you're painting it to be. It sounds like you're telling the OP what she should be thinking about all of this & how is that remotely helpful?

Offred · 04/06/2013 10:01

Because I'm quite aware that if you have been abused in the past it influences your ability to make healthy decisions about sex. It complicates how you consent. That's a fairly well known thing.

The op I think has been inconsistent. There is clear feeling of pressure, especially in her first post, she has not assured me he didn't say that if she didn't like it he wouldn't expect her to do it rather than if she doesn't like it he won't expect it as she later said she interpreted it as. She hasn't mentioned anything that makes it appear to be something driven by her desire at all, the best she has said about it is that she wants to be able to do it and return the favour. Does that sound like a good way to get over sexual abuse or a healthy environment for it?

I the op had come on saying 'I was abused, I don't want it to continue affecting me, I feel a desire to try 69 but I'm unsure how to do it and how it will affect me' that would be completely different. There is no getting away from the fact that this is her partner's desire and not hers and that there is pressure to perform over it, no matter where it's coming from.

I don't think I am 'over thinking' doing stuff like this in circs like this can kill desire, ruin the relationship and throw you into emotional disarray. I think I would talk it over with a rape and sexual abuse counsellor tbh.

LittleBearPad · 04/06/2013 10:22

I'm sorry I don't understand your second paragraph when you say

she has not assured me he didn't say that if she didn't like it he wouldn't expect her to do it rather than if she doesn't like it he won't expect it as she later said she interpreted it as

southbank · 04/06/2013 10:43

What on earth is the comment 69s are so 1970s meant to mean?!
It's quite normal in a healthy relationship and equally quite normal not to do it if either person has an issue.
I am another who doesn't see any issue with op,she's concerned with logistics etc as she's not done thus before.
She has had previous issues with it that she's looking to resolve with a guy that sounds happy whether she does it or not.
Nothing wring with talking about what you like,and I think many are reading far more into this than needed.
And if people are alluding to op posting for reasons that may nor be genuine why don't you report to mnhq instead of making snide comments?

musickeepsmesane · 04/06/2013 11:00

Interesting thread. OP doesn't seem to feel under any pressure. She was looking for advice on how to get over her issue with oral sex. She got that. I think if her partner helps her and she is not under pressure that is perfectly normal. Being able to have that conversation with her new man is great. An open, honest discussion.

I do have a bit of a problem with the original post though. He doesn't expect her to do it if she doesn't want to. But would she at least try it as he enjoys it That is the guilt, right there. To me that sounds manipulative.

Walkingpast · 04/06/2013 11:41

Maybe not meant to be manipulative but although he only says he 'enjoys' it that probably means he loves it and would hate not to get it! But he won't want to be as blunt or quite as honest as that.
If he goes into a long term relationship with someone who has issues with fellatio, tries it and won't do it any more, this means he could be deprived of something, i.e wonderful physical sensations which he particularly loves, for the rest of his life, if they got married, for example. Is it worth it?
In the end, sexual issues like this can become far more important than anything else to some men. Never getting what you desperately want and yet knowing that others get it is very bad for you.
So a lot could depend on whether she knows she could be comfortable doing it regularly, if and when she tries it at all, that is.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread