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Relationships

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Original poster

concerned about oral sex...........

76 replies

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 19:02

i have name changed as am quite embarrassed about this. i have recently met a new man after being single for several years. we have been talking about sex (not ready yet) and he has mentioned that he really enjoys doing the 69. i have never tried it, and in fact have had an issue with giving blow jobs in the past as i was coerced into it when i was a teenager. i have told him this, and he has assured me that if i dont want to do it then he wont expect me to (phew) but i would lie to be able to at least try it as i now he enjoys it. my big issue is that i really dont now how to do it properly, and am not sure if i will even be able. is there anything i can do to get over this issue???

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/06/2013 19:39

It's the same thing. Whether they say 'expect' or 'won't expect' the thought is planted just the same.

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 19:41

i feel that its a healthy conversation to have. i dont think it will be long before i am ready, couple more weeks maybe. this way we both know what to expect, he knows that if i do that it will be of my own accord, and i know that he wont try to get me to do it. if i am comfortable enough at some point to do it, then it will be a bonus for him. we have discussed all other aspects of our lives, so why is the sex talk not appropriate. i would rather we each know what the other likes and doesnt like in advance to be honest.

OP posts:

Mutt · 03/06/2013 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChimeForChange · 03/06/2013 19:42

I don't see any red flags either - an adult couple telling each other what they like in bed. One adult tells the other oh for these reasons I don't like to do it.....the adult replies that's fine I would never expect you to do it if you weren't comfortable - which to me says he was worried she could have felt pressured after that so he tried to reassure her???

Re the actual blow job.
The emotional side of it.....I wouldn't try until you felt very secure with him and loved/trusted in case it brings up old feelings.
The physical side of it....I think it will just come naturally as you try! I used to hate it when I hadn't done it much before and I felt so embarassed because I thought I didn't know what I was doing! I feel confident now though....when you're in the moment i think you just go with the flow

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/06/2013 19:43

69s are utterly shit and unsexy anyway OP, I wouldn't bother :)

Mutt · 03/06/2013 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headlesslambrini · 03/06/2013 19:45

Op are you just asking for some hints and tips on how to give a good blow job, irrespective of whether or not other people feel it is appropriate or not? not marking my place at all

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/06/2013 19:46

Oh and offred I'm pretty sure you are reading things into that conversation that probably weren't there. By 'wont expect' I'm sure he meant he won't expect it to be on the table, rather than he won't expect her to do it.
I would 'expect' certain sex acts to be part of the repertoire with a new partner, and expect some to be negotiable. Sounds like OP's guy sees 69s as negotiable, and OP has said not at the moment. Boundaries respected, all fine.

WestleyAndButtockUp · 03/06/2013 19:46

Of course it's a healthy conversation to have, OP. You are adults.

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 19:47

thanks guys, much more the type of advice i was after. am still unsure about how to actually do it properly, is there a tutorial???

OP posts:

Offred · 03/06/2013 19:47

It isn't the sex talk... Not at all... It is how it has either been conducted or the feeling you've taken from it.

If he actually said he wouldn't expect it I stand by what I said

If he didn't and you just feel there is an expectation then I don't think now's the right time or context to 'learn'. Whatever the reason forcing yourself to do something you don't want to sets a precedent in the relationship whoever is exerting the pressure. It is very hard in those circumstances to feel good about the relationship or the sexual act that is problematic I think.

EllieArroway · 03/06/2013 19:49

NCas

No, decent man (and he sounds like he is from what you say) would enjoy you doing something you don't really want to do, so you really mustn't force yourself for any reason - for either of your sakes.

I would just be inclined to let things progress at their own rate. Few people launch instantly into 69s anyway - given the position you both have to get into to do it, I would personally rather wait till I am really comfortable with someone before I stick my bottom in their face Not what you might call dignified, is it?

It will pan out as it pans out.

Offred · 03/06/2013 19:49

You're not mentioning doing it because you want to, you're mentioning doing it because he likes it and you feel you owe it to him...

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/06/2013 19:49

Do you like receiving oral? Are you comfortable with it? That's the first step. Some people do it side by side but I find that very uncomfortable as it's a weird angle to get the penis in. The other way is man on his back, woman on top of man, face down, legs open over his face. That position is just pretty absurd to me and I don't find it sexy so I don't do it. I'd prefer to take it in turns and just enjoy my turn in peace!

EllieArroway · 03/06/2013 19:51

Hold his penis at the base close to the balls, and lick/suck around the top. There's a little ridge close the V which is their version of the clitoris, pay attention to that bit.

That's all I ever do, and it works for us!

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/06/2013 19:52

Where has she said she feels she owes him? Wanting to do something your partner likes to please them is not the same as feeling you owe them. Could you be projecting? It's not actually unhealthy to push your sexual boundaries, gently and safely, if you think you might enjoy the experience. A bit of nerves during sex is ok! It can be pleasurable. As long as the partner is respectful and caring etc.

Offred · 03/06/2013 19:53

No not at all projecting... She wants to "return the favour" in her own words.

Mutt · 03/06/2013 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/06/2013 19:55

And? What exactly is wrong with wanting to provide a pleasurable experience to your partner? The expression 'return the favour' is often used in sex to mean mutuality and shared pleasure, not to mean debts being called in!

Offred · 03/06/2013 19:55

Operative word being for you to push your sexual boundaries and if there's been abuse in the past you have to be wary of this and careful. Boundaries should not be pushed for you by someone else unless they are mutual feelings, especially boundary pushing and feelings of expectation before there is any sex at all?

Mutt · 03/06/2013 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 03/06/2013 19:57

There was another thread a while ago - lots of actual instruction, maybe you should try 'advance search' or repost without the emotional stuff - just ask how to give a great BJ

By the way - it sounds like a good, healthy discussion to me - no red flags at all :)

Original poster

NCasWorried · 03/06/2013 19:58

yes i do like receiving it. i dont feel that i owe it to him at all, but i think it is part of a normal loving relationship, especially if i am happy to receive it, and yes, he enjoys it and i want to make him happy. thats kind of the point of a relationship, wanting the person your with to be happy isnt it?

OP posts:

Offred · 03/06/2013 19:59

When is sex ever about returning favours by doing something you don't enjoy because you were coerced into it in the past... Mad... What's wrong with expecting mutually pleasurable sexual experiences, always, with never any inequality or sexual expectation? Even more so in new relationships.

Anyway, think I've made my point sufficiently.

I think it is wrong to disregard the contexts. It they were irrelevant to the issue the op would not have mentioned them in her posts. Get back to the advice on how to make the blowjob really pleasurable for him.

LittleBearPad · 03/06/2013 20:00

Offred I didn't read the OP at all like you did. You are reading a lot more into her posts than seems to be there.

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