I just texted round three of DHs friends asking if they know if there is anything secretive/inappropriate happening between him and his friend. Have I been totally unreasonable?

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

This woman is an ex-patient of DH's and their 'friendship' (which involves several phone calls a day and several meet ups per week) predates our relationship by many years. This past week, DH has been several hours late in returning from hers. I've just texted each of the three mutual friends who were apparently also there asking if they know of anything going on. Have I been a total shit to do that to him? Are they all going to hate me for evermore?

Re the work question - DH and I both work PT, with DH's hours mostly weekends and evenings.

Re the response - one of the three did respond to my second text telling me not to worry about having sent the first one. The other two I'n guessing just want to stay out of things either way.

I love the drug buddy theory! My DH would rather writhe in agony all night than even take a paracetamol for a toothache

I get that you must have been at the end of your tether to do such a daft thing, but to my mind that daft thing was texting these mates.

I don't think they view you as 'patient' for putting up with this affair - bonkers more like - and so it would have been no bad thing to speak to them face to face about your concerns or very subtly, find out their movements for the past few days if your husband's been claiming they were present at all times.

But overall, even if they lied backed him up, none of that really matters does it?

You know in your heart of hearts what's going on and that you can't and shouldn't put up with it, so your best bet now is to say you've had enough of being taken for a fool, realise he doesn't have any respect for you and that it's over.

So did you think he was with these friends? I can understand why you'd call them with an innocuous question if you thought he was lying about that.

Sending them a text, though, is mad. They will either ignore it or send him a text asking what they should say.

You know you are being treated badly and your partner has an inappropriate relationship. It's time to end it, OP.

This has been going on since before you knew him?

As far as she's concerned you are the OW op.

Do you have children with this man?

Their silence speaks volumes, im afraid

silence doesn't speak volumes,I wouldn't get involved in pals marital woes
wouldnt respond

What does he say he's doing there?

I dont get this thread, but I do know that posters can post whatever they like so long as it does not break Talk Guidelines,
even lalalalalalalalalas if they had a mind to.
lalalalas.

I dont get this thread, but I do know that posters can post whatever they like so long as it does not break Talk Guidelines,
even lalalalalalalalalas if they had a mind to.
lalalalas.

Grow up! This is about someone's fucking life!

BM do you mind that he spends so much time with this woman? Have you ever objected? What reasons does he give for going there? What does he say he does there?

I mean adult married people don't really just spend the time when they're not working "hanging" with mates, do they? That's what teenagers / students do.

Who does the childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, lawn mowing, DIY, kid ferrying etc in your house?

I hope he's not the yoni massage guy............

ignoring all the lock him out etc histrionics,it's sad you feel so desperate so suspicious
it's awful that that trust is lacking in your relationship.thats v undermining
pragmatically you two need a calm cards on table talk,acknowledge something amiss

I think trustworthiness is certainly missing. As for the OP, it sounds like she's been too trusting by half...

Sorry OP, but even your reason for not disclosing his 'professional relationship' with this woman rings alarm bells, never mind the fact he's spending so much of his time with her, with you waiting around for him to come home.

The situation seems dysfunctional on many levels; you've obviously got a longer fuse than me, if my DP was spending seemingly unhealthy amounts of time time with an 'ex patient', to my distress, I'd be doing more than sending out texts to people that are unlikely to shed any real light on anything.

I really hope you can speak to him and find the answers you need, but I suspect you're being spun a whole heap of bullshit

Agree , SM

I dont think she will sue you, maybe the biggest worry is whether she will eventually sue him ???

Is there not an issue of professional misconduct if he encourages her to be so dependent on him?

Trust your gut, brestmilklatte. It does not look good from what you have posted, imho.

I feel that if he is maintaining the connection with her as some sort of extension of ethical responsibility, then he could have, should have given you a heads up to the "overtime" that would be necessary on the ex-patient's behalf (which can be discussed without the personal details being violated). But he did not do this; red flag.

Further, thinking on "ex-patient", it seems she would seek professional help from someone else at some point (not years and years down the line)...making contact with him a conflict of interest. So this smells a little fishy. Does he "treat" her for free, and why do that for so long? Does he maintain any other "ex-patients"? I will guess not.

Going with chubfud's line of thinking, my prediction is that, at the beginning he told you "ex-patient",　when perhaps she is/was really "ex-partner", and that shut you up good and proper.

I hope I'm wrong, of course. I rescanned the thread and could not find it so sorry if asking you to repeat, how long have you been with/married to your DH?

I do not know how &#12288 made it into my post...apologies in advance if anyone finds it offensive (I have no idea what it means).

Did you tell DH that you messaged his friends?
I think that will make him angry. He will get a lot of ribbing for that but if there is something going on, don't let him use that as an excuse to be angry at you... If you haven't told him yet, and they haven't either, then I suggest leaving that until after your talk about 'friend'
What a pickle.

Don't feel too bad about asking his friends. I did similar about 15 years ago when I suspected my ex was cheating, except I asked them face to face and naively thought they'd tell me the truth. They all lied and said no but warned the ex that I'd been asking. He came home and went off on one. Turned out he had been cheating for about 6 months and had even gone out with the OW and the people I'd asked on more than one occasion when I'd been out working.

Well, apart from the histrionics here on MN, did you ever sit down and talk to him about this, face to face?

Why do you feel the need to ask around in his social circle...?

He's your husband? Spends inordinate amounts of times per day with someone else? And this has been going on for how long?
Did you stop communicating the two of you?

You're better off confronting him - in a non-aggressive way - than spending more time trying to second-guess it on MN...

Life is too short anyway to waste on someone not worthy of you. And I speak from experience

It seems to be a 'given' that your DH spends lots of one-on-one time with this former patient. That sounds rather odd to me. Was this person - as it were - part of the deal when you married him? Was she a non-negotiable fixture? His friends seem oddly complicit as well. How come you weren't at this event they all attended? Don't you socialise as a couple? Since you've been together, have you ever had a conversation with him where you've asked/told him to cut down the contact or told him that this friendship makes you very uncomfortable?