I just texted round three of DHs friends asking if they know if there is anything secretive/inappropriate happening between him and his friend. Have I been totally unreasonable?

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

This woman is an ex-patient of DH's and their 'friendship' (which involves several phone calls a day and several meet ups per week) predates our relationship by many years. This past week, DH has been several hours late in returning from hers. I've just texted each of the three mutual friends who were apparently also there asking if they know of anything going on. Have I been a total shit to do that to him? Are they all going to hate me for evermore?

Oh dear I have really fucked this up haven't I. I will text friends again apologizing to them and asking them to ignore it.

Well if he's not unhappy with you yet, he soon will be. I actually can't believe you've done that. Have you no respect for yourself or any of the other people now involved in this?

I think you should have been smarter and played a better detective. Can't you follow him?

Good idea to ask her.

Honestly, if there IS anything untoward going on, his friends will almost certainly cover for him, or just won't respond at all.

If there is nothing going on, they may well be unhappy at getting caught up in it, and not respond because they don't want to be involved.

I don't think you will get the answers you want from them. Nor do I think you will if you ask this woman either, because if you do ask her, you wont believe what she says either way.

Unfair to put them on the spot. Makes you look like a crackpot. It's him you have the issue with not his friends.

I can't really answer the question about the context of her being an ex patient as I think she could sue me for it..

or he could lose his job.

They won't tell you anything they know. Either they don't know anything, or if they do, they won't want to get involved.

In what context is she a patient?

He will only admit to what you can prove. It does sound rather like he has checked out of the relationship already.

The appropriate action here is to put his stuff out on the street and tell him to go to her for good

Anything else is a complete waste of time and energy

Well, if he is having a fling - you've just alerted him to it because his friends will cover his back - if he isn't, you now look like an unhinged jealous lunatic, and his friends will pity him being married to one.

Your dh is clearly hiding something.

I wouldn't worry about your text - I wouldn't think you're a loon if I'd received a text.

I'd dob the cheater in anyway regardless of my relationship with them. I've been cheated on and it's terrible not knowing what's going in

OK. Would it be perceived as "appropriate" that he has been seeing an ex-"client"? Clearly , you feel , rightly or wrongly, second best to her. If he cared for you and your relationship he would address that as a priority.

If he is a doctor, he will be the one in legal hot water. Has he divulged stuff about her treatment to you?

Why would she sue you?

As a friend, they seem to be se eing an awful lot f each other, considering he's married.

The fact that she s a female friend makes the frequency of contact utterly inappropriate

Sorry, I meant

TBH I wouldn't be worrying about what his friends think of you or if you did you the right thing or not by texting them
You've got bigger problems here.

Well if he's not unhappy with you yet, he soon will be. I actually can't believe you've done that. Have you no respect for yourself or any of the other people now involved in this?

Sometimes people can't see the wood for the trees when a massive shock to their world is on the periphery. What Breast done was very bloody obviously out of sheer desperation. Please don't add insult to injury.

Breast Text them back, apologise, say you've been feeling off. It isn't anyone else's business and they won't be overjoyed at being 'dragged into it' (whatever 'it' is or is not). Sending the text is good manners and also gives them an 'out' IYSWIM? However, don't expect them to forget or to not let you DH know.

There isn't enough information in your OP in order to offer balanced advice, but maybe you need to leave/ ask DH to leave in order to clear your mind and digest the situation.

I've texted them all to apologise.

Love, look what he has reduced you to

Tell him to Fuck off

Had he actually left you and forgotten to inform you ?

How long have you suspected BM? Has there been a change in his behaviour towards you?

Desperate measures OP, we all make mistakes now and then especially when under pressure.

If his friends have any idea of the extent of his behaviour I'm sure they'll understand.

I think whatever you have or haven't done by text isn't really relevant.
What is relevant is you are suspicious and don't trust him and he is spending a ridiculous amount of time with another woman.
Add in the fact that she is an ex patient and I honestly think bag outside the front door is the only answer if he won't talk to you.

The texting issue is a non-issue when you consider the situation.

Look what you've been reduced to.

He's gone three days running, all day?

The ex-patient thing is disturbing too. I'm guessing counsellor? But just a guess.

Either way, it would be inappropriate even if she was a he because you're not happy with it and, frankly, it's totally taking the piss.

I agree, again!, with AF.

Pack up his bags and off he fucks.