Did your parents divorce when you were somewhere around 9 - 14? How did it affect you?

[Selba]

That's all really. No prizes for guessing why I am asking .
Thanks

Mine did. And it was a great relief when it actually happened. Both now over 30 years in 2nd marriages. All very happy, unlike together.

I think I was about 14, maybe 15 but it had been bad for years. The divorce itself wasn't a ignite, but my Dads nervous breakdowns and financial crises which involved us moving houses and schools often were.

I had a poor relationship with my Dad for about 10 years after. My parents never met anyone else, and although they never remarried and live in separate homes, are as good as together now in their 70s and have been for the past 15 years or so. I have a much better relationship with my Dad now, but I do feel some pain that my mother offloaded all her emotions on me during the bad times, when I was an impressionable teenager. Asked her not to, but she said she had no one else to discuss it with.

Still in the grand scheme of things it's all OK, they are happy, I have a good life etc.

I am sorry you are sad, the one thing I would say is that you have one life and you should make it a happy one.

Mine did too.

It didn't make much difference, as I recall- DF worked shifts a lot so I don't really remember him being around much anyway.

What did affect us (all 6 of us) was how DM spoke about him afterwards - bitter, nasty, spiteful. Only now, 34 years later, have we all stood our ground and refused to allow her to do it.

My DF recently spoke to me about how awful it was for him, on the day he moved out, because I was 'in tears' and 'so very sad'. I honestly can't remember this at all, yet it has been worrying him for so long. Obviously I told him I couldn't remember etc and he seemed comforted.

Mine did and it was the best thing my mother ever did.
(Disclaimer- my father was an abusive bastard)

Mine split up when I was about 13, after years of awful rows. It wasn't a great time, but that was all about how they dealt with it (mum got me and my Dsis to pack dad's stuff, as it was "too hard" for her. Hmm), and mum used to share really inappropriate stuff w us about their relationship and divorce. So I'd second Taffeta's comments above that you only have one life, and that things work out ok in the long run. I'd suggest that finding your own source of support for when it's tough (if you do decide to split) will mean that you can focus on just being mum to your dc, rather than relying on them, the way my mum did.

Good luck.

It was relief. No more shouting at each other. Did get the "oh, you are just like your father" comments but DM pulled her head in when I stipulated that part of me would be just like my father.

However, the relationships they had following that could have been far better managed.

ps I felt a lot of relief at the time too and if you'd asked me at the time, I would have said I was happy they split up (it was just the aftermath which was a mess). Shodan's DM and mine sound v alike.

I was 12. I was relieved to be out of the bad atmosphere.
My mum and I went on to have a better life than we ever would if they'd stayed together.
I didn't hate either of them, it was clear to me even at that age that they couldn't live together.
I'm old enough that back then when they divorced it was still a stigma - names in the local paper and going to court etc. I was the only child in my year at school whose parents were divorced. That was the hardest part. By the time I was doing O levels 4 years later loads of us were from 'broken homes' as they called it then (how archaic).

I was 11 and my brother was 9. It was not a surprise, as I understood they had been unhappy. But it was very sad.

I remember understanding on an intellectual level that it was the best thing for them to do, that it wasn't my fault, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. But as a result I didn't see the point of being upset about it and didn't really express any emotions, which wasn't very healthy and is still something I struggle to do. I think my brother too, as we've never really talked about it with each other.

By far the most upsetting thing about it all was seeing my parents upset. They were both very bitter and resentful and spent a long time battling about the financial side of the divorce. I remember recognising the things they were doing 'wrong' by me and my brother, like my dad calling my mum's new partner names to us, or my mum sharing too much with me about how depressed she was, and feeling very strongly that I was too young to have to see my parents as people in their own right instead of just 'mum and dad'. So in order to avoid making that situation worse I kept my own feelings to myself.

I never once thought that I wanted them to stay together. And they are now both very happy in new and very different relationships. Looking at them now I can't believe they were ever a couple.

I would say that there are many things they could have done to make it easier on us, and there are aspects of life/relationships I struggle with which I would trace to the impact of it all. But I am convinced that if they had stayed together the consequences for my emotional development would have been much, much worse.

They did and its affected me for the rest of my life unfortunately.

Yes, I was 14 (1988). It was fine actually, they'd hated each other for ages and I never liked the fact my parents couldn't care less about each other.

We were able to stay living at home with mum. Dad bought a house in the same town and gave me and my sister keys so we could go round whenever we wanted, no silly alternate weekends or anything like that. And he took us on holiday for the next 3 summers after that.

They both remarried and ended up on civil terms. Mum and my stepmum still meet for coffee actually, although dad died 3yrs ago.

I was 12 and I'm eternally grateful for it. Both met lovely new partners after a while and were much happier for so doing. My childhood from earliest memories till then was pretty horrible. They should have split up years before and probably in truth, before I was accidentally conceived. I'm so relieved I got to see better relationships modelled by them in my teens, otherwise this tense, unhappy household in which my mum especially was getting more bitter and depressed, would have been normalised.

I've seen a few of your posts love. You're not happy at all are you?

Mine did, it gave me all kinds of issues. But that would have been the case regardless of whether they'd gone through with it. Once you get to that point any seeds are well and truly sown IYSWIM.

Yes, when I was 11. It was fucking awful and they used me as a conduit for their bitterness and anger towards each other.

Great replies . Keep them coming

So many of these responses bear out what the teens I work with say.

It wasn't the divorce that fucked them up, it was the marriage.

Or the acrimony while the divorce was going through and during the aftermath.

My parents didn't divorce until my 20's, although there marriage was over for many years before that. My mother was very controlling and my father would drift from his mums to being with my DM and back again. When I asked my DM if I could live with my DF and Dgrandma I wasn't allowed to. We all lived in the same village so I did sneak off as much as I could.

When my DF did decide to divorce my DM. I asked him why he waited so long, he told me that he left it until DSis and I were adults so that he could remain in both of our lives and to make sure we weren't trapped
As children with our DM.

My DM was abusive and controlling, when DF finally started divorce proceedings she lost it big time and turned violent and nasty towards all of us. I was very glad that I didn't have to go through it all whilst still living at home.

My DM would bitch about my DF constantly when he was living at grans. Oh how she tried to poison us, it backfired spectacularly.

You see I have mixed feelings about divorcing with children involved. If DF had not waited until we were adults I think I would have felt abandoned. Living with DM was a complete nightmare and I'm so glad DF did what he did.

If you must divorce I really am a big advocate of letting teenagers choose who they live want to live with. Don't make them feel bad or sad if its not you. If DM had let us go with my DF perhaps they could've divorced earlier and gotten on with their lives and not waited until their 50's for their new beginnings.

I was 13 - it was not a good time.
I think its made me a better mother to my children because I got no attention at all from my parents after their divorce, encouragement I suppose I mean, to do well at school and succeed. I was in pubs at 15 drinking and it was accepted. I hardly ever saw my father and my mother was off trying to make a new life for herself. I recall vividly nobody knowing or caring that my O'levels were going on, when they did. Nobody said a word to me about it. I was terribly feral from age 14 to 20. Its all very sad. A huge waste. Many other bad things began for me at this age.
But as a result I encourage my own children to succeed. I have made sure I am here to ask them how their day went? Whatever they have been up to. I got them really from tiny and taught them right from wrong, respect for elders and what I will and will not tolerate under my roof. My then friends thought I was bonkers disciplining kids so young and never going out anywhere myself. I absolutely made it clear there would be no out and about gallivanting. And made it clear, whatever they did - I would be here watching, telling and loving them.
I have 3 great children. We don't have as much as a slammed door in our house. Its sickeningly nice living with my kids.
I would tell anybody divorcing when they have children to please talk to your children, even if its about nothing of importance, such as, what lady down road did or did you see x at the bus stop this morning!? As it will be a huge importance to them. I wish somebody had been about to talk to me at 14 to 20 because, as said, I made whoppers of mistakes which I pay for still today. Just mundane conversation would have been enough for me I think, back then.

13 when my parents split. The divorce was no problem, it was how my parents behaved over that time and afterwards.

Please listen OP. if you need to split from your DH then do. I know you are worried but as you can see from the posts above its all to do with how the parents deal with it. Don't abuse or treat each other badly. Don't slag off your DP to your kids. Communicate with your kids and reassure them.

siezethenight your teenage years sound very much like mine

I've been trading this thread with interest. My parents divorced when I was 4, so I don't remember some of it. I do remember that any nastiness between them, difficulties with step parents and my mum falling apart over the break up of her subsequent relationship was just awful.

Sadly it looks as though my partner and I are separating, I'm struggling with this but it is a whole other thread.

I want to try and explain to him how important it is that we stay civil when it comes to DS (6), despite the inevitable bumpy road coming our way. He's unlikely to listen though, and will see it as me telling him what to do. I'm tempted to show him this thread but don't want him to find MN as he might then find me on it!

I was 11 and my brother was 9. Looking back now, they both handled it badly in the way they behaved with each other and how they directly involved us in their bitter point scoring which I guess has affected me insofar that I waited until I was totally ready to marry and also to marry a man who I am fairly sure wouldn't behave so appallingly if our marriage failed.. I also vowed never to be so dependant on a man and that I could financially survive on my own (my mum dealt some terribly low blows and practically ruined my dad).

That said, I was glad when they split because the constant rowing, doors being smashed in, finding a man that wasn't my dad in their bed, stopped. I do hate and avoid confrontation which sometimes I think comes from years of being caught in the middle of a war.

Yes, I was just 14, my db was 12
Completely out of blue my dad didn't come home one night. No one was aware of any problems, including my mum. I never heard them argue once, about anything..
I can't remember how, but found out he was ok, but still remember holding my mums hand in the window watching for him to come home.

Turned out there was another woman, but he never spoke to mum again, all contact through letters.

My mum, to her eternal credit, always facilitated and encouraged contact, although my db never forgave him and went off the rails for a while. He desperately missed his dad, and took out his anger on himself and us.

I was so busy trying to look after mum, taking over her role and trying to do the 'dad' jobs too, whilst she broke apart. I never got the chance to grieve or get angry and this has had a lasting impact on me. Late 40's now.

Family and friend were all incredibly shocked, he was such a liked and gentle person, and none of us had a clue. He never contacted any of his family or his friends again either.

My db and I saw him for about 4 weekends a year, he gave mum the house and paid maintenance.

Once he left he backed away from the role of parent, maybe he thought he had forfeited any rights, but that left all parenting to mum, very fragile. It also meant that we lost parent/child relationship closeness too.

I still miss it.

My mum finally divorced my dad when I was about 11.

He was an alcoholic, and life was bad. I begged her for years to divorce him. It was so much better once he went. I never wanted to see him again, and I never did. She always maintained that it was an illness. She was horribly ashamed and passed that on to me.

He signed the family house over to her, but had left debts, so she sold the house and we moved. He didn't pay any maintenance at all.

I also had to grow up quickly. My mum was a bit naive in some ways and asked me for advice on lots of things. I became very independent.

I was 11 the first time they separated. The divorce had no effect on me. The fact I had a virtually non existent relationship before and after the divorce (he worked abroad), the fact my mum bad mouthed him all the time, the fact no one had even given any clue things were bad so that I was completely bemused by the split and the fact they repeatedly got back together before finally splitting up when i was about 15 is what really screwed me up. If you can make it clear you both love them and both stay in their lives then they will be fine. I truly believe that