Did your parents divorce when you were somewhere around 9 - 14? How did it affect you?

[Selba]

That's all really. No prizes for guessing why I am asking .
Thanks

No.

Honestly? Probably before they get used to the fact that you are a family. I'd say at any age it will have an effect though...don't think it is quantifiable at any age, But then it depends on so many things. How you both handle it all, the personality of your kids, your currently family dynamic...

Mine divorced when I was 10. It would have been ok if my mother had been able to cope better. As it was she was devastated, sunk into a deep depression/alcoholism and has pretty much never got over it. My father met someone much younger (not the cause of the split) remarried and had 3 children much younger than me, the eldest of whom was born when I was 16. After that my father was pretty neglectful of me, tbh. He was married to my step mother for much longer than my mother and I always felt like his children with her were his "real" family. All my adult life I never saw him more than a couple of times a year, although he only lived about 50 miles away. He died two years ago and we were never close after he left the family home when I was 10. My parents were both a little bit rubbish, to be fair, and I feel sad about it quite often (am now 50), especially when I see families who are closer all around me.

Mine divorced when I was 11 or 12. It was bitter. Dad got custody of us even though she left under duress. Then after he'd remarried and had a further 3 children, mum had also remarried but both left their respective partners to get together again when I was 18.

It didn't work, he left 3 months later on Xmas day.

Honestly it still affects me to this day. Father hates mother, talks badly about her. I hate it.

The nasty shit that was said to us as children to attempt to discredit the other parent was awful.

12 for me. Ruined my life. Sorry

Emotionally, probably 0-5 years, because human beings' memories are more vivid and capable of recollection from 5 onwards.

I think it's good that you've raised age though because I think there are lots of myths around that older children - or those who've left home - fare better, whereas those children and adults often tell different stories.

Some older teenagers and young adults feel conned that their whole childhoods were a lie and it can be especially unsettling for new university students away from home for the first time to cope with there not being a 'home' as they knew it to come back to in the holidays.

Being the age I am, I know quite a few divorced couples with children and if I had to write a formula for the best outcome for children it would be this: An overriding focus on children's rights and not parental rights; giving children age-appropriate facts and truths (and definitely no lies); allowing children the right to express their feelings about the break-up and answering questions honestly; shared or at least co-operative parenting with both parents living near one another if children are too young to transport themselves between houses; sufficient money and especially, both parents being equally responsible for children's costs; equal interest shown in education/friends/hobbies and passions; sufficient time given to children to see a parent on his/her own, or with just other siblings; encouragement given to the children to nurture their relationships with both parents; recognition given that the parent who has the children the majority of the time has got the harder job; civilised - and in the best of cases, amicable relationships with any step-parents who enter the picture.

Those feats are damnably hard to achieve, I've noticed, when a break-up is sudden and shocking, when there is someone else involved, when the step-parents are instant and were involved in the break-up or when the separated family's living standards decrease dramatically because of financing two residences and sometimes a second family.

The children of divorced parents of my acquaintance who cope best are the ones who knew their parents' relationship was making one or both unhappy, realised because they'd been told that every effort had been made to maintain the relationship, have relationships with both parents, aren't materially worse off and whose parents didn't break up because of the involvement of anyone else.

I was nearly 11, sister nearly 8. Mum told me years later that she worried herself sick over it because she'd read that ore-adolescence was the very worst age to experience a parents' divorce.

But I just echo everyone who says it's all down to the parents' behaviour. Mum and Dad had their moments, but they stayed living close to each other so we could come and go as we pleased, and we never witnessed any unpleasantness between them.

The other really positive thing I think was that we stayed close to both extended families, spent lots of time with all of them, so Mum and Dad weren't the only adult role models, and theirs wasn't the only relationship we had modelled.

As an adult, I can see that Mum and Dad we're totally unsuited to each other, but my sister and I are close to both if them, and all our adult relationships have been healthy and positive.

*were.

OK, so my parents divorce was a nightmare, but my own split with DS1's dad was not. We were both very young when we had him (19) and once he was born we mutually decided that we were too young and that it wouldn't work. So we'd just be parents and friends. It's always been friendly and my ex has always realised that I've done much more for DS1. They've always had plenty of contact (including time spent with all 3 of us together) because it is friendly and there are no grudges.

My ex has even been supportive of us having to move far away for my work, and has been very accommodating. I think this is because he realises that he does just get the fun bits of parenting while I get the nagging and drudge work of parenting. I think as he's grown up, my ex has realised that he didn't do anything much when Ds1 was younger and that having him didn't affect his life the way it has mine, so he's willing to put himself out a lot. But, I'm not (and never have been) bitter about the fact that he wasn't grown up enough to have DS over night until he was 6 (and even then it was at my flat because I had to go away for work), which also helps. He's always been the best dad he could be and adores DS.

DS1 sees his dad in the school holidays, and plays Xbox with his dad regularly (chatting away on Xbox live). I drove up to pick up Ds1 from his day's yesterday (he usually brings him down and picks him up himself, but there were work-related issues this time so I went and got him). But his dad is going to drive down for DS1's birthday on Wednesday and we're all (DS1, his dad, his day's girlfriend, me, DH and DS2) are all going out for dinner to celebrate.

So, I don't think Ds1 has been at all messed up by not having a traditional family. He's quite happy with it all because it isn't an emotionally abusive nightmare (or any of the other things that mess children up). It's just what he's used to, and everyone gets on and thinks about what DS1 wants and needs.

The problem is that when most people split up they are both really hurt, and that makes it difficult to do what's right for the children. If there are no children, they can just go their separate ways. but where there are children, that's impossible. Even where one parent is trying their best, the other can bugger it all up by behaving badly.

Mine did when I was ten. I can't lie - it was absolutely awful and has left massive emotional scars.

However there were lots of contributing factors that made it terrible - I was already in a bad emotional place because of both my parents' behaviour - my mother was very controlling, borderline emotionally abusive; my father - totally selfish and really only cared about himself.

Due to the split our family home was sold, my mother, sister and I moved into a series of rental flats. It was hugely stressful because my mother never kept anything to herself and leaned on me and my sister for emotional support, so I had to hear all about how she couldn't find a flat, didn't know where we'd live, how we had no money etc. My dad had to take our dog with him as we couldn't keep a dog in rental accommodation, so we lost the dog on top of all the other upheaval.

My Dad moved straight in with OW; the poor dog was relegated to an outside kennel; when we visited I felt torn apart with guilt and grief about this. As an adult I can see that some of that grief must have been projection of what I felt had happened to me - pushed out of my home, shoved into a horrible flat and not allowed in with my Dad. From the day he moved out I can count on one hand the number of times I've been alone with him - my stepmother NEVER left us to have any time together.

Those were the worst bits, I think. Sorry for the rant but I think it gives an idea of how not to manage a split. I know you can't control your partner's behaviour towards the DCs, but supporting your children in their grief and getting your support from elsewhere rather than your DCs will make things easier. Sorry you are in this situation and really hope things work out for you.

My parents split up when I was 12. I was the one that found out that my mother had been having an affair for a year, and the one that told her she had to tell my Dad (or, as it seemed at age 12, the one that split my family up). The ?reasons? she gave me for not telling us were that it was always the ?wrong time? (someone?s birthday, family event etc). These felt like excuses to me. Please don?t let your children realise what is happening before you tell them. They will pick up on more than you realise. I didn?t walk in on anything to discover my mother?s affair. I guessed. No lasting damage though, I?m fine! Sorry for what you are going through. As long as you put them first they will be fine.

I was two when my parents split up and my sister was a few months old, it had a massive effect on me. I think being so young it could have been relatively painless for me, however it was the years afterwards that really effected me.
My dad left my mum for another woman, from the minute he left he refused to see us on his own and insisted my step mum had to always be there too. Even to this day I am not allowed to see my dad on my own, and as a result our relarionship is pretty much none existent.. As you can imagine this was very difficult for my mum, not only had she replaced my mum as a wife but she was also trying to replace her as a mother. Even though I was very young I remember being acutely aware of the tension between my mum and dad but not being able to make sense of it. My dad and step mum bad mouthed my mum every chance they got, my mum to her credit never criticised my dad in front of me and my sister.
As other people have said it all depends on how you handle it. I think it's important that you make sure your children understand what is happening, but also that the information you tell them is age appropriate. I think if my parents would have sat me down together and explained what was happening it would have helped a lot. Instead I got told two very different stories which was extremely confusing.

I was quite glad when my parents got divorced after a lifetime of arguments and low-level domestic violence (by both parties towards each other). I was about 11 at the time.
Yet the time after the divorce was even worse. A succession of "step fathers" and "step siblings". Little contact with my father which gradually dwindled away to none at all because my mother made it so difficult (i.e. made me feel guilty for seeing him and woe betide I should ever suggest I had actually had a pleasant time with him). Left pretty much to my own devices throughout my teenage years.

I was 12 - it was a complete shock.

The worst thing was no one ever spoke about it beyond Dad doesn't live her anymore (he left for OW).

No one ever checked in with me as to how I was doing or how I felt? If I didn't feel emotionally disconnected from my family (self even?) and unsupported and unloved by then, the split certainly cemented these really negative and disconnected feelings.

It's taken me years and years to claw back and learn even, some self respect, and how to connect emotionally.

But it wasn't the split/divorce as such that was the problem, but they way they handled it.

Mine divorced when I was 10. I am going to link to two blog posts I wrote about this period of my life quoting extracts from the diary I kept at this age. (I have name changed for this.)

In short, initially I didn't really think it affected me, but it did. I think the reason it didn't initially was because my parents still lived close to each other and saw a lot of each other, so it didn't feel too different. And it was an amicable divorce.

What really messed me up I think was my mum moving a long way from my dad so we got to see him far less frequently. I think the main thing it did was rock my self-esteem. I still have issues with that today.

I hope you find the blog posts useful
blog 1

blog 2

thank you all.
But especially unpublished
i laughed and I cried at your blog.
Bless you and your brother x

Split when I was 8 and still affects me now. It may of been the best thing to do as I fear they would have ended up killing each other if they stayed married but even so it has proved to so destructive in so many ways.
I was a little boy then (for those who don't know I live as a woman now) and stayed with my mum.
Although i later learnt that my Dad was cheating on my Mum (mum also started cheating when she found this out) I doted on my Dad and in my eyes he was perfect.
Mum met my stepdad and he became the focus of her life. He started off being really nice to woo his way in and then became a complete bastard and I feel emotionally abused us. He wouldn't speak to us for weeks on end and I would eat meals in my room so I didn't have to face him. We weren't allowed door keys until we left home so if they were out and came home we had to sit outside and wait. He would hide the tv remote so we couldn't change channel. When they had a daughter she was treated like a princess. I'd be sitting in the lounge and my stepdad and stepsister would share chocolate he had bought and not even offer it to me and my real sis.
They never spent the allowance my dad paid them on me or my sis so when I went to dads he wanted to know why my shoes had holes in and clothes were worn out (my stepdad was very highly paid). This would result in blazing rows with him and my stepmom which normally ended in them screaming at me to confront mum and stepdad.
My stepdad died recently and I think 5 people went to his funeral, my mum is distraught about it obviously but was so wrapped up in him she now has no friends as they shut themselves off from everyone.
Dad would let us down and not turn up to collect us for weekends with him which broke my heart.
I was also going through gender issues which would lead me to becoming a woman but this of course would have happened regardless!
I walked out eventually and went to stay with a girlfriend and then to various digs and bedsits up and became a thief and drug addict. Then moved to Spain and get myself together and began the transformation to Sarah.
I am civil (just about) with 3 of them but it's very strained particularly because of my gender change.
All in all divorce is evil but unfortunately a third of marriages end this way so it will always he a huge factor. I am convinced that I am deeply damaged by the break up and will be for all my life. I am crying as I write this now!

Although I am not the op, I have come back to this thread and read everyone's posts. Thanks to all for sharing. It is a very thought-provoking thread. I know it is a desperately old-fashioned thing to say that divorce damages children but I think in many cases it does and there is no point in brushing that under the carpet.

I'm so sorry that so many people have suffered following their patents splitting up. Sadly my partner of 10 years is leavi g me and our son (6).

This thread has made me more worried than ever about the effect it will have on DS.

its a sad thread and difficult especially for people who are left by a partner. The fact is you can't protect your children from everything and it's out of your hands if one partner just ups and leaves for OW or whatever.

I think all you can do is lean on friends/counsellor be there for dcs as much as possible, reassure them it's not their fault, and build your life back up as best you can being as amicable as possible with the ex (sometimes unbelievably hard.) The sad fact is sometimes life just throws you curve balls and the same goes for children - some lose one or both parents or a sibling, suffer a serious or disabling illness or all sorts. I guess ultimately how people get over things depends on a lot of factors

I think the saddest thing is the abandonment that is played out again and again as people share their stories. Fathers not staying in contact, mothers ceasing to engage on an emotional level with their children.
I still think that it's better to live your life honestly and if that means divorcing then so be it.
I suspect OP that if you asked for stories where parents had stayed together for their children's sake you would hear very sad posts too.

Sorry verygentlydoesit I realise my post doesn't take into account that your DP is the one doing the leaving.
I'm so sorry it's shitty for you.
Being thoughtful, age appropriate honesty and good communication with your DS will protect him from much of what you've read above.

I was 14 when mine did. It was a massive shock. It was awful and I felt deeply ashamed at the time.

My DM Was a complete loon after my parents split and still is she tried to kill my DF three times, THREE TIMES!
She strangled him in his sleep once and tried to run him over twice. I find it funny now as its so ridiculous but at the time it wasn't so great. I can guarantee OP you will handle it better than my sociopath DM.

I have to say that in a lot of these cases including yours accidental I can't see that the parenting experience would've been great irrespective of the divorce
Certainly in my own case it was parents who were the problem and the divorce itself was only one factor. It's not like if my parents had stayed married I'd have had a great childhood - I think that's often the case tbh