Did your parents divorce when you were somewhere around 9 - 14? How did it affect you?

[Selba]

That's all really. No prizes for guessing why I am asking .
Thanks

Mine split up when I was 12. It affected me really badly, but only because they both behaved dreadfully and used me as a pawn in their petty war. The actual splitting up really isn't the issue, it's how you handle it.

I wish mine had, instead they hung out until I was 17 and it was very very unpleasant - I freely admit I have many trust issues around men (my father was a twunt) My sister and brother were 9 and 12 and came out of it far far better than I did. Splitting up is far better than living in a nasty environment.

They did, and it affected me hugely as i was a real daddies girl and had to stay with my Mum. Actually I think it would have been OK longer term had my DM not got together with an emotionally abusive fuckwit whom she later married....that's the bit that mostly f'ed me up.
I fact their joint handling (DM and DDad) of the situation was selfish on both sides, and the repercussions of that still affect our lives today. They now slag one another off to me, which they DIDN'T when I was younger, I can't imagine why they feel it is acceptable now I am an adult. I still feel i have to choose one or other of them to be loyal to and get on with. I recently called them both on it with varying degrees of success.
If you are going to do it, then I believe it CAN be done well, but it will involve a great deal of sensitivity and selflessness on your part, not just now, but later too....

My parents divorced when I was 14. DF was seeing OW who he later on married.
DM was very upset and angry (understandably) but myself and sisters ended up caught in the middle of a very bitter divorce.

DM didn't like us having contact with DF when he left. I was a Daddy's girl so still wanted to see him. DM was always bad mouthing him in front of us, telling us what we could and couldn't say on the rare occasions we had contact and let me know every detail about their divorce.

I ended up having a mental breakdown at 15 and have been involved with various mental health sources since. I had underlying mental health issues anyway but I think my parents divorce was the ultimate trigger.

Myself and DM have a very strained relationship, I barely see or hear from her these days. I have managed to rebuild the relationship with DF over the past year. Although it's been hard to forget what went on (and there was a lot of other stuff when I was 15-17) I sometimes think my life would of turned out differently if they had stayed together.

Boundaries and rules went out the window. My parents were very strict and when they split up, they left us to do what ever we liked. They really didn't give a shit tbh.

To illustrate how not to do it, I will give just a few examples of my absolutely not wonderful parents' behaviour during and after their divorce:

1. Shortly after they split up, my dad arranged to take my sister and I on holiday to Disney World in Florida. The day before we were due to go (although I'm sure he planned it more in advance of this) he decided that he wasn't going to bother taking us and took my aunt and cousin instead. I then had to go and visit my aunt and listen to her and my cousin going on about the great holiday they had. My crappy fathers's reasoning: it would get at my mother. He did lots of similar letting us down tricks to get at my mother, but this was one where she or her friends couldn't swoop in and rescue the situation in some way.

1. When I first started going on overnight contact with my father in his new one bedroom flat, my mother decided to tell me how I needed to watch out in case he sexually abused me. My father was an absolute twunt, but I really don't think that there was ever any danger of sexual abuse. It was all just a power game my mother way playing.

1. My father decided that he wasn't going to have any contact with my sister, but he was going to have contact with me. I was, then, compelled to have contact with him even though he clearly didn't give a shit about seeing me and would just dump me at my grandparents for my aunt to look after. This meant that I couldn't spend very little time with my school friends. My mother decided that she would take out my father's rejection of my sister on me and threw me out when I was 14 telling me to go to my dad's. I didn't want to go to my dad's (where I didn't even have a bed) so I went to my friends house and slept on her floor for a few days before my mum let me come back home.

1. Both parents would bad mouth each other continuously to me. It was really horrible. It also meant that I knew everything about the pathetic games they were playing with each other (although it's only looking back that I can see them as pathetic games, at the time it was just awful and hurtful and confusing). This included embroiling my sister and I in the legalities of their divorce (my mother wanted us called as witnesses as the divorce dragged on and on).

1. My dad would do just about anything to get out of paying maintenance. He let a successful business go under just so he could not pay maintenance (and so he wouldn't have to give my mum money rather than getting money from her for the house). He purposefully got himself sacked from 2 jobs and claimed JSA when the CSA got involved. He lied about where he was living (for undoubtedly dodgy reasons).

Now, this might seem like a list of five really obvious things that no one should ever do. But it's just a little bit of the shit I had to put up with when my parents split up/divorced.

What would have been good would have been if my parents had been decent human beings able to look past themselves and think a little bit about their children. There's actually loads of advice available about how to help your children through a divorce available (and solicitors often have leaflets in their waiting rooms, at least the firm I used for conveyancing did).

Note: the fact that you have come on here to ask means that you are starting out with the right intentions and looking to support your children.

I honestly don't think it's divorce that screws children up; it's parents behaving badly. And they can do that whatever their marital status. My parents, for example, would have been shitty parents if they had stayed married. They'd just have found different ways to fuck my sister and I up.

I was 11 or 12. It was fine, my parents were both very civilised about it. They've always been able to be friendly towards one another at family events etc. The big downside was my new stepmother, she hated me from day one and made it very clear. She was very manipulative with my DF. Fortunately they divorced and some years later I got a new stepmother who is absolutely lovely.

hmm one day when I was 12 I came home on a Saturday lunchtime and my mum and dad told me and my bro that dad had met someone else and would be leaving.
then he and his new wife had five more children and told them we were not related to them. whatever.

Similar situation to FriedSprout - out of the blue.

I was aware of the stigma of having divorced parents, 'a broken home'.

DF gave almost no financial support and was not chased for it, leaving us with very little income.

DB went to live with DF and his new partner, but I had very little contact with DF - not through my choosing.

My DM was fantastically good at not bad-mouthing him.

I felt ashamed and rejected.

I was aware of the stigma of having divorced parents, 'a broken home'
innit chocoluvva? i remember that suddenly i was ffrom a 'broken home' and therefore a bit crap, in 'custody' and 'under care and control' - when i had done nothing wrong!

I was 9. DF had met someone else and basically kicked mum out for this new woman to move in (she never did move in ). The oddest thing was that they split up the children. My DB's got to live with our Mum, I got to live with DF but as he worked long hours I basically suddenly became an only child and a latch key kid in one fell swoop.

I still resent my DF (that was 40years ago now) for splitting me from my siblings and taking me away from the chance to grow up with my Mum who I only saw once a week. I do understand that it was probably for the best though as they were always arguing, and when I entered the serious relationship phase of life in my twenties it took me years to get over the fear that an argument automatically meant break up. My Mum met someone who is lovely and a perfect partner for her and has been much happier than if she hadn't been kicked out, so I'm pleased for her.

I'm now very close to Mum and at times quite hostile to my DF.

Oh yes - the stigma. I remember that well. I was the ONLY child in the school from a broken home.

"I honestly don't think it's divorce that screws children up; it's parents behaving badly. And they can do that whatever their marital status."

This, from ArbitraryUsername, says it exactly.

What she said^

In my case, I don't totally agree. Other than the fact he buggered off, there was never any bad behaviour, neither said a word against the other, ever.
Its a lot for kids to get their heads around - their parent doesn't want to live with them anymore? He didn't only dessert my mum, he deserted us.
I can see why some people say they were almost relieved when the divorce happened, but not in all cases, and not in ours.

We were the only children in school with divorced parents too.

Selba - I'm a numpty - I've just realised that you are considering/going through a divorce..... Slow or what?

FWIW - there is absolutely no stigma now.

Would marriage counselling be possible/relevant?

One stable parent is absolutely fine for children - as long as they know they're loved and will always have the support of at least one of their parents they'll be fine.

But you must not say bitter things about their father - he's their dad whatever happens/whatever he's done.

If your home is fraught with arguments/very unhappy your DCs will immediately benefit from you separating, but there will be a cost in terms of being unsettled and the inconvenience of two homes will be a pain.

Good luck.

FriedSprout - I know what you mean - our fathers left our mums and us too.

Yes I was about 9 and it greatly affected me. Still does now tbh. My mum is one crazy lady though and it got dragged out way longer than it should have done, I was also heavily involved by a few family members and my sister was going through a hard time and kept telling me it was all my fault and my dad never really loved me, naturally I believed her!

I'm assuming you are going through a divorce with children that age? I wish you all the strength and hope you need to get through it. I don't think there's a right way to help children get through it, just be there for them to talk to and please, please, don't badmouth their dad in front of them.

I was 11 ish.
Up until the point that my mum took me out for a walk and told me that we would be moving into a cottage away from my dad I had absolutely not a clue things weren't right. In a bid to make me feel better she told me it was because 'Daddy needs quiet to write his music'. Guess who spent the next few years thinking it was all her fault becuase she was too noisy?
My parents should never have married and I have no doubt that both of them are much happier than they would have been. Me not so much. I have spent the last 30 years getting over the crud that happened next.
My mum still bad mouths my dad. As a teenager if I stepped out of line I was told 'You are just like your father'.
My mum's tales of my father's EA towards hers fill me with mystification - especially as she is rather good at EA herself! The man I see and the man she talks about are two entirely different people. I suspect that is the crux of EA mind you.

I was 13 and my younger sister was 10. I strongly believe that it depends on the personalities of the children involved.

My parents were happy, no arguments, happy family life until my dad suddenly had a mid-life crisis, affair and left. Neither parent bad-mouthed the other after it happened although my mum had a nervous breakdown and I had bore the brunt of looking after her (a social worker used to visit once a week to check she hadn't killed herself as part of their 'suicide watch'!)

I have a strong, stubborn personality. Refused to 'talk about it' with friends and tried to be strong for everyone. I rebelled against it in that I tried to prove people wrong who said I wouldn't become anything as I came from a broken home so I got the best GCSE results in my school and went on to get degree, MA, great job, happily married. Underneath it all I am insecure, have found it difficult to say 'no' in relationships with men (I guess in case they leave me too) and don't like upsetting family (in case they leave).

My sister has a strong, stubborn personality and her response was to live up to the reputation of coming from a broken home. Drugs, many unsuitable men, dropped out of college, changes jobs and men frequently even she is now 30. She craves male attention and male approval (as a substitute for our dad).

We both had the same family life and upbringing and very similar personalities but reacted in totally different ways.

I'm glad that there have been do many honest posts on this thread, and I'm sorry that so many people had such a tough time.

I'm now even more petrified about the effect splitting up with my P is going to have on our DS (6). P is leaving in 2 weeks, we plan to tell DS then. I'm absolutely convinced that he's seen no animosity and has no idea that things aren't ok. The situation is out if my hands, I plan to do all I can to minimise the impact on DS but I'm so worried after reading this thread .

FriedSprout: but in abandoning you (and only seeing your children 4 times a year is pretty pathetic), your father was behaving badly. You don't have to do bad things to your children to be behaving badly.

Even if one parent is doing their best by the children (and it sounds like your mum was), the other parent has to hold up their end of the parenting bargain too. I think that's the hard thing, to remember that you still share parenting roles for your children no matter what. And that means you have to work together in some way. It seems that this is what people really struggle with when they split up.

It doesn't have to be that way though. But it does mean putting your own hurt and issues aside and working out what your children need from you. Non-nuclear family set ups don't have to be 'broken'; they can be wonderful, functioning, supportive environments. (Just as many nuclear families are most definitely 'broken').

verygentlydoesit
I'm sorry to hear that you are facing divorce. As you can see, many of us say its all about how the parents handle it.

If both parents commit to remaining civil and the parent who is leaving commits to regular contact with your DS, it will minimise the impact.

Lots of posters also commented on feeling blame which is a natural assumption for a child to make. It will be important to reassure your DS that its not his fault and that you both love him just as much as before.

Not slagging off the other parent to the DS or in front of the DS is hugely important too.

arbitrary, that is very true, unfortunately if you split, you can only control your own behaviour, not that of your partner nor any subsequent new partner that enters the mix.
It's a really tough call, as Ibremember witnessing huge amounts of arguments and some plate throwing and aggression between my parents, and I'm sure longer term that would have been destructive too.
The answer of course is that more support should be out there for struggling couples...but then both partners would also have to be willing to go.
Perhaps we should be teaching our children more about managing successful relationships as they grow up, we do this with our kids, but I'd love to see it reinforced and supported at school.

Thank you all for being so honest.
Does anyone think there is an ideal age for the children to experience divorce?