Did your parents divorce when you were somewhere around 9 - 14? How did it affect you?

[Selba]

That's all really. No prizes for guessing why I am asking .
Thanks

My parents split when I was 14, got back together, split again - finally split totally when I was 15 & divorced when I was 17. It was hell.

My mum always said she wished she had left my dad when we were tiny - I wish she had too. Instead, she chose slap bang in the middle of me & my sis's major exam time.

I look at my 15 year old daughter, who has just sat her Standard Grades and wonder how my mum could do it - and how I coped. She finally walked out the day before my music prelim (she was having an affair).

We have a good relationship now, but I find her behaviour then alien and incomprehensible. If I think too much about it, it still hurts & I suppose it always will.

I was a bit younger, about 7 and the youngest of 6 children, oldest being 17 (oldest 4 were from my mum's 1st marriage). I say 'about 7' as I don't really know how old I was. My dad just disappeared, nothing was explained. It was never spoken about again. Siblings never speak about it to this day.

A very strict stepfather and the 1st half sibling came along within a year. My stepfather totally crossed the boundaries of appropriate behaviour by bathing me, asking if I had my period etc.

I can't remember my dad leaving or what went on apart from the terrifying (to me) domestic violence from both sides and my dad being drunk to the point of urinating on the sofa.

I was a very anxious child and developed what I now know is OCD by the age of 10. I was emotionally abused by my mother because I was 'just like HIM and his stinking family' among many other things. Never had any further contact with his family afterwards and have no memories of grandparents, aunts etc. Stepfather's family were only ever interested in my 2 half-siblings that he fathered to the point of only buying them birthday/xmas presents. My mother also cut all ties with HER massive family when she married my stepfather so I had no other adults to talk to/confide how shit it all was.

I ran out of the door at 18!

Finally had contact again with my 'dad' a few years ago in my late 30s after suffering from OCD and panic disorder all my adult life. Apparently my mum made it too hard for him to keep in contact, he could'nt afford maintenance etc so he thought it better to walk away . Mum said recently he came into a huge lump sum shortly after the divorce! Also I discovered from him that he'd sent cards/money for birthdays/xmas that my mum never gave us. He just ceased to exist for her and therefore for us too.

You can imagine the fallout when I called my mother and my 'dad' on their behaviour and how it has affected me recently when the scales finally fell from my eyes and I realised how shit my childhood was. I no longer speak to either of them.

I still don't know exactly what went on at the age of 41 as neither of them will talk about it. 'It's in the past and nothing to do with you'.

Right just totally fuck up my childhood and carry on believing it has had no impact on shaping me as a person at all?

I have 4 DC and I can't envisage them ever going through what I did if DH and I split. Both parents disgust me and it totally fucked me up actually. Probably a very extreme example!

Actually I apologise for my post as it's probably irrelevant to the OP whose situation is, I suspect, far far removed from my parent's. Just got carried away and quite angry about it especially after having my own DC .

I guess the moral of the story is I feel that if my mother actually taken more notice of how I was affected instead of dismissing me as crazy and projecting her hatred of my father onto me (not my 'full' brother, just me), when I just a very distressed and bewildered little girl, it may not have had such a big impact on me into adulthood (without me even accepting it until a late age) but then again, she is a complete narc so would'nt have cared anyway!

Honesty and openness in a childcentric way, without brushing it under the carpet, is key. As long as a DC feels loved and valued by both parents/step parents, has a lot of continuity of contact with the NRP and knows what's going on, I am sure they will get through it without the 'issues' I have had.

I don't think that divorce per se damages children. Bad parenting does.

But let's face it, parenting is a very tough thing to do anyway and doubly so if the parents are unhappy and miserable. So that applies to people who are staying in unsatisfactory relationships as well as to people who've been devastated by a break-up they didn't choose, or who have been left with deep emotional scars.

Luckily for me, my own parents were much better parents after the split. Because they were happy in their new lives and their personalities were transformed. I literally have no memories of my mum laughing or my dad smiling when I was very young, but I was lucky enough after the split to have 30-40 years of sharing their laughter, smiles and complete joy in life - and for that I'm very grateful.

Parents separated when I was 14. Im 26 now. Was a lot more sheltered before they broke up. Honestly, it completely fucked me up but that's because of the way my parents behaved- dad swanned off with his new wife and treated me like a burden and told me all men do this to their wives, mum had a nervous breakdown and became very resentful and they both tried to play me off each other. I was an only child with no immediate family so the fallout was probably more intense than if I had been younger or had siblings. They bitched about each other for years and basically used me as a sounding board for all their problems. As a result I was exposed to a lot of adult issues and bitterness at a tender age and had to grow up very fast, and I carry that bitterness with me still. Been in and out of therapy ever since. It makes my relationships hard to this day, lots of trust issues and anger issues and I doubt I will ever marry. To be fair though, my parents are a lot happier now, my mother especially but it was a very hard time for all of us then.

Don't really have any advice for you, except if you're a normal, civil person (unlike my parents) you'll probably be alright. Let your kids be kids. Don't involve them in your issues or angst, that's what therapists are for. Understand that your kids will be upset and their behaviour may change for a while until they adapt. Try to be civil and keep things as stable as possible. And if your kids are struggling, an impartial counsellor/child psychologist can really help out. Hope things work out for you.

I do think divorce should be avoided for children and especially when they are in the difficult teenage years. But life is not always ideal. Never minimise the impact divorce can have on your children to assuage your guilt. It is awful when your parents split up, there is no way round that.

It isn't awful for all children. Sometimes it's their saviour.

Well, you can see from the responses that it is awful for many children and the pain doesn't necessarily go away when you grow up. You just learn to live with it - because you have no choice. Like bereavement really, it sucks.

I agree Bandinage, escaping an abusive or unhappy marriage is necessary, not only for the adult but for the children too.

Bad parental behaviour is awful for children, not divorce. It really is possible to divorce and behave well. Most people have been at pains to point out this distinction on the thread. It's not the divorce itself that's the issue, but parental behaviour afterwards and/or before.

I cringe for the children living in some of the relationships that are chronicled on the relationships board and although I'm more resilient now, I've shed many tears about the lives the children I work with have had to endure before their parents split up. It's often far more selfish and ruinous to children for parents to stay together.

I was 12. It was awful at the time. Mostly it was embarrassing because it was so rare back then. I got over it. My parents did not behave badly. I love them both to this day, and can see why they split.

It's agony, reading this thread. I am so sorry. For all the children, mine included.

Mine divorced when I was 5 but having put my dc through a split at the ages of 13,11,9,6 and 3 I can honestly say it was the best move I have ever done and although it was hard for 6 months or so, having a normal happy family now with happy normal balanced kids makes it all worthwhile. Good luck.

They are also all pleased that I left him, I've asked them 😉

I am from a very happy stepfamily, with both sides (both of the parents had kids) benefitting from the setup. I think what it does it bring forward and brutalise the moment when kids realise their parents aren't perfect, which they always do at some point anyway (or mostly).
They see their DM or DF (usually the one living away from the family) seeming selfish or neglectful or arrogant or like they don't know them anymore and it is a huge shock. Also it takes a long, tough time to find an appropriate set of emotions to direct to step-family without feeling disloyal/displaced. But it can happen, and we are all happily married now so it doesn't ruin kids for the future either. We were variously naughty and well behaved throughout our teens, like a normal family! x

I would add that it would have been worse if my parent had never remarried, I would have felt they were still mourning for the old family. So don't hesitate about moving on, it's actually good for the kids.

is bring forward

(marking place..)

v. interesting thread. My parents had a bad marriage which dragged on, with infidelity on both sides, until they divorced when I was 15. It was a relief as the atmosphere at home was unbearably tense. Normal kindness had gone out of the window. Awful. My school results were suffering too.

After my dad left to move in with OW, things still weren't that great, because my mum is what you could call 'a difficult person', and both parents handled it badly, but things were much better than before. I did well at school after that, and got into the university of my choice.

I'm convinced that this may not have happened had they stayed together, and I wouldn't be where I am today.

I was 9when I discovered my father?s affair, 10 when my bandaid brother was born, 12 when they separated and 15 when he finally moved out.

There was never fighting, just acute tension and lack of compatibility. I was so relieved when they split.

But:
I had to grow up very fast and do too much while my mother wallowed in it
She confided in me way too much
My dad never mentioned it and didn?t see us enough so we became strangers
I hated my dad for several years over the affair
My brother has blocked out most of his early years
The incessant moaning of having no money has buggered up my spending and saving habits for life
They were so self absorbed that I had free reign and could very easily have gone off the rails, they forgot about me and what attention there was went on my brother as he ?was the baby?

How it affected me?

Poor self esteem leading to poor choices in men, I took on stepkids young to create my own family, I married a ?father figure?, very extrovert from having to try and get attention (served me well at work) and way too much partying when younger.

I wish they had done better. I wish they had:

Acknowledged that not just small children are traumatised by a split

Both parents need to be honest and not bitch about the other

Lavish attention on the kids, make them feel secure

Do not get so caught up in the financial side of things

Not given me so much responsibility and freedom, I was managing a bar at 17 ffs

Now I am also going through a divorce with two teenage stepsons and a small DD so am acutely aware of the following:

Being honest with what?s happening but not bitching about their dad
Not talking money unless necessary
Finding more time for them, prioritising them
Not letting the discipline slip or spoiling them

But, I must add, my parents are happily remarried and quite good friends with each other now. My relationship with both is excellent but I still feel like the parent to this day!!

this thread is one of the best and most insightful I have ever seen on MN.
So many different circumstances, yet much common ground.

And all from the child's perspective

True Selba I wonder why I haven't seen another thread like this before.

I think as this is Mumsnet, divorce will tend to be discussed from the parents point of view.

But as divorce has become more common, there are more and more adults with the experience of living through divorce as a child and I think it is important that side of the issue is also heard.

I do think teenage years are probably the worst to experience divorce, but maybe that is because you can remember and articulate your feelings better than those who were tiny at the time.

Also, no one wants to make anyone else feel guilty or rub salt into wounds, so we tend to take a cheery 'it will be all for the best/happy mum happy child' stance to family and friends. It needs a bit of space and permission to be able to open up about the reality of the situation.

Hmm well I am by turns feeling sad and happy reading this

My parents divorced when I was very young so I never knew anything different although there were plenty of issues due to lack of money but mostly life was good

My XH left almost 4 years ago when DC were 10 and 13 and I was so worried about how they would be affected.

I basically have tried to do everything badinage listed upthread and have done none of the things lots of posters are talking about. For the most part XH has done the same although his OW and her large family were a barrier for my DC to get over.

In the first year it was agonising at times smiling through news of their weekend at XHs or maintaining his dignity to them over different things when I would have liked to scream your Dads a cunt who treated us like second class citizens and then pissed off with an OW.

I stuck with it though because I knew I had to do everything so my DC didnt end up saddled with the kind of baggage I had.

Now 14 and 16 the DC seem largely unchanged and have kept a level path re school , friends, behaviour etc. DD doesnt have a brilliant relationship with her Dad but that isnt all to do with the divorce.

This thread appeared at the right time for me as I had been having lots of thoughts about how XH has unfairly benefited from my good grace and never had the roasting he deserved from me or the DC. I have had thoughts of telling the DC how much I put up with and a load of other stuff they dont need to know.

I know this is all about me though and how I am feeling and I need to address that not burden them.

Reading many of these posts has helped to reconnect to why to keep smiling and my mouth shut.

Well done comingintomyown - doing the right thing is not always easy, but you have certainly done the best you could for your children by putting their feelings above your own. I wish my mother could have behaved as you did.