Dating thread 55, everyone welcome!

[lubeytoobooby]

Woop! Lubes is BACK :o

newbies, daters, those taking a break, online dating real life dating or otherwise, and the loved up.... all welcome!

Off we go -chit chat away.

(I might even dip a toe back in myself)

Yeah he could be on there innocently too. But if he did ask you to commit and you turned him down I think it's kinda his prerogative to be on there anyway, iykwim?

Sorry -* offered out his no to meet her sometime

Well, I didn't outright turn him down, I said I wont be seeing anyone else while I was seeing him, and that things are ok as they are or the time being. Just didn't want to fully commit just yet

But OK, even if it is his preogative to be on there looking, I would have thought it only right that he tell me that, as he is still arranging dates with me and texting me every day?

qo - there is the problem we call the Sweet Trolley Syndrome - where people who do Online dating have whole pages of faces to look through, dozens or hundreds of profiles to read, and eventually in order to find the 'perfect person' you start weeding them out on completely ridiculous grounds. 2 inches too tall. Has a BA, not a BSc. Hair slightly too blond.

Then when you finally do meet someone and get on, you're still tempted to go back and carry on those conversations - still looking at the sweet trolley to see if something is just a bit more creamy/chocolatey/fruity than you have in front of you at the moment. It's human nature.

Maybe he equates 'girlfriend/boyfriend' with not seeing anyone else. You've told him you wouldn't be seeing anyone else, did he make similar promises? You don't have to ask him to promise outright, just say you really want to focus on what you've got with him and not get distracted by other guys, could he tell you if he's going to chat/meet to other women so you know where you stand? That way he should, if he's decent, stop chatting to them.

But OD is addictive.. Horrible sometimes and soul destroying, but also gives you a good feeling when you're chatting to someone attractive and get on with them..

oopsadaisymaisy - sorry, missed your post earlier. Some people just aren't texty, or chatty - they have a phone but rarely text people - men especially. How often is it that he's in touch with you?

The sweetshop analogy definitely holds at first. I sign inwardly if I'm chatting to someone who is really keen and appears new. But with time comes the realisation that the sweetshop sucks, all the new sweets have the same flaws and are never as chocolatey or as sweet as you think.

So why don't people learn from this and become better at OD over time? Maybe sites need a grade 2 membership for the jaded but wise and we can all inhibit the rules? I've realised that the sweetshop mentally was definitely getting to me so I'm making the effort not to chat to or meet other people when dates have got to the exploratory stage. The problem is of course it's all a bit prisoner's dilemma and I'm probably the only person doing this.

Qo he could be on there chatting with friends, looking at the sweet trolley, having some conversations with women, actually arranging dates - all sorts of things. I think it may be a bit awkward now he's asked you to be his gf and you said no - that was probably him saying to you that he wants to be "exclusive" (hate that word but can't really come up with an alternative) so you will just have to talk to him and both have an honest conversation about what's going on. If he's seen you on the site, and you've turned him down for being your bf, he's probably thinking you're not very serious about the relationship and he wants to keep his options open.

Stranger I am very, very worried about getting carried away with the sweetshop mentality. It would be so easy to do. But on the other hand, I am determined this time that I'm not going to settle for anything substandard. I know no-one's perfect, we are all human with all the faults and joys that come along with that, but it's a difficult line to walk between knowing someone isn't right for you (as in the guy I finished with yesterday) and hoping that there is someone who is more right just over the horizon.

So why don't people learn from this and become better at OD over time?

I would (cynically) suggest that dating sites dont want people to be good at finding what they want..dating sites want you to keep logging in and searching, to nearly but not quite get what they result, to feel as if the right person is just around the corner.

So the design of the site will reflect the needs (for profit) of the company running it

Crikey Merc....your cynicism is even more profound than mine...

I think mercury is spot on - sites don't want people to stop looking, the more people the more traffic, etc. Plus there are also a lot of people on sites who don't actually want a relationship even though their profile/ messages may suggest otherwise, and they will keep looking no matter what...

No news here. Text as yet undelivered. This could be because his phone's been off, or he's lost it again (both equally likely knowing him). I will probably try and resend, or maybe email, later today once I get an undelivered message (normally after about 24 hrs).

I'm not even finished yet Ike!

Casual and 'hook up' sites ruthlessly exploit men, they advertise on porn sites with the '100's of local women just want to fu(k' line.
The men pay membership, women can use the sites for free, the reality is that there are around 10 men for every one woman using the sites, and the women generally are looking for something much less 'casual' than the men are.

Really even the women are being exploited, they are used as bait to lure the men into coughing up for membership fee's.

Mostly men using the sites get very little (if any) sex, but women will respond just often enough to give the men hope that they might get a casual shag if they just pay for another month.

I used to find those sites kind of entertaining, but then I came to despise the men who were dumb enough to keep paying for membership

Hi all, I popped in a few weeks ago and you all gave good advice. Anyway I decided to be brave and messaged a guy I like and thought he liked me (we have already met in the past just to say hello and a bit of a chat). Messaging on and off for about 2 weeks getting more chatty and flirty, then......NOTHING. This is bloody hard work.

Hi Lahti - there are always disappearers on these sites and it can be a bit disheartening especially if you've already met and have a bit of rapport. I know this sounds like a cliche, but it's probably nothing at all to do with you and all to do with him/his hangups/other stuff going on in his life. Not that that helps a lot, but it's happened to us all. Only solution is to move on.

Oh, and they do often pop up again a few weeks (or even months!) later as if nothing happened . . .

Western if you are seeing someone and still hoping there is someone who is more right for you then they are not right for you.

It's good to give a potential date a go on the basis that it's a numbers game and maybe they didn't come across fully in thier profile but how are you filtering the ones you are meeting? I'm wondering because you have a very brief profile you are getting men who are nice enough but you have little in common with.

Ok is not enough if you want a relationship. Nothing wrong with meeting lots of men to see if they might be a possible, you just don't have to go along with any more because they asked.

OWW it's definitely not about settling, but for me I don't think it's helpful to still be arranging new dates if I'm several dates in with someone. I've realised that stacking them up doesn't seem to make it anymore likely to hit upon someone who seems better and it means you don't give all that nice excitement and anticipation a chance. I realised OD was making me horribly blase about emails and texts. Bant's right, it is addictive and I don't think it's good to log in to my email and expect to see another like or message. You become numb to it. It's the total opposite of all my real life dating when any text seems v exciting and loaded.

Juliette I will generally meet up with the ones that I chat with and seem nice. I guess I filter by who I like the sound of. The last one I met up with was a real break from my norm - he contacted me first and being honest I would have passed over his profile. I am not going to do this again but at the time I thought I'd try someone different and see if it worked better. The one I am meeting tonight is more my usual type.

The having things in common for me is more in terms of values/attitude. I don't honestly care if they like R&B and I like indie, or if they like football and I don't like sport. It doesn't matter. I had huge amounts in common with Indie, almost identical life patterns and situations, but it still didn't work. It's more the intangible thing of "clicking" and the day I work out how to tell that from a profile I will be one happy woman! But I wouldn't go out with anyone who showed fundamental differences/issues on their profile, and there are more than a few of those about.

How do other people decide who to meet up with? I've tended to have the attitude that if we get on reasonably well chatting/texting then I will give it a go, meet up and see if we click and if we don't I've not really lost anything and will have gained a pleasant night out if nothing more. Do other people do things differently?

I was thinking about when I started seeing LM and I almost stopped seeing him several times (and I wish I had now!) for various reasons. I really wasn't sure about things for a good while but I continued and ended up having a relationship with him where my feelings did develop a lot. And I wonder if it would be the same with other people if I gave them the same chance and saw them for longer even if I'm not immediately smitten. I really, really don't know the answer here. Maybe I've just not met the right person yet and when I do it will all be easy.

I've written in the past about studies where people were faced with the choice of 36 types of jam - including different style lids, labels, jars etc from one stall, and 6 types from another stall. The one selling only 6 sold far more because people suffer from the agony of choice. Indecision is caused by too many options.

It's the same with dating. Ooh I like that one, but that one has more in common with me politically, that one has kids the same age, the one over there speaks Spanish, like me..

If you meet someone in real life, there is a spark or not. It may only be a small spark but if it's there you can work out more about them and the things you have in common are cool, the differences are interesting. They don't tend to be barriers so much as they are when you're just looking at a profile. And you're not comparing them to other people because generally there aren't 20 different people winking and saying 'hi hun' when you're out in real life.

The Sweet Trolley is Evil. Ignore the Sweet Trolley.

That said, the CheshireCat won't say whether she's free for dinner tonight, and there is a speed dating thing on for expats. I'm tempted to go. I've only been to one before, and it was semi-successful.

Stranger - I agree but I've only got to that stage twice and have stopped looking/messaging/arranging dates after I thought there was a possibility things might go somewhere. I only have a date lined up for tonight as we set this up ages ago due to him being away on business a lot.

I can get excited about the texts and messages if it's someone I have met and liked, no problem, but have tried to train myself out of getting like this before meeting as I know I have a tendency to get emotionally involved too quickly if there seems to be something there. In fact, I know I can be far too trusting and gullible so I have to really fight against this and get a healthy dose of cynicism in there.

I really think I must be doing something wrong here but I don't know what, or how to change. Or maybe it's just me. Suffering from a bit of a confidence crisis today.

lahti - I've been thinking we should add a rule to the 5 we have so far.. "Sometimes people just vanish.. this is not your fault"

Bant, thank you :) there doesn't seem to be any pattern to when he contacts me. We went out Saturday, we text lots following the date for about an hour. He very clearly told me he liked me after the date but I haven't heard from him since. I feel pretty sure I will though. I just never know whether to text first. I know it makes sense to just do what feels right but I'm always reluctant to do the chasing. I'm if the opinion if someone likes me they will come and get me. Is that wrong?

I'm if the opinion if someone likes me they will come and get me.
problem is he might be thinking 'I've made it clear that I like her, I dont want to hassle her, she'll contact me if she feels the same'

OWW - you're not doing anything wrong, you just haven't met someone who's right for you yet, and you've learned not to settle for less than you're worth.

You're attractive, interesting and funny, and you're pretty much the cream of the crop when it comes to online dating. Believe me, I've seen the women out there, and you're far, far above average. Being selective is not the same as being overly picky, and much better than being desperate.

OWW, I'm like you. Too trusting too soon but I've decided I am who I am and I guess as long as we don't emotionally invest too soon then we can manage a little bit of disappointment. I always get over my disappointments eventually :)

Daisy - There is some substance to 'The Rules' - that book about how you should remain somewhat aloof because a man should work to get your attention. No matter how old-fashioned it is, and sexist, it's generally the case that if a woman appears too keen, the man goes off her. Ridiculous, but in my experience, true.

But mercury's comment is also true. If he's said he likes you he may be waiting for you to indicate you like him back. If you're too aloof, he may think you're just not interested

It's treading that thin line between being needy and aloof, which is different for everyone. Sexual politics is rubbish.

it's generally the case that if a woman appears too keen, the man goes off her. Ridiculous, but in my experience, true.
I dont think it is ridiculous, and it cuts both ways.
We all have a sense of what level of keenness is commensurate with the preceding interactions