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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating thread 55, everyone welcome!

999 replies

lubeytoobooby · 31/05/2013 13:19

Woop! Lubes is BACK :o

newbies, daters, those taking a break, online dating real life dating or otherwise, and the loved up.... all welcome!

Off we go -chit chat away.

(I might even dip a toe back in myself)

OP posts:
JulietteMontague · 10/06/2013 20:33

Martini that is rather entitled of him. I would either let the babysitter go and if he does get in touch tel him you can´t now make it and why or go out elsewhere. It doesnt matter what he is dealing with, he should have the curtesy to let you know. It sounds like he thinks his time is more important than yours.

Snapego Nameless! Grin

Kin take care of yourself Lovely, you don't need anymore crap in your life and a foetal position won't do your back any good.

Banana I also don't want to be a wet blanket here but I would refer you to Bullshit Rule. Of course, he could turn out to be the most genuine, loving man but I think there may be a red flag fluttering in the breeze.

Scazy good to see you back

Velvet good to be direct with C, he now either ups his game or you can move forward.

OWW best to be straight with him, you know it's the only way to go. Also stops you dreading texts/calls etc.

I am now installed in a tiny compact but well appointed Caravan 3ft from the canal. Canal is lovely, Dutch has thoughtfully done everything to make me comfortable but I really don't know how I'm going to do this until Friday. Maybe Thursday, it depends how far they get with the boat overhaul Hmm

mercury7 · 10/06/2013 20:36

Sorry OWW, didnt mean to sound so critical, my main reason for letting someone know asap is concern that they might get 'funny' with me if I treat them badly/leave them hanging, so really it comes down to fear of consequences for me too.

I just try and say something really tactful, some version of 'it's not you it's me' I know I might seem caustic on here but I'd never risk getting into a confrontation with a man I dont know very well

Pomegranatenoir · 10/06/2013 20:36

martini you okay? Sorry to hear that your date is off. I have been there and it feels awful. Might be a good idea to hold back a bit and make him work for a date now. I have learnt this the hard way! All i can say is he will make it clear if he wants the same thing as you. ((( Hugs )))

JulietteMontague · 10/06/2013 20:37

crossed posts with just about everyone there Blush

OhWesternWind · 10/06/2013 20:38

Right, have sent text.

Thank you for the kick up the backside!

Pomegranatenoir · 10/06/2013 20:41

My lovely friend oww sending the text is a bit like peeling off a plaster - best to be done quickly or the dread builds!! Send it and then you will feel much better. You don't want to meet him again and you are in control of your own destiny. You don't owe him anything.

It's horrible the legacy that the horrible exes leave but try to choose not to let it stick too much. You deserve much more than that

Pomegranatenoir · 10/06/2013 20:42

Oops! Sorry oww!

pornstarmartini · 10/06/2013 20:46

It's all a mine field! I think he's genuine but it's all BS until... We will see what happens. Babysitter sent home. I gonna go back to the start of the thread (with a large coffee) and try to work out everyone's story. I may be some time

OhWesternWind · 10/06/2013 20:52

Thank you Pom for your kind words! Do you know at one point I would have seen him again just so I didn't have to finish it . . . Crazy. At least I am better than that now. Next time I will not faff around but will just do it. The sticking plaster analogy is exactly right.

I just said it's been fun and I've enjoyed spending time with him but I don't think we have enough in common for it to go any further.

I have hidden my phone in another room as I don't want to see what he replies, if he does.

Mercury no need to apologise, what you said was spot on. I get very fed up with myself for this sort of thing and a reminder that it's not good behaviour was very apt.

Martini hope you're okay. What a let down for you, think that is one of the pitfalls of dating a policeman.

Juliette I'm sure there are compensations!

pornstarmartini · 10/06/2013 20:54

Thanks oww I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt this time dues to his profession. His reply sounds plausible.

Sorry I can't offer you any advice as I don't know any of the background

Kirstywirsty · 10/06/2013 20:54

Sorry tonight didn't work out martini I do know some cops whose shifts run over due to incidents so I wouldn't worry too much

velvet how are you doing pet? Hanging in there? Any word?

TheTitleSaysItAllReally · 10/06/2013 21:01

Hello all! I posted a few weeks ago. I joined match about three weeks ago and have had a few brief chats with various losers men. Last Monday I started talking to someone who simply made me laugh (a lot). I sent him a pic and he didn't run for the hills! (I have a stalker so have to be super careful online)

Anyway, we've been getting on really well all week and yesterday we met for drinks. He's very lovely Smile

Due to my past I'm really on the alert for any red flags but there were none yesterday. He was a perfect gentleman (except for when I didn't want him to be Grin Blush ) and has been lovely today via text.

I really liked him. Looking forward to seeing him again!

pornstarmartini · 10/06/2013 21:06

Ohh thetitle when you meeting again?

OhWesternWind · 10/06/2013 21:07

He has replied and said "I take it that is a Dear John letter" so I said sorry, yes.

Martini I wouldn't worry about knowing about the background, there's far too much to catch up on. We used to do a summary at one point at the start of the threads so newcomers would have a bit of background, so here's mine. Early forties, two children, seventeen years in crappy abusive relationship. Dated for a couple of months last year then had seven month relationship with LM who wasn't good for me for lots of reasons, split up in March and back on the old dating horse. Generally optimistic but that is wearing a bit thin at the moment. I was sure I'd have found someone by now . . .

Got a date tomorrow evening for drinks - he's said would I like food as well but I'm going to say no. Another older bloke (this is this month's theme!). As always, we shall see . . .

OhWesternWind · 10/06/2013 21:09

Title that is lovely. When are you seeing him again?

TheTitleSaysItAllReally · 10/06/2013 21:17

No firm plans yet, but I'm hoping soon! Grin

ALittleStranger · 10/06/2013 21:25

OWW well done for sending the text. I also sometimes have to battle the urge to just curl up and ignore especially if you cannot believe they thought they had a chance, but I agree with Bant's general karma fears.

squashedbanana I have to agree with Snape. Either he thinks this is what he ought to be saying to get into your pants or he's a bit odd. Either way, I think you need to reinforce some standards of normality when you meet on Thursday. Do you have a threshold for what would make you cancel?

Martini that's crap. Hopefully he rearranges but you're right to leave it in his hands.

Title that sounds lovely. This may not be a rule, but from talking to friends in RL who have done OD it is helpful to make firm plans when you can. Things tend to fizzle out if left loose, when someone is a complete stranger and you need to go out of your way to see each other.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally · 10/06/2013 21:30

Stranger thank you for the advice. I had already thought that I needed to be a bit specific - he's childless and I'm, well, not! So I realise that I have to spell out to him when I'm free. I hadn't quite thought of it in terms of od though.

I can't stop thinking about him... the children will be turning feral from neglect!

And before anyone worries, I've not picked out a dress and baby names or anything. I'm just enjoying the feelings he gives me and the fun. If anything other than fun comes of it that would be great, but I'm pinning my hopes on nothing...

Hrrrm · 10/06/2013 21:35

Delurking to cross fingers for Velvet...

And also have a question: I've been exchanging messages with a guy and we've agreed to meet up next Tuesday. (He suggested earlier, but I can't.) Sent him my mobile number, he replied straightaway with his and said 'see you soon'. So... what do we do until we actually meet next week?! Surely it would be weird to have radio silence after messaging every day until now? What's the etiquette re: mobile? He said 'in case you need it, so does that mean it's only in case I'm late or whatever? Would it be an invasion to text him?

Pomegranatenoir · 10/06/2013 21:36

Yay for title! Sounds good

mercury7 · 10/06/2013 21:36

especially if you cannot believe they thought they had a chance
yes indeed!
but then the fact that such a person actually thought I might be interested would tend to flag him up as a potential nutter who might get funny.
So I'm always keen to finish things politely but quickly and unambiguously

OhWesternWind · 10/06/2013 21:45

Well I thought I had done it unambiguously (I know I did!) but he is still texting, just told me he's spent a load of money on something for me (which I don't believe but it makes it awkward). Is it ok not to reply now?

ALittleStranger · 10/06/2013 21:45

Hrrm I tend to go for radio silence, but I think I'm more standoffish than most, and put a big premium on not over-hyping things before a meet.

ALittleStranger · 10/06/2013 21:46

OWW I would say yes ignore, he's just being manipulative now.

Pomegranatenoir · 10/06/2013 21:52

oww your senses were working. He sounds odd. I make far t op many allowances for people but hen in doubt about someone I have started to ask myself if I would do/say/text that. If the answer is no then I give them a wide berth!!