Why am I so vile? I'm ruining my life. (Long, sorry).

[hatemyselfmostofthetime]

I met my DP very soon after his ex walked out on him, taking their DD with her. In hindsight we shouldn't have started a relationship until he was in a better place. But we really liked each other and wanted to be together so we just took things really, really slowly.

They've always shared 50:50 custody of his DD but in the early days he was absolutely devastated by the break up of his family.

I knew I was in love with him from about six months in. It took him a lot longer to fall in love with me. I'd say it was the best part of two years before I felt like he was wholly present in our relationship. Up until then he'd always kept me slightly at arm's length. I found this very painful at the time. But he was never cruel or unkind. Just...distant. Because I loved him so much I stuck around.

Last year I got pregnant very unexpectedly. We weren't living together then and it was a real test of our relationship. He was happy to do the right thing - we planned to move in together and we were going to make a real go of things. Then I had a miscarriage.

The night I miscarried DP was staying with DSD on the other side of the city at his mum's house. And irritatingly he hadn't taken his car with him. It was a Saturday night and I went to A&E at around 10.30pm. I called him while I was waiting to be seen by a doctor and asked him to come and meet me at the hospital. He said he couldn't because he didn't have his car, DSD was asleep and he'd have to leave her with his mum (and the problem was...?), he'd have to get a taxi all the way across the city, etc, etc. So I said leave it then and I'd call him once I'd seen the doc.

Then it all kicked off. I was seen by the doctor but it was too late. She removed the 'products' there and then. My baby was in a biological waste bin and I was devastated. I found the whole thing really traumatic. Just awful. Awful.

I called a friend and luckily she was able to come and be with me and take me home. I called and called and called DP to let him know what happened but there was no answer. By this time it was gone midnight. He rang the next morning and I was an incoherent mess on the phone. I wanted him to come and get me right away but he said he couldn't because he was having lunch that day with his dad (long story but he only sees his dad about three times a year). So I had to wait until he'd had lunch before he came and picked me up with DSD in tow.

I feel so let down by him. I really struggled to forgive him for a long time. He maintained, and still maintains that he had no choice. Couldn't have left DSD with his mum, it was important to see his dad, etc. He also said that back then he still wasn't sure if he loved me or wanted to be with me long term. So, I dunno, he didn't want to put himself out?? Not sure why he needed to tell me that. He says it's better to be 'honest'.

Anyway, we managed to move on. Nearly three years later we're living together and I'm pregnant again, planned this time. But despite the fact that I've now got everything I wanted I can't stop myself being really vile. I suddenly feel very, very angry about his behaviour during the miscarriage. And I find myself saying really horrible things to him about how he was stupid to have a child with his ex because she's selfish and shallow and a shit mum. What was he thinking ever being with her? He's already got a family so my baby won't be as special to him. Etc... Just really nasty, insane stuff.

I feel miserable and I hate myself for being this way but I don't know what will make it better. I just feel like I will never, ever be a priority. Even when I was losing our baby and going through one of the worst experiences of my life, when I needed him the most, he put other people before me.

I've gone from having a really great relationship with DSD to not really being able to be around her. And I think that part of it is to do with the fact that he didn't want to leave her with his mum to come and be with me when I was in hospital. Maybe that's terrible. But I resent her a bit for that. In my messed up mind she was the reason I was on that table, bleeding and crying, on my own.

All this came out in a big row with DP the other night and things have been strained ever since. I feel awful because I know I said some unforgivable things. But I think he acted unforgivably too. I don't know what to do now. I feel like we could've been so happy but I've ruined it all because I can't let go of what happened and now it's colouring everything.

If you've made it this far then thank you. I'd really appreciate some perspective on this. So I can disentangle my own shitty behaviour from righteous anger at the way he behaved.

I agree Moomin.

He might not actually be sorry that he didn't leave his child(maybe he didn't want to leave her with his mum).

However he should feel sorry for your upset at being left alone in hospital on your own, having to be picked up by a friend and then waiting to be picked up whilst he had his lunch.

You may be right, Badvoc.

That's why I think counseling is not a bad idea.

I am sorry, I don't see what he did terribly wrong. You were BF and GF, you got accidentally pregnant and your BF agreed to do the right thing, despite not really being "in love" with you. Then you suffer an early miscarriage and expect him to drop everything to be with you. He has a daughter of his own who is clearly going to be his first priority and you can get RL support from a good friend. He then comes and picks you up and looks after you. I think he acted decently if not overwhelmingly or how you would have liked him to react.

You then go on and live with him (your choice) and get pregnant by him (your choice) and now you resent his actions many years ago and are taking it out not only on him but on your poor step daughter. Your title thread says that you are acting vilely but your posts seem to suggest that he is and that you deserve an apology for what he did earlier. What you are doing is completely unfair, especially to the innocent child caught in the middle.

Clearly your miscarriage affected you and continues to do so. Maybe you need some therapy to work through this but you cannot blame your current partner for not, in a prior time when your relationship was completely different, fulfilling the role of a loyal lifetime partner. You either need to forgive him or tell him honestly that you can't and find a way to split up and co-parent.

Larry. Are you serious?

You really think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to drop everything when you're in the hospital losing your baby? FFS

His daughter was asleep and would not have come to any harm, the OP on the other hand was physically and mentally suffering. Most people would see that as no contest as to where he should be.

Going out for lunch instead of seeing your girlfriend who has just had a miscarriage is hardly "decent"

The miscarriage didn't happen many years ago, it was last year I think?

Larry, what a load of rubbish.

He got her pregnant, or did you forget that little detail? He should have made an effort to support his partner when she was on hospital.

Any decent man would.

And you sound as if you're posting form the 1950s. It's all the womans fault isn't it, trapping the poor man?

Even if he preferred not to ask his mother to babysit her own granddaughter larry which might plausibly have been difficult for a number of reasons, I don't think a bf of 18 months who sunsequently went incommunicado and carried on with a lunch date with his father whilst his gf suffered a miscarriage could be said to have had his finest hour?

subsequently

What a strange old world some people inhabit when the act of conceiving a child is a unilateral decision to which men have no input. It's like the words 'no' and 'condom' aren't in the dictionary...

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I feel the same towards my partner. We've been together 5/6 years and this baby was planned. We have another kid, 2 years old and he has 4 kids from a previous relationship.
The first 2 years of being together I felt like a second class citizen in our relationship, he was still very much into keeping the family unit with his ex and the kids. I was kept at arms length and it wasn't until I fell pregnant with first son that things changed. He finally grew a backbone and now I do believe that he's moved on and understands that it's his kids and me that comes first, not his ex.
However, since I've fallen pregnant I keep remembering how he treated me those two years. I've found out a lot of stuff from other sources that he's failed to tell me about. It's all small things but still amounts to a lack of trust on my part. Each times he's been confronted he's tried to downplay it. Of course it's nothing like not coming to a miscarriage like in your case but I would still like him to acknowledge that he was in the wrong. I'm fed up with him always avoiding the topic which has finally built up to me not wanting sex with him, and seeing him as a housemate as opposed to a partner.

I don't know how to fix this so don't have any advice but see where you're coming from. And tbh if I suffer from post natal again like I did before then it's not going to get any better after the pregnancy.

You say that you don't understand why your partner feels so strongly about getting time with his daughter, as there have never been any problems with regard to access.

He doesn't understand why you are upset that he wasn't there when you miscarried (also, many men probably can't understand how upsetting a miscarriage (even an early one) can be for a woman).

People have irrational beliefs like these. You husband was scared shitless of losing his daughter. You are scared shitless that you and your child won't come first for your husband.

I think you need to sit down and talk and try to understand what the other one is feeling, even if it's irrational, and try to assure each other. Your husband is not going to lose his daughter. And at the very least he will care for your child just as much.

But you need to talk. Counselling might help.