Why am I so vile? I'm ruining my life. (Long, sorry).

[hatemyselfmostofthetime]

I met my DP very soon after his ex walked out on him, taking their DD with her. In hindsight we shouldn't have started a relationship until he was in a better place. But we really liked each other and wanted to be together so we just took things really, really slowly.

They've always shared 50:50 custody of his DD but in the early days he was absolutely devastated by the break up of his family.

I knew I was in love with him from about six months in. It took him a lot longer to fall in love with me. I'd say it was the best part of two years before I felt like he was wholly present in our relationship. Up until then he'd always kept me slightly at arm's length. I found this very painful at the time. But he was never cruel or unkind. Just...distant. Because I loved him so much I stuck around.

Last year I got pregnant very unexpectedly. We weren't living together then and it was a real test of our relationship. He was happy to do the right thing - we planned to move in together and we were going to make a real go of things. Then I had a miscarriage.

The night I miscarried DP was staying with DSD on the other side of the city at his mum's house. And irritatingly he hadn't taken his car with him. It was a Saturday night and I went to A&E at around 10.30pm. I called him while I was waiting to be seen by a doctor and asked him to come and meet me at the hospital. He said he couldn't because he didn't have his car, DSD was asleep and he'd have to leave her with his mum (and the problem was...?), he'd have to get a taxi all the way across the city, etc, etc. So I said leave it then and I'd call him once I'd seen the doc.

Then it all kicked off. I was seen by the doctor but it was too late. She removed the 'products' there and then. My baby was in a biological waste bin and I was devastated. I found the whole thing really traumatic. Just awful. Awful.

I called a friend and luckily she was able to come and be with me and take me home. I called and called and called DP to let him know what happened but there was no answer. By this time it was gone midnight. He rang the next morning and I was an incoherent mess on the phone. I wanted him to come and get me right away but he said he couldn't because he was having lunch that day with his dad (long story but he only sees his dad about three times a year). So I had to wait until he'd had lunch before he came and picked me up with DSD in tow.

I feel so let down by him. I really struggled to forgive him for a long time. He maintained, and still maintains that he had no choice. Couldn't have left DSD with his mum, it was important to see his dad, etc. He also said that back then he still wasn't sure if he loved me or wanted to be with me long term. So, I dunno, he didn't want to put himself out?? Not sure why he needed to tell me that. He says it's better to be 'honest'.

Anyway, we managed to move on. Nearly three years later we're living together and I'm pregnant again, planned this time. But despite the fact that I've now got everything I wanted I can't stop myself being really vile. I suddenly feel very, very angry about his behaviour during the miscarriage. And I find myself saying really horrible things to him about how he was stupid to have a child with his ex because she's selfish and shallow and a shit mum. What was he thinking ever being with her? He's already got a family so my baby won't be as special to him. Etc... Just really nasty, insane stuff.

I feel miserable and I hate myself for being this way but I don't know what will make it better. I just feel like I will never, ever be a priority. Even when I was losing our baby and going through one of the worst experiences of my life, when I needed him the most, he put other people before me.

I've gone from having a really great relationship with DSD to not really being able to be around her. And I think that part of it is to do with the fact that he didn't want to leave her with his mum to come and be with me when I was in hospital. Maybe that's terrible. But I resent her a bit for that. In my messed up mind she was the reason I was on that table, bleeding and crying, on my own.

All this came out in a big row with DP the other night and things have been strained ever since. I feel awful because I know I said some unforgivable things. But I think he acted unforgivably too. I don't know what to do now. I feel like we could've been so happy but I've ruined it all because I can't let go of what happened and now it's colouring everything.

If you've made it this far then thank you. I'd really appreciate some perspective on this. So I can disentangle my own shitty behaviour from righteous anger at the way he behaved.

Sorry but he sounds so bloody selfish. I would be beyond angry still. Though tbh I wouldn't have stayed.

You're not vile at all. I don't think you'll ever get closure over this as he's not going to grovel and really try to make it up to you. He doesn't get it does he?

Djuicy you are probably onto something there.

But that is so very depressing. Where on earth does that leave me?

Agree with madBusLady

The problem is all his. He will not take full responsibility for the unforgivable way he treated you when you lost your baby. And I can understand, 100% why you need him to take this on his shoulders, without any ifs and buts. I don't know how you can move forward without this from him.

Also, does he give you any credit for helping him with his grief, for two years, when his wife left him? Has he ever acknowledged or thanked you for doing that?

Juniper maybe I shouldn't have stayed. I was so emotionally fragile after the miscarriage I just didn't have the strength for a break up as well. I think it would've sent me under.

I think yes you are on the way to breaking up the relationship. You know already that he puts his child first and you also have agreed he should do this BUT if you continue to pick at every single thing and dont lose this anger you have of the past then the same thing will happen again and it will be your child who is living separately from their father. Plus who wants to subject a child to that lifestyle. You are mature enough and intelligent enough to see that your behaviour is ruining your relationship. My husband often says to me 'men dont over think things like women.' And its true they just say their bit and move on whilst we women flap around with our emotions for years! Ive been there myself, angry and looking back at past behaviours. You will never forget them but you need to focus on the future and soon you will have your new addition. That in itself will change your life forever! good luck. Take a deep breath, leave the room, leave the house, count to ten, do SOMETHING before you start any ranting or otherwise that you say you deeply regret afterwards. Go to counselling to learn how to control your emotions as best you can and see if your hubby will go with you. Good luck again, lifes too short!!

Hi Op, have you ever taken a look at the step parenting threads? There are a quite a few pregnant step mums on there trying to cope with hormones and disney dads, including myself. When I first became a mother I took a poster's advice and got myself a copy of a book called 'Stepmonster'. It explains all about the guilt father's have for not being with their children more, and how this affects their subsequent relationships and their relationships with their children. This guilt is often there even when the father's are not the cause of the family breakdown.

This book certainly helped me tackle some of the issues with my DH and he is starting to mend his ways for the better interests of everyone (child and adult) involved.

BTW in the early months of this pregnancy I didn't want my DSS or my DD anywhere near me. The smell of my little girl's hair used to make me feel ill, and I really couldn't stand to hold her after she had a bath. Oh I was so upset at myself for rejecting both of them. It passed, and now I am so blooming clingy and emotional about both of them. Got to love those pregnancy hormones.

Best wishes xx

Excusetypos no. He's never acknowledged that.

All he says is that I should understand how awful it was for him at the time and shouldn't have expected anything more from him given the circumstances. Oh the irony.

He says that he never led me on or made any false promises. He was always honest with me. I knew what I was signing up for, etc.

Gosh, what a mess. So you've gone on to get pregnant a second time by someone who clearly didn't give a shit about you or his own miscarried baby in the past.

The only way I could ever excuse DH for not being there for me in that situation would be if he'd been in an accident or someone was dying. There was no reason at all for him not being with you that night. He couldn't be arsed. Whatever claptrap he's spouted about not having been in the right place, blah, blah, if he'd had any amount of respect for you, let alone felt love, he'd have moved heaven and earth to be by your side as you went though the horrendous experience that was the miscarriage of his baby.

You are where you are now - but you need to decide whether to move on from your feelings of hurt and disappointment or whether to make a clean break. As others have said, for good reason, you are obviously not over how you have been treated in the past, and this is emerging in the form of what you describe as your own vile behaviour.

There was a thread on here earlier about the brother of a poster whose SIL had taken a dislike to the brother's first DD. The couple ended up splitting as her step mum was effectively emotionally abusing the little girl.
Whatever you and your partner decide, you should not hold anything against his daughter, a CHILD who had no control over her father's appalling behaviour.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do but don't let an innocent child be hurt because of the sins of her father.

I know it's so very hard to walk away. I've stuck with relationships before out of the fear of being alone. I've had 2 MCs too not good. I did cope better than exdh though he was in a state. First MC was to an exbf and tbh I wasn't ready to be a mother. Still traumatic though. He didn't give a shit, told his friends I'd had an abortion. My friends put them right though and he got it in the neck. Was so funny a few years later when he tried to come onto me and I told him to fuck off. His face was a picture

Sorry I digress.....He really isn't taking this seriously though is he? Can you get away for a couple of weeks, say you need to think? Might make him realise how much you do really mean to him?

Thanks Stepmooster, I'll check that book out.

Can you acknowledge that your lack of engagement and jealousy towards DSD are displaced anger? That the person you're actually righteously angry with is him?

I think the children in this story - his DSD, your lost child and your unborn child - have become the vehicles for this relationship struggle and if you're going to put this behind you and create a blended family, that needs to be acknowledged.

But he's as much a part of that as you. He diverted the blame on to his daughter when the truth was he didn't want to face hospital/stop what he was doing/offer you support and the poor girl has then experienced jealousy and incorrectly targeted blame from you too for that.

Do you feel this especially because she's a girl I wonder? Would you have felt differently if he'd put a son first? It would be helpful to look at that honestly, because although I think he behaved atrociously, I'm picking up something in your posts about needing to compete with other women for his affections...his ex-wife, his daughter.

As an aside, my Dsis had something very similar happen to her regarding a miscarriage. Her H wasn't with her, despite her phoning him. He was too busy at work. She was very poorly for a couple of days.

It has taken her years and some counselling to forgive him. And the thing that did it, was him acknowledging that he was a complete cunt idiot and that he had no excuse. He also promised her he would never do anything like that again. She has chosen to believe him, and so far so good.

Wibblypig I almost thought this was the DSIL but realised that baby was born. So they split up then?

X posted

It just gets worse doesn't it. He needs you to understand how awful it was for him, yet he can't say "thank you so much, I couldn't have done it without you"

He's a very selfish man. He doesn't deserve you at all.

Wibbly this baby was planned. Things were really good between us, we were really happy and in love and were over the moon at getting pregnant.

But it's like my hormones have opened these floodgates of anger and I've gone from cloud nine to feeling scared and livid most of the time.

I didn't realise I still felt like this IYSWIM? If I did, I wouldn't have gone on to have a baby with him.

Juniper I do feel like I want to get away for a bit. I know it's pathetic but I just want him to show me that I mean something to him. I want a grand gesture.

OP, if I could've got knocked-up by the man I was talking about in my last post, I would have done. I adored him; worshipped him; treated him like a fragile flower whilst his head was so far up his arse in anguish after his wife left that the relationship was entirely a one-way street. He told me six months into the relationship that he had had a vasectomy By then I was in way too deep so put aside all maternal urges and actually resolved to live a childless life with this man!

OP, only you know whether today - right now - you feel adored and respected and desired like never before by this man. Do you? If so..put the miscarriage behind you; he was fucked-up back then, we know that much. His love for you now is what matters and whether he has had a complete and total turnaround in his love and commitment to you.

P.s..believe me, when your baby comes, you will have a whole set of power cards in your hands. Don't forget, he is going to fall in love with this baby of his and you may just find the dynamic of your relationship changes dramatically...in your favour. Good luck and never, ever, ever allow yourself to be second best again.

P.ps..enjoy your baby and remember your blessings x

Op, you are not vile at all. You are vulnerable, upset and angry which is completely understandable after what you have been through. I'm so sorry for your mc.

I really think couples couselling (and individual) would help here to get over what happened and try and move on - I assume this is what you would like to do?

Maybe if your dp heard your feelings about everything with a neutral party there would help. I am going through this with my dp due to me harbouring resentments too.

Please see your Gp and tell then you are feeling down and would like to be referred for counselling

Yes, the OP came back and updated the thread and said they had split. I honestly don't think you've got that far and you have acknowledged your feelings and know they need to change, which is a great start. In your heart of hearts, you know it's your partner you're angry with, not his DD.

Do you think your relationship can be rebuilt?

It's not pathetic at all. You can't trust him to be there when you need him. Having a baby leaves you very vulnerable for a while. It's such a huge thing, you need to be surrounded with people you can rely on.

You need him to prove that you can rely on him.

And I can appreciate feelings that you thought had passed or weren't there resurfacing during pregnancy - so you need to make the best of where you are now, either rebuilding and moving forward or a fresh start.

I still love him. I don't want to split up.

But I need him to apologise unconditionally. No caveats. Nothing. I need to believe that he really gets how shit he made me feel and how bad his behaviour was.

I'm probably one of the LTB crowd people complain about sometimes, but in this case I think don't make any decisions right now while you're very hormonal. Getting away for a week or so sounds like a great idea, if you've got friends/family you could stay with? Address the problem urgently through couples' counselling, he must be prepared to make at least this effort - and be open-minded about what happens (though I'm pretty sure your own relationship pattern would come out in the wash for one thing.)

I'm sorry to bring this up, it's an upsetting topic and perhaps especially for you, but how pregnant are you, and would you continue with the pregnancy if you did split up (assuming you have any option)? Not meaning you should answer these questions on here necessarily, but they may need thinking about.

All this talk about grand gestures and 'power cards' in relation to children and the competition surrounding the love for them make me feel uncomfortable to be honest. This is an adult power struggle where children are being used as pawns in the fight. That's not a healthy way to parent children.

So what will you do if he doesn't apologise unreservedly?

OP, could you just clarify the time scales here?

How long have you and your DP been together?
How long into the relationship did you have the miscarriage?
How long has it been between miscarriage, and current pregnancy, and when did he decide he loved you?

Just trying to get a handle on this - has it all happened quite quickly?