I met my DP very soon after his ex walked out on him, taking their DD with her. In hindsight we shouldn't have started a relationship until he was in a better place. But we really liked each other and wanted to be together so we just took things really, really slowly.
They've always shared 50:50 custody of his DD but in the early days he was absolutely devastated by the break up of his family.
I knew I was in love with him from about six months in. It took him a lot longer to fall in love with me. I'd say it was the best part of two years before I felt like he was wholly present in our relationship. Up until then he'd always kept me slightly at arm's length. I found this very painful at the time. But he was never cruel or unkind. Just...distant. Because I loved him so much I stuck around.
Last year I got pregnant very unexpectedly. We weren't living together then and it was a real test of our relationship. He was happy to do the right thing - we planned to move in together and we were going to make a real go of things. Then I had a miscarriage.
The night I miscarried DP was staying with DSD on the other side of the city at his mum's house. And irritatingly he hadn't taken his car with him. It was a Saturday night and I went to A&E at around 10.30pm. I called him while I was waiting to be seen by a doctor and asked him to come and meet me at the hospital. He said he couldn't because he didn't have his car, DSD was asleep and he'd have to leave her with his mum (and the problem was...?), he'd have to get a taxi all the way across the city, etc, etc. So I said leave it then and I'd call him once I'd seen the doc.
Then it all kicked off. I was seen by the doctor but it was too late. She removed the 'products' there and then. My baby was in a biological waste bin and I was devastated. I found the whole thing really traumatic. Just awful. Awful.
I called a friend and luckily she was able to come and be with me and take me home. I called and called and called DP to let him know what happened but there was no answer. By this time it was gone midnight. He rang the next morning and I was an incoherent mess on the phone. I wanted him to come and get me right away but he said he couldn't because he was having lunch that day with his dad (long story but he only sees his dad about three times a year). So I had to wait until he'd had lunch before he came and picked me up with DSD in tow.
I feel so let down by him. I really struggled to forgive him for a long time. He maintained, and still maintains that he had no choice. Couldn't have left DSD with his mum, it was important to see his dad, etc. He also said that back then he still wasn't sure if he loved me or wanted to be with me long term. So, I dunno, he didn't want to put himself out?? Not sure why he needed to tell me that. He says it's better to be 'honest'.
Anyway, we managed to move on. Nearly three years later we're living together and I'm pregnant again, planned this time. But despite the fact that I've now got everything I wanted I can't stop myself being really vile. I suddenly feel very, very angry about his behaviour during the miscarriage. And I find myself saying really horrible things to him about how he was stupid to have a child with his ex because she's selfish and shallow and a shit mum. What was he thinking ever being with her? He's already got a family so my baby won't be as special to him. Etc... Just really nasty, insane stuff.
I feel miserable and I hate myself for being this way but I don't know what will make it better. I just feel like I will never, ever be a priority. Even when I was losing our baby and going through one of the worst experiences of my life, when I needed him the most, he put other people before me.
I've gone from having a really great relationship with DSD to not really being able to be around her. And I think that part of it is to do with the fact that he didn't want to leave her with his mum to come and be with me when I was in hospital. Maybe that's terrible. But I resent her a bit for that. In my messed up mind she was the reason I was on that table, bleeding and crying, on my own.
All this came out in a big row with DP the other night and things have been strained ever since. I feel awful because I know I said some unforgivable things. But I think he acted unforgivably too. I don't know what to do now. I feel like we could've been so happy but I've ruined it all because I can't let go of what happened and now it's colouring everything.
If you've made it this far then thank you. I'd really appreciate some perspective on this. So I can disentangle my own shitty behaviour from righteous anger at the way he behaved.