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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've got to end this relationship

66 replies

mrslincoln · 29/05/2013 05:27

last night my fiancee, (lived together for 3 years , together 4.5 yrs) grabbed my 13 yo DS round the throat and swore in his face. i have told him that he will be moving out (he will go back to the box room at his parents until he finds somewhere) i cant believe this has happened and i am so angry and dissapointed in him. he just totally flipped out.

my son was sitting at the computer at 10:15 and i told him it was time to go upstairs and he started trying to argue and backchat me. i was handling the situation just fine and did not need any kind of help when my fiancee burst in swearing 'you will do what you're fucking told you little twat' and then grabbed him by the throat (son was still sitting on computer chair) i yelled at him to 'take your hand off my son' which he did, my son then stood up and they both pushed each other whilst i tried to separate them, then my son got past and went upstairs, shouting that DF does nothing for the house and is useless. I went up after DS and made sure he was alright. when i came down DF was still fuming, he apologised to me, but said he would not apologise to DS as he was a spoilt brat.he said he was only trying to turn DS's head so he would look at him.

i told him he would be leaving first thing in the morning.he tells me i am over reacting and he didn't leave a mark on him or grab him tightly. DF has been crying a lot and i feel, trying to manipulate me. please can i have your opinions as i am getting so confused. i have bipolar and i know i do overreact but in this case, i think i am right. i dont want the relationship to end but fail to see how it can continue now. i cant put my kids at this risk of him losing his temper again.i have been trying to phone womens aid's helpline all night but there is no answer. i even phoned the samaritans but they were really just interested in if i felt suicidal (i dont) i was just desperate to talk to someone about all this. Ds seems ok, i kept checking on him til he fell asleep and he has no marks (yet)to be honest he seemed rather nonplussed, not that that changes anything. I just cant believe this has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrslincoln · 30/05/2013 14:28

well i spoke to the police and they said that my son has to do the reporting as he is the victim, so DS is considering it. a referall to social services was made so i had to see them today. they are satisfied that i am keeping the kids safe but will do a full assesment in about 10 days or so. I am going to court tomorrow to get an occupation order to get his name taken off the tenancy agreement so its all getting sorted out. his stuff is still here. i am going to put it all in the garage and he can collect it from the garage so he doesn't need to come into the house and i dont need to be here when he comes.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2013 14:40

Wow - well done for getting all those things sorted out.
You seem to be thinking very clearly which is great.
You will go through a lot of emotions soon though, so be prepared. Keep posting for support. There are some great women on here who can help you with any advice or hand holding you may need.

lookingfoxy · 30/05/2013 14:43

You have done absolutely the right thing. I was a full time step parent for 6 years from age 11 to 17. NEVER once did I come close to anything like this with my stepson, this sounds like normal teenage behavior from your son whilst might be annoying is part of life with kids this age.
What on earth would your ex be like when your son starts wanting to try alcohol and girlfriends, you should give yourself a pat on the back.

itreallyhappened · 30/05/2013 14:49

You're a fantastic mother. Well done

BoreOfWhabylon · 30/05/2013 14:55

You are indeed a fantastic mother. Never doubt it for a second.

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 15:05

mrslincoln you have kicked ass!

PeppermintPasty · 30/05/2013 15:07

Well, my god. My heart swelled at your actions. Never doubt yourself. You are marvellous for protecting your son and making it clear to him how important he is to you.

Please come on here if you feel upset or wobbly, it's completely understandable.

I feel some ridiculous type of pride or something. Bonkers I know Smile

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 30/05/2013 15:12

You've done brilliantly and your DSs will never forget the power of their mother's love.
Amazed by your strength and clarity.

BlingLoving · 30/05/2013 15:13

I don't usually post about these kind of isues but I also just want to say how amazing I think you are. You have stopped it cold, before it escalated and before any permanent damage has been done. Well done.

You deserve a massive round of applause and you should feel proud of yourself.

Godo luck. It will be hard sometiems, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

FauxFox · 30/05/2013 15:25

mrslincoln you rock! I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you start to feel alot better with this man out of your life x

Oscalito · 30/05/2013 15:41

wow. you are amazing. lucky children to have a mum like you.

meddie · 30/05/2013 16:13

Fantastic response. So nice to see someone being so decisive and doing the right thing. Your Son will always remember how his mum immediately chose his safety above staying with an angry man. He might not appreciate it at the moment but it matters.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 30/05/2013 16:30

MrsLincoln without wishing to be patronising - I'm proud of you. Truly, well done. You have been strong and decisive and so has your son.

mamaslatts · 30/05/2013 16:38

Also think you have set a brilliant example to your sons. They now know that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated and is not acceptable. their future partners should thank you.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 16:39

Well done, you brilliant woman

rumbelina · 30/05/2013 16:52

This must be absolutely awful for you. Well done for seeing it through.

Original poster
mrslincoln · 30/05/2013 20:24

thank you so much for all your messages of support, means a lot to me. i was starting to doubt myself but now i feel better. have got court in the morning, have chosen a black outfit ( my funeral outfit) my son got really upset earlier but he is ok now. he seemed to think it was his fault! i explained to him that it wasnt his fault at all and that its for the best. things will be ok, i keep telling myself. i went to my GP today and got some diazepam so am feeling better, as my bipolar was kicking off. i have a male friend coming over tomorrow to take away all of exfiancees stuff. i have just announced on fb that the relatio0nship is over.

OP posts:
lollydollydrop · 30/05/2013 20:31

What a strong lady. This is inspirational. I just cried for you MrsLincoln (with pride). Wow.

catfourfeet · 30/05/2013 23:35

Hi "mrs lincoln"
Hope DS can get some sleep, and you can to.
Top marks from mumsnet.
Here if you need me.
B.

Original poster
mrslincoln · 31/05/2013 06:38

thanks B he is asleep now despite being very upset earlier. i am just worried that he is scarred for life now or something. will update on the court action later. i haven't slept again despite wine. i don't think i will until the court thing is done and i feel safe again.

OP posts:
something2say · 31/05/2013 06:51

Hello well done, hard as it is, you have definitely done the right thing in so many ways.

Ending it...
Reporting it...
Letting SS know...
Getting the order...
Getting his stuff out of the house into the garage...
Can you get the locks changed?

What are your plans re contact now? Is he going to harass you do you think? Let us know if so as we can advise there....

But mostly just well done. It is not acceptable at all and would likely have got worse over time.

Re your son, expect some behaviour. Reward with more love and firmer boundaries, and be clear that the results are about your ex's actions. Nothing to do with your son. Consequences.

Huge hug and good luck today. What are you going to do afterwards? A treat of some sort?

Original poster
mrslincoln · 31/05/2013 07:20

thank you something2say, i should be getting his key back via the court today. as it is i have locked the main door from the inside and am using the other door, for which he doesnt have a key to.
what scares me is that my ex is a 2nd dan karate champoin and could do serious harm if he wanted to, and he said after the event that he was 'holding back' very sinister in my opinion.

am going for a coffee afterwards with my shelter support worker, i expect cake will be involved.

i would just like to say that it is because of mumsnet i have done all these things. i have been a member on and off for a while and have posted before about my narc ex (the kids dad). mumsnet showed me what is and what is not acceptable and the biggest turning point was someone recommending the 'living with the dominator' book to me about a year ago. so thank you mumsnet you may just have saved a life or three and that is no exaggeration

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 31/05/2013 08:13

Just caught up with this. Respect to mrs L. Flowers

rumbelina · 31/05/2013 08:50

Good luck today!

jessjessjess · 31/05/2013 11:13

You rock. You absolutely flipping rock. You are a great mum and have been so strong.

I wish my mum had been like you. Sadly she preferred to live in denial.