MIL tearing us apart

[helpMILprobs]

I have namechanged to avoid being identified by this post

DH and I have been together for 8 years. We don't have children yet but are hoping to in the next year or so -although if this issue is not resolved I would not bring children into this mess.

MIL is tearing us apart. DH has been brought up to do as she says to avoid conflict. He cannot tell her to her face that he disagrees with anything she says - even if she is pulling me to pieces he doesn't stand up to her.

MIL hates me and blames me for everything. Originally she said that I took her son from her - but he moved to the other end of the country for work and it was two years later that I moved in with him.

If DH doesn't phone home for a few days then she says it's my fault because I won't let him (which is nonsense) but she doesn't think to pick up the phone and call him. If we don't visit as regularly as she would like again she says it's my fault etc. Recently she accused me of ruining every family occasion I have attended in the past 8 years (she quoted them all - at x occasion I was too quiet so I was rude, at y occcasion I went to bed at 1am which was rude, at z occasion I asked FIL a question about his brother that was rude - I was just trying to show an interest!) I then decided that I have had enough and DH can visit them, speak to them etc but I'll steer clear.

This has been fine for several months but DH now wants me to try and reconcile. I understand that it is difficult for him but I don't feel reconciliation is possible with the way I am treated by MIL. She has said any problems are 100% my fault because I am rude and don't show her any respect but her reasons are that I am too quiet and now she says by not visiting I am being rude and disrespectful. I tried to explain to her on the phone but she shouted me down and wouldn't listen.

DH is now threatening to divorce me because if I don't go and visit his parents then he says I am effectively making him choose and he will not cut his family out. I have no problem with him phoning and visiting - but I feel he is unreasonable to expect me to be treated the way I am and still go back for more grief.

I am hurt that DH seems to value his relationship with his Mother more than he values our relationship and I feel that he doesn't care about my feelings - and that I should put up with it all if I love him.

I would appreciate any advice in how to deal with this situation. Apologies for such a long post.

He won't cut his family out and is angry at you for not doing as he says.

I don't think this will get any better, can you imagine bringing children into this atmosphere, she'd be even worse with a grandchild on the scene!

Seeing as he has threatened divorce,what an arsehole by the way!, I'd agree with him and get away from all of them as fast as you can.

OP I'm sure you will have read enough IL stories on here to know that this is not going to improve unless your DH takes your side.

How can he justify allowing his Mother to be rude to you?

He basically wants you to become an extension of him where his family is concerned and just agree with everything his Mother says. Run for the hills, unless you can get him to counselling.

On a hiding to nothing really aren't you? He threatens you with divorce? If you don't do as he says and apologise and allow her to run your life?

Perhaps you should consider it, as unless he is on your side its a lifetime of misery and resentfulness heading your way.

If he puts her first, before you, he will with any dc. It will get worse. Does he agree with her you are rude?

You don't sound rude to me. Do all his family do as she says?

He doesn't understand that his mother is emotionally abusive to you. He's unlikely to ever understand this. A divorce from this family sounds like vit might not be a bad thing.

He threatens to divorce you over this
That really is very unreasonable and strange.

Is this really the only problem, or are there others?

Don't have children until this is sorted either through divorce or your mil turning into a reasonable person.

I'm afraid your dh will ever stand up for you. You will never win this. I would cut my losses personally and move on to find happiness.

Your dh will never find happiness because no woman worth her salt would put up with what you describe.

It's probably what your mil hopes for - that her ds will forever remain dedicated to her only. Awful. So sorry you're in this position.

DO NOT FALL PREGNANT TO THIS MAN!

Avoiding this witch is a perfectly reasonable compromise on your part and his rather desperate/ ridiculous attempt at bullying (threats of divorce) is unacceptable.

You have no control over the the intrenched learned coping mechanisms adopted by your H with regards to his mother. However, you have a big say on how you wish to respond to people, H included, who disrespect you.

Decision time I'm afraid OP, If you want children, this isn't and may never be the relationship to have them in.

NEVER stand up for you, I meant.

I'm sorry, you need to get out of that relationship. It's not going to work out.

Thank you for your posts.

Lavender the only family she has is her husband and another son. FIL had a stress related illness several years ago which makes communication difficult for him so now he does go along with her. I don't know what he was like before his illness. DBIL keeps himself to himself - I have never heard him disagree with MIL.

The frustrating thing is that the only time DH and I argue is over his Mother. If we got this sorted we would have an almost perfect relationship. People in RL who don't know about this think we are a really well-matched, solid couple.

DH said that he knows I wasn't rude but he says I have blown this into a huge issue that it didn't need to be and now there is no going back.

I have a MIL exactly like this. I cope by engaging with her as little as possible - this is only feasible because we live on another continent, and because my husband supports me in this.

Do not continue to try to explain/justify your previous actions to her. You cannot reason with people like this, and responding to their accusations just lends them credence (in her eyes).

Your H is using the same abusive/emotionally blackmailing behaviour to manage conflict in your relationship as you MIL uses. This is how he has learned to behave in relationships. In the future, this behaviour is likely to spill over into other areas of your marriage that are unrelated to your relationship with your MIL (if it hasn't done so already). You may wake up one day and realise that you are essentially married to your MIL - and I bet that doesn't sound very appealing!

It IS a huge issue.

Your mil assassinates your good character at every opportunity.

That is a massive problem.

Your dh doesn't stand up for you.

Another massive problem.

Your mil knows she can bully you and your Dh will do nothing about it.

Another massive problem.

If you have children together she will most definitely not support you in your parenting decisions and seek to undermine you and control your dcs.

I would flee personally.

Can you try relationship counselling? I feel really bad for you. I had a similar problem with my SIL - H took her side and his family are one of the reasons we're getting divorced.

If you can't get him to go to marriage counselling, could you call his bluff and ask for a trial separation if he insists on prioritising his family over you?

Yes it's hugely frustrating but with your hand on your heart can you see things ever changing?

She might be the only issue in your otherwise sold relationship but she is a massive issue.

Your partner blaming you for this impasse and saying there's no going back is a huge red flag.

He's weak and under her thumb, I doubt he will ever change.

Just to add a different perspective, OP I am almost in your husband's shoes. Both my parents are narcissists and I have been brought up not to question them, not to have any feelings of my own and to make them happy at all costs. They have never been overtly rude to my DP but they are not hugely warm with him either and will never be, just because he's my DP, not because of anything he has done. At times, it certainly has felt like the 'easiest' thing to do was keep my mouth shut and do what they wanted me to do for a 'quiet life'.

However, I am fighting hard against them and am in the process of detaching from them emotionally. I see a psychotherapist weekly and do a lot of discussion on the Relationship boards here. It's the most painful thing I have ever done but I am not prepared for my relationship and my happiness to be sacrified just to satisfy their toxic control-freakery.

Your husband is no doubt suffering because of your MIL's behaviour but he is being extremely unfair and unreasonable with you. I agree with Methren who says that he is demonstrating bullying and control behaviour himself, and is repeating patterns which were started by his mother. For this to change, he needs to seriously step up to the plate and desperately want more than anything to be free of her control and domination over his life. Very sadly, it doesn't sound like that is how he's feeling right now.

Have you spoken to him, told him how she makes you feel? Has he shown any empathy for what you're going through?

I couldnt stay with someone under these sort of circumstances, never mind contemplate having a child with them.

Run for the hills op.
You deserve better

This isn't going to get any better.

I can see why you think the problem is your MIL but she's really not. Yes, she sounds like a nightmare, but the problem is your DH and how he deals with her and you.

You're not stopping him from visiting them or calling and he's threatening to divorce you because you won't go with him??? That's 100% him.

Your H has the same problem as your MIL, they are nothing less than bullies using emotional abuse to get their own way.

1. Run for the hills and be thankful of a lucky escape
2. Be extra thankful you have no children who would also no doubt be controlled by their daddy and granny :(

I'm sorry but if he won't support you in this, and continues to let his mother abuse you In this way, then I don't think you have any choice but to LTB - and I don't say hat very often at all.

There is nothing ideal about a relationship with a man who threatens to divorce you for refusing to be bullied and villified by someone else. Next it will be your fault if you don't agree to be bullied by him.

Please, please, please don't have children with this man - your life will be hell.

Let him leave. Find someone who wants to commit to you and stands up for you and have a happy life. Lots of men have nice mothers, or at least ones that don't run their lives.

He should be on your side. No one is making him choose. But if you did he shouldn't even have to think about it. Leave him and find someone who puts you first.

Thank you for all the posts. I'll talk to DH tonight and hopefully we can sort something out. I think (and hope) him threatening divorce is an empty threat in the heat of the argument.

I'd settle for me to continue to have nothing to do with MIL. If we have children then he can take them to see his parents but not expect or pressure me to go. I don't think that's unreasonable on my part.

Op I'm in a vaguely similar position although we do have children.
It's a ticking time bomb and I know it will eventually destroy us unless he backs me.
On the one hand you don't want to let her win but on the other you can't bring kids into it so you can't live your life on hold.
It's easy for us all to say it but unless he backs you this problem will grow and grow until it destroys your relationship.

Why does your DH need you to go with him to visit them and why does he need you to make him call them? The only way this could be you causing a problem, is that he's hidden from his mother how you feel about her and he's running out of excuses. He's trying to threaten you because he doesn't want to have to face saying to his mum "no, helpMILprobs isn't going to be coming too because she's still upset about when you had a go at her last time and doesn't want to come and see you." He is trying very hard to avoid having to explain to MIL that there might be negative consequences for her actions.

If he's been raised to believe she must be kept happy at all costs, this is going to terrify him because this will involve making her upset and it'll be his fault. No way will anyone in the family accept that it's MILs behaviour that has caused this, it's yours and as you aren't there to take the brunt, his for daring marry a woman who won't tow the line.

I'd say you're best not backing down. If he is threatening divorce he is saying he'd rather lose you than face upsetting his mother, then he doesn't actually love you. Better you know that now before you have DCs than afterwards.

relationship couselling might be worth a try, perhaps having to explain it and hear you describe it to a 3rd party might make him realise what he's saying.