MIL tearing us apart

[helpMILprobs]

I have namechanged to avoid being identified by this post

DH and I have been together for 8 years. We don't have children yet but are hoping to in the next year or so -although if this issue is not resolved I would not bring children into this mess.

MIL is tearing us apart. DH has been brought up to do as she says to avoid conflict. He cannot tell her to her face that he disagrees with anything she says - even if she is pulling me to pieces he doesn't stand up to her.

MIL hates me and blames me for everything. Originally she said that I took her son from her - but he moved to the other end of the country for work and it was two years later that I moved in with him.

If DH doesn't phone home for a few days then she says it's my fault because I won't let him (which is nonsense) but she doesn't think to pick up the phone and call him. If we don't visit as regularly as she would like again she says it's my fault etc. Recently she accused me of ruining every family occasion I have attended in the past 8 years (she quoted them all - at x occasion I was too quiet so I was rude, at y occcasion I went to bed at 1am which was rude, at z occasion I asked FIL a question about his brother that was rude - I was just trying to show an interest!) I then decided that I have had enough and DH can visit them, speak to them etc but I'll steer clear.

This has been fine for several months but DH now wants me to try and reconcile. I understand that it is difficult for him but I don't feel reconciliation is possible with the way I am treated by MIL. She has said any problems are 100% my fault because I am rude and don't show her any respect but her reasons are that I am too quiet and now she says by not visiting I am being rude and disrespectful. I tried to explain to her on the phone but she shouted me down and wouldn't listen.

DH is now threatening to divorce me because if I don't go and visit his parents then he says I am effectively making him choose and he will not cut his family out. I have no problem with him phoning and visiting - but I feel he is unreasonable to expect me to be treated the way I am and still go back for more grief.

I am hurt that DH seems to value his relationship with his Mother more than he values our relationship and I feel that he doesn't care about my feelings - and that I should put up with it all if I love him.

I would appreciate any advice in how to deal with this situation. Apologies for such a long post.

I called him on every instance of EA, it was a horrible period where he just felt I was picking on everything, but I had to make him really see what he was doing. I think we only sorted it without counselling because he was willing to listen and accept what I was saying. Ultimately I would've walked if he hasn't.

You need to divorce this twat and tell mil to fuck off. Seriously, don't let these chumps blight your life any further.

OP, I know it must be difficult to hear these messages BUT I wish I had posted before H & I had dc's and acted on advice.

Your MIL will always been a nightmare, that will be your life. It's only when you have dc's that you start to realise the impact of this. I mourn the fact that I have awful PILs. When you have dc's you really benefit if you have supportive family. Raising dc's when you have a toxic MIL just adds enormously to the stress of being a mum. It's also isolating as it's a difficult subject to discuss in RL and like all abuse those who don't experience it can't relate to it.

All the enjoyable events, like christenings become situations where you dread the fallout. You look at other families with supportive inlaws and feel so envious.

However how your DH is acting is a big red flag. Sure, everything else in your relationship is fine but that's probably because you are not having conflict. That might be due to luck rather than reality.

If this is the first time that you have had a major issue to deal with then your H has bailed, he has not supported you. I really feel that if you allow this to stand (and he doesn't show empathy) then you are in for some painful times ahead. I speak from experience and my H appeared like the most empathic man in the world BUT that was because he was happy to negotiate on issues that had no cost to him. Once we had a situation that involved him standing up for me i.e some personal cost to him, he bailed. It's horrid, you can feel unsafe and utterly alone.

Methren posted
These problems only really came to light after we had children, because it was having children that really tested my DH's ability to compromise, to put others' needs above his own, to be empathetic, to not be the centre of attention. MIL doesn't do any of these things, so he has no model for them

Please hear this - what characteristics does his MIL & FIL display?
Your DH will model his behaviour on these. I wish I had looked at this harder..MIL is outwardly abusive which is easier to spot but FIL is completely self centred and never ever takes responsibility for his behaviour. Not surprising that my H has the very same traits.

If your DH starts to blame you for this situation then that's another major flag..run to a counsellor and get support as it suggests you are in an unhealthy relationship.

OOP this is such a difficult situation. I've been with DH for 10 years and its only this last month or so that we've sought outside help.

My ILs hate me, always have. Its not me per se, it would have been anyone who took away their precious son. I have been angry at my DH for years as I've always felt that he has never stood up for me dispite the onslaught that I've had.

We're now going to Relate and are beginning to realise that the problem is with us and how we communicate with each other. DH is so predisposed to react in a certain way that he couldn't talk to me and I to him. The counselling is really helping and changing how we now interact with his family.

Its early days but its good. If you love him don't give up. The other posters are right, his mum will not change but how you as a couple choose to deal with her might.

Good luck

She will get alot worse if you have children. She will be a nightmare.

If your DH can't back you up even though she is clearly unreasonable he definitely won't when she is making demands on your and your child.

If you can get him onside you might have a fighting chance but at the moment he and she holds all the cards.

Like others have said please don't have children with this man. I have been in this situation and it doesn't get better.

It's awful living with a man who thinks his mother has more say in how your children are brought up than you. Or any other aspect of your life. Even if you don't have any contact with her she'll still get what she wants through your h as he'll become her mouthpiece.

Turn the tables on him and tell him you'll only stay with him if he has counselling. No one should be threatening you with divorce to get their own way.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

DH has apologised for threatening divorce. He says he just doesn't know what else to do. He says that although he can see that his Mother is being unreasonable in the way she treats me he can't bring himself to stand up to her, although he has promised that he will try. The problem is that he has promised me that he will stand up to his Mother several times before but then doesn't and says I don't understand how hard it is and then challenges me on why I want to be so confrontational.

I asked him to see a counsellor and he said that he will phone Relate this morning.

That is good that he has apologised. Are you able to do a quick visit with the In Laws, maybe you could just meet up for a pub lunch or something?
Then you can show you DH how incredibly reasononable you are and he could start the process of trying to prove to you that he will stand up for you?

(I am not actually sure this is a good plan or not... . I think your current plan to avoid them forever is probably the best )

So what would make your DH stand up to his mother? We already know that his wife being bullied won't, to the point where he actually contemplates divorce as an easier alternative.

What if (hypothetically) she was planning to hurt his children, would he stand up to her then? I wouldn't rely on it.

She will certainly interfere with and overrule your parenting decisions, fight you over visiting times and family occasions, slag you off to your children as soon as they can talk, make favourites/scapegoats out of them. All that sounds like a given with this woman.

And he won't do anything about any of that, will he.

x-posts. Good news that he is going to counselling. I can't see how else this is going to end well. Good luck to him, and you.

I have offered to sit down with them (but not in their house as last time I was there I was told I did not have permission to speak and MIL just screamed and shouted at me whilst DH did very little. I told DH I wanted to leave, but DH refused to leave until his DB arrived and they ate a meal - which meant I had to stay there for several hours afterwards and play "happy families!"). They live the other side of the country so it probably wouldn't be for a while.

I need to hear DH stand up to his Mother soon though - I can't live like this forever.

Unless your husband grows a pair and stands up to your MIL, and proves that he is unequivocally on your team, you have a huge problem. do not have children with him until he demonstrates this by sticking up for you over his mother. some men never learn that they are supposed to detach from their mum and be a family first and foremost with their wife. these men are best avoided as they are weak, and when the shit hits the fan, as it does in most marriages at some point, he will run screaming back to mummy. You deserve more, life is long and the least you need to get through is someone who you can depend on to be in your corner.

".... and ask him to specify exactly how property/accounts will be divided up."

Fuck that molly

It isn't for the OP's mummy's boy to decide!

He refused to leave when his mother was screaming and shouting at you. Your H doesn't just sit by does he. He actively allows it. His actions show a lot more than his measly words. That is what he thinks of you.

He has told you he will 'try' before. How many times has he told you this and tried in the last 8 years?

He is not going to change all the time he thinks you will back down, put up and STFU. Why should he? What real consequences have his (or his allowing his mother's) actions caused him?

So he says he'll phone Relate, I hope he does. My advice is do not get pregnant until after you have completed whatever Relate say is necessary and the situation has actually improved. That is either MIL treats you with respect consistently and DH pulls her up everytime she says or does something unreasonable without you having to ask him to. I also wouldn't hang around for years waiting for it to happen.

Xales, he must have told me about 10 times that he will "try" but the best he's ever managed is to say "that's not true Mum." Then his Mum started screaming at him that she hadn't brought him up for him to accuse her of lying and for him to not forget that she gave birth to him and how I'd made him disrespectful and he wouldn't have spoken to her like that before he met me so it's my fault (again!)

She's so domineering that I really don't believe that DH has it in him face her and give as good as he gets - he's too used to backing down and apologising (he's not a wimp - he's quite happy to row with other people but with his Mum it's like he's a scared little boy walking on eggshells)

He's got huge, huge problems then. I'd have a think about how long you would really like to wait before ttc, because it sounds like his issues will take years.

Well you're stuffed then really. As he isn't going to change you have to decide to put up with the situation or leave. You will have a rotten time if you conceive with this man, maybe you could try moving a very long way away how I dealt with my FIL.

Try??

Not a wimp?

Nah, fuck that. This man will never put you first and by extension will not put your children first before his precious mother either.

Get out now before a new generation has their lives blighted by this bully.

To paraphrase Yoda - or maybe that turtle in Kung Fu Panda ? : Do , or do not - there is no 'try' .

Clearly, for your H, his attempt to 'try' is worse than useless. You will get nowhere with this man because he knows he can bully you just like his mother bullies him. Frankly I would leave them all to it.

Unless he agrees to never see them again I don't see how you can stay together. My MIL is similar. The first time she started to mouth off at me DH stood up and we walked out. She never saw him for 5 years.

Gosh, coco. What is she like now, did she get the message?

He is resenting you for "making" him do something he really really can't face and doesn't want to do ie stand up to his mother. Until he does it because he sees it needs doing and he actively wants to, he'll just continue to blame you for it all.

I agree MadbusLady - I'm nearly 30 so I'm not prepared to hang around endlessly. I think I need to give him a very short timeframe (like 1 or 2 weeks?) to tell his Mum that she has behaved appallingly and that he won't tolerate any more abuse.

If he can't do that then he'll never have my back so it'll be decision made.

coco - I wish my DH was a bit more like yours.

OP, I wouldn't despair just yet.

It is worth remembering that your DH has been conditioned his whole life to think that his mother's behaviour is normal and acceptable. He may have an unconscious need to retain that belief - because otherwise he has to admit that his family and his upbringing was not normal or healthy. It will take him time to come to properly acknowledge that his mother's behaviour is dysfunctional. But I think there are some things that you could do that might assist that process.

It may help him to realise that his is not the only mother that behaves like this. There are lots of threads on here about toxic mothers - could you show him some? I know that my DH was shocked (and I think a little bit relieved) to find that my MIL's behaviour followed a pattern that was very similar to that of many other toxic parents - almost as if they are following a script. So he wasn't the only one this was happening to. It may help your cause for your DH to realise that there are (unfortunately) lots of parents out there that behave like this, and lots of people who find the behaviour utterly unacceptable.

I would also recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. My DH has dipped into it and I also found it a useful read (or you could try Toxic In-Laws by the same author for yourself).

Do you think it would help your DH to have some concrete strategies in place to use with his mother? He may feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to even begin to respond differently to her. So for example, he could come up with some stock phrases to use when she starts to kick off. Non-committal phrases work best IME - you've already seen how she can twist a comment like "That's not true" into an accusation. He could try "I think we'll have to agree to disagree about that, Mum" or "I'm not going to argue with you". Basically he needs to practise not engaging with her, because the very act of engaging validates her grievances in her mind and gives her further ammunition.