MIL tearing us apart

[helpMILprobs]

I have namechanged to avoid being identified by this post

DH and I have been together for 8 years. We don't have children yet but are hoping to in the next year or so -although if this issue is not resolved I would not bring children into this mess.

MIL is tearing us apart. DH has been brought up to do as she says to avoid conflict. He cannot tell her to her face that he disagrees with anything she says - even if she is pulling me to pieces he doesn't stand up to her.

MIL hates me and blames me for everything. Originally she said that I took her son from her - but he moved to the other end of the country for work and it was two years later that I moved in with him.

If DH doesn't phone home for a few days then she says it's my fault because I won't let him (which is nonsense) but she doesn't think to pick up the phone and call him. If we don't visit as regularly as she would like again she says it's my fault etc. Recently she accused me of ruining every family occasion I have attended in the past 8 years (she quoted them all - at x occasion I was too quiet so I was rude, at y occcasion I went to bed at 1am which was rude, at z occasion I asked FIL a question about his brother that was rude - I was just trying to show an interest!) I then decided that I have had enough and DH can visit them, speak to them etc but I'll steer clear.

This has been fine for several months but DH now wants me to try and reconcile. I understand that it is difficult for him but I don't feel reconciliation is possible with the way I am treated by MIL. She has said any problems are 100% my fault because I am rude and don't show her any respect but her reasons are that I am too quiet and now she says by not visiting I am being rude and disrespectful. I tried to explain to her on the phone but she shouted me down and wouldn't listen.

DH is now threatening to divorce me because if I don't go and visit his parents then he says I am effectively making him choose and he will not cut his family out. I have no problem with him phoning and visiting - but I feel he is unreasonable to expect me to be treated the way I am and still go back for more grief.

I am hurt that DH seems to value his relationship with his Mother more than he values our relationship and I feel that he doesn't care about my feelings - and that I should put up with it all if I love him.

I would appreciate any advice in how to deal with this situation. Apologies for such a long post.

Your last post sounds a lot like my OH with FIL, it's taken him 14 years of living abroad and a couple of years of therapy during that time to begin to stand up this his father. It doesn't happen quickly, if ever at all, and if we didn't already have DCs I could have walked away. What I can't do is expose my DDs to the ILs without being there to defend them, as in let them go see the grandparents while I stay at home. If I could do it all again I wouldn't stick around.

I think you reeeeally need to think carefully before bringing children in to this relationship. Read what Xales wrote - that could be your life. Until I had DD I had no idea what it would be like to be seperated from my newborn but leaving her even for an hour or two felt like I was missing part of myself.

Post birth I felt so vulnerable and of course family wanted to meet DD in those early first few days. This was fine as I'm lucky and have a nice family. You only have to read a few threads I here to see how damaging it can be if you don't have a good experience or people cross boundaries in those early days - it can cast a shadow for years on relationships. With this relationship already it would be a disaster.

so you were about 22 when you met him? How old is he OP?

She has still been a pain in the arse over the years. DH just has no time for her, we sort of make an effort since having the kids buts its been a bit sporadic.
She is overly nice to be now but I don't take her under my notice to be honest. I'm quite happy to look pig ignorant .
Now the DDs are older they aren't that mad on her either. She comes to the house a couple of Saturdays a month for about an hour. I'm always out. She doesn't get in if DH isn't here.

I think not standing up for you is completely unacceptable, but I think it's also critical to remember that it sounds like your DP had a very emotionally abusive childhood. That doesn't mean it's all fine, but putting a lot of the emphasis on encouraging him to seek help to understand and learn how to stand up to mil might be the most beneficial in the long run. I think a lot of people would find it incredibly hard to stand up to a parent who's that critical and overbearing, (I know I do, and my parent is in no way as bad as his mother). If he refuses to do this and will not make substantially improved efforts to stand up to you then I don't think it's worth staying, and especially not a good idea to bring a child into this. But if he makes a real effort and you can support him through this (providing he does not display the abusive symptoms), then I think it can hopefully slowly work out. Hope this makes sense. you are under no obligation to put up with this situation, but I think with a lot of hard work things can change

Sorry OP but despite his protestations that he will 'try' I don't believe it will ever happen.

His mother and anything she says are entrenched in his mind and subsequently your views are secondary to anything she says or does .

This will never change .

It is actually not your MIL tearing you apart. It is him.

This will never change.

I agree, Sugarandspice - he has had an abusive childhood. I actually feel sorry for him.

In your position, OP i'd get him to write a letter to her, detailing the reasons she is being abusive. Everything, over the years. Every little detail.

Then both of you go NO CONTACT, like the PP, for as long as it takes for her to realise that she is driving him away. Years, if necessary. For ever, maybe. Her behaviour warrants it.

See what he's like with no contact with her, and if it gets better, well, maybe then have dc. But she still doesn't get to see them untill she has changed.

It sounds harsh, but it really is a matter of her or you. Surely it is easier for him to cut her out than you and his (potential) kids?

And as for shouting a screaming at you and denying you 'permission' to speak - I'd have walked out anyway, not waited for him. It sounds like you are enabling too, OP. You should have gone to a pub or a park or something and left him there.

Agree with captainmummy's suggestions. If the relationship is good overall then I think it's worth trying to resolve this. But there has to be a line - if he continues down the threatening to divorce you line, I'm not sure what else you could do. Supporting him is critical but if he completely turns against you then there's nothing more for you in the relationship. Would he be willing to look into therapy? And talk about writing the letter? Though it's likely his mother will never accept she's done any wrong, so no contact might be the inevitable result.

Hi, sorry I've only read the first page so apologies if people have said this already.

Firstly, I soooooo know abit of where you're coming from, my MIL sounds very similar to yours but fortunately my husband can see it too.

I'd just like to give you a heads up on one this you've said (about if you have children you're husband taking them to see PIL alone) whilst this may be possible with older ones its a whole different ball game with a new baby!

Firstly, if you really dislike your MIL your maternal instinct will be to not let her anywhere near your new baby, and certainly not without you present.

Secondly, it might not be possible for your baby to be apart from you for long enough to allow a visit, especially if you're breastfeeding a frequent feeder!!

I know before you have a baby you think 'it can go with my husband to see MIL for a few hours, it'll give me time to shower/sleep etc' but I promise you it'll be the very last thing you want to do, I'm speaking from experience I'm afraid!!

Definitely don't be getting pregnant just now.

Do not have children with him at all unless they are absolutely going to be kept well away from this woman.

Other than that I'm sure you can find resources on the net, probably here, which can help make a start on him realising that his mum is abusive and he's better off without her. 'What are the signs of an abusive relationship' type lists for starters.

If you are going to give him time I think you can probably give more than a couple of weeks. If he goes to counselling he won't be 'cured' of a lifetime of conditioning in two weeks, he probably won't even have got an appointment by then. I'd recommend you spend a little time investigating resources which you think might give him a 'lightbulb' moment and get him to read up on the literature which will advise, disconnect, no contact, remove yourself from this person now now now.

Only you can decide how much time to give him to have how much improvement in his attitude to his mum.

helpMILprobs I don't like my MIL much but have managed to have a civilised relationship over the years, for the sake of dh and dd. But she is better than yours - has never slagged me off to my face or interfered with dd. I think it is difficult to stand up to them because you love your partner and want to get on with his family. You can feel at a disadvantage when you are with them and start accepting their norms, even if they are destructive.

After 20 years, however, I find I will put up with less and will stand up for myself if necessary. My dh always used to side with her, but has latterly seen my point of view a lot more. IME most men will do quite a lot to have a quiet life and if their dm is very dominant it is easier to go along with what she wants. I have every intention of standing up to my MIL in the future if I need to. I believe in picking your battles - letting her know that abusing you is completely unacceptable and being backed up by your partner is an absolutely essential battle. If he won't stand up to her, you can't carry on in the relationship. Everyone who has posted is right - it is the wrong situation to bring a child into, even though eventually, when the child gets older, they can see the faults and nastiness of their granny.

Hope you can resolve this.