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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I deluding myself? (long, sorry)

32 replies

Cambridgechick · 26/05/2013 01:42

i have been living with "trust issues" in our marriage for 10 years, since my middle DS was a baby. Discovered DH had arranged to go out on a date with an old flame when she texted to say she "fancied the pants" off him. He has also signed up to dating websites, set up a secret email account and contacted a work contact on FB to tell her she looked gorgeous. She responded that she was "resisting the temptation" to see him again. He has history of emailing work colleagues flirtatiously. Over past year, he has become increasingly controlling and bullying, often reducing me to tears. At Xmas he announced he was about to get up to 12 points on driving licence and tried to persuade me to take 3 points for him. About 2 months ago I found we were heavily in debt, despite receiving an inheritance from my gran a year ago. He controlled finances and,although I could be more frugal, I believe he has issues with uncontrolled spending (obsessed with expensive watches). 2 weeks ago, having had 9 jobs in 11 years, he announced he had been sacked for obtaining receptionists mobile no. off database and sending personal texts. She also said he hangs around reception commenting on her looks and asking if she will miss him. Company may not give him a reference. To sum up, we are in a financial mess and because he has no job , may lose house. 3DS, aged 11, 9 and 5. We haven't had heating on for months, because I budgeted tightly to try to reduce debt, but now situation is hopeless. I have tried to leave him, but miss and love him. He is distraught and says he wants his family back. My heart is breaking. Can my marriage be saved?

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 26/05/2013 01:47

I have to say yes to your title.
Sorry you need to face reality and he is being abusive, financially, emotionally and he cheats.
You kids don't need that as a role model.

Leverette · 26/05/2013 02:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BookieMonster · 26/05/2013 02:23

His actions have left his family with no heat, no money and, soon, nowhere to live. He regularly pursues sex with other women, to the point that it has cost him hs job.
Yes, you are deluding yourself.

He is a terrible husband and father.
What he wants is irrelevant. His relentless pursuit of what he wants will shortly result in you being homeless and debt ridden.
Please don't give him the chance to ruin the lives of his children any more.

Original poster

Cambridgechick · 26/05/2013 02:27

I know it really, but it's so hard to break away. You are right, Leverette he can be charming and caring and when we met I was a recovering anorexic and had just got out of a physically abusive relationship. His love was like the sun shining on me, but it's been cloudy for a while now...... I have amazingly supportive family and friends, but my heart literally hurts at the moment. I tried to break with him last week, but he is coming back regularly to see the children and begging me to take him back. I will try to find the strength for the kids sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cambridgechick · 26/05/2013 02:30

When I have doubts, I will read your post BookieMonster. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

BookieMonster · 26/05/2013 02:33

Your life can be so much better than this and you deserve it to be.

cupcake78 · 26/05/2013 03:02

He sounds almost identical to one of my (ex) male friends who was and sadly still is a serial cheater (hence the ex). His view on life was if he got found out then never mind at least he had 'options' and had fun along the way (disgusting attitude). He had/has no self control over himself or his money. Also has a strange obsession with expensive watches. He would buy them to impress and use them as a talking point to get where he wanted. He does all of this but behind his wife's back who has questioned him a few times and had the 'if your cheating on me I'm leaving' conversation. He cooled it off for a while if she begins to suspect and does nice things for her, spends time with the family etc until she is happy again. He just says things like why would he risk his beautiful family and she's being silly and they'll do something she wants to make her feel better.

The way he does it, he never sees the same person a few times over. He dips in and out so to speak. He makes it known he's available but that there is no commitment. He's more of an opportunist, if he knows he's going out he'll let it be known where and when he's going and suggest they might like to 'catch up'. It's of course always plutonic (not, never in fact!)

His phone is attached to his side, he deletes all his texts and emails and is very careful to not text anything that couldn't be turned around into something less significant. He clears it out and then lets his wife use it immediately afterwards to put her off the scent. If he gets a suspect FB (a lot of female friends!) post or message he just says he can't control what others put and starts the whole but why would I risk everything crap.

He uses cash and blames his over expenditure on his inability to manage money. He showers when he comes in from a night out. He blames being a little later than normal on stumbling about drunk. He does 'overtime' at work, its sometimes overtime, sometimes not. Then uses it as an excuse to need a day away/night out 'but I work hard'. He doesn't do this all the time because that would be 'taking the piss'.

I could go on forever but basically yes your deluding yourself!

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 26/05/2013 03:51

It sounds like he is a terrible example to your DC, and they would be better off living without him creating instability in their home. He is controlling, he cheats and overspends and disrespects you to the extent that he gets fired for harassing another woman, and you may lose your house? If you think he is worth it then yes it does sound like you are fooling yourself.

Can you look into the Freedom Programme or some counselling? Nobody should feel they need to put up with this sort of treatment from a partner. You do deserve better. You just need to see that.

Buzzardbird · 26/05/2013 05:33

Oh god Op, you could be my friend. Her situation is identical to yours in every detail apart from age of dcs. My friend has 'enabled' his behaviour by choosing to accept every bull shit excuse he comes out with for getting them into serious debt, loosing his jobs and womanizing. She even received an email from one of the women's dh and choose to believe him that even though they had stayed in hotels together that they were just friends and she was a 'bunny boiler'!
This friend of mine is even losing her friends now because he had tried it on with a lot of us and pestered me for months and she still believes him over us.
You are going to lose your friends too if you don't wise up. How many of them has he harassed I wonder?
This man will drag you and your dcs down to nothing...all for his own gratification.
Please LTB.

Original poster

Cambridgechick · 26/05/2013 07:51

I think I have been living this way for so long that I can't remember what a 'normal' relationship is. I know my family will help me if I leave, but not if I stay. Funny, but all the women who message him are just 'crazy' and he never understands why they they have got the idea that he fancies them.......
I am worried that I may lose my friends too, as they will get fed up with me forgiving the unforgivable.
Don't know what the freedom programme is, but I'll look into it. I'm getting some counseling this week.
My brother is particularly worried about my DCs and the effect of DHs behaviour in them.

OP posts:

imaginethat · 26/05/2013 08:10

This is not love, this is a warped excuse for a relationship.

If you stay, it will continue. Guaranteed.

If you go, you have a chance at reclaiming self esteem and making a good life for yourself and the children.

It really is that simple.

Bant · 26/05/2013 08:15

Cambridge - obviously everyone else is right, he's not just damaging you but your DC are going to end up homeless. You have to finish it.

On a practical note, can you sell his watch collection so you can at least afford to pay the bills/mortgage?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/05/2013 08:36

"I am worried that I may lose my friends too, as they will get fed up with me forgiving the unforgivable."

You can't base your decision on what friends may or may not do/think/say any more than you base it on him being 'distraught'. This is a supremely personal decision that you have to take mostly on your own behalf but also on behalf of your children. For the first time in what sounds like years you are standing on the threshold of being in control of your own destiny rather than some miserable compromise. Biggest thing you have to get over is feeling grateful and obliged to him for 'saving you'. That debt is long since paid off. Good luck

MadBusLady · 26/05/2013 09:03

When you go for counselling, ponder over that "His love was like the sun shining on me" thing. You wanted to be rescued by someone who would make everything in your life great, and it suited his enormous ego to be that person (with the added incentive that someone who is pathetically grateful for his love would put up with any old shit from him). The truth is people can't really rescue each other; a relationship should enhance what you've got, not form a way out of your existing life.

onenutshortofasnickers · 26/05/2013 09:40

he basically got fired from his work for sexual harassment- which is illegal. Is that what you want to be married and to live to...what would you do if one of you children got fired for the same reason and acted like this with their family?

please leave him. I bet he is just harrassing that poor lady either is he?

You are in a horrible situatiom Op and you need to leave this scumbag who thinks with his cock because it is affecting you children.

How is your dp who you will miss and love so much at home with the dc? What is he like with you?

Please leave him, if not it will get worse by him dragging you down and you have the support of your friend and family to leave him and you sound nice and caring, just that he saw you were vunrable and im guessing he is emotionall abusive (ring womans aid) at least and at first was sweet and promised you everything to sucker you in.

Either way he is still an utter twat faced pervert and you do deserve everything. Not him.

and

Buzzardbird · 26/05/2013 10:07

Yy Op you can see the similarities. Either you are my friend or this is a classic certain type of person.
Do yourself a favour, don't end up like my friend.
ps, if she ever sees the light we will all be there for her, we are just waiting in the wings (in case it is you) x

Moxiegirl · 26/05/2013 10:48

He sounds sleazy and vile, stay strong.

Original poster

Cambridgechick · 26/05/2013 16:44

Just had my brother and his family round and they have offered to sort out my childcare next week whilst I am working. Was going to have to rely on DH otherwise. I will cut all contact except via solicitor and serve divorce papers this week.

Snickers - he is controlling at home, with both me and DCs. Eldest DS has started to mimic the way he shouts at me and enforces all his petty rules. He also says "if you do that you will really upset me" a lot. I am in a bad situation, but not for much longer hopefully. He does think with his cock, but it's really not that great - I've had better.

Bant - I made him sell his latest watch (reluctantly) a few weeks ago, but that just paid off a loan he had used to buy it.

Cupcake, your ex friend sounds exactly like my DH.

OP posts:

gettingeasiernow · 26/05/2013 17:34

Your DH sounds like a person with absolutely no self-discipline whatsoever, totally self-indulgent, no ability to deny himself "treats" whether it's a new watch he doens't need and can't afford or the thrill of a bit of flirting. Your life will be a misery with him. I know someone like him married to a friend of mine, very complicated psychology, such a millstone around her neck. You can't mend him. He'll always be dragging you down.

If this relationship is not what you want your kids to emulate when they are grown, leave it and protect your self-esteem. Sorry to sound harsh, you sound like you already know it anyway.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 26/05/2013 17:40

Yes. You should not be putting your DCs through this marriage, it's good that he's left.

scottishmummy · 26/05/2013 17:46

good grief,he has no redeemable features.sexually harrassing female colleague
you're skint,eking out existence,and he's wild on credit cards.wakeyfukinwakey!
you need to prioritise the kids and you,he's incapable doing right thing

scottishmummy · 26/05/2013 17:59

fortunately you have supportive pals,family.thats what you'll need to get through this
see a solicitor,keep copies of cc bills etc
it's time to prioritise you and the kids

Original poster

Cambridgechick · 29/05/2013 00:46

So, I tried to be strong. Zero contact for a few days. Tonight he came over to see DCs, as they are missing him. Was a bit off with me and then texted me when left that he felt 'frightened' could not cope any more and then just a solitary 'i am so sorry, darling'. I freaked out and phoned him. He sounded on the edge. Said he cares about nothing except me, loves me more than DCs and that I alone am 'his family'. If he cannot have me then he will have to 'find another way'. Was not joking, I am terrified. He has promised to text me in am but he sounds on the edge and I cannot cope with the responsibility. Feel totally trapped. What to do?

OP posts:

Meringue33 · 29/05/2013 00:58

Not sure but bumping for you as didn't want you to be alone with this. Phone Women's Aid, Samaritans, Police?

LilyAmaryllis · 29/05/2013 00:59

Please ignore him. Its nothing about what you have done, it is all related to him. You DON'T have the responsibility for him. In fact I feel annoyed that he is hassling you emotionally with these "threats" about his emotional state.

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