Am I deluding myself? (long, sorry)

[Cambridgechick]

i have been living with "trust issues" in our marriage for 10 years, since my middle DS was a baby. Discovered DH had arranged to go out on a date with an old flame when she texted to say she "fancied the pants" off him. He has also signed up to dating websites, set up a secret email account and contacted a work contact on FB to tell her she looked gorgeous. She responded that she was "resisting the temptation" to see him again. He has history of emailing work colleagues flirtatiously. Over past year, he has become increasingly controlling and bullying, often reducing me to tears. At Xmas he announced he was about to get up to 12 points on driving licence and tried to persuade me to take 3 points for him. About 2 months ago I found we were heavily in debt, despite receiving an inheritance from my gran a year ago. He controlled finances and,although I could be more frugal, I believe he has issues with uncontrolled spending (obsessed with expensive watches). 2 weeks ago, having had 9 jobs in 11 years, he announced he had been sacked for obtaining receptionists mobile no. off database and sending personal texts. She also said he hangs around reception commenting on her looks and asking if she will miss him. Company may not give him a reference. To sum up, we are in a financial mess and because he has no job , may lose house. 3DS, aged 11, 9 and 5. We haven't had heating on for months, because I budgeted tightly to try to reduce debt, but now situation is hopeless. I have tried to leave him, but miss and love him. He is distraught and says he wants his family back. My heart is breaking. Can my marriage be saved?

It's the second time he has done this in a week. First time, he was staying locally and I drove round to check on him. This time he is staying 1/2 hour away. Thought of maybe asking police to check on him?

If he has made veiled threats of suicide, then yes, do phone police. they are likely to go and check on him. If he is bluffing, then it will likely put a stop to his manipulation. If not, then it could save his life.

I am afraid that this is a typical part of the script and nothing to do with his real emotions.

Google, The Script and you will see it all written down. Don't give in, and the next stage is more anger or cold withdrawal. If you attempt to contact him, he will say it is all your fault, you are creating this situation. If only you would put up and shut up like a good dog wife, then he would pat you on the head and you'd all be happy again. Then he would be off to chase the next bit of skirt.

He sounds abusive and controlling in the extreme. He has just been sacked for sexual harassment. Do not let yourself be alone with him.

Ok kickass, you were right. Why don't I get it? He finally answered phone and was annoyed I'd sent police. Nice PC advised me that if it happens again they will treat it as 'emotional abuse' and steps will be taken. Did I mention that when I first left he texted me to bring children straight home from school 'is that clear?' and then threatened to tell social services that I had 'removed' the children without his permission. That was followed by gifts and a card. I googled 'the script' but couldn't find it. I think I need to speak to my solicitor ASAP. She takes no prisoners.

Cambridge chick, this is so awful for you. You need to try and disconnect as much as possible. Even if it is breaking your heart, when engaging with him, just be as 'blank' as you can be. Any bit of emotion you give him will be an 'in' for him to latch on to and mess with you.

www.thescriptonline.com/content/

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

This might help to read it through.

I'm sorry, he really does sound awful. The police sounded great, btw. Keep a record of EVERYTHING, and communicate through solicitors or other people as much as possible. He sounds like he could turn nasty.

and no, he will never, ever, hurt himself. It is all a pretence to control you. He was probably relaxing, having a good smirk about how much he'd made you worry when there was nothing wrong with him.

Rather than thinking in terms of 'a script' simply filter everything he says to you from now on through the following test ie. 'what is his real reason for telling me that?' Then sleep on it before acting. Emotional abusers and psychological bullies specialise in saying things that are designed to evoke an immediate emotional response that wrong-foots you into acting against your better judgement. It's highly manipulative so giving yourself thinking time to get past the immediate reaction helps a lot.

I'm very glad you called the police.