The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Posters, Lurkers, Old Or New, Come Take A Seat, This Bus Is For YOU!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

A huge big welcome to the Brave Babes threads.

We're a varied group of posters, on this wonderfully supportive, non judgemental, gigantic Bus, and we are all heading in the same direction - towards Sobriety.

Some of us don't touch a drop of alcohol, some of us do. Some of us drink too much, openly admit it and are desperate to stop and some of us are trying to manage controlled drinking.

No matter what we're doing, we're just trying to do it One Day At A Time.

What ever you need, what ever your habit, chances are that there'll be another poster who is just like you or has been where you are now, already here, waiting to talk or just listen :)

Yes, some of us have been here for a longer time than others, some of us for just a few days but that's what makes this Bus so great imo, the variety of knowledge and understanding :)

This Bus has been whizzing along various roads now for almost four years thanks to the very desperate cry for help from THIS THREAD BY JWN

And if you'd like to read some of the other threads, maybe how we got to where we are today, then you can follow them back using the links RIGHT HERE

Hope to see you soon :)

Hi babes ;))
Well am on day four here. It getting easier thank god. Trouble is there are triggers everywhere. Friends asking you out and knowing alcohol will be involved! Also life stressors in general:(
I need to see the film through to the end knowing how it always ends these days!
baby jane your life sounds similar to mine! and I totally relate. I have started on beta blockers as was having bad anxiety- pretty much all the time. Lost weight, sick in the mornings, dry mouth, butterflies all the time. Hellish! Am on day three of the beta blockers and yes it does help :))) Just feel calmer and clearer headed. Normal in otherwords!!

mouse who is Mary Oliver?
Purple Wolfe How are you?
Sending strength and positive vibes to all you babes. xx

BabyJ1 Keep it up Babe, watch out for the WW - could she be telling you for instance that wine was actually good for your chron's
Good to see your resolve is strong. When I stopped drinking my bowel movements went from one extreme to another - I too spent hours struggling on the loo (but without the added crohn's to deal with). Take a look at this link and see what you think - the symptoms you mention seem to point to low magnesium :
www.ancient-minerals.com/magnesium-deficiency/symptoms-signs/

Apparently chocolate has lots of magnesium - I've been craving that like mad recently so I 'm gonna investigate further and up my intake.

And definately go see the doctor - perhaps now is the time to 'fess up' - they can only help and prescribe given all the information, and most of us here are guilty of only providing our GPs with half the truth - and then we wonder why our meds aren't working properly. Another WW strategy - blame it all on something else - its never the booze!!

good luck to all babes

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY

Koala

Thanks everyone appreciate all your comments and will see what today brings. Hope your all having a good day, sun shining here and TODAY I WILL NOT DRINK, purple you ok babe? And inside where are you? We miss you x x

Afternoon all - Obrigada it shouldn't be so difficult should it!

Since I turned 30 I started to realise and question what an 'unusual' childhood I had.

My mother is an extreme narcissist who is completely self absorbed and neglected us badly as children and adolescents. As an adult she is devoid of empathy and seeing beyond her own needs and desires. My father is an alcoholic with mental health problems brought up by an even more extreme narcissist mother (he swapped one for another) - He was a dark and terrifying presence at home, our mother was happy to abandon us with him most of the time. My home life was full of fear, rejection and a sense of never being good enough or loved. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, shielding my younger sister, cossetting my father and accepting his rage for fear he would end his life. I was the parent and felt I had to stay strong to protect the family unit. Consequentially my own feelings and needs were quashed and deemed unimportant, a sacrifice for the greater good. I have grown up a people pleaser, perfectionist and desperate for approval.

As I began to realise my DM was not the all knowing brilliance I believed her to be and that my adolescent experience was far removed from normal family life I became so angry and bitter. Having my own child reinforced the incredulity that someone could treat their children in that way. I set up tests for my parents (unconsciously) which they always failed, I reached out to them, tried to see their love - cue more hurt and rejection, anxiety, panic, OCD, depression, BLAME.

Fast forward to now - I'm over the anger (mostly!) I realise they are damaged people and I cannot change the past or them for that matter. I want them in my life but want to minimise the hurt. I've accepted things for the way they are and no longer hope for the family relationships other people have. I am reading a book by Karyl Mcbride - Will I ever be good enough - about healing the daughters or narcissistic mothers which is really good.

I need to separate my sense of self from my parents. I realise that I am always looking at my life through my mothers eyes. I have an internal dialogue where I walk around my house saying what will mum think about this or that - If I create anything in the house or garden I can't wait to show it to her to see if she likes it and similarly with my father I have taken on his interests and call him to tell him anything I do in these areas which I think will impress him. I realise so much of my time is spent STILL trying to gain the approval of my parents. I'm almost 40 FFS.

So Karyl suggests I write down what my OWN values, passions and talents are and I stare at a blank piece of paper, I truly do not know what I believe, what I like to do, what I hold important etc. My life has been spent trying desperately to live up to the values of others.

JANGO Mary Oliver is a poet who "Isinde" has quoted on here. I started reading her book Wild Geese last night. The forward resonated with me so much "I decided not to make anyone responsible for my life" That is what I need to do. The rest of my life I intend to be fully responsible for, no more allowing the past to dictate the present or future.

Sorry for epic me me me self indulgent post!

green your post made me cry, surely the very least every one of us deserves is the love of our parents, how sad ghat you did not feel that. The fact that you have turned that around and being a great mum and support so many of us on here shows that you are nothing like your parents. You are indeed a brave babe x x x

Day 14. Bad bad problems but pleased that no urge for ww remains.

Just checking in very quickly - not reading or responding, sorry, I will come back properly later. But just to say (for myself, really) that I didn't drink last night, nor on the train home just now, though the woman next to me was drinking G&T and I could have murdered one. Success! Ish, anyway.

I'm sorry baby slightly embarrassed now for that brain dump! Thank you so much for your kind words. How are you feeling this afternoon?

It is sad but I'm not feeling sad at the moment more hopeful because I can see a way forward to still have a relationship with them but save my own sanity. They are actually getting a little better in their own way. I am more worried about my mother at the moment as she has slipped into depression. After being emotionally bullet proof her whole life and refusing to believe depression anxiety existed (you just need to pull your socks up etc) she is getting older, has lost her looks and retired from her high powered position at work. I think it is getting more difficult for her to convince herself she is truly wonderful and superior and the cracks in her armour are starting to show. She no longer has an audience of admirers and is finding it very hard to adjust. I am more sad for her at the moment she is lost.

I feel empowered to change the future now I can accept the past - just need to find me in the process. So back to the list.... Will report back on progress.

Don't make anyone responsible for your life and, also, don't make yourself responsible for anyone else's life.

Everyone makes their own decisions and whilst we can be influenced and influence others, their decisions are ultimately their responsibility, not ours.

How your parents behave, for example, is their choice green, not anything you did or didn't do or say. How do you get on with your sister now?

Good luck with finding yourself. Any chance you could book yourself a night away and go somewhere remote and peaceful on your own with a journal to write in, sketchbook to draw in, calm thoughts to lose yourself in?

full lovely to hear from you again, you are really good at checking in with the bus. That's hard to do when we're feeling overwhelmed but it's important to keep that focus, I think.

(And it stops us all worrying about those that aren't around)

< cough > purps

And all the other babes out there that haven't checked in for a while, give a shout willya?

venus my thoughts are with you and your family, so much sadness and joy for you at the moment, you must not know what to feel x

Greeny Coming from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me for the lure of the pub/a good time/a bloke+alcholol+ a good time and, when she died when I was 12, a father who was way too spineless to stand up to my cruel, spiteful jealous step mother - I understand where you are coming from. The 'people-pleasing, perfectionist and desperate for approval' is so me. I, too, tried for years to keep/gain a connection with my father but, in the end, my step-mother (and my father's weakness) won through and, at the age of 40ish, I gave up with him. My children are a bit confused about it all and it's very difficult to explain. All I can do is be a better parent than either of them - despite my struggle with alcohol.

Thank you Baby, Jango, Ionnika and Mouse for asking about me. I'm a bit like the curate's egg - good in places! Seem to be totally crap at moderating my alcohol intake at the mo' but also, surprisingly, seem to be achieving lots of good stuff despite the alcohol?! Just think how awesome I could be if I could kick WW into touch!

Faire, thank you for your wise words. The woman (XMIL) is 71, morbidly obese and her 61 year old husband is an alcoholic (not seen him for about 9 years but even then, as an "ex-alcoholic" he was wandering around with a can of Coke that stunk of whiskey!!). No fucking support from XP (no surprise there!) but I've said I'm not making any decision until next spring. As DD has pointed out she will (just!) be 13 by then and XMIL has said she will fly back to accompany her. Why is this stuff so difficult!?

Joey my Sweet, how did work go?? xxx

Thank you Faire wise words as usual :) my sister and I remain in the same roles we were as children. I am the responsible one who gives, cares, looks after her, picks up the pieces etc. I am her second mum (despite there only being a few years between us). She doesn't take any responsibility, only calls when she needs me, generally waits for people to rescue her - maybe I did her no favours. Fundamentally though we love each other and I am grateful to have a link to the past who experienced the same (so I know I'm not crazy). She has her own legacy to deal with though it is different to mine - She is the favourite and babied.

Anyway enough of this melancholy malarky :) Good idea to get some peace to work through things Faire I have a special place by a river where I used to go to as a child. I reminded myself of it's permanence and no matter what no-one could take away my appreciation of it, it would always be there and always be beautiful. I might go there and sit for a while :)

Oh Purple and all those out there - I know there are a few who didn't get the parenting we all deserve, I'm sorry. I hope I haven't upset people and poor Venus I'm sorry if it is hurtful for me to be talking about my mother in this way - I hope you are okay.

Green Please don't be sorry about upsetting me - you haven't. x I think I struggled with the crap in my late teens, twenties and up to my late 30's. By now, I'm my own person. It gets to a point where you just have to get on with life, whatever it's thrown at you. What's the alternative? Hugs to Venus. xx

Hi Purple that's the point I'm reaching - shame it takes so long to get there but I guess it's a process that takes a long time. Being my own person is who I need to be now

realises she has just got off phone to mother and sister trying to sort out arrangements for them :) I guess the parent role will probably be one that sticks with me!

Well done Purple re in-laws for standing your ground, don't be rail roaded x

Ta Green x

Thanks purple work was okay, but I seem to have gone from one extreme (anxiety and panic attacks) to another (feeling depressed) turns out one of the ingredients (hops) in Kalms can be TOO effective at calming down the mood...

DD is at the in-laws for half-term, and DH wants to >>TMI make the most of it, I really don't want to, but feel so guilty at refusing. He even suggested I have some wine - not that he is trying to sabotage my sobriety, but he's a bit desperate, poor man.

How is everyone? venus mouse isinde ?

purple sounds like you made the right decision, a year is a long time especially when you're 12 and the 'Best Friend Forever' changes on a weekly basis!

Gosh its so hard to keep up. Lots of insightful posts here, well done all of you.
Where the feck is indie?
Good news - Salvation Army have agreed to keep Richard as long as needs to be there. He looks well, positive, 18 days AF. He says he feels like a snake shedding its old skin and being reborn. Have no words for the SA and the way they very calmly take in those who are completely lost and broken, and see them as people worth saving.
Thank you all for your ongoing support, prayers and thoughts. You have made a difference

ma that is great news. He is lucky to have the SA and you as a sister, your tenacity got him there x

Hi faire overwhelmed definitely good description hopefully get positive result tomorrow on health issue. But if not im not sure what to do!!

ma I'm a very long time lurker. Issues of my own. But hey! I'm so pleased to hear about Richard. 18 days is unbelievable! Good for the SA and I hope they carry on their fabulous work. I'll be brave enough one day to join the journey on the bus. It's helping me just to read & learn at the moment. Will take the plunge one day soon xx

full hopefully get positive result tomorrow on health issue. But if not im not sure what to do!!

Come and post about it of course! Just sharing your worries will at least help you feel a little better about them. Let us know what happens either way.

greeney your little place by the river sounds just the job. I like the idea of it never changing, even though the water flows on past.

I have a saying that I use with children at school to do with emotional literacy - 'feelings come and feelings go'. We never feel the same all the time so no matter how sad, miserable, worried, upset, angry, frightened we feel, the feeling will pass. I love helping to make school a safe and happy place for children to spend their days. So many are growing up in unhappy homes and some of us have shared how long-lasting the effects can be.

Chateau welcome to the bus. If you have been lurking you probably feel you 'know' lots of us already, so why not hop on and take a seat

Isinde got any of that lovely boing left? Are you still working from home and avoiding the dreaded train?

Ma I am so impressed with the Sally Army, I'm going to set up a regular donation. They are the only ones who have helped your Richard when the NHS kept letting him down. Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like you in their corner.