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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stepson and new baby

29 replies

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 21:44

Hi I have already posted this in legal, I'm just wanting a bit more advice/ support please .

Last week my ss girlfriend gave birth to his first child but her second . He lives with girlfriend and her daughter who calls ss dad.
Ss has told me and his dad today that his girlfriend has no intensions of putting his name on baby's birth certificate. He has known this for a few months but was hoping she would change her mind , this is not the case she is still sticking to her decision .
As you can imagine ss is distraught at her choice and does not know what to do.
I tried to call his girlfriend yesterday just to see how she was and how baby was but she never answered my call which was unusual as we usually have a good relationship .
I don't know what to do should I try calling her again to see if she ok , I don't want to pester her as I know she more than likely just can't be bothered with visitors . Or do I leave it and wait for her to contact us which I don't think will happen .

OP posts:

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 22/05/2013 21:50

He should consider making an application to the family court for a Parental Responsibility Order.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 22/05/2013 21:53

Useful advice here

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 22/05/2013 21:57

As I understand it, he could also make an application for a "Declaration of Parentage". If the Order is made, the Court sends a copy to the Registrar and the Birth Certificate is automatically amended.

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 22:00

Thank you I will read through now .
I am just really struggling to understand why she is doing this , they live together her daughter calls him dad but he will have no rights without a fight over his own child .

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 22/05/2013 22:09

but he will have no rights without a fight over his own child

That is why she has done it. Given that her elder child calls your DSS "Daddy" then I assume she has no contact with her birth father. I rather suspect that his GF is looking to the future if/when she is no longer with your DSS, and she will wipe him out of existence knowing that the path to PR/Access is long and expensive, but that the CSA will just take her word for it. So she gets to do an Enid Blyton.

TonysHardWorkDay · 22/05/2013 22:22

It does sound like she is planning for him not to be around. Do you know if she is claiming single parent benefits? I know a few people who have not put the fathers name on the BC for the purpose of a dodgy benefits claim.

Of course it could be for more understandable if not 'right' reasons. If the father of the eldest was violent or threatened to take the child from her it could leave her panicked about potential consequences. It is impossible to say which is her reason but none bode well for her relationship.

I hope this is something that can be sorted.

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 22:31

You are right her daughters father has only seen her a few times as girlfriend made it clear she did not want him in daughters life .
My ss and us as a family are not willing to do that should it ever come to that .
I feel so angry with her for turning ss first week as a new dad and a happy and exciting time for us all into a shit worrying time , and what will she do next .

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 22:47

As far as I know she does not claim single parent benefits . Ss works and they recieve child tax and working tax credits . I don't know her reasons for not wanting her daughters father involved in her life she never wants to discuss it .
I do know her mother has a lot to say about what happens in her daughters life . Her mother has 8 children by 5 different men all of whom have no contact what so ever with any of them . Could it be that her mother is telling her this is what she should do or is girlfriend just waiting till next man comes along who will then become "daddy" to her daughter and our grandson .

OP posts:

peopletalk · 22/05/2013 22:48

i wonder why he thought it a good idea to have a baby with a partner who has form for cutting fathers out of their childs life.

tell him to seek legal advice having no name on the birth certificate and therefore no parental responsibilty is not an advisable postion to be in.

Bogeyface · 22/05/2013 22:51

or is girlfriend just waiting till next man comes along who will then become "daddy" to her daughter and our grandson .

We learn from our parents and I rather think that your "DIL" has learned at her mothers knee.

When is she registering the birth? If he insists on going then can he insist on being on the BC? Or atleast throw a spanner in the works at the registrars?

If I was him I wouldnt worry too much about upsetting her as it doesnt sound like she is planning to be with him long anyway. :(

Bogeyface · 22/05/2013 22:52

People I am sure she told him a plausible story that a young naive man would believe of a woman he loved.

totalfruitcake · 22/05/2013 22:53

If he is serious about being committed to her and the baby, perhaps he could speak to her about getting married? If the parents are married, they both have to have their names on the birth certificate. And it would be a good way to reassure her that he is planning to stick around. Most single parents do want support from the other parent, especially if they're good with parenting and prepared to contribute financially. It would be odd and quite rare for a woman to simply cut a man out of their child's life if she has no concerns about his ability to parent or to provide for the child.

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 22:56

I think at the time of her falling pregnant he never thought that she would do this to him , after all her daughters father is named on her birth certificate . So she will know in years to come should she want to who her biological father is . Our grandson on the other hand may not .
I will be telling ss tomorrow everything I have been told to do on here , and hopefully we will be able to get something sorted quickly .

OP posts:

peopletalk · 22/05/2013 22:58

its a shame this special time has been tainted for you good luck

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 22/05/2013 23:12

Bogey she hasn't told him when she is going to register the birth , I have a feeling she will just go and do it and let him know later .
I just can't believe that a woman who I thought was a nice person has turned out to be quite the opposite .

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 23/05/2013 02:50

Thankyou people talk , it is however very unlikely that this will have a happy ending . Ss returned home a couple of hours ago after girlfriend has asked him to leave she cannot put up with his interfering aswell as a newborn baby crying.
When I asked what she meant by interfering he said baby had been unsettled so he had offered to take him downstairs so that she could rest . Girlfriend told him he was taking him nowhere and told him to leave before she called police.
This sad situation is getting slowly worse .

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 23/05/2013 03:36

Like I said, she has learned at her mothers knee. So sad that she thinks that is how families work :(

Bogeyface · 23/05/2013 03:36

that this is how families work

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 23/05/2013 03:47

Thank you bogey face for replying . Like you it is so sad that she thinks this . I haven't stopped crying today and as far as I am aware she hasn't other than state what she is going to , done anything wrong so to speak.
It's the not knowing what she will do that is worse at the moment .
Will she stop us grandparents seeing him first ?
Then will she cut all contact with ss ?
If all this happens how many new dads will grandson have ?

OP posts:

BabylonReturns · 23/05/2013 04:19

You should try to get some sleep AuntyVirus your DIL sounds like she is playing games :(

Could she be depressed maybe?

lizzywig · 23/05/2013 06:09

Just a thought but do you think there could be any chance that your ss isn't the father and that's why she doesn't want to put his name on the birth certificate?! It does sound "logical" that after her past experience she'd make that decision but surely you don't have another child if you don't trust that person completely. I feel really sad for you all.

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2013 06:36

Have you considered that she might be ill?

Puerperal psychosis is rare, but I have seen 2 cases where women had a complete personality change withing hours of giving birth. One was really frightening. She became convinced that everyone was trying to steal the baby. Her behaviour got more and more bizarre and she was admitted to an acute psychiatric unit for several weeks.

Just a thought.

Original poster

AuntyVirus · 23/05/2013 07:49

I have thought about her bieng ill and it is a good possibility , but she told ss some months ago that his name was not going on birth certificate .
Ss is up he said she has txt him through the night apologising for asking him to leave and asking him to go back home.
This is breaking my heart seeing my ss so sad at what should be the happiest time of his life .
I contacted ss mother yesterday to ask what she thought we could do as a family to help both ss and his girlfriend , and all she is bothered about is just turning up at their house and demanding to see baby. There is no concern for ss as long as she gets to see baby .
It is just all shit and a mess .
Sorry for rambling i am so tired and upset .

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Original poster

AuntyVirus · 23/05/2013 12:00

Izzywig that thought has crossed my mind but I really don't think that is the case.
Although I really don't know what to think anymore .

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Original poster

AuntyVirus · 28/05/2013 02:27

Hi sorry to keep bumping my own post but there have been a few more issues with girlfriend and I think I just need to vent.
Dss has gone back to living with his girlfriend , although he was briefly back at our home Saturday . Girlfriend has invited dp and myself up to visit baby several times to only then be out when we arrived and twice sending dss to the door to say she had changed her mind . I am struggling with the way she is doing this to us , why invite us to then change her mind .
My dp wants to ask dss if its ok if we visit tomorrow night, I however do not want him to , as much as I really would love to see our grandson . I want to be able to visit him because we are wanted there not because we have caught them off guard and they have no excuse or time to go out .
I feel that this is the beginning of the end of our short relationship with our grandson . Once again I am heartbroken at this shit situation .

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