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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

228 replies

HollieHelen · 22/05/2013 14:36

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we?d do, having more kids ? but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it?s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work ?
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can?t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieHelen · 23/05/2013 13:48

Thank you for the suggestions about talking to DH about couple time / alone time - I have known for a while I need to do this but have been ignoring the feeling but I really need to make time for this now.
I think I can keep a secret - I know some people have said the truth is the only solid foundation for a marriage but if I tell DH about this I don't think we'll have any chance of rediscovering things.
The best thing I can do for the children is to love their father ... this means a lot to me. I think I need to explain to DH that we need to be husband and wife first not the kids' mum and dad first if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieHelen · 23/05/2013 13:50

Working on the marriage IS for the kids' sake - if there were no kids involved I would already have left DH. However there are so I have to face that and deal with the marriage.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 23/05/2013 13:54

yes yes yes, especially to your 13.48pm post.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/05/2013 14:11

. Maybe a bit relevant to this thread but, we're both nursing friends with broken hearts... I wonder if either of them would have swapped that first exhilaration for the 'nothing' of not starting the affair?

HollieHelen... You still have a chance to put things right with almost zero damage (except to you for a while). Don't be in the position of being forced to deal with a break-up that you don't want.

TonytheFish · 23/05/2013 14:48

"HollieHelen Thu 23-May-13 13:50:22
Working on the marriage IS for the kids' sake - if there were no kids involved I would already have left DH. However there are so I have to face that and deal with the marriage."

And once the children are no longer young, but adults with their own lives...do you think your DH will get kicked to the curb?

He also deserves to be happy and be with someone who loves him. I doubt he wants someone who will just "deal" with the marriage.

You do not want to leave as you do no want your life disrupted, you will not leave the children behind as you could not bear to be without them(seemingly forgetting your Dh will be in the same boat but he has no choice in the matter).

If you plan on staying with your Dh, and not tell him the truth, then your entire marriage, the rest of your lives will be built on a lie. You will have to lie to him every day for the rest of your life.

You have already said that you will resent the children from stopping you being happy and what has changed? Do you think you will resent your children and husband, as they have stood in your way?

Charbon · 23/05/2013 14:55

Personally, I would make no hard and fast decisions about being honest with your husband about your actions. There are in any case pros and cons for that, but it is in my view not the most pressing issue here.

That is to end the affair and tell the OM that you want no contact with him at all, asking him to respect your decision.

Then I'd suggest you get some individual therapy where you can reflect on this experience. It would be helpful to focus on you as an individual and the coping mechanisms we've discussed, how much your father's actions and your altered childhood has influenced your choices, an objective assessment of your marriage (particularly before the affair started) and to give you a safe space to grieve the end of the affair and cope with addiction-weaning, plus some discussion about the potential consequences of honesty and keeping the secret.

I'd recommend that you talk to your husband and permit some initial honesty about your misgivings about your personal relationship, but I would try to think a bit more laterally here and recognise that some of your feelings might not be isolated to your marriage but also your lifestyle in general. As others have suggested, it would be remarkable if your husband did not have his own disappointments and frustrations both with life and with your relationship.

There is a risk with a conversation like this that your husband might ask you directly whether you have romantic feelings for the friend you have been having an affair with, in plain sight. Telling a lie at this point will have its own consequences, so I'd advise you to think very carefully about what you might do in that event.

Prioritise what needs to be done first, but please reject an inertia option.

lifeshocker · 23/05/2013 18:57

The only people who use the term soul mates are people like you trying to justify their affars and lies. It makes me cringe everytime I hear that expression

lifeshocker · 23/05/2013 18:57

The only people who use the term soul mates are people like you trying to justify their affars and lies. It makes me cringe everytime I hear that expression

ashamedgay · 23/05/2013 18:58

Why do you call him your soulmate, and that you don't think your DH is??

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 23/05/2013 20:26

What about the people married to their soul mates, lifeshocker?

Snog · 23/05/2013 20:33

I think you have already moved on from your marriage and would be living a lie to pretend otherwise which serves nobody. You are kidding yourself that it serves either your dh or your dc imo.

I think you need to leave this marriage.

Doughnutmaestro · 23/05/2013 20:54

I think you're fooling yourself if you think your husband doesn't know, my mum had affairs all through my childhood and even though my dad never said anything about it he knew what was happening but desperately tried to keep the family together and stay with the wife he loved. My dad died when I was 21 and my mum was remarried within a year, I never forgave her for how she behaved and We ended up being estranged, I haven't seen her in years and she died a month ago never having met my ds (I reached out to her but she was too wrapped up with her new husband) we all grew up knowing about what mum was doing and I grew up with the idea that men were there just to be used to get things from and I thought women had to use sex to make men do what they wanted.
It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can be the wife and mother my family deserves, but ill never forgive my mother, I wish she had just left and let my dad find someone else or be happy alone I even think we would have been better off in care than in that environment do you really want that for your kids?
Your husband knows what's going on, he knows you've been spending time with om and will have noticed you deliberately being more attentive and will probably have noticed you texting so to think that you can get out of this without hurting him is deluded you already have hurt him.

I say leave him and leave the kids with him. If you want to leave you leave but you have no right to take them away from their father and home.
If you're going to stay cut contact with om, spend time being a good wife for your husband and a good mother to your children and if any man ever turns your head again you need to have a good strong talk to yourself and wonder whether its worth ruining so many lives so you can have a bit of excitement.

I'm sorry if that's harsh but if you were a man posting this everyone would have told you straight off that you are wrong.

Original poster
HollieHelen · 23/05/2013 21:56

Have contacted OM tonight, said we have no future together as am going to work on marriage for kids' sake. He has no intention of leaving wife and baby.
We have drawn a line under it.
Now I need to try and talk to DH and also try and be there properly for him and the kids rather than acting a part half the time.
HH

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieHelen · 23/05/2013 22:01

If I can work out childcare etc will also try and see a counsellor.

OP posts:
musickeepsmesane · 23/05/2013 22:02

Well done you. I hope you find the spark with your DH. He sounds lovely. If you find it a struggle maybe you should get some extra help, maybe some counselling as suggested by others. I hope it works out for you and your family

musickeepsmesane · 23/05/2013 22:02

sorry x post!

Cherriesarelovely · 23/05/2013 22:06

Good luck OP and well done. I also hope things work out for you all.

Original poster
HollieHelen · 23/05/2013 22:17

This has been really helpful. I'd not dared to talk to friends or family and this has really woken me up to how people perceive what I was doing.

OP posts:
Distrustinggirlnow · 23/05/2013 22:50

I know it may not feel like it HH but you have so done the right thing Smile
Stay strong and spoil your DH, he sounds so lovely.
Sending you Thanks

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 23/05/2013 22:57

You have done the right thing, so credit where credit is due.

Hopefully the insights and wisdom and kindness on this thread has been helpful, and something you can reflect back on if and when your marriage goes into another trough, as it inevitably will. Likewise, enjoy the peaks when they come. :)

apatchylass · 23/05/2013 23:18

Oh the 'soulmate' has a wife with a small baby? What a catch he'd turn out to be. Good news that you gave him the boot.

In long marriages people fall in and out of love with their DPs. Work on it. Enjoy time with him, alone, with friends and as a family. One day you might well surprise yourself and suddenly turn round and think, 'Phwoar' again at your DH. Or if not 'phwoar' at least that lovely warm rush of love you get for someone you have been through life's major events with. That counts for far more than a bit of furtive fumbling with a bloke whose wife is changing his baby's nappies.

LilyAmaryllis · 23/05/2013 23:19

Good luck HH and post again if you need to talk more as you go through the process

springymater · 24/05/2013 01:18

Well done. You've done the right thing.

Whatever it takes, get to a therapist. It's vital you do imo xx

flatbellyfella · 24/05/2013 08:25

I have followed yours, & others comments all the way through. Congratulations on making the correct decision for all concerned, it will be hard at first, to not dwell on this soul mate relationship ending like this. Let the hours turn into days, & the days into weeks,etc: you will soon be back on track.Thanks best wishes.

Yogii · 24/05/2013 08:45

Tell your H it's for the kids' sake that you're with him. If that's the only reason you're going to spend the next decade or more with him, he deserves to know.