Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

[HollieHelen]

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we?d do, having more kids ? but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it?s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work ?
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can?t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

[lowercase]

This is an obsession, which has nothing to do with love.

If you tell your DH you can work together on improving the relationship rather than being dishonest and resentful, pining away for your ex and potentially door is open for contact in future.

Shut the affair down.
Cut it off.
Don't feed into it.
Stop romanticising, it's like throwing glitter on shit.

Get honest, the truth ain't pretty, but it's a solid foundation.

Do the right thing.

[scaevola]

Individual counselling for you might be helpful as it would let you explore why you did what you did, and build on your resolve to work on your marriage by actively considering what was wrong and what a better version would look like.

Alongside that, you need to direct the time you previously spent talking and thinking about OM towards your DH. Talk to him, about anything and everything. Think back to the kind of things you enjoyed with him before your affair. Can you plan a few things now that would foster that same mood?

[lollydollydrop]

I'm so glad OP has mumsnetters to talk some sense into her. Please take the advice OP they know of what they speak.

[lollydollydrop]

Why do people having affairs always try to justify it by calling them their 'soulmate'? Utter bullshit, doubt she's even fooling herself.

[musickeepsmesane]

He knows where I am but thinks me and this other guy are just old friends

Your poor DH. He trusts you.

[Selba]

Two excellent contributions by Frogwatcher

[chipmonkey]

lowercase that is a brilliant expression "throwing glitter on shit"!

Hollie, first of all, what do you mean by soulmate? Is it just an expression you use to describe a perfect relationship? Or do you believe that on this earth, there are certain souls/spirits who are meant for each other and will be together in the afterlife?

If the former, then, frankly you can't possibly know if he is or not, based on the amount of contact you have. It is so easy to have a perfect relationship when you have none of the joint worries and stresses that couples have. You don't have to deal with him coming home in a bad mood because something didn't go well at work or the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or leaves pubes in the shower. His wife has to deal with that. And he in turn, doesn't have to put up with you snapping at him because your period is due or that you fart in bed. Your husband has to deal with that.

If you believe in souls/spirits and that you were meant to be together, then I can relate a story to you. I read a lot of books on spirits and souls after my dd died. One was by a medium who was visited by people who wanted to talk to their loved ones who had passed over. One lady came to him because she wanted to talk to her OM who had passed over. When he was alive, she and he had described each other as soulmates and had said that he should have married her instead of his dw. She went to that medium expecting to be told that he would be waiting for her and that she had been his true love. But the message the medium passed on was that no, although he had loved her on earth, his true love was in fact his wife and that he had treated his wife very badly by having an affair with her. She left the session quite upset but in no doubt that it was a message from her OM.

I am not going to say that that last story is definitely true because you never can tell if that kind of story is true but because a lot of the stories in that book rang true for me, I was inclined to believe it. There are many here who will say it's patent nonsense which is also a valid point of view!

If your husband is a good man and a good father, then he doesn't deserve the fallout of your affair. Neither do your children who are innocent parties in all of this. Neither does the OM's wife and neither does his dc. So the only people who can possibly benefit are you and the OM. And even at that, your lives would still not be blissful, there will be battles over custody/access, stress over money and heartbreak because both of you will have periods of time when your children are with other people. Your children might not get on with your OM, and his child might not get on with you and possibly resent you for taking his/her Daddy away.

And there's the additonal issues that could arise. How can you ever trust each other if you know that the relationship started as cheating?

Do the right thing and end it. It will be hard and it will hurt but will result in less pain for everyone in the end. And you will be able to put more effort into your marriage.

[Inertia]

Well, as your perspective appears to be all about what you want, you need to think about what you'll end up with.

OM cheated on you before. He's cheating on his wife now. It's entirely likely that once you become available he won't actually want you any more- he'll want his home comforts, and want to spend time with his own children rather than yours. Even if you got together, you'd always , always be wondering where he was, who he was with, whether he was cheating with his ex-wife or somebody else entirely.

You could well end up without your H or you children, and without OM as well. Or with him but in a thoroughly miserable life.

You aren't a teenager anymore. Grown-up relationships are not all about illicit snogs and raging hormones- real adults in real relationships work at it, put the hard hours in, and put their children first.

[LilyAmaryllis]

Stop before the choice is taken out of your hands. The MN boards are full of people discovering their partner's affair by accident. The partner is then asked to leave and they are not wanted back, however much they might have some sudden change of heart/realisation of their stupidity.
So please stop the affair/emotional entanglement now and delete all the messages.

[springymater]

It was you who contacted him though, wasn't it? What did you expect?

You say your children are the only thing in the way of 'happiness' - what about your husband? Isn't he 'in the way' too? Is he a nothing and a nobody? It sounds like he is to you.

[bellabelly]

If this man (the OM) were truly your soulmate, you'd have had sex by now, he'd have been begging you, since the first kiss, to leave your DH, you'd have left by now. Honest. The OM wants to have his cake and eat it. You don't want to see that right now but it's true, I promise. (I have been in a similar position, thankfully pre-kids.) I'm not judging you but if you DO end up leaving your DH, do it because you want to leave him, NOT because you're expecting OM to "rescue" you - the chances are that he won't.

[Charbon]

Why do people having affairs always try to justify it by calling them their 'soulmate'?

Because women especially are socialised that illicit lust is only sanctionable if romantic love is involved, but more generally across the sexes, it's a common defence mechanism to claim that a Higher Power has been invoked and only that would have caused the person to act against their values and personal integrity. Unfortunately, many people believe that Romantic Love is a credible defence for inflicting grievous harm against others and this is a common characteristic in abusive relationships (I only hurt you because I love you so much) and triangular relationships of any kind.

The OP's marriage doesn't sound unhappy or miserable at all. In fact, remarkably given that she is in the midst of an affair which is likely to have evoked considerable dissatisfaction with her marriage and her husband, the OP has said throughout that this happened because of her own poor mechanisms for coping with feeling a bit bored and trapped, both of which are feelings experienced by most people at some stage of their lives.

The latter is a really crucial point.

Most people with marriages, jobs and children get to a stage in their lives when their existence seems to be all about Responsibility. Few people experiencing that don't occasionally yearn for something that is just for them, where they can briefly escape from the pressures and be carefree and selfish. An emotionally healthy person might negotiate a safe release valve within her partnership, or at least might share those feelings of restlessness and unease.

Someone with poor self-soothing and coping mechanisms will instead fail to take that risk with a partner and let him in (the OP admits she has shared none of her feelings with her partner) and will seek out a 'quick fix' escape mechanism to help her to function in life. To make this choice more palatable, she will dress it up as a Grand Love affair with her One True Soulmate.

[Admiraltea]

De-lurking...as happy partner of very moral, good and decent man. His DW was out the door in less than a day after messages found.
Apparently v. sad that she wasn't allowed to "explain".
My good

[Admiraltea]

Being a lot more serious, my marriage ended many years ago, no affairs and yet the irrational feelings I have occasionally towards my children's very lovely stepmother..relationship started 4 years after divorce...are pure jealousy..because I miss my kids when they are not here and want to share every memory with them... and that is from an ending nowhere near as messed up as yours will be.

[Lovingfreedom]

A cautionary tale. My exH did this with a woman he once nearly had a thing with years ago. he told her he loved her...lots and lots of times. Then when I saw the messages he told me that in this case 'I love you' didn't mean 'I love you' but 'I LOVE you' and that really he loved me, his wife. Yes, it makes no sense whatsoever. After putting up with it and 'trying again ' for a while I kicked him out. Nothing like moving from a comfortable family home to a life on benefits to put your teenage fantasy life in perspective, I'm guessing. How romantic for him...and to her? (Who?) I say 'cheers!'....

[plannedshock]

Sorry if I'm repeating what anyone else has posted but I've read your post and commented straight away.
You selfish selfish cow. Not the affair, the might resent the kids part. You might resent your kids for not ending your marriage to save their happiness. Just wow.
End your marriage and be with the other guy, stay with your husband and make it work, where does resenting the kids come into it? You should be ashamed of that statement.

[LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning]

What would you do if dh found out today what you'd been doing ?

[HollieHelen]

If DH found out today in a way I'd be relieved as I would like to talk through some of this with him but can't start the conversation.
I am ashamed of what I said about resenting the kids. I know none of this is their fault and they didn't ask for a crappy mum like me.

[SoupDragon]

FFS, take a step back and wake up. He cheated on you before, he is cheating on his wife, you are cheating on your husband (clearly not your "D"H. Soulmate? Really? That doesn't say much about the state of your soul.

[EuphemiaLennox]

Great post by Charbon.
Hollie I hope you've read that. If so, read it again.

You're not a terrible person or a crappy mum, you're a flawed individual struggling with emotions which are a frequent experience for so many people, just look at the relationships boards, although there you mostly see the fallout.
People ae trying to help you see more clearly, to prevent you causing unnecessary heartache and having huge regrets yourself.

Your feelings are normal, understandable even commonplace but now you have to make some choices about how you deal with those feelings.

[cory]

From everything I have heard and seen in life, children suffer far less from an open divorce than from finding out by accident that the parent they trusted is a liar. And sooner or later they will find out- even if they never find the courage to tell you.

So out of three possible solutions:

A) stop seeing the OM

B) get a divorce to be with him

C) carry on as you are and end up being found out

C) is the one option that is absolutely guaranteed to damage your children. You have a choice between A and B. And you have to make it now.

[HollieHelen]

Thank you, yes, Charbon's message is really useful. It seems my coping mechanisms are really bad.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Take on board the advice given.

It takes two to make a happy marriage, you must speak to your husband. You don't need to mention the OM, you could just say you are feeling unfulfilled, neglected, whatever, and start to discuss ways to improve things.

If he is totally unaware that there is a problem, you need to speak to him. Give him a chance.

Cut contact with the OM. You say he cheated when you were teenagers, well hey ho, looks like he never grew up as he's obviously not changed!

Your ego is being stroked at the moment, you are in the honeymoon stage/the exciting new relationship stage. You know it doesn't last. Work on getting the spark back with your husband.

I would suggest marriage counselling.

If after trying all avenues you decide you don't want to be with your husband, then work out how to leave. Finish one relationship before starting another.

[worsestershiresauce]

Hollie, I feel a bit sad for you. You seem to be willing to throw away a good man and your family life for a serial cheater. To an objective bystander that is just insane, and a recipe for years of unhappiness.

[HollieHelen]

Yes DH is really unaware and I know I need to speak to him but I just don't want him to feel that I'm accusing him of anything as this is not his fault in any way. I need to find a way of broaching the subject that makes it clear it's my problem.
HH