Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

[HollieHelen]

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we?d do, having more kids ? but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it?s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work ?
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can?t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

Remind yourself of what it was about your dh that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Maybe your dh is bored too but doesn't feel he can speak to you about it? You both need time together to reconnect.

I can't go into a full detailed post as I'm on my phone but felt the need to say this in the hope it opens your eyes and gives you a big 'ol slap in the face with a wet fish.

My father had an affair when I was a child and left.

My mother put her happiness first throughout my entire childhood. Many many times and in many many ways. She is a very selfish woman who always put her relationships before her daughter. My stepdad and her split several times over the years and he'd walk out and take everything in the house that he could fit in the car. But she always took him back. There were other men in between.

I dont see my father, havent since i was 10 years old.

Throughout the first few years of being with my husband I was convinced he would leave me. Because as far as I knew that's what men did.

Since having my own daughter 17 months ago I've felt an intense hatred towards my mother that I cannot control. I've had PND from trying so hard to be a good mother and not be like her. I wanted to be perfect. I've since had some counselling and realise my baby girl loves me warts and all. As long as I do my best by her. That's my point, I need to do the best by my daughter and I will fiercely protect her from harm all her life. Something my mother never did.

That's what affairs do to children. That's what selfish behaviour does to children.

It never leaves.

Emotional ramble there that I couldn't proof read properly. Apologies for errors.

Forgot to add.

If you haven't told your husband there's a problem then you can't talk through with him how to fix it.

I can't see how you can spend time with your husband when he has become a cardboard cutout to you.

I'm wondering if you tend to see things in black and white? re married = should be happy/fulfilled. Bored = must get something from somewhere (hence initiating this affair).

You sound fucked up my darling. Join the club - plenty of us are. Go to a specialist who is trained to address fucked-upness. A therapist. Book a therapist, don't sit around telling yourself you are crapper than crap (it's a big self-indulgent to do that!). What you have done is crapper than crap, but that doesn't mean you are - it means you're making some crap choices. Get that under a microscope with a therapist who won't judge and will give you the space to explore all this. Therapists won't be shocked! Far from it.

If you can't do this for you, and you can't do this for your husband: do it for your kids! They are breathing this shit, whether you realise it or not

Havent read the whole thread.

There's nothing wrong with feeling trapped also nothing wrong in having feelings for somebody else.

But it is wrong to conduct a relationship of any form behind your poor dh back.

Why not split with dh spend some time sorting your head out and then see where you stand with om?

Ok Hollie tell us more about your Dh.

Tell us in what ways he supports you.
Tell us what kind of father he is.
Tell us how you work together as parents.
Tell us what shared values you have.
Tell us when you last had a happy time together as a family.
Tell us when you last enjoyed time together as a couple.
Tell us what he would say about you.
Tell us how you felt on your wedding day.
Tell us about the plans you have for tge2 future.
Tell all about your hooes together as a family when your children were born.
Tell us who you can rely on most in the world.

Ok so this is a simplistic an obvious technique but im sure you've been minimising all tgese facts in your mind with a 'yes I know but OMs my Soul mate' type thoughts.

SomI'm saying change your thinking change your focus, and a change of feelings will follow.

DH supports me in that he lets me try new things if I want, e.g. running / new job.
He is a wonderful hands-on dad who comes home early from work to do bedtime then works all evening to catch up.
We work together as we are a bilingual family so language is an important issue and we really agree on it.
We both believe in similar parenting techniques, quite strict about behaviour, rudeness etc.
We went away as a family May bank holiday weekend which was lovely.
Not much time enjoyed as a couple.
He would say I was a good wife and mum.
On my wedding day I felt nervous but happy and hoped I was building a marriage to last.
We would like to move to be closer to my family.
We both thought we would like a big family but 2 kids has proved incredibly challenging so we are sticking with that and trying to do our best for them.
I can rely on my mum most in the world. But I cannot tell her any of this as she would never, ever forgive me.
HH

Good questions and answers.

How much time do you spend with your husband?

Ok does all that open up any chink in you thinking on soul mates and where your happiness may actually lie?

Again, I'm not suggesting making one list is going to solve your problem but it may be a step on the way to changing how you feel.

I would not describe DH has my soulmate but previous posts have suggested the term is pretty meaningless anyway. I would describe him as a fantastic dad and a good husband but we definitely do not spend enough time together without the kids (5 and 1) and there is little physical attraction between us any more.

At the moment I feel like working on the marriage for the kids's sake is definitely the right thing to do. I don't know if it will make me happy but maybe that will be clearer down the line and at least I wouldn't be feeling so guilty all the time, and the kids will be far better off.

I think you're getting a lot of very constructive help on this thread. I just wanted to pick up on something you said earlier about the OM "I think I'm more into this than he is." And you said he'd never leave his wife.

I don't necessarily think that the fact he cheated on you when you were teenagers is relevant. BUT, please try to see this situation for what it is. He is using you. He's getting off on the fantasy that you're creating around the situation. He's storing up some nice memories for his wank bank. And he's doing it all guilt-free.

Of course, he's not cheating on his wife!! He hasn't had sex with you, after all. Do you really think he's going through the same anguish and guilt that you are? Do you really think he believes that you're his soulmate? Maybe realising this will help you appreciate what you've got.

I think many people want the excitement, hearts and flower's ect.

But with responsibility that fades its a given.
Whats more important is somebody who loves you unconditionally and is there for you.

HH.
I think you need "date nights",[or whatever the MN phrase is] or somrthing similar.

But above all, I think you need to do it for you, for HollieHelen.

I get the distinct impression that you have lost yourself somewhat in your relationship with your husband.

De-lurking...I like this article in the psychologytoday about soulmates, makes for interesting reading....

Soul mates

How do you think your dh would respond if you said that you wanted to spend more time together alone. That you missed that and wanted it back. With him!

Could you prioritise this? Would your mum have the kids for few days?

Think about how and when you and your dh really used to connect.
For me it's as boring as going to the pub together. I just love and need that feeling of a bottlof wine and talking all evening - as we can go without hardly speaking properly for days! For others it's a shared hobby or place that nyst takes you together out of the mundane and you focus on each other.

It wont be fireworks it won't have the thrill of elicit texts, but it will be you sharing a good time with your husband and it will be REAL.

OP... this is a topic close to my heart. I'm 'nursing' a friend through her break-up with OM, which has left her bereft and almost suicidal. :(

You've had some fantastic advice on this thread. You obviously do love your husband even if you've had your head turned by OM. It happens. I think the advice from squeaver about ignoring your teenage relationship is excellent; I think you're a little too fixated on that and it's getting you through the 'hard times' of realising that he's not into this as much as you are... See the reality for what it is and try not to dress it up as something else because that way leads to a world of pain and hurt for you and anybody else who finds out.

Can you speak to somebody confidentially about this? I'm asking because I think you should keep it a secret. That's not a commonly agreed philosophy but, if you tell, you have no control over what happens to that information and, if you want your marriage to work you may lose that option. Also, if you are prepared to end this affair now, before anybody knows, you can draw a line and make your marriage what you want it to be. There's no harm in telling your husband that you feel there isn't enough 'couple time' or that affection is in short supply sometimes, it's something you can both work on. Telling your husband about the affair - if it's over - is not going to help your marriage and I don't believe you'd be able to cope with the ongoing lack of affection and couple-time COMPOUNDED by the pain and anguish that this revelation will cause.

Can you keep a secret? I mean, REALLY keep it? Building on your marriage and your hopes that you had on your wedding day? See this as the inconsequential 'blip' it can be viewed as? You have much to lose - and much to gain - by keeping silent. Can you do that?

First things first though.
Ditch the daydream and the man. Properly with no going back because we can't quite do it scenarios.

Givr yourself week to come to terms with it realky being a dead dream...then make yiur marriage your priority.

I heard a phrase once, obviously aimedrat men 'the best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother. '
the reverse of this is true for you.

HH aren't you lucky everyone is being so understanding and trying to help you?

You have cheated on your husband. You have put two marriages in jeopardy. You are self indulgent and selfish. Your posts are all about you and your feelings and, to be frank, I don't think you are taking on board most of the good advice here. I think you only care about yourself, you want, want want for very little input from yourself. You are the very epitome of what is wrong with marriage today - all me, me me and no give. Grow up or leave your husband. He sounds like he deserves better.

What's the alternative, musickeepsmesane? Give the OP a verbal slapping? To what end? OP is coming around to her own thoughts on making her marriage work, only she can do that. I don't see the point of sending her off with insults ringing in her ears.

Everybody is selfish sometimes and everybody lies sometimes...

Soulmates are made, not born.

You have been given some great advice here. It's been lovely to see people offer advice instead of just slating you.

I really hope you take all this aboard. Your OM is not your soul mate, it's just a fantasy.

Rhiana1979. No, what you describe is what your parents did to you.

My Dad was a serial shagger who left my Mum when I was 6. She married a man I tolerated and best, and loathed quietly at worst. I am neither bitter nor scarred by either of those facts and have an excellent relationship with both my parents. Because despite their own personal shortcomings they never let them affect me. I'm sorry that your experience is the same, but your experience, like mine, is just anecdote, and doesn't mean that the OP's will be the same as either of ours.

Hollie

Everything you've said SCREAMS to me that you haven't worked hard enough to save your marriage yet.

It truly is starting to sound like it's dawning on you that you want to try.

I don't think you should walk away without trying!

When DH and I hit a similar point a few years ago (no affairs but some equally difficult shit going on) that is what I thought - ok, my marriage may not be what I want, but I haven't tried everything I can yet to save it. I owe it to DH, the DCs and myself to try my damndest to fix it and find my happiness within my family. Then if I'm still unhappy, I will know that I did everything in my power to try and fix things, but it just didn't work out, and then I would be able to leave with a clear understanding that I was doing it for the right reasons. A clear conscience.

We worked bloody hard, counselling, forcing ourselves to be more physical, starting with things like cuddles and massages and working our way up to sex, definitely going on more "date nights" (really hate that term), finding small ways to be kind to each other, talking more (our counsellor even had us on a script "Tell me 3 best things and 3 worst things about your day") and so on.

Now no marriage is "perfect" but we are happy. And content. We are real partners now, us against the world.

Don't tell your DH about the affair. That is just unfair - hurting him just so you can have the luxury of "being forgiven" (BIG IF) and a "clear conscience". I am afraid the guilt and the fear and self-loathing are your crosses to bear for acting this way in the first place.

Good luck.

When a wife whose husband is cheating comes on, she is encouraged to LTB. Here we have a wife who is cheating. She needs a verbal slap. We are all selfish sometimes - lies sometimes - yes. Sometimes. She is lying all the time. 24/7. To her husband. Who trusts her.

At the moment I feel like working on the marriage for the kids's sake is definitely the right thing to do. I don't know if it will make me happy but maybe that will be clearer down the line and at least I wouldn't be feeling so guilty all the time, and the kids will be far better off.

It is still about her. For the kids sake? Really? The ones she resents? What about her husband? Sounds like she is stringing him along, waiting to see if things are going to get better 'down the line'. Also, working on a marriage for the kids sake doesn't work. A marriage has to be an equal and trusting partnership.