Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

[HollieHelen]

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we?d do, having more kids ? but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it?s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work ?
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can?t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

[itwillgetbettersoon]

OP, please be careful. You mention that if your husband found out today you will discuss it with him. When I found out about my husbands affair I was in no place to discuss it with him! I kicked him out that day. Your husband may do the same - then what? There is no way I would take my husband back - he never had the opportunity. He broke my trust, respect and unconditional love for him. He lives with the OW but it isn't a life I am envious of. Please think again.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Just be honest with him. You married the man, you must be able to speak to him.

You don't have to point a finger at him and blame him for anything. Just tell him that you think the sparkle needs reigniting, or suggest some time out together alone. Do you get much time together?

[HollieHelen]

I have tried other things - gym, running, trying to get a new job, talking about moving house to be closer to family for more support (my family, DH's are overseas). Nothing's helped so far but I know my current behaviour is not the solution.

[AnyFucker]

Car.Crash.Waiting.To.Happen

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Not trying to make excuses for OM but when he cheated before we were really young (teenage) so very different circumstances.

Examine this statement of your own that you made.

When he was young and naive ... he cheated.

When he's matured, married and fathered children ... he cheated.

Yes, two very different circumstances. And what was his response to both? Then and now? To cheat.

Think about this.

The phrase 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is simplistic and often erroneous. But it looks like it applies extraordinarily well to this man.

[musickeepsmesane]

If DH found out today in a way I'd be relieved as I would like to talk through some of this with him

Now you expect him to be understanding and listen while you dump your selfish, toxic waste on him?

[Bossybritches22]

I agree with all the comments above, but lets concentrate on helping the OP move forward given that it seems she has taken on board the advice?

1. Yes you have to end it to give your marriage (& his) a chance. You have to reconnect with both your partners individually.
   
   
2. You don't need to have any soul baring convo with DH just now WRT your emotional affair, but be frank with him that you feel you are drifting apart and want to commit to BOTH of you working on it
   
   
3. I bet he HAS been feeling shut out and disengaged from you even if he doesn't officially know why. Make a list of things you could do together just the two of you AND as a family to try & get some spark back.
   
   You will have to get a grip here, be more proactive and see if you can move forward...good luck.

[Snorbs]

OP, you may find an explanation of limerence enlightening. You have an infatuation. The chemical changes this has caused in your brain is blinding you to reality.

[AuntieStella]

I'm not surprised you feel like a crappy mum. What you are doing right now is indeed crap and the fallout on the children could be huge.

If you want to stop being a crappy mum, you can do it.

It's your decision. Do you end the affair and really work at your marriage? Or do you end your marriage and work to establish a new life that provides well for DC?

Or do you just carry on being crap?

I don't think it matters which man you choose, or how you got into this mess. But how you deal with it now is crucial.

[HollieHelen]

I don't expect DH to be understanding. I know he would be devastated and I don't want to hurt him as he is a good man and deserves more than this.

[Bant]

OP - if you had slept with the OM, I think you should come clean with your H - but you haven't. You don't need to mention it to him but you do need to have the talk with your husband about fixing the marriage. You know that's what you need to do as you can't see yourself leaving him.

Shut out the OM - just do it. He wouldn't work out for you in the future anyway and you're at a point where you can seriously fuck up your life, and your kids lives, if you don't do it now. It'll hurt but it will hurt a lot more if you don't just stop it now.

[CelticPromise]

I haven't read the whole thread, but listen to Euphemia. She speaks sense.

[springymater]

Book a therapist NOW. It looks like you have the means, so book a few sessions a week. You have to speak in RL about this. it makes it real. (you will find reality surprisingly welcome, despite what you may think)

Please, please don't choose your husband as the one you speak to about how unhappy and unfulfilled you are in the marriage. Speak to someone unconnected first. Get yourself sorted a bit and, with the therapist's support, perhaps then start tackling things with your husband.

[howlingcow]

You admit you need to reinvest emotional energy in your dh-is there any way the two of you can get away on your own for a weekend or longer leaving your dc's with parents/friends? Maybe you and dh are in a rut and that's why you're focusing elsewhere.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Some brilliant advice here for you OP especially Charbon. One of my dearest friends got into a very intense crush like this a few years ago. It really was just a crush because she never even spoke to the man, they just exchanged longing glances at the gym/bus stop etc! My friend was in a very difficult place in her life/relationship. Basically she and her DH had had the most awful run of bad luck you can imagine, illness, loss of both their jobs, difficulties with one of their DCs, money worries, family worries. I think my friend was just absolutely looking for some sort of superficial escape. It was as if it was not the "real her" that was fantasising about this man but a sort of dream version of her!

Anyway, I did find it very hard to listen to her sometimes BUT she is a dear friend having a very, very diffcult time. It would seem that after a few months, while things began improving in their lives generally her crush disappeared. Her marriage is not perfect but she and her DH are working on it. I think it is human to be attracted to people outside your relationship occasionally. The difference is whether you act on it.

Whatever you decide to do I really think you need to cut off all contact with the OM for a long period and break yourself of that coping mechanism.

[Ilikethebreeze]

It seem to me, that you have tried all sorts of things re the affair, but the one thing you have not tried very hard withm if at all , is actually talking to your husband about your own marriage.

Why not?

No need to mention the other man at all at this point.
But there seems to have been no emotional energy put into talking through what you would like different from your marriage.
Why not?
What are you afraid of?

[HollieHelen]

Am just afraid DH will think I'm nagging him or asking him to change when he's not done anything wrong. Neither has OM really I've kind of pressured him into this situation. I am such a bad person.
HH

[HollieHelen]

Not been in touch with OM since yesterday now and he has texted but haven't replied and I'm feeling guilty about that too ... Obviously even more guilty about DH and the kids. Just feel really worthless at the moment. Don't expect sympathy as I know I have caused all of this.
HH

[BornToFolk]

If DH found out today in a way I'd be relieved as I would like to talk through some of this with him

That is so incredibly self centred! If your DH found out you'd been betraying him, you'd be relieved so that you could talk about it?! Your DH would be devastated, humiliated, angry, incredibly sad and confused.

And this is not all your problemm, this is not all about you. You are one of a couple, a partnership. You don't seem to have considered the impact on your DH at all, apart from how it will effect your life.

Do you have any respect left for your DH? If you are afraid to have an open, honest talk with him about the state of your relationship then there really is no hope for you, is there?

[Ilikethebreeze]

HH.
Not sure if I am understanding you correctly.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
If one person is not happy about something, they are supposed to tell the other one, so the two people can try and works things out.

I dont think I can understand what it is about your husband that you no longer like.
Perhaps you dont either?
Or you do, but are afraid to say anything, so every thing gets brushed under the carpet.

I think alarm bells rang for me when you said that you do not have rows.
Some people do not have rows in a marriage, because one or either or both are too afraid to say anything at all.

[AuntieStella]

I'm not surprised you feel worthless at the moment, and you are unlikely to recover a sense of self worth whilst you choose to allow yourself to remain passive.

Once you actually break it off, you can then start to get things back on track.

[EuphemiaLennox]

You know Hollie I actually think what you probably need to do is not necessarily discuss this with your dh right now or do anything to address your marriage.

What I think you probably need to do is just work on realising what a good thing you've got, the happiness and contentment you're looking for will come with that realisation.

You've obviously got lovely children who you love very much. Youre married to a man who is a good partner a good father and who is committed to your family. Yiuve won the jackpot but you just can't see it.

I know at least 2 people who's family life has been destroyed in different ways, and they've said that looking back those daily dull days if family life were what happiness is, its just they didnt realise tgat at tge time or until it was to late.

I could almost guarantee you that if you put this affair behind you, address your inner discontentment, and work on enjoying the actual life you have, that in 10 years time, when yiyre children are teens and youve years of memories of family life from their childhoods and you and your dh are celebrating your umpteenth anniversary reflecting on what you've done together in that time and chatting about the kids future plans, you'll have no regrets.

[HollieHelen]

Yes I think you're right I need to work on seeing the good in what I have. The kids are amazing and I love them to bits. I respect DH enormously he is a wonderful dad, dedicated to his job, a good man in all respects really. I need to find a way to reconnect with him emotionally.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hi OP, something you said up thread was a real red flag. I'm no expert but you talked about trying to make it work with your dh because it would be better for the kids.
What about you ? Not better for you, at all?

I think this affair is a fantasy and a wake up call that you are not happy with your dh. This needs addressing irrespective of any affair. I think if it wasn't this affair you'd be with somebody else.
Be honest to yourself and your dh and get it sorted, for everyone's sake.

[EuphemiaLennox]

Sorry for all the typos on my phone.

Hollie I can relate to you as I suspect you're someone who just exists with a feeling of almost constant discontentment for no quantifiable reason, I too suffer with this, but throughout my 30s came to understand this more about myself and how destructive it can be.

Im now in my 40s my marriage is stronger and happier than ever and I'm so glad I've learnt to read myself better,, control myself better and understand what it is I actually do want and what does make me happy.

I think this could be a period for you where you discover a lot about yourself, some of it not good but that's ok because once you recognise something it starts to lose its power, and tge future is instantly more hopeful than if you just keep blindly ploughing the idea that bliss exists somewhere beyond what you have.

Hope im making sense? cant read or edit on phone! !