Fresh Start, no more losers.

[LoserNoMore]

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

I spent months analysing my happy memories. Were they real? Was I deluded about my marriage or about the existence of EA?

Those little memory triggers would leave me mourning my happy marriage or grieving the years I'd wasted in a bad marriage. It caused me lots of angst because I didn't know how to think of it.

It took me ages to decide that it had started well and been v happy so I didnt have to reframe that- I can enjoy those memories
...but deteriorated slowly but badly and I was right to leave. I was married for over 20 yrs. it took a lot of unpicking mentally.

Expect that-you will work through it and don't be surprised by your confusion

I understand that Cabbage. Especially tonight :( So fed up feeling like this. I know it's early days but I can't deal with it. When I'm feeling positive something always happens to knock me back down.

ooft what a busy day here! Been offline all day.
lnm Asking for help is not admitting defeat, it is actually a strong position to be in.

You know you can do it 'your' way but you are asking for a different solution to how to work things out. Try to see things that way if you can.

Glad you enjoyed the beach, I love it there - I can sit and think, or walk for miles and I always feel energised or relaxed, depending on what the situation needs.

Sending you massive hugs. You ARE a fantastic person.

We're back to the Gruffalo? Can't go around it.....

I remember that emotion of utter horror at the thought of going through it. It seemed unbearable. You do have to go through it but you don't have to suffer more than can be helped. You have to work out what is hard and what eases it.

For me:
Hard-seeing him, our songs on the radio, financial worries, intrusive memories, loneliness, perspective of everyone being a couple, DC being dragged in by ex, silly things like realising I'll never have a long history with a life partner (I'm old!)

Helpful things- avoid all contact, switch radio off, take control and stop over thinking, fight the memory and I also did an exercise I found on line which helped with the intruding memories, keep busy, join clubs and plan activities when DC were with him, keep calm with DC and know it will end, new man in my life and the best sex I'd ever had. Accept help, whether it was practical, financial, emotional or intelligent comment

I can now see him easily, the radio is on and I don't notice the songs much if at all, memories are not intrusive and don't hurt or make me grieve if they do happen, I'm actually enjoying being lazy now and don't need to occupy my time to avoid the loneliness, DC and I have a great relationship, finances are solid and I'm better off than ever (no money sucking going on!)

It will happen LNM but will take time. You will also only start to make progress when you are strong enough to deal with it bit by bit. Hence getting help and time away from a life sucking job!

But now to serious matters. I have cramp in my 3rd to 5th toe and no amount of stretching is curing it. Help!

When I say I can now see him and the radio is on. I don't mean now. I mean whenever... Now I'm in bed with a silly expression and a funny posture trying to sort my toes

Italics failure

Great posts all.

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree LNM, you do what you need or don't need to...but it can re orientate you and ease the burden.

Loved the timeless waves and man made crap comparison.
Re shapes me.

My best

see i think that's reality and this stuff is just the mad old crap that people make. the waves will still be breaking long after we're gone

Yes I meant to say what a great comment that was

Thanks for advice again, I am reading it all and taking it in.

, I have been trying to get out of bed for 45 minutes and its not happening. I don't want to face the day, I have a horrible feeling in my stomach, I feel really anxious.

Hey, LNM, not surprised you feel anxious, you've been through the wringer.

Do you have the school run now? Can you go back to bed afterwards and do a relaxation thing? Or watch a silly movie?

You so deserve a break. I wish I was close enough to come round and feed you with cake.

Perhaps I can't identify that well with you - my relationship with ex died while we were still together and I dragged it out. It was fucking painful but by the time I'd found the courage to leave, in many ways I'd relegated it to a box in my head. Didn't stop him harassing me and being extremely unpleasant for the years to come, but I think that because I didn't love him any more, it started not to matter so much.

You are still in fairly early days you know? You still loved him, you still love the good memories of him. That's normal, his recent behaviour skews that because it doesn't add up to the man you knew. Have you considered counselling? I get the impression you'd rather stand on your own two feet & cope alone but believe me, that can come back to bite you on the arse in a big way!

Feel free to tell me I'm completely wrong, I'm trying not to psycho analyse you via the net! (but may have failed to!)

can you watch something in bed on the laptop? iplayer or something? just do mindless distracting stuff and it will pass. i wouldn't even bother digging into it or trying to work it all out iyswim - i would just acknowledge it, as you have done: i feel anxious, and then accept that and just keep yourself vaguely occupied with reading and watching stuff or playing games.

there is nothing you HAVE to be doing or achieving today and it is ok to just pass time treading water and looking after yourself.

LNM try to relax as much as you need to today.

I think anxiety is a very normal physiological response to what you have been through. He really is an arse. It's bad enough what he did but to make it so much worse for you with his subsequent behaviour is really really low

Could you get on a list for counselling?
Consider AD's for a bit? ( I did this for 6 months, really helped )
Find some kind of support group?

Take it VERY easy, drop all the non essentials, have a picnic in bed, get your DC to join you if appropriate.

Have another look at Eckhart Tolle, he has got some amazing teachings that can boost your recovery.

It will all be ok...your life experience this far shows you that...it's always ok...the hardest times often yield the greatest blessings...

Thank you.

Completely forgot it was dd's sports day. I was reminded at 8.55am this morning so I went to that and had to reschedule app with solicitor. You'll never guess who was at sports day? Yip, ex. Bold as brass, swaggering around like butter wouldn't melt. I wasn't prepared for that at all. I'm having wine, probably not the best idea the frame of mind I'm in but fuck it.

He's a grade A arsehole and keeps proving that it is all about him. Unfortunately I reckon his sister is feeding his bullshit about how unreasonable you are being and that none of this is his fault and he's just lapping it up.

Let me know if he comes down Newcastle again, I'll happily spark him out for you.

Enjoy your wine, have some chocolate too.

oh god, what a twunt! Would he normally go to sports day? I know my DH doesnt usually - because he's at work. Not because he doesnt want to.

Anyway, have chocolate, but not too much wine.

Tomorrow is Friday, any plans? What about your rl friends? Contact them and see what everyones up to at weekend and try to do something fun for you.

My ex had a fling with a woman ....who turned up at my DD's sports day. I was incandescent and slightly spooked. I mean why would you attend sports day when you had no children there? He never went, so it wasn't to see him!

Good idea from Jax. Any friends who you can suggest meeting up with to do whatever you fancy (with DC if they are with you?) One of the issues with being a working mum is you become isolated from the normal friendship circles that spring up between mums at the school gates. Time to work really hard at identifying someone in RL who you can help out mutually?

I'm manning a stall at the school fair which I am not looking forward to. Working Sunday and my one day off is spent at the school with a mum who is the stereotypical PTA mother. (Sorry to all genuinely altruistic mums but this one is a nightmare). She is openly rude and flaunts her special relationship with the headmistress at every opportunity hinting at inner knowledge of your DC. Dreading spending time in her company and keeping my gob shut when she's in full flow will be a challenge.

Him being at sports day was just about making a point. At the same time that just illustrates how utterly pathetic he is. Hope you're feeling ok today and having a rest.

Cabbage - I would have found that a bit creepy too. She must have felt out of place?!

LNM, I have followed all your threads but not posted due to a combination of speechlessness and lack of advice.

However I just want to say I'd be more than happy to let my 23m DTD on him. She's going through an ear piercing, soul chilling screeching phase.

Then again, he'd have to have a soul...

Can't we just put him to The Rack?

cabbage you have to practice your "oh really?" face - so that when PTA mum starts her usual spiel you just say, "oh really" and carry on doing what you are doing with total disinterest in what juicy titbit she tries to reel you in with. Can you tell Ive been there, done that!?

LNM happy Friday, hope you are having a lovely day and are mid plan for some fun stuff for weekend.

check in please my lovely, when you get the time. >

Cabbage - there's always one Our new PTA chief thinks she is very special, little does she know that the Head and most of the PTA can't stand her!

you are all making me feel i am doing the right thing by avoiding all pta like activity.

also the oh really face routine reminds me of dealing with my family. my friend and i call it making sure you've got your teflon coating on. speaking of which i have to go deal with them this afternoon. wish me luck.

DD has just walked in and announced PITAPTAW (geddit?) has demanded my presence from 10:30 4:30pm tomorrow

I refuse to be bossed by her.

SAF how is your surgery site?