Fresh Start, no more losers.

[LoserNoMore]

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

Every time you think this is your fault, consider the alternative.
Him cheating while you were oblivious.
You and him reconciled but you not knowing whether you can trust him, every time he gets a text message/leaves the house.

He made these decisions consciously. He acted on them, as an adult, knowing what he was doing and the effect it could have. He wasn't clever enough for you. He doesn't deserve you. he has no-one to blame but himself. He's had more than one warning shot across the bows, he just keeps pushing. Hopefully he will begin to realise just how much he has fucked up.

SAF - I love your advice - make cheesecake, masturbate....sounds like a plan!

I know LittleEsme, I know. Wish he'd get out of my head.

I spelt masturbate wrong, auto correct kept changing it to master ate. I should've known.

If you're dead inside and made him turn away then why is he so desperate to get back with you?

He's just throwing his toys out of the pram and trying to punish you for not letting him do exactly as he pleases.

He's an entitled wanker, it's not your fault and you're better off without him.

What ChipNEggs said

He's just having a tantrum because you've been so bloody unreasonable about him having an affair!!! He'd probably have tolerated a night of cold shouldering ...maybe a week? but you had to go and make a decision that were worth more, didn't you!! Bless his entitled little soul

I suspect you will have many moments of questioning yourself. Men like this make you believe you are the problem. It's an insidious thing.

Your attitude to him and work suggests you have a personality which lends itself to being abused. You'd be a joy to employ or marry because you try hard including putting your own needs aside to meet the unreasonable expectations of others

I would do a bit of work on putting yourself first and trying to work out what has made you like this :)

Not your fault at all. Not even 00.01%.

He did not have to cheat. If he wasn't happy in the relationship he could have separated and been free to see whoever he wanted.

And all the things he's done and said since then. All his choices, his responsibility, his consequences.

You are so much better off without him, you don't need that kind of selfishness in your life. He is a bully.

Have you thought any more about phoning the number the police gave you? It would add weight to your grievance with work, showing that you are genuinely trying everything to get support and advice and I also think it would help enormously to go over your concerns with a trained professional.

Maybe call later this week if you feel up it?

What chipsnegg said!!

And then .....

Make the cheesecake, all your answers lie there!!!!

Try not to be so hard on yourself - its not easy I know. Damn that wanker making you feel like this!!

how fucking dare he! how DARE he say that to you.

None of his actions are your fault - they are all his choices, none were yours. Everything he says and does is designed to hurt you, and make you rethink and doubt yourself. Dont even go there.

He needs a good kick up the arse and you need lots of love and healing time to make sure nobody ever gets to treat you that way again.

SHAME on him. Shame on him.

Chips, I've no idea. If I'm such a horrible person then why would he.

Cabbage, you're right. I have been a walkover. I still am. I try to be more assertive and not take any crap but I can't seem to do it.

Fairenuff, I nearly called the number today but just didn't feel up to it. I will give it more thought and try to do it this week.

Imtheonlyone, I know he's a total wanker and I'm angry with myself for taking up so much time in my thoughts. Not good thoughts or anything, mostly anger and bewilderment.

Jax, I'll never let anyone treat me like that again. Well it was out of my power but his treatment of me afterwards. Whatever happens this will make me stronger, hopefully.

That's the spirit LNM - this will make you stronger without a doubt. You will have a future and a happy one at that. It's all still no new and raw at the moment.

What happened with your ex colleague? Have you heard from him again?

LNM. I do the same people pleasing, seeking to sort things out regardless of personal cost. I've read it's something to do with my childhood...?! Can't remember what and tbh don't care. Upshot is I get very stressed when I can't be perfect, when my loved ones lives cannot be perfect and when I feel unable to achieve the high standards I set myself.

I have changed as I've got older and life has taught me that I cannot control everything. (dammit) and nor am I responsible for everyone and everything (thank gawd).

I'm concerned you'll talk yourself into accepting blame, accepting his version of events and minimising what he has done. Please don't. Ring that number and just talk it through. You are worth the time and effort to put you back together.

Imtheonlyone, We've exchanged texts, we had planned to meet for coffee on Saturday but after what happened and ex not seeing the girls as planned I cancelled. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious right now and he said it was fine, he wasn't interested in rushing anything, he just wanted to catch up and get to know me better. He said to give him a call anytime so I left it at that. On the one hand it's the last thing on my mind but I do like him, he's very sweet. So much going on just now anyway. Maybe a long way down the line.

Cabbage, sounds just like me. I think calling that number is like admitting defeat to me. I think I can cope with everything, it's silly I know that. I do have a habit of burying my head when anything bad or hurtful happens to me. I can lock things up in the back of my mind forever. It's certainly not healthy though. I know it probably sounds quite shocking but I can easily minimise what he's done, everything, but I will never as long as I live forgive him or accept him back. It's hard to explain, I know what he's done is terrible but to protect myself I do minimise it. Sorry I can't explain it.

LNM there is nothing wrong with you, you're not cold or heartless, you sound like a lovely caring person. Your ex knew you very well in that he knows what buttons to hit to make you doubt yourself. Unfortunately, for him, he also made the mistake of thinking kind and caring = walkover who would excuse his disgraceful behaviour.

He knows that he has lost someone special and deep down he knows that he is at fault. He is so selfish that rather than accept that he is trying to twist the blame onto you, I think he believes that he can guilt you into taking him back. Because it is all about him. If you were awful and he didn't want to be with you he'd have stepped away without a backward glance. He wanted everything as he thought he was all that and now he has lost the people that were dearest to him. It is entirely his fault.

I think a move would do you good. Get a home which is just yours and your girls. Maybe lower living costs and less reliance on childcare could allow you to work part time instead of full. Maybe chat with welfare rights or the CAB and see how varying income affects tax credits etc.

If you are interested in living by the coast see if there are any good sea glass beaches nearby. There is a massive sea glass market, seriously do a search on etsy! Nothing clears the head like a stroll on the beach and any glass/pottery can net you a tidy extra income.

You will come out of the other side of this. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it come sooner.

Thanks chips, a magic wand would be great. I've never heard of sea glass beaches I'll have a look. I might even venture to the beach tomorrow myself. It always makes me calm.

Anyway, before I start rambling anymore I'll get to bed.

Goodnight .

Your 22:49 post I could have written. Cognitive dissonance.

Its not about accepting defeat. It's about arming yourself. In your workplace you'd accept advice or a course if tackling something new? This situation counts as 'new'!

You sound like me LNM. It's 18 years tomorrow that I walked away from ex, I've never felt so scared & relieved at the same time. I suspect a history of EA with you & STBX..he's knew your personality and took advantage of it. It is insidious and we don't realise until we step away & look back. My ex would switch between accusations - I was either shagging half the town or I was frigid, I was too possessive or I was detached, too hot tempered or too dispassionate....I could never win. He told dh in the first months of our relationship that he hit me as it was the only way to get through to me...they minimise, they make ridiculous excuses to avoid accepting the truth.

We minimise to survive, because we believe we need to keep going. We don't. We can stop and ask for help, it takes strength and courage to do that. I understand it feels like admitting defeat. I know you feel you want to get on with this on your own, but sometimes we do need support & a helping hand. My Mum's husband once told me (kindly) that my pride would be my undoing. He was right. No (wo)man is an island! Sometimes we need more than our own resources.

That spark inside you, that thing that means you wouldn't take him back, channel that, let it grow. Fight for yourself like you would your dds. You are an amazing strong woman, but asking for help is not a weakness. make that call. You can do it

He is dismantling everything, piece by piece...
He had started on you, he may even use the children, or your relationship with them to break you- til you have nothing left but him.
This relationship is so destructive, get some support LNM, this is abuse, is there a DV outreach somewhere there?

You questioning 'is it me?', that's what these men do.
Undermine you, tell you the truth is a lie so much you start to believe it.
A good bit of outreach will orientate you, some counselling maybe, to help you define those boundaries and keep them strong.
They are also have a wealth of legal info, and are used to dealing with this stuff, these services are here FOR YOU.

Xxx

Womans aid?
I recommended them to a friend ( because of what I'd read on MN ) this friend has been through hell and back, really, but this organisation set her on the path out of there.
Worth a try.
X

I would never have said ex was EA towards me. We had a good relationship, well I thought we did. I don't know, maybe he was and I just didn't see it. He's making up for it now though.

I went to the beach today, didn't want to leave. Hopefully it'll be nice at the weekend and I'll take the girls. Was a bit windy today, sand everywhere. I could literally sit and watch the waves for hours. Back to reality.

see i think that's reality and this stuff is just the mad old crap people make. the waves will still be breaking long after we're gone.

glad my have a wank advice made you giggle. good shot of endorphines from one or the other will do you good.

sore as hell here and feeling wiped out today. have definitely taken it easy. just cooking some good stodgy pasta carbonara then i'll be off to bed.

99.9% is as close to certain as you get about anything imo so don't let that miniscule shadow of doubt take up your time.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to 'diagnose' your relationship. In fact, your refusal to have him back indicates you have good self-esteem. He is certainly out of line at the moment.

I'm glad you enjoyed the beach today. I love hearing waves crashing on rocks. My favourite place in the world is like that. So peaceful yet so active and alive. Fingers crossed you get back there at the weekend

I knew what you meant Lazarus, :)

Waves crashing against rocks remind me of my honeymoon, it was an amazing time. I'm trying not to let it be associated with him though.

Glad you had a lazy day SAF, maybe another one tomorrow will be a good idea.

I'm glad you had a nice honeymoon. Ours was shit It's a good job dh & I had each other! My mum planned it as a present, it was dire!