Fresh Start, no more losers.

[LoserNoMore]

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

LNM so sorry to hear about what happened to you. He is an utter arse and has sunk to even lower depths. Glad the police responded so well and have charged him.

I do think sil is probably totally unaware of what happened. Maybe you could text her 'I don't know where he went after the police charged him with...' then ignore any more messages from her.

It's horrible when so much is out of your control isn't it. If your boss was unhelpful I see no reason why you shouldn't get signed off again. If you move to a new area you can give that as a reason for leaving your job, so it won't really matter how or when you get out of this one.

Hope you manage to have a pleasant afternoon. If he has gone missing, who is looking after the girls, or have I got the days mixed up?

Saf good to hear the op went well. Look after yourself x

They girls had sleepovers at friends last night Fairenuff. It was meant to be his weekend with them but under the circumstances it wasn't happening.

I really want to quit the job, the stress of it on top of everything else is too much but I can't afford to, plus I'd burn my bridges getting a reference wouldn't I?

I don't know, I've never felt so undecided and torn up before in my life. I want to just run, away from here, away from the job and away from the memories this place has, just me and dd's :(

SaF. Glad the op went well. I hope recovery is straightforward.

LNM I think a complete break from ex, SiL and work will do you the world of good. I completely agree with a non engagement with SiL. He is not your concern. You are obviously not her concern. It's selfish to contact you.

Job.... Sick leave and a return later on would mean you get paid. Nothing to stop you job hunting in the meantime. Not sure how references work in the private sector but NHS ...we can't mention sick leave and the reference is just a formality. Employment law means that you daren't say anything that's meaningful!!

Thanks cabbage, I really couldn't care less about the job but I know it'd be a rash decision to just quit even though its what I'd like to do just now.

SAF, I'm glad the op went well, take it easy

LNM I second that - sick leave now. Return to work as a formality when you're ready. Job hunt and house hunt in meantime.

Start to de clutter your house, attic etc because a move to the coast is definitely on the cards for you.

You may not feel it now, but you are gathering strength and getting stronger. You have been pushed and pushed and still you don't break. Hang on in there but focus your mind now.

Do you have any friends that can advise you on relocating?

Keep in mind that new life and plan a strategy. Small steps to the big goal. Do something no matter how small on a regular basis to get you to the goal

SAF, glad all went well. [healing vibes coming your way]

LNM - what a bloody week.

Get yourself a plan -
1, signed off work - for your health; it needs to be done, mentally and physically.

2, while off work, look for new place to move to and new job.
3, if you need any help on W Coast give me a shout.
4, due to employment law nobody is 'allowed' to give a bad reference, so dont add that to list of worries.

5

I don't LittleEsme, I'm debating if I should give 3 weeks notice tomorrow and just see it out until then. That gives me until the summer holidays and I can spend the holidays job hunting and house hunting. Plus I'll get paid. I have some savings I can use to tide me over. If I know I only have 3 weeks left working there it will be more bearable with light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand I feel like the slightest thing will make me crack. Wish I could decide.

Thanks Jax, a proper hug is well needed right now.

Why won't you get signed off with stress?

You need a job. It's easier to get a job whilst employed.

I'm just worried about my sickness record the past couple of months. I don't want it to ruin a future job. I know what you mean though. I feel like everything is just damn hard to deal with. I don't know what I'm doing. If I get signed off from work it's going to be hanging over my head that I'll be going back and worrying about it.

LNM you have to do what is right for you. If you need to leave that place, then that's ok, you can do it. However, I would advise you not to rush into any decision just now. You have options. You only have to face each day at a time.

How about getting signed off for now and taking some time to think things through. If all your past work history is pretty good and you don't have long gaps or absences, I don't think one bout of prolonged sickness will affect your job prospects.

You are also probably in shock at the moment from recent events. Could you ask police if they offer a counselling service? If not, ask your gp what is available. I really think it would help to talk to someone in rl.

LNM - really sorry to catch up now and see what has happened this week. I have no real advice for you but am thinking of you, please take some sick leave and take care of yourself. (This is from a 'you have to be dying' to call in sick person).

Hugs.

I have a number the police gave me, Fairenuff. I'll thin about calling tomorrow. Thanks.

God, I can't believe things could have got any worse.

just get signed off for now. i can't remember if you are in a union or not. but being forced to resign because the job is untenable and making you ill and they are refusing to do anything about it is constructive dismissal anyway i believe.

get signed off for two weeks and during that time write a letter to your boss cc'ing big bosses listing communications you've had asking her to address things and telling her that it is affecting your health and listing everytrhing that has been going on and asking what can be done to address your concerns.

then keep getting signed off sick till it is resolved. find out who takes care of occupational health for your company also because you should be able to see someone there if you have a longish time off sick to negotiate a return to work with better conditions.

i really wouldn't quit. and this won't ruin future chances with another job. if you can't get them to sort your job out and you get in talks with OH and HR you will, if worst comes to worst, be able to negotiate to resign with a certain amount of full pay and an agreed reference for future employers.

please don't quit - this is what they rely on. go to the gp and get signed off take the antidepressants off of them if that's what they seem to want/need you to do (you don't have to take them obviously, you can just say you're taking them) and take it from there. first sign off should be for a fortnight.

Don't quit.

Perhaps the NHS is slightly different than private because we don't see a sickness record at all. Nothing.

You could have gone sick every Monday and every Friday for the last year and it would not flag up.

What I base employment on is how you come across in interview and have you got the right qualifications and experience. How you come across is very important ...which means you keeping your sanity whilst going through several of the most stressful situations is paramount.

See the GP. Explain everything. The lot. Personal then work situation. Then say you feel you are going to crack and would like some time from work. Your health is at stake here. Your kids need you. You cannot be there for them if you're falling apart. You will fall apart. You're human. So...you do have to take steps to sort this out.

I won't stop saying this until you see your GP. :)

You could always explain extended periods of sick leave in a job application form where it states 'any other information' - obviously you can give as much information as you choose, but given the circumstances it is not remotely unreasonable of you to consider being signed off and any future employer should be able to understand/respect that.

SAF's advice seems very good.

I'm sorry that things have got worse :(

LNM just wanted to add my support. When we're going through terrible things, the 'copers' in life (of which you're clearly one!) tend to think "Oh it's OK, I can carry on, I need to carry on, I should be able to deal with this" whereas many many others in your situation would be a gibbering wreck by now. It takes strength to ask for and accept help and allow yourself to BE helped. You have plenty of strength, we know that. You need to use it to get yourself some time and space to recover from all of this.

If you read on here about someone who's been through what you've been through in the last month or so, you'd probably think "Oh my God how is she coping? I'd be a wailing puddle on the floor". But you have coped. And it's OK to say to GP / work "actually you know what? I can't do this any more without a bit of time to recharge. I need to take some time out to recover."

Even without everything you've been going through with Ex-H, your work situation sounds enough to have driven most people to the edge. Add that to a cheating ex-H who's now scaring you, assaulting you and who knows what else, I think it's about time you gave yourself permission to get all the help you need from your GP, get signed off indefinitely and do as everyone ^^ has said, write everything out in an email to your boss and their boss / HR etc detailing everything that's happened and the unreasonable demands being made on you.

Then take time to heal. And job hunt. And house hunt. Online, while wrapped up on the sofa with a blanket and a hot chocolate.

Huge hugs. We're all here. If you need help to make a plan / prioritise or anything like that just ask, we'll all do anything we can to help you create a happier, more secure future for you and your DDs xx

LNM so sorry to hear that things have got even worse for you

I echo what others have said that you should get signed off for a while.

Use the time to rest, job hunt, rest, house hunt and rest some more.

Also write to your boss and her boss explaining again how your job is untenable, mention how disappointed you are that despite discussing this with your boss on numerous occasions nothing has been done to improve the situation.

As long as you keep making an effort to address the problem with your employers (and you keep records of this) and they do nothing you are moving into a stronger position to take action against them or at least negotiate a way to leave quietly with great references.

Check your employment contract for grievance procedures. The law is on your side.

I'm sorry you are having such a shitty time. I hope things get better and you are soon living by a beach with a lovely job and miles away from STBXH. Places cosmic order with Noel Edmonds

Thank you, I didn't quit. I have a sick line for 2 weeks.

Dropped dd's at school this morning, went to doctors and was back in bed for 9.45 and I have just woke up! Still feel tired though

Well I think we can conclude... You needed that :)

You've done the right thing. Give yourself time to recover physically and mentally to a point when you can consider your options and some activity. I think you should view these two weeks as 'for starters'.

Your target is to feel better, start your escape plan and consolidate any activities to ensure your safety including a solicitor visit.

I am pleased to hear you've been signed off. I'll bet the doctor didn't hesitate in doing it either?! Well done. And first day spent very productively too you obviously needed that and deserve it too.

I would defo go with the others who have posted about writing to your boss and any other boss above them about how you have raised concerns about your working conditions and that you can't continue. That seems like a really good idea.

No one can think any less of you for having time off work when you're going through all this. A break up when you've discovered a cheating partner is quite hard enough - without having to deal with everything that he's thrown at you! I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we are all sill in awe of how you are dealing with all of this. Every episode you get through will make you stronger and in a better position to deal with what comes next.

I can see you are already making plans for your future which is great. You probably do need space between you and ex as that will eliminate the turning up pissed as a fart nonsense. And don't you dare give him your address either. When he comes to pick girls up (and don't go out of your way to drop off or pick up either - I never do, my ex does a 100 mile round trip when he picks my boys up!) meet him somewhere close to where you live and make sure he doesn't follow you home!!

I hope you start to see the woods from the trees soon. It takes time. Relax and don't even consider thinking about your current job for the next two weeks!

Sending you and

I'm still here LNM. I can't add anymore to the sound advice given. But I'm still here and holding your hand.

Ah thank you, it means a lot.

I have an app with solicitor this Thursdsy. I don't know how things are going to work with regards to dd's seeing ex. I don't want to have to speak to him. Don't even know where he is. It's just a mess.

If he doesn't see then for a month...then so be it. I really would not normally suggest DC don't see their father but I think there are more important and extenuating circumstances here.

Don't feel under pressure to arrange anything yet. Give yourself time and consult the sol before agreeing to anything. He can collect from a third party and you avoid all contact. I would suggest this anyway with regard to everything. I had a separate e-mail set up and all correspondence went there. If he used my e-mail I ignored. Regardless of all efforts to force me to respond. It took perseverance but eventually worked. We no longer need this but it worked until he could behave

I too went down the police route. It seemed impossible that we would get to this point - it was all too horrific

It was necessary

Don't let him be your concern right now. Focus on yourself and your girls. It's up to him now to sort out his own mess.