I feel want to cry and really don't know what's the best thing to do with a forgettable husband!

[whosthis]

DS is 7 months. I am at Maternity leave but not enjoying it at all. DS is a fussy baby easily can cry for hours and doesn't like falling into sleep and therefore always exhausting at nap time or bedtime. I just posted on the other section that I didn't manage to do anything for myself the entire Maternity time at home. I often found myself exhausted (mainly mentally) at the end of a day but couldn't think of what has been done. I routinely skip breakfast now and lunch is often after 2pm ot even 3pm. DS has been colicy all these months and it takes ages to feed him and burp him. Then a couple of hours after, feeding time again...

Feeling want to cry just now. Planned to settle DS into cot earlier as he slept really poorly last night. Dinner done in time just before DH came back. As usual, I left him to eat first while I went upstairs to settle DS. He's fed earlier, but then he managed to fight for about an hour before giving in and fell into sleep.

I then came downstairs, feeling want to scream when I saw the kitchen to tidy up. I resigned to a sigh, and told DH we would need to distribute tasks after I go back to work. He agreed with no reservation.

I then went to the dining table about to have my already dead cold dinner. I had hard time to control myself when I saw DH didn't even think of cleaning his own plate. At that moment, I really wanted to scream, to shout and to cry...

This man is spoilt. I have been always thinking he's a lot more tired than I am at work and he left home earlier than me but came back later. We had a fee times talk on this subject, he "always agreed" saying "yes, I will -try- to do more". I know he meant it, but he never ever remember to volunteer doing any day-to-day housework. During my entire pregnancy, he barely helped on anything. He only did a few times dishes right after we had the "talk". He hasn't cooked a meal for over two years. He didn't even manage to "remember" picking up his dirty socks and pants into the laundry until lately I made it clear that I had enough.

I know (I do) he's genuinely with good intention. But somehow, in his brain, he is just not capable of keep it in mind. He's literally not moving a finger during the week.

I know I spoiled him. But first of all, I don't want to "instruct" him each time to do this or that. Should he be a capable adult to see what can be helpful?

Secondly, I seriously DO NOT UNDERSTAND , are all men like this, promising one thing with their full heart and then forget right away as soon as the topic cools down?

Yes indeed.
I do however know which group I m feeling the more nervous for.

I agree not all men are the same and it's not a genetic imperative to be an inconsiderate arse.

I come from a Mediterranean country where sexism is still alive and well, especially amongst the older generations - my grandfather waited for my Granny to turn down the bed ( peel the linen slightly back in a dainty fold) before he went to bed.

He once hovered and said he couldn't go to bed because she hadn't done it. When she died, he managed to get into bed by himself ok. Surprisingly.

OP

Your options:

Stop doing things for him. Split bloody plates if you have to and make him wash them if you must

Work strictly as a team. You only do things for him or the house when he is doing sonething as well. After work that includes baby too.

Leave the bastard. - keep always as a clear option in case he refuses to contribute at home. Tell him that.

Hope for the best, stay as you are and wreck your health, physical and mental.

Get a cleaner or a maid.

Ps- have you been to the gp about your baby.

Poppy, my granda is the same. Grandma did everything in the house until she had a nasty fall, which was the onset of numerous illnesses and is badly incapacitated. He now does everything from washing to clipping her toenails. Yes, because he's had to, but does them without question. My grandma feels completely out of sorts now.

Some women, me included to a degree, assign themselves to gender roles. Personally, I'm happy that I have my big burly, 6'3 manbeast who makes me feel all protected, marvels at me putting on my make up where his beauty regime consists of Zest soap and Lynx but who can show me how to drive an excavator and is still confused when I try and tell him the off side rule in football.

I work in, what may be considered, traditionally a male role. I've been fortunate to have only once come across blatant sexism from a man (guy was 60's, made inappropriate comments on where I should be). On the other side, my GFs don't see what I find appealing about what I do and have been sneered at by some women in the office. I won't take any nonsense from anyone, male or female - gender aside.

Lewji talks sense!

I just went out. Took the baby and went to groups, walks etc.

He has to help to stop the house being a boom site. Don't take on the martyr role, if it's not your job Don't Do it.

And I know it's hard but part if having a baby is relinquishing control of nap times - just accept that baby is not going to sleep sometimes, this too shall pass, and try and do something youwant to do - visit a friend? Go to an art gallery? Seaside?

When I've seen/heard men admitting they are lazy it's usually in a jokey, almost boasting sort of tone as though they are proud of the fact that they get out of doing most of the housework and let their wife or girlfriend take the strain.

I hear women at work, women who do shift work evenings and nights talking about how they have to rush home after nightshift to make sure their DP has got kids dressed/ ready fur school etc and I do think

But so many other men are brilliant at sharing housework and childcare.

We were in a similar place when our DD1 was about the same age - I remember telling DH that I was seriously considering leaving him as he was more of a hindrance than a help and I wasn't prepared to look after him as well as the baby.

We did do an element of the To Do list - but you have to also step back and just let him get on with it. The worst thing is to badger them to pull their weight and then complain when it isn't done to standard.

I'd advise leaving him with the house and baby as soon as you can - preferably a nice long day so that he can experience firsthand what needs to happen domestically. Then let him deal with it as best he can. Accept that somethings will get done differently. And those that you can not live with his standards, do your self.

So - for example, DH is now cooking again regularly. He's badly deskilled and none of us enjoy it much - but we just eat it. He'll improve with time. He now cleans the kitchen as often as I do and has been known to hoover. We are slowly creeping back towards a more equitable division of domestic labour - more because I have just left a vacuum now then I am working than because of the years of incessant To Do Lists.

However, he is NOT allowed to load the dish washer - cos he's crap at it. I know that, if I go out for an evening, he'll deliberately run it with nothing in but a few badly arranged plates and pans - just to piss me off. Bastard.