I feel want to cry and really don't know what's the best thing to do with a forgettable husband!

[whosthis]

DS is 7 months. I am at Maternity leave but not enjoying it at all. DS is a fussy baby easily can cry for hours and doesn't like falling into sleep and therefore always exhausting at nap time or bedtime. I just posted on the other section that I didn't manage to do anything for myself the entire Maternity time at home. I often found myself exhausted (mainly mentally) at the end of a day but couldn't think of what has been done. I routinely skip breakfast now and lunch is often after 2pm ot even 3pm. DS has been colicy all these months and it takes ages to feed him and burp him. Then a couple of hours after, feeding time again...

Feeling want to cry just now. Planned to settle DS into cot earlier as he slept really poorly last night. Dinner done in time just before DH came back. As usual, I left him to eat first while I went upstairs to settle DS. He's fed earlier, but then he managed to fight for about an hour before giving in and fell into sleep.

I then came downstairs, feeling want to scream when I saw the kitchen to tidy up. I resigned to a sigh, and told DH we would need to distribute tasks after I go back to work. He agreed with no reservation.

I then went to the dining table about to have my already dead cold dinner. I had hard time to control myself when I saw DH didn't even think of cleaning his own plate. At that moment, I really wanted to scream, to shout and to cry...

This man is spoilt. I have been always thinking he's a lot more tired than I am at work and he left home earlier than me but came back later. We had a fee times talk on this subject, he "always agreed" saying "yes, I will -try- to do more". I know he meant it, but he never ever remember to volunteer doing any day-to-day housework. During my entire pregnancy, he barely helped on anything. He only did a few times dishes right after we had the "talk". He hasn't cooked a meal for over two years. He didn't even manage to "remember" picking up his dirty socks and pants into the laundry until lately I made it clear that I had enough.

I know (I do) he's genuinely with good intention. But somehow, in his brain, he is just not capable of keep it in mind. He's literally not moving a finger during the week.

I know I spoiled him. But first of all, I don't want to "instruct" him each time to do this or that. Should he be a capable adult to see what can be helpful?

Secondly, I seriously DO NOT UNDERSTAND , are all men like this, promising one thing with their full heart and then forget right away as soon as the topic cools down?

He just can't think himself or being proactive.

At risk of repeating myself, would he put this on his CV? If he can do it at work, he can do it at home.

Glad the thread has been helpful for you. Don't back down; he needs to step up.

" He just can't think himself or being proactive.

At risk of repeating myself, would he put this on his CV? If he can do it at work, he can do it at home."

Yes exactly. If he can hold down a job, he can indeed think for himself and be proactive. He chooses not to be at home.

I'm sorry but this is sexism.

If I had to be reminded continually to put petrol in the car or take it for a service, or suddenly developed a sensory deficit when the warning signs and sounds kicked into action while driving and then had to be reminded or asked to sort it, I'd bloody expect my husband to give me a kick up the arse for being a sexist and for assuming that cars were men's domain.

He doesn't have to because I'm an adult and I'm not a sexist.

Just because he'll do something when asked, doesn't mean he's not a sexist.

OP, you have a son, your DH has got to get his act together before your DS starts noticing.

I agree that both parents play a part in this. But it's not always a lazy, sexist father, enabling mother scenario. My DH needed some training around this subject but it wasn't because his Dad didn't do anything, it was because his parents as a team did everything. They had one boy and one girl and neither were taught to do much around the house. SIL's DH and I have had a couple of laughs about what they did and didn't know how to do when we moved in with them.

Badinage - I disagree and as you don't have a crystal ball to look into how my DP was raised I can judge the situation far better than you! My FIL did actually cook in the house and helped out but my MIL is the biggest control freak going who has actually taught her sons that it is a woman's role to cook, clean and they should dominate their wives.

A family friend told us that my MIL boasted that in her family she controls all her DIL's as her sons listen to their mother before their wives - apparently we did not move without MIL's say so. She was always very dominating and still is.

You must be very naive if you think that some women do not perpetuate the worst crimes against other women and actively encourage their sons to be dominating bullies. Luckily my DP knew his own mind and so we were okay but all my early arguments with him were instigated by his mother and she still asks what I have cooked for her son!. And its worse in other cultures my SIL was in a bed next to a young Pakistani lady the midwife was about to take her into the labour ward. The midwife asked the young lady do you want any pain relief? And the Pakistani's MIL replied for her saying no, I don't believe in epidurals.

I'm far from naive.

Neither do I think that FILs who 'help out' in the house rather than insisting on doing their share - and stand by while their partners bully their children and those children's partners, should be let off the hook.

Nor do I think a health professional would take a blind bit of notice of someone who had no legal jurisdiction over someone else's pain relief decisions.

Badinage - well actually the health professional did take the MIL's opinion as the young girl couldn't speak any English!

The fact is there are lots of cultures in this world who think its the women's role to take on the majority of the housework and childcare and the sad thing is that it's women who also reinforce this cycle rather than try and bring an end to it. I wouldn't let my father in law off the hook but women are sometimes they're their own worst enemy! Mothers could help shape their sons views in a positive way and its so disappointing when they choose not to.

Monka the HCP would only have acted on the MIL's opinion if she had legal jurisdiction to make decisions on the young woman's behalf. No professional would take a MIL's say-so without covering their backs, but as this story came from your friend who wouldn't have known the ins-and-outs and you weren't there yourself, I'd take it all with a liberal pinch of salt frankly.

It's precisely because I do think that women need to raise their expectations in their own relationships and of their sons that I post so much about the politics of housework. But men who do fuck all or who parent their children to expect men to do fuck all are not less blameworthy than women and mothers who reinforce this rubbish.

On nearly every thread about housework and lazy men, women get the rough end of the deal; either the tired and frazzled partner, the MIL who spoilt her sons or the cleaner that someone always suggests hiring to sidestep the problem of men's laziness and women's enablement of it.

So usually me, Seeker, Anyfucker and a few other feminists come on to redress the balance and ask what about the Menz?

Can you leave a list on the fridge of things he needs to do each day and instead of you having to repeat yourself over and over again, he just has to remember to look at the list?

we should just put it on repeat, badinage

in fact there should a smilie depicting a bloke with a gormless expression and his feet up on a stool, save us typing it out

I shall request it

Oi, put me on that list of people who come in too!

BTW, OP, my partner has come in and put the washing on straight away...I say this not because he is perfect (as if) but to point out that with all his funny little male chromosomes he's still able to put pants into the machine. And will then put the delicates in. And will, obviously, wash up his cutlery and so forth.

Sorry mother

I think there should be two emoticons. One showing a bloke with full use of his faculties when he's at work or anywhere else - and another to depict his complete loss of sight, hearing and in fact any mental faculties whatsoever when he passes over the threshold that is home. It seems to be a national disease that affects some men if this board is anything to go by

I would like not to notice housework or cooking, really. It would be terrific to be able to get out of doing it on account of my chromosomal wiring. I'd be fabulously binary if I thought I could get away with it.

,He explains, that without shouting, I've got to say 'M, pick up your pants off the bedroom floor' about 3 times a day for 3 weeks and the habit of him not dropping his pants at his arse will cease.'

bwahahahahahahahahahahaARRRRRRRRGH

how are you still with that man, poster who said this??

otherwise, i'm with badinage

I don't think this is a sex issue per se.

Y'know, a lot of people - men AND women - just do not give a shit about housework. That's why so many single men live like students. They don't care and they don't notice. They'll wash their clothes, sheets and crockery when they need to, and never hoover. It's not malice, it's laziness and not caring.

I'm a woman and I loathe housework. But not only do I loathe it, I don't notice it - I just had a wee and was staring absently at the floor. I finally dawned on me that there were little bits of paper all over it. I remembered that DD2 had shredded a toilet roll that morning and I just hadn't noticed for 8 hours. I'd stepped over them about 10 times.

I've got much better - because I had to, my DH was fed up of living in a pig sty (he more than pulls his weight) and it wasn't fair on my daughters. And I write myself lists so that I don't, for example, come to bed totally knackered and be confronted with a stripped bed and no clean sheets AGAIN.

So, basically the menz rubbish housework people should do more. Of course they should. But people are shit at doing things because they should. Therefore, nothing wrong with lists until you get into the habit.

And before you ask, I grew up with a housekeeper. Things became washed. Linens were changed. It all happened magically. So I definitely blame they way you were brought up.

And I still haven't picked up the toilet paper. I'll do it when I go to bed. sigh. or DH will do it

And in case anyone is interested they're not I am extremely good at my job. But I had a tea cup on my desk for weeks before someone asked if I was trying to create a new civilisation and I saw it was full of mould. I just stopped noticing it. If someone smeared shit on the office carpet I probably wouldn't notice that either.

There you are, badinage,anyfucker, motherinferior and others, it's not a gender issue at all- women are just as bad. Worse, probably. And in fact, it's men who have to put up with thoughtless and messy women. How could we have got it so wrong...........

Please find me three more examples of women like you, Panpiper, and three more examples of men. I suspect - I may be wrong - that you will find the latter easier than the former.

I am.with panpiper. I hate housework and only do it when absolutely necessary. Frankly I have better things to.do.with my time than worry about whether I can eat tea off the floor.

My house is relatively tidy and clean ish but I tend to only do the hoovering if we have ppl coming over etc.

I would rather spend my free time out with the dog or kids or with my dp.

motherinferior I can, and easily. But it might be the industry I'm in. We're all either chronically filthy or OCD.

Look, I'm not suggesting I'm a hero. I'm not, I'm a spoiled lazy cow who grew up like a princess. Which proves your point about the lazy menz and reasons thereof. But until everything is fair and equal and people think of others and don't expect the more caring/more observant person in the partnership to do all the work, write the fucking list

It's like the standing up in the tube when pregnant thing. Of course people should offer you their seats. Of course. But people are lazy and unobservant. So ask them to stand up rather than standing there feeling bitter and tired FGS.

Pan, what happens when you keep asking and you get ignored ?

or told to do it yourself because it's women's work

or get dirty looks from your partner when he comes in fro work and constant digs like "what have you been doing all day ?"

etc etc

that's a very simple view of life you have there...just ask and it shall be done

how lovely that would be if everyone could do that, and be heard

clearly OP cannot...and neither can very many other women

I loathe all this 'man thing' bollocks.

My dh worked long days, had a horrible commute and came home to me and babies/young kids and just took over.

He cleaned the house/washed/ironed/shopped/cooked/cleaned up. And quite right too, I was knackered.

My friends that married & thought they had to mother their husbands are mightily bored of it now & resentful, 10+ years in.

Of course, these women think my husband is some sort of superman. He isn't. He's just an adult in an adult partnership who married someone that had no interest in mothering/spoiling him.

OP, I suspect you have a lot of changes to make. Good luck.

It's absurd to de-gender housework. Just absurd.

You could start by looking at this.

You could go on by looking at the threads on MN.

My DH does housework, cooking etc. It's not difficult to do and not beyond him just because he's got a penis. Having a cleaner helps us but we both keep on top of the day to day stuff. His standards are much higher than mine in fact.

I hate the attitude that men should "help" around the house. It's their house! Their mess! It is theirs to sort out not help with.