I feel want to cry and really don't know what's the best thing to do with a forgettable husband!

[whosthis]

DS is 7 months. I am at Maternity leave but not enjoying it at all. DS is a fussy baby easily can cry for hours and doesn't like falling into sleep and therefore always exhausting at nap time or bedtime. I just posted on the other section that I didn't manage to do anything for myself the entire Maternity time at home. I often found myself exhausted (mainly mentally) at the end of a day but couldn't think of what has been done. I routinely skip breakfast now and lunch is often after 2pm ot even 3pm. DS has been colicy all these months and it takes ages to feed him and burp him. Then a couple of hours after, feeding time again...

Feeling want to cry just now. Planned to settle DS into cot earlier as he slept really poorly last night. Dinner done in time just before DH came back. As usual, I left him to eat first while I went upstairs to settle DS. He's fed earlier, but then he managed to fight for about an hour before giving in and fell into sleep.

I then came downstairs, feeling want to scream when I saw the kitchen to tidy up. I resigned to a sigh, and told DH we would need to distribute tasks after I go back to work. He agreed with no reservation.

I then went to the dining table about to have my already dead cold dinner. I had hard time to control myself when I saw DH didn't even think of cleaning his own plate. At that moment, I really wanted to scream, to shout and to cry...

This man is spoilt. I have been always thinking he's a lot more tired than I am at work and he left home earlier than me but came back later. We had a fee times talk on this subject, he "always agreed" saying "yes, I will -try- to do more". I know he meant it, but he never ever remember to volunteer doing any day-to-day housework. During my entire pregnancy, he barely helped on anything. He only did a few times dishes right after we had the "talk". He hasn't cooked a meal for over two years. He didn't even manage to "remember" picking up his dirty socks and pants into the laundry until lately I made it clear that I had enough.

I know (I do) he's genuinely with good intention. But somehow, in his brain, he is just not capable of keep it in mind. He's literally not moving a finger during the week.

I know I spoiled him. But first of all, I don't want to "instruct" him each time to do this or that. Should he be a capable adult to see what can be helpful?

Secondly, I seriously DO NOT UNDERSTAND , are all men like this, promising one thing with their full heart and then forget right away as soon as the topic cools down?

AF Actually the OP has said that she won't write him a list because she expects him to know what to do, to notice the mess and see it the way she does.

She has stated that when she gets upset he tries to do his best then it just drifts out of his head again. In this particular situation I think writing him a bloody list is a damn good start.

This is my opinion in this situation. I can't, and wouldn't, comment on other (hypothetical) situations or women. Surely all advice/opinions should be offered case-by-case rather than tempering it because there are worse situations out there?

Joan, 'twas me who said that! And, not backtracking, but it was actually in the context of behavioural safety/workplace psychology and not because he leaves his pants on the floor (although he does do this!).

One of the many reasons I'm with him, is that we gel, we're very similar in our thinking and behaviours and don't tend to sweat, what we class, at the small stuff. He doesn't rinse the sink after brushing his teeth, i don't throw away facial wipes after using them. He doesn't cook well, I'm shit ironing. Not a gender thing at all, just he's shit at stuff, I'm shit at stuff. But we're the best together at doing good stuff and shit stuff. That's just us.

Panpiper, I too am one of these women! I notice it eventually!

I am the same as panpiper. But this is still an extremely gendered issue. As I said before, just because some women are messy too it doesn't negate all of the social conditioning crap. And it is absolutely down to not seeing it as your responsibility - no matter how hard I people try to pass it off as procrastination. Bollocks - that's called hoping someone else will get fed up or take pity on you and do it first.

I mean, DP and I often joke that he is the woman in the relationship and I am the man! Of course it's a gendered issue.

Hahaha Yoni, my DP says I'm the masculine one in our house too! It's only because he's jealous that I can burp louder than him and use the word cunt in easier context than him.

I would like to point out BTW that I'm not at all happy about being the third example and therefore disproving motherinferior's point, although if you take into consideration this is a female dominated site, the fact men are less likely to notice that they don't notice this stuff and count the examples on this thread where female posters have stated that their male partner is like this too, I think it still stands.

Especially the part that as women if we are lazy/messy/don't see housework we are aware of this. Because of the gender bias men who are like this are much less likely to be aware of this fact. Women notice that they don't notice housework!

Yoni, women tend to admit they are lazy

I don't see too many men described on these types of threads who admit it is their own laziness at fault...they are usually too busy blaming everything on their female partner, or denying that the shitwork is even anything for them to be concerned about at all

that is the difference

I don't think the OPs DH falls into either if those camps though AF, although not intimated by the OP as far ask can see. What I've interpreted the tone of the thread is that he needs to be asked time and time again to do stuff - as the OP puts it 'forgetful'. I don't, personally, see it as forgetful, not sure what his reason is TBH, but I'm certainly not going to brand him a woman hating mysogynist (sp) who's been pampered his entire life, aided by women who condone the behaviour who in turn are anti-feminism. Which, IMO, is what's been alluded to at times on this thread.

Totally agree. I'm also lazy about mess. I can choose to ignore it. But I don't and the reason for that is because I know it impacts on the other people that I live with. So I make lists for myself and set myself daily tasks and do my best not to let my disorganisation and untidiness make other people miserable. Because it's my responsibility.

I think that's very different to expecting someone else to be my manager and do all the planning/thinking part of running the house for me while I just do the jobs they tell me to. Even if that doesn't come naturally to me.

Panpiper - I am like you. Am currently sahm, god help us. I am pulling myself together because am married to neatfreak DH who more than pulls his weight in the house and therefore it would be clearly unacceptable to let him come home to a tip but I could do far far far more with my day domestically. If a husband I would be a great disappointment to many women.

I too am v good at my profession, have no problems with overtime, working when kids are in bed etc when employed... am absolutely not lazy in any arena except domesticity. I hate cleaning, I hate cooking, I hate thinking about cooking, I hate hate hate all of it. Will hopefully not be SAHM or much longer as I spend the whole day doing, or putting off doing things I hate. I could sit at a desk and work around the clock under pressure til the cows come home.

Not sure why I'm joining this discussion. needed to get something off my chest clearly!

I did have a point which kicked me off. Anyfucker (who I generally agree with lots when lurking!) said women tend to agree they are lazy. Hmmm I would admit to myself and a couple of good friends and anonymously here but not to DH, never ever say I couldn't be arsed to do whatever I haven't done, oh no..

Can manage without sleep though so that's my currency in the relationship (would bloody love a lie in though DH you lazy sod!)

Yep. People forget things they'd rather not do, but how many times has someone seen a bloke look up, smack himself on the forehead because he forgot to go to the football or golf.

He's taking the piss and if the roles were reversed she'd be taking the piss, I'm the most manly washer upper, ironer, duster, polisher, cook and bottle washer I know. I forget the odd thing but I live with my DP, not a skivvy, the quicker we both get stuff done, the quicker we both get to sit down. Simples

I don't know how tight money is but a cleaner twice a week will provide a job to someone who needs the extra cash and reduce stress in your relationship. Ask him to put in overtime at work. For people in new relationships..start how you intend to continue.best eihes

I see quite a few women on this thread alone falling over themselves to admit they are lazy housekeepers

Have never, ever heard a bloke say it

I don't think there's a man brave enough to come on here and admit that AF!

really, Kitty ?

this site is trolled by woman-hating anti feminists on a semi-regular basis

I am surprised to not see every Tom, Dick and Harry on here telling us that we should stop fannying around on MN and get back to the kitchen sink

My man is like this. He is just so genuinely forgetful and absent minded, he can get very easily distracted by his thoughts and forget things, not just at the detriment to me/us/the house but to him too.. It is his personality and it is very difficult to change that. But he doesnt mean to, and he means well. Sometimes he gets so absorbed in a project or task that other obvious things get missed. But then there are definately times when I think he is just pigging bone idle lazy!!! I find what works for us is to ensure that if I have been doing more than my fair share of housework, I gently remind him I have done all/most of the dishes this week (example) and then I just refuse to do anymore- its his turn. I don't tell him this necessarily, but he soon gets the message and starts pulling his weight again. Or I invite parents round so he has to tidy LOL. Also, because he is so forgetful and sometimes cannot see things that need doing, I write him a 'to do' list. He responds really well to this- he needs the direction and for it to be there in black and white. Sympathies. It sounds like with you he doesn't appreciate you, and that would be upsetting me more I think. He is taking advantage and theres only so much of that anyone can take before they snap. For GOOD. Gently remind him of this fact! x

You probably would though anyfucker, if in a totally safe environment and not involving a discussion specifically related to the state of their relationship adn certainly not involving the person who is picking up the slack.

I guess I was drawn to the gender issue - I don't particularly think it helps too much to think about relationship issues along gender lines but as personal responsibility. As I said i am domestically extremely lazy but it is still my responsibility to respect my partners (trying not to say husband) space and my ability to contribute to our relationship. In other ways he has to move towards my needs as a person...not as a female or a wife.

I am not as off topic as it seems. This couple are not seeing their relationship as an entity between two individuals and respect for each other but they have slipped into gender roles and arguments which kind of mask basic respect and kindness issues.

Ninja, we are like that too. In our house it swings between being 50:50 split to being 60:40 either way (me 40 due to Uni deadlines, or him 40 coz I start to do more so he relaxes till I flip a bit and insist on 50:50 again!) If there is a shit load of dishes for example (we dont have a washer) coz he has concocted an amazing dish or two, I insist we both tackle as it would take one person too long, then we get the night together. Also when we do the house all over, we tend to blitz it together. He does about 90% of the cooking as I am shit, but I do the washing as he just cannot keep up with that, so its best I do it! I hate doing the bins so he does that, he wont touch the cat tray so I clean the litter. You just have to find a way you will both be happy and COMMUNICATE if you start to feel resentful. Otherwise it WILL come out as an argument!!!

I would get back to my kitchen sink if I could remember where it was AF

Maybe it's time us feminists (ah, bless our little cute radical hearts) just admitted that life is really really hard for men, and everything we feel is an issue for us is just so much worse for them, they are just too scared or shy or proud to admit it.............

Life, in general, can be hard seeker. I thought the gender thang had been bashed out a while ago - you get lazy bell-end men, as well as lazy bell-end blokes, so really failing to see the point you're making........

Whatever method people chose for persuading/encouraging/arse-kicking or eyelash-batting their DP into not being 'oh such a dope' about tasks around the home, could they get the fuck on with it before my DD and her peers grow up and get into relationships with another generation of men who don't understand how the dishwasher works.

And likewise for the poor boys who end up with women like me Pagwatch, hear, hear

As I said, it's just as bad for men. If only we understood how hard life is for them.....