DP angry and upset and I'm shocked

[Lovingfreedom]

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. Don't live together or anything but we are close. I'm not long out of horrible marriage and have kids. New guy always sweet, caring, considerate to me and to everyone else around him. All good.
Recently a close relative of his died tragically aged only 18. It is all difficult to deal with as death not fully explained yet (possibly super virus type thing).
He is devastated, naturally.
All was going calmly until the last few days. The cemetery, which is brand new, this being the very first burial, is in a bit of a mess. It's boggy, the paths are muddy, tyre marks and diesel spillages and the turf is in poor condition.
My DP has taken this on. He's written to council, MP, made some improvements himself etc.
He is angry and upset by his own admission and understandably.
He's cancelled everything else and concentrating on this.
Well, yesterday he emailed me saying that he had threatened to smash one of the council workers with a shovel and had to be restrained. He said he is horrified with himself for this.
He is well over six feet tall (6'5" or so) and heavy built and most people would find the prospect of being attacked by someone of this build terrifying tbh.
I am completely sympathetic of course to the situation with the death and the cemetery, but this revelation has shaken me. He is generally something of a 'gentle giant' very loving, caring and cuddly.
But I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this kind of anger, not that I have ever previously considered that could be a risk.
What do people think?

I'd say dump him. This is the behaviour of someone who feels entitled. He's getting his undies in a bundle about a gravestone, and therefore he attempted to assault someone with a weapon (if he'd hit the council worker with the shovel he might have been up on a murder charge). That's extreme violence from someone who thought he was being 'disrespected'. It will happen again. And again. Some people think that grief and pain give them a free pass to behave badly because their feelings are more important than anyone and anything else. He's still saying this. He's not sorry for what he did. He thinks it was all right to do it because the council worker deserved the attack, for not showing him sufficient respect. He'll feel the same about you and DC.

Frankly, OP, better safe than sorry. The worst thing that can happen when you dump a man is that you are single, and that he might have been an OK partner. Much, much worse things can happen if you make excuses for and persist in trying to love a violent man.

Hugs.

Who knows?

I have dumped someone partly because of what I perceived as yellow flags.
Still not sure if it was the right decision and I often wonder, but I'd rather be safe than sorry for DS as well.

You'll be ok. :)

Xpost: Don't feel awful. You are not responsible for him. He chose to use grief as an excuse to have a tantrum, and subsequently didn't act like someone who recognised he'd been in the wrong.

You will be fine and your DC will be fine. And if this man does grow up, get some help and properly address his issues (it's not completely impossible, just unlikely) then you can see what happens in the future. Good luck.

I've had so much going on in the past couple of years or so. I started a new job. Firstly a man at my work verbally abused me and I thought that he was going to physically attack me - he squared up to me and the verbal attack was so bad that several other people made complaints and they weren't even in the same room (it was about him having to wait to use a printer!). I sent him home. He was fired eventually (was still on probation and turned out to be psychotic and an extreme right-wing activist FFS!!) but it was a fight to get that sanctioned by HR.

Then my aunt, who I was very close to, went missing and committed suicide after years of mental illness. Then I found out my DH was having an affair (going on while my aunt was missing and I was worried sick - nice!) and had been seeing various women behind my back for God knows how long. Then we split up and I realised that there was a lot of EA in the relationship. Then my boss left and we got this crazy new one who upset everyone in the organisation and ended up getting fired. I was his 2nd in command so got a lot of the brunt of it (hot, cold, irrational decision-making, being overly nice to people one day then shouting in their faces the next, making unreasonably demands or giving unclear instructions and then going crazy about the results).

I met this guy (above) and he's been lovely and supportive and kind, considerate, loving and we've had great fun. The past year has not been plain sailing - lots of issues with my ex, my daughter has had few problems but it's felt like life's good and getting better despite this. And DP (above) was part of it but not all of it, by any means. I've also taken on a lot myself - redecorating the house, bought my ex out of the house, sorting out separation, holding down a f/t job and learning to use the lawn-mover (! enormous garden - bloody hell!).

Then this happened with his nephew and it's been horrific. But despite all that, I was glad to be able to help support him back when he's been supportive to me and I have given a lot of support over the past few weeks.

I'm quite a resilient person generally and tend to be pretty happy and positive most of the time, whatever's happening. I have some really good friends and family. All my family (apart from me and my kids) live quite far away, unfortunately. Friends all over, some reasonably local but most best friends I have to travel to. BTW this is just the past two and a half years worth! I do feel like my life is a bit of a soap opera these days. I don't know why. It never used to be like this! I feel like I'm struggling a bit recently though. My work has suffered tbh - and that's a pressure too.

I'm glad we have a long bank holiday weekend coming up.

Sorry for the essay!

No, not at essay - it's good to get some background.

It#s a shitty time for you both and a shame it has ended up like this, but you had to protect yourself. You're both going through too much at the mo - your stuff is rumbling along, his stuff is currently intense - and maybe it's just not the right time? Too much going on.

You couldn't go forward if this incident freaked you out. How could you go forward with that?

I suppose I'm still thinking 'is this out of character? is this a one-off?' and was it worth putting an end to the good times we were having and cutting off my support to him at perhaps the time he could most do with a friend. I'm really back and forward with this. This morning felt I'd made a big mistake. My lunchtime feeling slightly relieved and now feeling like I've made a mistake again.

Some people think that grief and pain give them a free pass to behave badly because their feelings are more important than anyone and anything else. He's still saying this.

This is still true, LF. There are lots of old sayings about finding out who your friends are / who someone really is when the chips are down. Spot the difference between you and him: your 'chips' have been down, over and over again lately, and how've you responded? With strength, dignity and reason. This chap's world caved in once and look what he did! As SGB said, that could have been murder.

One of the hardest habits to break, when we have been in an abusive relationship, is that compulsion to get inside the abuser's head - to 'understand' them; why they do what they do; what their intentions may have been; how they could do things differently, and how to get them to try. That's what keeps victims locked in, making excuses. It's irrational. Rational adults expect other adults to be rational, to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes.

You gave this guy the chance to show he knows this: to go "What have I done? I'm insane! I need help!" But he didn't. By worrying away at this issue now, you're in danger of following down the victim path once again.

There's only one explanation for what he did, and his subsequent insistence on blaming his victim. He believes his feelings are more important than anyone and anything else. That's dangerous. Thank yourself for the good times you had with him. Thank yourself for recognising an abusive nature when you saw it. Then do something nice for yourself: that relationship is over, you got out at the right time, and the future awaits!

Yes thanks for that GG. That is very helpful and I think you might be on to something. My instinct seems to be not to trust my own judgement and to think 'there must be another way of explaining this' 'he's surely not violent'...when it was there in B&W, by his own admission.

TBH one of the main attractions was that I thought he was 'safe' after my ex, he seemed so kind, considerate and gentle, cuddly and just lovely. I suppose once that's in question then there is no future.

You have made the right decision LF .. Your gut has told you to back off it's your head that is saying 'but he's nice and cuddly and never shown signs of violence' because you are programmed to put up with unreasonable behaviour ( as long as it is not constant unreasonable behaviour)

...thanks KW
Now be reasonable and dig me those numbers of the six-pack guys...if I'm going to be abused it might as well be by someone devastatingly good looking next time!

phew...I'm up and down like a bride's nightie!

The power of MN again - thanks everybody. This has been so so helpful and supportive.

I'll give you TheBoy's number if you want LF but I'm keeping Rocky for myself thanks

S'ok - I'll just look at the picture for a while I think!

I cut the grass when I got in last night once the deed was done. I am a strong, independent woman with Flymo

(((hugs))) OP. you made the right decision.

What SGB said.

leave

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

oh you did

sorry

Sorry you've been through the mill dealing with it but think you definitely did the right thing. Worst case scenario is that he's a good guy who lost it under difficult times and even then you've treated him fairly and not kept him hanging on, and hopefully he'll be prompted to get help for his grief, so in one way you've done him a favour. Plus you've kept yourself and dc's safe - you couldn't have done anything better. There's other relationships out there, both for you and for him, but only one set of dc's.

Oh my, you have been in the wars LovingFreedom.

garlic has nailed it: Spot the difference between you and him: your 'chips' have been down, over and over again lately, and how've you responded? With strength, dignity and reason. You certainly have. Proving it can be done. And you're still doing it, moreover!

• I have a fantastic picture of you as a strong, independent woman nonchalantly wielding a Flymo :) way to go, LovingFreedom