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Original poster

DP angry and upset and I'm shocked

120 replies

Lovingfreedom · 19/05/2013 12:02

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. Don't live together or anything but we are close. I'm not long out of horrible marriage and have kids. New guy always sweet, caring, considerate to me and to everyone else around him. All good.
Recently a close relative of his died tragically aged only 18. It is all difficult to deal with as death not fully explained yet (possibly super virus type thing).
He is devastated, naturally.
All was going calmly until the last few days. The cemetery, which is brand new, this being the very first burial, is in a bit of a mess. It's boggy, the paths are muddy, tyre marks and diesel spillages and the turf is in poor condition.
My DP has taken this on. He's written to council, MP, made some improvements himself etc.
He is angry and upset by his own admission and understandably.
He's cancelled everything else and concentrating on this.
Well, yesterday he emailed me saying that he had threatened to smash one of the council workers with a shovel and had to be restrained. He said he is horrified with himself for this.
He is well over six feet tall (6'5" or so) and heavy built and most people would find the prospect of being attacked by someone of this build terrifying tbh.
I am completely sympathetic of course to the situation with the death and the cemetery, but this revelation has shaken me. He is generally something of a 'gentle giant' very loving, caring and cuddly.
But I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this kind of anger, not that I have ever previously considered that could be a risk.
What do people think?

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2013 18:18

Having been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't be thinking LTB over this.

Grief strikes people very differently - my father for example, lost most of his family at a young age, and was estranged from the remainder from the age of 16. He grieved very little for any of that - when my mum's dad (who he had been very close to) it hit him as hard as my mum. I can imagine the feelings of impotent rage stirred up by the loss of such a young relative would be considerable. He needs to speak to someone clearly about how he is feeling, and if he refused to do so, I would have second thoughts. But I wouldn't end it over this.

I should add, my Ex had never had a fight/attacked another adult/threatened to do so until he was violent to me; ime most abusers are, like him, cowards and bullies who beat women behind closed doors.

VelvetSpoon · 19/05/2013 18:18

when my mum's dad died that should say

garlicgrump · 19/05/2013 18:27

Velvet, there's a chasm between "feelings of impotent rage" - which are a normal part of grief - and taking that rage out on external objects or people. The enactment betrays a belief that one's own feelings are more important than others' belongings or safety.

foolonthehill · 19/05/2013 18:53

hi LF

we know each other...from before...do you remember my ex? He was gentle, kind, empathic etc. but lifelong from time to time someone would act so unreasonably that he "lost it"...never with me, to start with...you know the end of the story...

be very careful. you deserve to be loved and cherished, you do not deserve to be in any kind of anxiety about this man's...shall we call it temper? tread carefully

foolonthehill · 19/05/2013 18:54

make no allowances.
make sure that he knows that anything like this is totally unacceptable...and tears/disappointment in himself etc. don't necessarily mean anything...he still did it.

Lweji · 19/05/2013 20:00

Curious that people start making allowances without knowing the story.
How does anyone know what the other man did, and it seems that he tried to attack him with tools, so not bare handed.

Regardless, with people like this I'd rather be cautious.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 19/05/2013 20:06

The other man jumped over the fence, which was disrespectful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 19/05/2013 20:13

Hi Fool, I do remember you of course! I'm confused tbh and I do think the situation is very emotive and horrendous. They are talking about moving the grave. But I can't stop thinking of the words 'smash' 'head' and 'shovel' and feeling uneasy.
He's saying that the cemetery has to be his priority atm and although he says it was wrong to threaten the guy he's still justifying it IMO.
What do I do? tell him now it's over or wait for a better time?

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/05/2013 20:19

The other man jumped over the fence, which was disrespectful.
WOW

ElectricSheep · 19/05/2013 20:23

I'd personally just cool it right off and make it 'evident' over a few weeks to avoid any big announcement.

I'm sure you are making the right decision. You shouldn't even be considering whether or not your bf might turn out to be violent!

OrlaKiely · 19/05/2013 20:24

no, no confrontation. ease off gently, slowly and calmly. make excuses, be boring. eventually say you don't feel up to a relationship.

OrlaKiely · 19/05/2013 20:25

jumped over the fence?? he has issues.

DoctorAnge · 19/05/2013 20:29

Massive red flag waving in the sky, words spelt out in red by an aeroplane - leave this guy! He has told you who he is - listen to him...

butterflymeadow · 19/05/2013 20:31

It sounds like the council are screwing up badly here, but, even thinking of the most emotionally horrendous bereavement my family have suffered, I can't think that your partner's reaction is even a tiny bit towards appropriate. It is just not the way to go about things.

I have to say that the post which resonates with me is the one which questions the long term implications of this on your relationship. He has shown himself to be capable of threatening behaviour under pressure. There will be other pressure points in years to come. On some level, you are going to modify your behaviour because you know he could explode. You are going to be watching for a repeat performance.

I think the fact that he is still justifying it is problematic. It means he does not see the issues you do with his behaviour.

OrlaKiely · 19/05/2013 20:34

I think part of the problem with this sort of situation is that some of us can imagine someone we know, and respect, getting very angry over something that touched a very personal nerve, even though they are not the kind of person who would ever lose their temper with a loved one or in anything other than exceptional circumstances.

So without knowing his history, his other behaviours, his general character beyond the year you've known him for, it's a bit hard to gauge.

However the circumstances you describe do sound a bit suspect - his reaction to it, not taking himself out of the situation and so on, is worrying as is his obsessive behaviour.

I'd be taking steps back before legging it tbh.

OrlaKiely · 19/05/2013 20:36

I mean, backing away slowly and then legging it iyswim, once at a point of safety.

Lweji · 19/05/2013 20:36

I agree with letting off gently.

You can stop contacting him, just reply and take your time, longer and longer. Screen your calls and be unavailable for some of them.
After some days, or a couple of weeks call it off.

Remember that you don't have to justify a break up. You can just say that you don't want to continue the relationship.

foolonthehill · 19/05/2013 20:38

LF...I know you would feel bad about "dumping him" when he is going through this bereavement and trauma though i think you would be justified and I would do so.....however...

you can let him focus on this for as long as it takes...tell him you are going to take a back seat whist he deals with it and observe him at leisure if you prefer.

Just remember what strength it took to jump last time...his words "lack of respect" and his actions look bad to me, from whatever angle

Isatdownandwept · 19/05/2013 20:49

A friend I have known for over 30 years was into the first few weeks of grief when his (very toxic) next door neighbour told him he was glad it was quieter in the street now the the 'good for nothing' lad was dead (my friend's son was 16 and a deligthful grammar school boy who died of a brain tumour very suddenly). Next thing my friend had knocked 3 of his neighbour's teeth out in one instant punch.

It was awful having the press paint my friend as some monster who beat up a defenceless pensioner. But I know, he knows, his wife knows and everyone who knows him know that he was insane with grief. I hate violence but sometimes I understand it. He has never even raised a word to anyone in his whole life, either before, or after this one incident. I don't for a minute think that you can judge anyone by how they act in the face of uncontrollable grief.

Saying all of that, the risk needs to be addressed. Your DP needs counselling help and needs someone else to takeon the cemetery thing, otherwise it could escalate and end up in real violence.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 19/05/2013 20:59

I suggested that someone else take over the cemetery issues and he stay away for a while but he's insisting it's his priority and he needs to do it.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 19/05/2013 21:05

You don't say who the relative was, was it a parent, sibling? This is relevant because he is clearly grieving and not coping with the situation. He must be distraught.

I am a little saddened to see people say that you should LTB to be honest.

I'm sorry but lweji's post is a really awful thing to do to someone - effectively playing games, not replying to texts etc - you are an adult, if you want to finish with him, do it, be honest with him but don't frig around like this, he is grieving and clearly has issues dealing with it.

I am not saying what he has done was right but it wouldnt be a deal breaker for me.

NotSoNervous · 19/05/2013 21:09

I wouldn't leave him over it. It sounds like with everything that he's gone through he hasn't dealt with his grief properly and has been putting it on the back burner and then dealing with the stress of trying to get the crematory sorted out he's just snapped. He's been honest with you and told you about it when if he has a habit of this behaviour he wouldn't have and it sounds like his behaviour has upset him too. I'd tell him that you don't agree with violence in anyway and now is the time to speak to someone about his grief and work through it before anything like this could happen again.

Could you perhaps help him at the cemetery and try and support it and make him feel like he's not doing it alone?

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 19/05/2013 21:11

He is not a bastard so LTB is not appropriate. However he is a very large man and I am a smallish woman with two children. I don't condone violence. I haven't told him where to go, I have suggested that he takes himself out of the stress of the cemetery situation, gets some professional help and tries to be kinder to himself. But he won't.

OP posts:
garlicgrump · 19/05/2013 21:18

Isat - you're comparing a father punching somebody who said it was great that his son had just died (Shock) with a man who threatened to attack a stranger with a shovel, because the stranger had jumped over a public fence.

Not comparable.

Miggsie · 19/05/2013 21:22

He appears to have a problem with strong emotion - not unusual, most people do. However he does seem to be obsessing about the external matter of the cemetery which, in the scheme of things is not important. His focus on that, the appearance of the cemetery and the "appropriateness" of other's reactions rather than his own emotions suggests the following:
He is emotionally closed off
He can't deal with negative emotion
He is focussing his rage on minor things that then need to be "fixed"
He wants to "sort out" other people and things, not himself, so his rage and grief will grow and become more destructive

This suggests to me that any negative situation will have him lashing out externally, ignoring his feelings, ignoring advice and others' feelings and end up being destructive and draining to live with.

I would expect him to at least want to confide how he feels and talk to you - but he has rejected this human contact for sorting out "things" - I feel he will be an emotionally closed off person to you as the relationship progresses.