DP angry and upset and I'm shocked

[Lovingfreedom]

I have been seeing a guy for about a year. Don't live together or anything but we are close. I'm not long out of horrible marriage and have kids. New guy always sweet, caring, considerate to me and to everyone else around him. All good.
Recently a close relative of his died tragically aged only 18. It is all difficult to deal with as death not fully explained yet (possibly super virus type thing).
He is devastated, naturally.
All was going calmly until the last few days. The cemetery, which is brand new, this being the very first burial, is in a bit of a mess. It's boggy, the paths are muddy, tyre marks and diesel spillages and the turf is in poor condition.
My DP has taken this on. He's written to council, MP, made some improvements himself etc.
He is angry and upset by his own admission and understandably.
He's cancelled everything else and concentrating on this.
Well, yesterday he emailed me saying that he had threatened to smash one of the council workers with a shovel and had to be restrained. He said he is horrified with himself for this.
He is well over six feet tall (6'5" or so) and heavy built and most people would find the prospect of being attacked by someone of this build terrifying tbh.
I am completely sympathetic of course to the situation with the death and the cemetery, but this revelation has shaken me. He is generally something of a 'gentle giant' very loving, caring and cuddly.
But I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this kind of anger, not that I have ever previously considered that could be a risk.
What do people think?

JoJo I'm sorry for your loss

JoJo I'm so sorry you have experienced the very worst bereavement.

re above - I can't agree that the first bereavement is the worst shock: they're all a hideous shock if the death is unexpected/sudden/too early/someone dearly loved. I don't believe one 'gets over' it, you just learn to live with it.

It sounds like you're sticking by him for the timebeing, which is a good plan imo - he's not going to be able to take being dumped in the middle of this terrible shock. There will be plenty of time to address this in the days and weeks to come.

'he's not going to be able to take being dumped"? .... erm...Shit happens, especially when you go about wielding shovels at people. I haven't fully decided what to do. Yes, there is emotional pressure and I've shared some really good times with him in the past, but can I take the risk of being with someone who has told me he is violent? I'm not sure I can face him at all actually.

As a former cemetery manager, I have seen this sort of scary behaviour at first hand. I would have ensured that the police were involved straight away if he was threatening violence.

If I were you, I would run for the hills ASAP.

Meeting him this evening over coffee. This is very difficult.

good luck.

are you meeting in public or at home?

In a public place

Hope it goes ok LF thinking of you x

Be strong LF...thoughts with you

Recently a close relative of his died tragically.... it coincides with the anniversary of his wife's premature death and he is trying to take this all on himself and protect others in the family.

Out of character, under extreme emotional stress - but you need to weigh up how he is dealing with that, against your DC's safety, and your own. If your trust has been shaken, you can't overlook this. It may all be a result of profound grief, but when his buttons were pushed, he saw red.

No contest I'm afraid. It's not walking out when he needs you most, it's having gone through a bad time and come out the other side, you need to feel safe.

I agree you need to feel safe. I'm not suggesting you make out everything is the same as it was, just now is not the time for the Dear John talk imo.

yes, shit happens. But sometimes the shit is unbelievably vicious. You can't have a future with him by the looks of things but have some heart, he's likely off his head with grief. I hope you will be kindly?

I have had a heart though by being honest rather playing an act until he feels better then sticking the knife in again. I instantly regret my decision. He's not a bad guy just very very upset and grieving. But those three words in that email meant that I got scared and wouldn't take the risk.

Yes, that's fair enough. If you are freaked and find it hard to even face him at the mo, then that's fair enough.

I'm sorry I have been blinded by how savage his grief appears to be (ie added to the grief of losing his wife so recently) (I'm not laying it on!) - perhaps a bit of my own stuff there, I'm sorry.

BUT you are also vulnerable re your recent relationship. so yes, protect yourself in whatever way it takes.

I wish you well.

Take good care of your self, LF. You are doing, I know, but that doesn't make it easy. Wishing you the very best.

LF, you can't take the risk. You really can't. It's not just you love.

Your DC need to see you safe, they need to be safe, and they need to see you take ENORMOUS steps to ensure that safety.

His behaviour is unacceptable, to anyone. Those that don't have DV in their background can trust themselves to have a chance at maintaining a clear head, not allow themselves to get sucked in.

You my love, for whatever reason, have been down that horrid road before and know the stakes. Until we actively seek out what it is that makes us vulnerable, and well and truly fix it, when we KNOW that we can spot a scary someone and DEAL with it, regardless of our feelings on the matter, then we know that we ARE strong, safe and secure.

You can't be in a relationship where you feel fear, even for a moment. For this reason, tell him that you will have to take a break, that you hope he can work things out, you wish him well, but that you have to put yourself and your DC first and foremost.

PLease don't think about this, please don't consider your 'investment' (that's always a pile of bollocks) please just make the decision that is the safest for your family.

IF it is meant to be, it will be. But right now, you need to send a message to HIM and to your DC that violence or threats of the same has NO place in your life any more.

Making excuses for him, no matter how Top-Trumpy they look could could you dearly. It could cost a life.

I'm not saying this man IS dangerous, I can't know that.

I AM saying that after ONLY a year, though, NEITHER can you.

You know it can take up to 2 years for an abuser to surface. this IS a freaking large red flag and you know it.

Protect yourself. Until you are sure of yourself, and surer of him.

Look at actions, not words, see deeds, not fairy tales.

I've finished with him this evening. I did instantly regret it. I feel that he is a gentle kind loving person but I couldn't take the chance. It felt like kicking a man whilst he's down but I also felt very scared when I read his email. He said he wouldn't have actually hit the man with the shovel. I said 'did he know that?' And he couldn't really answer. Anyway this eve he sent two emails (I replied to first) saying thanks for a nice time and I'm wrong but he understands. And for me to get in touch if I want to meet for coffee one day.

Well done. Good call, if tough ((hug)) (if you don't mind me hugging you that is!)

Well done.

You have done an immense thing here. You put your instincts front and centre.

Time will tell, but you have sent a clear message to yourself, to this man, and to your DC.

My ExBoyf (together a year) told me that he didn't see a future with me. That he was with me for selfish reasons, and because it suited him. DAMN, that gave me only one option. Regardless of what I felt for him, I had to remind myself that I deserved better, that I was more than someone who 'suited' someone else for a while.

You have seen something that upset you, and you have reacted appropriately. You did a big thing today love. I know you will be sad, but you really did do the best thing for everyone.

Keep talking to us, we're here to listen and hold hands.

^^ not a dig btw! sheesh. just that MN is not known for hugs, in the main.

Thanks! Don't mind a hug! I'll take it! I suppose either he's a decent guy and he will realise why his actions were scary and do something about it and perhaps respect me for protecting myself and my kids. Or he's a violent man who will feel I owed him a relationship and how dare I question his actions.
Either way I guess I come out stronger, if not happier.

You will LF, you really will.

Either way, you win. Today was really a BIG STEP day for you.

You have done an immense thing Loving. Well done for recognising it quickly, and doing something about it quickly. Takes courage.

I'm so sorry I drivvled on which could have put you off the scent. You were right and I was wrong

(I am actually long in the tooth with domestic abuse etc. Just goes to show you have to keep your eye on the ball....)

(((BIG (sanctioned) hug)))

Doesn't feel like it. I feel awful today and like I made a mistake.

Right now, you are giving him space. Right now, you are keeping yourself safe. Had you said nothing, done nothing, he'd still be simmering, you'd be walking on eggshells. Those two emails he sent you should tell you that you weren't being unreasonable, because he says you were wrong but he understands - er, wrong about what? That you are worried he might go off on one if triggered? That he needs to work on how he is feeling and address that temper?