DH and I have been together about 15 years, married for 5. We have a DS aged 18 months.
About 3 years ago, DH lost his job. Since then he hasn't worked. This had some positives around us having a child as it meant he got to spend a lot of time with him etc. He is an excellent father and adores DS.
However, DH has steadily become more depressed and isolated over the 3 years. He is now at the point where he has no job, no friends, no social life, never goes out, never wants to do anything and his confidence is at rock bottom. His family live 300 miles away and he is not hugely close to any of them.
For a long time I have been trying to get him to go to the GP but he won't. He has a history of depression since childhood. He is clearly depressed. He also drinks way too much.
We have had relationship problems for a while. I work FT. DH doesn't work at all. He looks after DS two days a week whilst I am at work but the other three DS is in childcare or at my mums so he is in the house on his own all day. He doesn't do much in the way of house work at all, or look for jobs, just plays PC games. This has caused on-going issues between us as I am exhausted. I get up with DS 6 days a week and he had been going through a really early waking stage. The split of things has been really unfair and it has been getting on top of me.
This came to a head on Friday night. DH and I had watched a film and shared some wine. I had been up since 6:30am and at work all day. DH get pressuring me to stay up later and later to have some 'time with him'. We eventually went to bed about 1:30am and I was exhausted and knowing I would have to get up with DS.
DS woke about 3am. I tried to wake DH to go and settle him as I was too tired and would have to get up with him in a couple of hours. I couldn't wake DH because he was drunk. I have no excuse for this but I lost the plot and started hitting DH (lying down in bed, sort of flailing at him IYSWIM). DH did wake up, settled DS but we had a huge row and all my built up resentment came out.
The next morning, I got up with DS about 7:30. DH woke up about 9:30 and decided he wanted access to my facebook account. I refused for a bit but the row became intense and DS was there so I gave him my password.
DH went through all my e-mails. I have been in contact with my ex for several years and we keep in touch via e-mail and play Scabble on facebook. DH has know about this and has been ok with it. However, in my e-mails there was (several months ago) a period where my ex and I exchanged a few very emotional emails regarding our break up. (It was messy and I had an abortion). There was no suggestion in these e-mails we wanted to get back together (we don't), but they were emotional and personal. The rest of the e-mails are pretty banal (how's work etc). There is no sexual content in them, although we might have some carry on style banter when playing scrabble (e.g, you came first again? You've not changed etc). Childish and I will admit it is sort of flirty but there is no intent behind it on either side.
The last couple of e-mails between us however have cause an issue. I was in London the other week which is where my ex works. We vaguely made noises about meeting up for a coffee although in the end neither of us could manage it as our schedules clashed. My meeting got moved when I was down there so I e-mailed my ex and said "I could meet you for lunch today". He emails back he couldn't as he had been caught up. End of. He emailed me later that night when he was on his train home asking what I was going to do in London that evening and I replied I hadn't decided and was at a loose end as I was on my own
DH took those to mean we HAD met up. I think he now accepts we didn't but the is still furious that I did not tell him. I said there was nothing to tell him as we didn't meet up. He thinks I should have told him I was planning to (but I wasn't as we already knew we couldn't meet up due to both being too busy). If I had told DH we would have told me I couldn't and it would have caused a huge row, so given we didn't meet I didn't think there was anything to tell.
DH went ballistic and smashed up the house. I had to get my parents to come and take DS to the park. We had a huge row.
We have managed to talk and get to a point where we are talking and DH has agreed to go to the GP on Monday (I had phoned 111 at one point as he was talking about killing himself but he wouldn't speak to them or go to hospital). DH has also agreed to go to relationship counseling. We have both agreed we want to fix things. DH is in a sate and has been sobbing a lot. I am very worried about him. He has changed my facebook log in so he has my password and set it so he gets an email on any activity and this morning I noticed he has been playing Scrabble against my ex on my log in (so pretending to be me) which is just weird.
I am sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I am asking. I want to fix things but I don't know where to start. DH is still furious with me and saying he can't trust me, I feel like he is trying to create an issue to distract from the real problems, but he has agreed to the GP and counselling and also agrees he wants to fix things. He is so depressed though and has been crying saying he's scared he isn't capable of changing or getting better
I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be great. Thank you.