I'm not even sure where to start

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together about 15 years, married for 5. We have a DS aged 18 months.

About 3 years ago, DH lost his job. Since then he hasn't worked. This had some positives around us having a child as it meant he got to spend a lot of time with him etc. He is an excellent father and adores DS.

However, DH has steadily become more depressed and isolated over the 3 years. He is now at the point where he has no job, no friends, no social life, never goes out, never wants to do anything and his confidence is at rock bottom. His family live 300 miles away and he is not hugely close to any of them.

For a long time I have been trying to get him to go to the GP but he won't. He has a history of depression since childhood. He is clearly depressed. He also drinks way too much.

We have had relationship problems for a while. I work FT. DH doesn't work at all. He looks after DS two days a week whilst I am at work but the other three DS is in childcare or at my mums so he is in the house on his own all day. He doesn't do much in the way of house work at all, or look for jobs, just plays PC games. This has caused on-going issues between us as I am exhausted. I get up with DS 6 days a week and he had been going through a really early waking stage. The split of things has been really unfair and it has been getting on top of me.

This came to a head on Friday night. DH and I had watched a film and shared some wine. I had been up since 6:30am and at work all day. DH get pressuring me to stay up later and later to have some 'time with him'. We eventually went to bed about 1:30am and I was exhausted and knowing I would have to get up with DS.

DS woke about 3am. I tried to wake DH to go and settle him as I was too tired and would have to get up with him in a couple of hours. I couldn't wake DH because he was drunk. I have no excuse for this but I lost the plot and started hitting DH (lying down in bed, sort of flailing at him IYSWIM). DH did wake up, settled DS but we had a huge row and all my built up resentment came out.

The next morning, I got up with DS about 7:30. DH woke up about 9:30 and decided he wanted access to my facebook account. I refused for a bit but the row became intense and DS was there so I gave him my password.

DH went through all my e-mails. I have been in contact with my ex for several years and we keep in touch via e-mail and play Scabble on facebook. DH has know about this and has been ok with it. However, in my e-mails there was (several months ago) a period where my ex and I exchanged a few very emotional emails regarding our break up. (It was messy and I had an abortion). There was no suggestion in these e-mails we wanted to get back together (we don't), but they were emotional and personal. The rest of the e-mails are pretty banal (how's work etc). There is no sexual content in them, although we might have some carry on style banter when playing scrabble (e.g, you came first again? You've not changed etc). Childish and I will admit it is sort of flirty but there is no intent behind it on either side.

The last couple of e-mails between us however have cause an issue. I was in London the other week which is where my ex works. We vaguely made noises about meeting up for a coffee although in the end neither of us could manage it as our schedules clashed. My meeting got moved when I was down there so I e-mailed my ex and said "I could meet you for lunch today". He emails back he couldn't as he had been caught up. End of. He emailed me later that night when he was on his train home asking what I was going to do in London that evening and I replied I hadn't decided and was at a loose end as I was on my own

DH took those to mean we HAD met up. I think he now accepts we didn't but the is still furious that I did not tell him. I said there was nothing to tell him as we didn't meet up. He thinks I should have told him I was planning to (but I wasn't as we already knew we couldn't meet up due to both being too busy). If I had told DH we would have told me I couldn't and it would have caused a huge row, so given we didn't meet I didn't think there was anything to tell.

DH went ballistic and smashed up the house. I had to get my parents to come and take DS to the park. We had a huge row.

We have managed to talk and get to a point where we are talking and DH has agreed to go to the GP on Monday (I had phoned 111 at one point as he was talking about killing himself but he wouldn't speak to them or go to hospital). DH has also agreed to go to relationship counseling. We have both agreed we want to fix things. DH is in a sate and has been sobbing a lot. I am very worried about him. He has changed my facebook log in so he has my password and set it so he gets an email on any activity and this morning I noticed he has been playing Scrabble against my ex on my log in (so pretending to be me) which is just weird.

I am sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I am asking. I want to fix things but I don't know where to start. DH is still furious with me and saying he can't trust me, I feel like he is trying to create an issue to distract from the real problems, but he has agreed to the GP and counselling and also agrees he wants to fix things. He is so depressed though and has been crying saying he's scared he isn't capable of changing or getting better

I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be great. Thank you.

I'm going to say something a lot on here will probably shout at me for now.

I don't think he knows how to act right now.

He is out of control. He is out of control of his emotions and his behaviour. I imagine he feels very lost and alone and afraid. I am sure he is wondering why you are there right now. And in a bizarre way I think he resents you, for keeping it all together and being there and making family life work while he is this is big useless lump.

Does he have a friend, a brother, anyone preferably male who he might listen to of you got them to come round?

You can't fix him. Only he can do that (or not).

Regardless of the reason, his behaviour is abusive. You can choose to live with that, or not. Your son can't, though.

Sounds like you're excusing his behaviour Rhonda - understandable if you've gone through similar

He's not a naughty out of control 7 year old who needs to be taught how to behave y'know. Unless he is openly abusing shop assistants / folk in the street / his relatives etc in the same way then he knows exactly what he's doing.

He won't change and cat knows this. And still puts up with him.

Sad. And tragic when you have children

I'm not excusing his behaviour.

There are two types of behaviour happening here though. The unacceptable - smashing things up and swearing - and the depressed, wandering around crying and not knowing what he is up to. Both need addressed appropriately, and appropriate for both is different.

I've been through the depressed with DH but not the agressive thankfully.

you have put up with too much for too long Cat, it's a toxic environment for you and your ds. how would you feel if a friend smashed up your stuff or called you a c**t? You wouldn't accept it, you would get that person out of your life. I think you know what you have to do but you need to find the courage, good luck.

Cat, what is it in you that makes you want or need to martyr yourself like this? You have run yourself into the ground once already. Why do you need to do it again?

Cat my love - this cannot continue. I know you love him and, trust me, I know how hard it is - but you need to get him to leave. He can rent a room somewhere or something, you will get some benefits and you will find a way. You simply can't continue like this - not for DS's sake, not for your sake and not for his sake - all the time you enable this behaviour it will just keep getting worse :(

How much more do you think you can take before you have a major breakdown - where would that leave DS??

The only way you can help DH is to make him take responsibility for himself - all the while you are there, you will be the scapegoat and he will just keep going with this downward spiral :(

Hi GlitzPig, like I mentioned in my post I have not read any of cats other threads about her DH, and I did not know he called her that or any of the 'abuse' previously. Of course that language is unacceptable. I was advising on the basis of a partner who is depressed, not necessarily an abusive relationship. All my comments were made on the basis of cat's original post on this thread only. I obviously do not know as much as others on the past goings on

lolly I see that and if Cat had a lovely DH who had just gone wrong through being very depressed, some of your advice would be spot on. But this is way beyond that, unfortunately- he's smashing up the house and calling her a c* because she has called him out and realizes that his problems (fancy a sahd who stays up all night gaming and drinking, only cares for his son 2 days a week?) I would be worried for my safety in this situation, my husband has experienced depression but nothing like this level of aggression.

The aggression worried me too mumsy.

Well I guess I would be asking myself about his behaviour prior to the onset of it all- I know depression isnt an excuse, but it can be a reason like someone said. So I would want to figure out whether he went wrong through the mood disorder or whether he was already leaning that way even when well. If he genuinely wants help and to get better, now is the start of better times for him and OP, regardless of whether they stay together or not. I would also be asking my mum for advice(!) as is often the case, mums know best/see things you cant see. Personally, if my own mum fundamentally didnt approve of a relationship it would be a red flag for me. Just me being soft :)

lollydollydrop He called OP a cunt this afternoon when she tried to wake him to go to the park. Your post suggested cake baking and letting lanterns was at 13:18. Read her post of 13:05 - I suspect it was posted while you were composing hers.

I suspect it was posted while you were composing hers.
I suspect it was posted while you were composing yours, obviously

Sorry OP, it sounds bloody tough on you.

To start with, I would tell DH you want control back of your own facebook account.

Also, I would break off contact with your ex. It is not necessary for anyone to be in regular contact with their exes, and is not helping your partner. I have no issues about being insecure but would be hacked off if my DH would be constant tocu with any of his exes, especially if their were sexual inuendos and flirting going on ( regardless of what the intent behind it would be). But I now many of Mn would disagree with that.

I really do not know why you are paying fr childcare 3 days a week.

The abusive behaviour ( controlling your Fb account and smashing up the house, intimidating you) are unacceptable.

In your shoes I might consider asking him to leave until he has himself sorted out ( GP visit is not a magic cure, bt merely a first step. AA needed maybe?).

Tell him you love him but you cannot go on like this.

He needs to fix himself.

Cat I was you about 16 years ago. I had spent years trying to get EH who was EA and said his behaviour was cos he was depressed, to go to doctor, see counsellor etc to no avail. Even when he smashed doors, windows, crockery I felt really sorry for him and kept trying to help him. He didnt work either. The abuse escalated into physical abuse & one night after he hadn't spoken to me for 2 weeks weeks I suggested we try to sort it out he threw me down the stairs & beat me up. I left him taking DD aged one. We kept in touch so he could see DD. He was very sorry for himself & I got back with him for few weeks & conceived DS. When I was 5 months pregnant he assaulted me & told me he would kill me. Never said sorry but kept saying he was going to kill himself. With support from friends, family, police, WA I finally saw sense. Funnily enough once we split finally he seemed to recover from his depression very quickly, went to GP, saw counsellor, got a gf & got work. Didn't bother paying any money for his kids tho. After about 4 years with his gf she left him for the very same reasons I did.

I know you won't believe this now but you are better off without him. In retrospect without knowing how or why I enabled his behaviour. I read so many threads in which I recognise my situation back then. I just want to scream get out of there as quick as you can, but I know it's a process of self realisation.

My advice would be to live separately and give him the chance to make things better by himself because trust me you are not going to be able to make things better for him. You can only make things better for yourself & DC. Put your needs above him because believe me he is putting himself first. If he changes great and you can resume things. Don't end up like I did back then a nervous wreck & blacklisted for 6 years cos of debt he got me into.

If it's any consolation fast forward 16 years & me & teenage DCs fine. Accept that life is never going to be easy but it doesn't need to be as hard as it is for you right now. I wish you well, good luck, you are definitely not alone.

catgirl I have read your posts on lots of subjects and thought how capable you sound.

then I read your posts about your DP & you sound like a different person, a sadder person, accepting bad behaviour. he sounds like a teenager, not at father and partner.

Cat, are you alright pet?

Thank you all for your messages and support

After the shouting at me issue, I took DS to the park on my own. Then I went round to my parents. DH asked me to come home as he had written me a letter he wanted me to read.

I have come home and left DS with my parents and he is staying there over night.

DH has written a long letter addressing his behavior and mine.

We have had a really long talk. DH has accepted that he is really very ill and has been refusing to face up to that.

We have agreed:

That we will insist on a GP appointment tomorrow and not be fobbed off with one in a weeks time. I will go with him.

That he will insist on an urgent, private referral to a psychiatrist and we will ask them to fax the referral over while we are there, rather than posting it.

That we will follow up that referral ourselves when we get home.

That he will take anti-depressants and accepts that they will take time to work. As will any therapy.

That he will commit to sticking with the therapy and the anti-depressants even though it will be difficult

That we will go to couples counseling.

That the drinking stops.

That we do not blow up in front of DS again. If it's coming, we remove DS from the situation

That in a few weeks, when the tablet and counseling are starting to work, he will go to a gym, or if he can't manage that we will go for a walk every evening and at the weekends

That we will talk more

That him swearing at me is unacceptable

I have accepted that having a relationship with my ex, even if it is a friendship is not going to help his self-esteem and flirting with him and arranging to meet him and not telling DH is wrong. I have refused to totally end my friendship but have agreed not to arrange to meet him.

We have both accepted that if these things don't happen, we don't have a future and even if they do happen, we have a lot of work to do and it will not be an easy road.

For the first time ever though I do feel DH has accepted how bad things are and that they cannot carry on. So shitty as this weekend has been, that feels like progress.

That's a good start, I hope things go well for you!

oh no, I totally missed that! :( :( I'm sorry Cat- but I just read your recent post and think that it sounds very encouraging. You do need to make a plan of action for how to overcome this and it sounds like you have addressed that today together. I am very pleased he understands all of this and is being proactive too. I also hope he apologised to you for the name calling.

You can both make this a positive thing now- the start of the journey to recovery. I think you are an amazing wife, and I hope that you can get back to being happy in your relationship as it sounds you are outside of it/with friends etc. Maybe you could make a big wall chart or something to keep track of his/your recovery and progress, or try something else motivational.xx

He has lolly

Thank you everyone. I'm sometimes not entirely sure what I would do without Mumsnet

Hugs cat. I hope this is the low and he starts to improve.

Thank you Rhonda

Hope your DH is doing ok xx Lots of big hugs back