I'm not even sure where to start

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together about 15 years, married for 5. We have a DS aged 18 months.

About 3 years ago, DH lost his job. Since then he hasn't worked. This had some positives around us having a child as it meant he got to spend a lot of time with him etc. He is an excellent father and adores DS.

However, DH has steadily become more depressed and isolated over the 3 years. He is now at the point where he has no job, no friends, no social life, never goes out, never wants to do anything and his confidence is at rock bottom. His family live 300 miles away and he is not hugely close to any of them.

For a long time I have been trying to get him to go to the GP but he won't. He has a history of depression since childhood. He is clearly depressed. He also drinks way too much.

We have had relationship problems for a while. I work FT. DH doesn't work at all. He looks after DS two days a week whilst I am at work but the other three DS is in childcare or at my mums so he is in the house on his own all day. He doesn't do much in the way of house work at all, or look for jobs, just plays PC games. This has caused on-going issues between us as I am exhausted. I get up with DS 6 days a week and he had been going through a really early waking stage. The split of things has been really unfair and it has been getting on top of me.

This came to a head on Friday night. DH and I had watched a film and shared some wine. I had been up since 6:30am and at work all day. DH get pressuring me to stay up later and later to have some 'time with him'. We eventually went to bed about 1:30am and I was exhausted and knowing I would have to get up with DS.

DS woke about 3am. I tried to wake DH to go and settle him as I was too tired and would have to get up with him in a couple of hours. I couldn't wake DH because he was drunk. I have no excuse for this but I lost the plot and started hitting DH (lying down in bed, sort of flailing at him IYSWIM). DH did wake up, settled DS but we had a huge row and all my built up resentment came out.

The next morning, I got up with DS about 7:30. DH woke up about 9:30 and decided he wanted access to my facebook account. I refused for a bit but the row became intense and DS was there so I gave him my password.

DH went through all my e-mails. I have been in contact with my ex for several years and we keep in touch via e-mail and play Scabble on facebook. DH has know about this and has been ok with it. However, in my e-mails there was (several months ago) a period where my ex and I exchanged a few very emotional emails regarding our break up. (It was messy and I had an abortion). There was no suggestion in these e-mails we wanted to get back together (we don't), but they were emotional and personal. The rest of the e-mails are pretty banal (how's work etc). There is no sexual content in them, although we might have some carry on style banter when playing scrabble (e.g, you came first again? You've not changed etc). Childish and I will admit it is sort of flirty but there is no intent behind it on either side.

The last couple of e-mails between us however have cause an issue. I was in London the other week which is where my ex works. We vaguely made noises about meeting up for a coffee although in the end neither of us could manage it as our schedules clashed. My meeting got moved when I was down there so I e-mailed my ex and said "I could meet you for lunch today". He emails back he couldn't as he had been caught up. End of. He emailed me later that night when he was on his train home asking what I was going to do in London that evening and I replied I hadn't decided and was at a loose end as I was on my own

DH took those to mean we HAD met up. I think he now accepts we didn't but the is still furious that I did not tell him. I said there was nothing to tell him as we didn't meet up. He thinks I should have told him I was planning to (but I wasn't as we already knew we couldn't meet up due to both being too busy). If I had told DH we would have told me I couldn't and it would have caused a huge row, so given we didn't meet I didn't think there was anything to tell.

DH went ballistic and smashed up the house. I had to get my parents to come and take DS to the park. We had a huge row.

We have managed to talk and get to a point where we are talking and DH has agreed to go to the GP on Monday (I had phoned 111 at one point as he was talking about killing himself but he wouldn't speak to them or go to hospital). DH has also agreed to go to relationship counseling. We have both agreed we want to fix things. DH is in a sate and has been sobbing a lot. I am very worried about him. He has changed my facebook log in so he has my password and set it so he gets an email on any activity and this morning I noticed he has been playing Scrabble against my ex on my log in (so pretending to be me) which is just weird.

I am sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I am asking. I want to fix things but I don't know where to start. DH is still furious with me and saying he can't trust me, I feel like he is trying to create an issue to distract from the real problems, but he has agreed to the GP and counselling and also agrees he wants to fix things. He is so depressed though and has been crying saying he's scared he isn't capable of changing or getting better

I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be great. Thank you.

I think you need to be apart from him. He needs to get himself better and so long as you are there for him to blame, he won't.

I know you worry about him taking his life but seriously, he is already threatening suicide while you are there so it isn't as if having you there keeps him well.

He needs to get the appropriate help, GP, psychologist and eat, drink and exercise sensibly. Moping, isolating himself, drinking heavily and leaving you to shoulder most responsibilities is a terrible way to exist.

catgirl I'm really sorry to read this.

Did he go to the GP last Monday as he promised you he would?

I think this is all a very convenient distraction from the fact that you do everything and he does bugger all.

I can't make DH understand how exhausted I am and how little down time I get You can't make him understand because he chooses not to. He is more important than you are, to his way of thinking.

I agree I am enabling him. I do know that

I just dont know how to stop :( It's all so ingrained now IYSWIM

If I remember rightly Catgirl has insisted and stopped buying booze...is this not right? But he is obvs still the same as he was...

He didn't Ali which was one of the things that led me to explode on Friday night :(

Catgirl....you go to your folks if you can for a bloody break and have time to think....or he goes to a travel lodge or family.

He has cut down a lot on the drink from where it was. I am at fault there too as sometimes I want a glass of wine after work. But if we get two bottles, I will drink maybe half a bottle and he will drink the rest.

Well the GP is not a magician Catgirl. You are DS's mum he is a baby your H is an adult he is just going to have to sink or swim....horrible as that sounds ...your DS needs you healthy and productive.

ike - mental health problems are no excuse for any sort of bad behaviour but they are ofthen the reason!

catgirl - yes, i hope the GP is helpful too, it can make all the difference. I am very lucky that I have a good GP who is very practical and offers the help i need. ADs and referrals. I worry that your DH (being a man, and well, being human) will downplay the situation to his GP. I honestly don't think it would be unreasonable for you to talk to the GP as well (do you have the same GP?) just so tht he/she realises how bad the situation has become. I totally empathise with your DH on the jobs side of things, it is so easy to get in a rut and its hard to get out of. The good news is that I have just started counselling and whilst i am still unable to apply for jobs i cant even look at websites etc at present - i feel very positive that the counseller is going to help me get to a position that i can. I realise that this really wont come from the cousellor but from me, but i need help to get there.

I think ike is right to a degree though, all the while you are holding it all together for him, it is allowing him to stick his head in the sand, I am a bloody nervous wreck but if i am pushed to the wall, i can and do step up and sort things out. My DP is supportive, just as you are, but i can see the strain he is under with it all - i hate that, i adore him but i don't treat him well :( Its like a way of hurting myself when im crap to him.

I don't mean to hijack, sorry, but can just empathise so much with your situation.

Do you think he would be responsive to voluntary work? It doesn't even have to be charity work, it can be something he enjoys doing, his old field - it will do so much for him. Could you maybe get in touch with your local volunteer beureau for hm, or get him to go talk to them, i need to do this myself, have done before and you would be surprised the variety of things that are available. something positive to focus on?

Your DH is lucky to have you xx

Oh cat.

Massive hugs.

You won't find thie easy this I suspect - but his depression is no excuse for smashing things up in the house, nor for the weird behaviour re your Facebook. You need to separate out the things - and he has to find a way to replace whatever has broken. You need to make sure he faces up to the reality of his behaviour here.

As you know. My DH suffers with depression from time to time and it'd not easy. I know. But there are lines between depressed behaviour and a lack of control. I can't help but feel he's being manipulative here, he knows you are worried about him and he is using that to push things now.

The main thing you need to do is look after yourself. I'm jut heading to the gym - I didn't want to read and run, will look back later.

Be strong x

Time to learn to cut off the emotions Cat ...you have to ....you dont have a choice as I see it.

Well LEM I have a considerable experience of dealing with mental health issues (from personal and professional perspective) and while I see what you are seeing it is a red herring I am afraid and Cat has to put herself and her son first now.

Hugs back Rhonda - hope your DH is getting better x And thank you for your support now and in the past.

LEM you are not hi-jacking at all and I agree I should talk to the GP too and there is a danger he will down-play, but given the state he is in I don't think he will. I really hope things get better for you and I am glad you have a supportive DP and a good GP x

...you can support him Cat....but from a suitable distance ie you need boundaries now ...without them he will leave you a hollow shell.

:(

Yes I am sorry lovely...and the only way I can think to describe it is like this....ever been on a first aid course? There has been a major crisis...do you rush in to help heedless of your own safety? No.

You will not be able to help him if you are on your knees and you need to be around for the one that truely is helpless...DS.

Cat, when you've spoken to him about all of this before, what did he say?

I'm sorry things are so shit - i've posted before on your threads about it all. It was always going to get to this stage, wasn't it? Even if you hoped otherwise. But hope is not a plan.

I've been in the pit of despair when I didn't have a job. I know how hard it is to get out. I was lucky that events and people that had faith in me conspired to present me with a job that I now adore. But it was ME that had to take the action. I don't know how I did it, tbh, so I can't make any suggestions.

I hope he gets help from the gp. What worries me about your situation is that he will start to resent you, if he doesn't already.

I think he does coal

During the row he blamed me a lot for his current situation. Which really hurt. I have always tried to help him, tried to get him to a GP, worked to keep a roof over our heads, tried to cheer him up, encouraged him to make friends, get out and meet people, do voluntary work, offered to pay for him to do courses or go back to uni.

However, I do accept I have enabled his behavior. If I had left him would hate me, and it feels like he hates me for supporting him. :(

That dynamic is so harmful, both to the relationship and to him. And i would be concerned re risk to you. I know that's a harsh thing to consider but...

What suggestions does he have to help himself?

Just the GP. We have private health care through my work and he has agreed to push to be seen by a psychiatrist and to be taken seriously when he sees the GP.

He's agreed to the counseling but he says this is because that will make me realise how out of order I have been in terms of contact with my ex

There are times in your life when you need to put yourself (and your son) first. This is one of them. It is not your husband's fault that he has depression. It is his fault that he wont seek help and spends his days leaching off you. What sort of man lets their wife get up at dawn 6 days a week with their child and then do a full day's work whilst he plays video games all day, to the extent that she gets pneumonia and has a breakdown? I'll tell you- a waste of space who is not worthy of you.

Tell him it's over, to fuck off out, and come back when he's sorted himself out. Maybe he will, and maybe he wont, but either way, he wont whilst you still make excuses for him. If you cant bring yourself do that, then do this

• tell him things are going to change. NOW. He is going to spend his days soing housework, applying for jobs and whatever elese needs doing. he can start by fixing everything he smashed up
• Alcohol is banned from the house
• He's going to the GP and you want evidence of that
• He can change your FB log in back right now, and STFU about your ex.

If he wont agree to these, he's free to leave

You seem a cool person and I am so so angry for you right now. If he doesn't sort it, you'll find someone else who deserves you. Seriously, he will suck the life out of you.

He has fixed the stuff he smashed up (a chair, stair gate, cleared up all the broken glass etc). Last night he started looking for jobs on-line

I know he wants to change, he's just got to the point where he is so low he doesn't believe he can.

The is the first time I have believed him when he says he will go to the GP.

I am so worried about him. He is wandering round the house looking like he has seen a ghost and then sobbing. It's horrible

Not a good environment for you or DS to be in then Cat..

Well, hopefully this breakdown will be a breakthrough.

I know when i had no confidence, no amount of ruminating changed anything, really. It was action that made me take big strides. Having those wins where I could say "I did that". And being busy is a virtuous circle - i still struggle when I don't have much going on.

Well make sure he does, but do also get him to knock off the bottle. That can't be helping. I don't want you to think I'm not taking the depression seriously- I have personal experience of it through a close family member, albeit not a partner. They are also a heavy drinker, and all the worst episodes recently have all been alcohol related.

However, even though he feels like crap, he's going to feel that way if he's playing Grand Theft Auto or doing the hoovering, so he may as well be doing the hoovering. Dont let him take you for a ride. You're a person too.