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Original poster

fledgling relationship- is this what people do?

51 replies

twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:24

I had a third date with this guy last night, he mentioned he was going out in the week so i told him i was going out with work friends on friday. He asks if he is invited.
So i say he can come along if he wants and we chat about it on and off throughout the evening.
I dont know if he meant it or if i will see him again. But that aside, is this what people do so early on?
To me, and being something of a committment phobe its quite scary and a bit ' coupley' when no conversation about whats happening has happened. And then all my work people will have met him etc....
But it could just be that this is how these things develop?

I dont know?

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 18/05/2013 15:31

Confused do you want him to go? If not just say no and wait to do that sort of thing further down the line when you are ready. People are all different just do what feels right for you

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:38

I dont know, like i say, i have issues with committment.

To me it feels far too early, i dont really know him well enough to know how he is,or how he will be with people i work with. For example, i dont know that he wouldnt be a tit and show me up. And im not sure i want work people to know who im boffing.

Eveyone at work is young, there are usually parters tagging along to these things, so i dont expect it would be a big deal. It just feels like it to me.

But in the same respect, not allowing these things to happen kind of stops things naturally progressing, and i have been single a long time.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:40

Did he invite you to go with him to his outing?

It sounds a bit controlling to me.

Also something exH did when we started dating, he asked if he could go on holiday with me (seeing parents and family).

I'd say no and watch him carefully.

Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:41

Don't let your guard down just because you've been single a long time.

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:42

No he didnt.
I would be able to go as its midweek and he knows that anyway.

You really think thats controlling? He said ' am i invited' he didnt invite himself.

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 18/05/2013 15:45

Hmm, not been in the dating game for many years but remembering back to 'third date' feelings I don't think I'd be ready for the friends meet up quite yet.

I'd be inclined to get to know him a bit better but then again only you know how comfortable you'd feel in this situation.

aftermay · 18/05/2013 15:46

You've met him three times now. Can't you work out yet if he'll behave or be an arse?

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:46

My friend just laughed and told me yes, that is what people do. Ive met new boyfriends/ girlfriends of work people early on and not tbought anything of it ( they are all in their 20's)

Im mid 30's he is early 30's.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 18/05/2013 15:48

I don't think I would have invited a new bf to a works night out, ESP if its just a drink after work and not an organised do, with partners.

If you would rather he didn't, just say ill meet you at 8 as I we often continue to discuss work, or lets meet sat instead . If he pushes it just be nice and say, not really, its just its work talk and I don't want to be gossiped about!

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:49

Atfermay, i mean in that, work people are work people, we are all new ish to working with each other. They know the work me.

I dont know yet, having only just met, thathe hasnt got views on something i dont. Or wont get drunk and be an idiot. Or 1001 other things, because i dont know him. But then id have to keep working with these people. Does that make sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:50

Its a leaving do, so is a big thing, in pubs but its not formal.

OP posts:
ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte · 18/05/2013 15:52

You are boffing him but are holding back on introducing him to friends Grin

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte · 18/05/2013 15:53

I think you should say that you have talked to the people at work and no-one else is taking their b/g friend so you'd rather leave it this time... see how he reacts.

It's early on for him to ask if he's invited...

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 15:55

Yes :)

If he meets friends it sort of makes it a ' thing' as opposed to boffing. We are three dates in, i dont know if i want it to be a thing yet, you know.

But i might just be overcomplicating things.

OP posts:
BreadHamBread · 18/05/2013 15:57

I met dh's friends on our third date. It was a "some of us are going for a drink, fancy coming?" rather than me inviting myself though.

Maybe it's a good thing he feels comfortable enough to ask, maybe not! Confused

Lweji · 18/05/2013 16:02

It is inviting himself because you'll hardly say no, unless you have a lot of selfconfidence.

If he was you'd have said it.

It's up to you if you feel comfortable or not.

Having said that, watching him interact with your colleagues will probably tell you more than just dating.
You can introduce him as a friend, or just by name.
And you can always ask them what they thought of him.

Lizzabadger · 18/05/2013 16:20

I think it is a red flag. Say no and if he is an arse about it dump.

IslaValargeone · 18/05/2013 16:31

Red flag and controlling? Jesus!

Maybe he just likes you and felt comfortable enough to ask, but if you really don't feel like you have the cut of him yet, put him off until you are happy for it to 'be a thing'

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 16:32

So he couldnt have asked just because he wanted to see me again?
Even though we had talked odd plans about other stuff too?

I would/ will say no if i dont want him to come.im just not sure at the momment.

I cant see it as a red flag or being controlling else everyone elses partner ive met early on is also controlling... but they arent.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 16:35

It depends on whether they invited themselves or not.

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 16:36

I invited myself to his yesterday. I am not controlling.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 18/05/2013 16:37

No, I wasn't suggesting he was controlling.
I was expressing astonishment that these terms were being bandied about.

Original poster
twentypairs · 18/05/2013 16:41

Isla, me too,me too.

The man isnt controlling because he asked if he was invited, thats ridiclous.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 18/05/2013 16:50

I wouldn't let him come. Bit of a commitment phobe myself. Decide yourself if you like him before you introduce him to your friends. He could be a complete tool and everyone will keep asking you how it's going. Keep it on the quiet till you know if you like him.

kotinka · 18/05/2013 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.