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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

perpective - am too close to see it

58 replies

Pleasecansomeonereply · 14/05/2013 16:56

Really hoping for some clarity/objectivity here..

Married for 9 years.. 3 kids..(1st arrived after 2years together). I work PT, DH works FT. Big financial stresses (who hasn't)..... I am finding it really hard to get over some things that have happened in our relationship and some other things that are currently happening.

in the past: DH stopped having sex with me about 6 years ago because 'I had let myself go' this was just after I had our second baby and while I was managing all the renovations to our house... This devastated me... Then out of the blue about 2 years ago he said that the reason he had stopped having sex was that really that he blamed me for getting him into the 'family way' so to speak and I deduced from this that he was punishing me.

He has actively kept me and his friends apart.... Every time a night out is arranged he used to say 'boys only' and then come home and say that other girlfriends/wives were there. When I challenged him on this he told me he 'didn't know' they were coming. I politely suggested that he ask in future and then we would be better placed to make a decision. Cue several repeats where I am at home with the kids and he is out.

Currently:we are going through marriage guidance after years of requests from me. I am really hurting with the process at the minute. He is cooperating in his own way but am not sure its enough.
He is going to a party this weekend with other friends he knows through his hobby... I happen to know that I have been invited by the organiser but sadly DH has not mentioned this to me or asked me if I would like to come... WTF??!!
Sex life is non-existent... It was never great but I felt I tried my best to seduce/see his point of view. Consequence of this is zero intimacy... He expects laughs and outward displays of affection around others... (but doesn't provide same at home)

I am anxious and stressed and receiving treatment for this... I think however that he plays on my weaknesses..

What do you all think? I know I am not perfect but I have tried so hard to be reasonable and meet him half way. I am 37 xx

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 14/05/2013 16:58

Seems like he has put his life into compartments and you are in the housewife one. He doesn't give you much attention. He gives out the minimum.

Not even sure if either of you happy but perhaps it is easier than rocking the boat?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2013 17:04

Blimey, that sounds awful.
I'd want out, but that's just me.
You need decide what you want for YOUR future.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life???
Do you deserve better (of course you do!)
I think it's final decision time!
But... You will need to be very brave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2013 17:32

" He is cooperating in his own way but am not sure its enough."

Are you surprised if he's only paying lip-service? His life sounds terrific. He gets to act like a single man, out with his friends, probably getting his sexual needs sorted out at the same time (sorry..) by women connected with the hobby ... and he has you at home running around thinking you're responsible for a) driving him away and b) keeping him happy. What possible incentive does he have for changing?

There is no 'meeting half-way' with selfish bullies like your DH. Marriage guidance is a waste of time because he has no intention of doing anything any differently. I'm very sorry you're anxious and stressed but the solution to your problems is not treatment. It's giving this horrible man the heave-ho.

springymater · 14/05/2013 19:36

here here. Get rid. He sounds unbelievably nasty. Has he looked in the mirror lately? Mind you, mirrors don't tell what's on the inside - now that would be horrible in his case.

What a nasty piece of work. YOu've been strung along and, yes, heave-ho time.

TurnipCake · 14/05/2013 19:43

Good God, OP, what a miserable existence for you, of course you're anxious and stressed. Echoing what others have said, I'd be calling it a day, life's too short, you deserve to be happy

foolonthehill · 14/05/2013 21:41

You only have one life...is this how you want to live it?

There are loads of reasons to stick with a marriage or to work at it, but it will only work if BOTH of you are prepared to put in the effort. He has shown you that he is not. Going to marriage guidance is not enough...it's not magic. if he doesn't work at it and is not prepared to change then it is a waste of time and money.

What do you want OP?

GivesYouHell · 14/05/2013 21:42

You're an unpaid employee. It's time to hand in your notice, LTB and go self employed.

Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 14/05/2013 21:50

hi all

thank you for your kind and supportive replies... last night I thought I was starting to go crazy with all of this.

Cogito - I think you have hit the nail on the head. when I first read your reply I thought 'ouch' but I did ask for opinions as I cant see straight with this.

I am a very analytical person and tend to overthink most things... this is what makes inside my head feel like a tin of spaghetti flopping all over the place! I seem to be stuck in the past and haven't got over the hurt yet... BUT who is to say I'm not just impossible to please and that he cant win either way?

I have come a long way in managing my own behaviour and reactions to situations and I am sad that he hasn't. Maybe my mistake was hoping he would change a bit too....

I think I will give it a few more months until I have come out of the 'fug' and make a decision when I am feeling more clear-headed and rational.

Thank you thank you all springy turnip hells and pancake

Who would want me anyway.. six stone overweight, anxious and over-analysing... what a catch Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 14/05/2013 21:53

fool - exactly.. the counsellor has asked us both to come back next week with what we want in our marriage..... I can hardly think.

I do know that I would like companionship, intimacy, support, someone who I can respect and admire....

He is trying (albeit verrryyy slowly) to put me first.. So I guess I need to keep at him and see what it brings over the next few months.

I should clarify that we do have sex now and again... last time was 23rd march tho... six weeks. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 14/05/2013 21:54

gives I love your turn of phrase Grin

OP posts:
MrsBombastic · 14/05/2013 21:57

I agree with COGITO... this guy is an asshole.

I'm sorry you are so unhappy but there is one sure fire way to cure that... divorce. x

foolonthehill · 14/05/2013 22:01

^I am a very analytical person and tend to overthink most things... this is what makes inside my head feel like a tin of spaghetti flopping all over the place!^

Ha, spaghetti head mess....I had this . I am willing to bet large sums of money (that I do not have) that your "over thinking" would turn into good logical problem solving were you to be able to extract yourself from his excessive influence and re-establish good normal boundaries where you are responsible for yourself and your reactions and not taking responsibility for him and his actions/reactions.

Phineyj · 14/05/2013 22:07

Argh, spaghetti head mess, been there, got the tshirt (you are very articulate btw, OP).

I think give the marriage guidance a good go before giving up? At least then you will know you tried your best. It's just possible the counselling may give your DH a wake up call.

foolonthehill · 14/05/2013 22:15

How much are your feelings, your needs, your opinions valued by your h?,

Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 14/05/2013 22:23

phineyj thank you for your compliment :)

Just having a 'discussion' right now about now the party... I asked if the years of support whereby every six months he is out of the house for approx. 7-8 hours per week with his hobby meant nothing to him... did that not merit, perhaps, an acknowledgement nay even a THANK YOU , by bringing me.
He has said he wants to keep his friends thru hobby 'separate' from me.. Jesus.
Maybe that answers your question fool ? I notice you left out the 'd' ! Grin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 06:41

"I do know that I would like companionship, intimacy, support, someone who I can respect and admire...."

How about someone who respects and admires you, whatever you happen to weigh or however thoughtful and analytical you are? How about someone who enhances your self-esteem rather than someone who keeps you behind closed doors crushing your spirit every time he opens his mouth? How about, in short, someone who actually loves you...?

Of course he wants to keep his hobby friends separate. One of them is his girlfriend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 06:44

" who is to say I'm not just impossible to please and that he cant win either way?"

You're not impossible to please. I've never met your husband and I've only got your pencil sketch to go on but quite honestly I wouldn't give anyone house-room that chose to tell me, after producing his second child, that I had 'let myself go'. (I suppose he's an oil painting? Hmm )

At that point OP you should have let him go....

calmingtea · 15/05/2013 07:49

I am anxious and stressed and receiving treatment for this... I think however that he plays on my weaknesses.. this stood out for me. It is perfectly possible that your stress and anxiety are being caused by him/his behaviour, and you need to work out whether you feel this is the case for you. If that is the case it doesn't matter how much treatment you get if you don't make changes.

Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 15/05/2013 11:44

gosh so much to think through. calming - what you have said has resonated with me - the anxiety and stress are heightened because of him

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2013 18:42

Of course a relationship takes effort and no-one should take their partner for granted, but sounds like you somehow became the fall guy while Mr Hobby dictates the pace. No trouble with your sense of perspective OP.

Punishing you for getting pregnant? Bad mouthing you for not living up to his standards? Skipping off to nights out leaving you at home then rubbing your face in it? Hours out at his hobby half the year, does he enable you any free time? Wants public displays of affection and in return no sex?

Nothing wrong with your perceptions, Pleasecansomeonereply.

foolonthehill · 16/05/2013 12:04

The question is what do you want to do about it, being as how we all reckon you can see it and articulate it very well?

Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 18/05/2013 14:11

well I suppose I have buried my feelings over the years - believing that I need to consider others' feelings etc and then at the same time dismissing my own...(crazy but have pretty domineering parents and have generally backed down for a quiet life)

I'll live whatever happens... I've told DH that he absolutely broke my heart and he's mortified (of course)

I feel good in that I can make a decision and that I don't need others' approval - that has been progress for me x

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 18/05/2013 14:18

He doesn't sound very pleasant. In fact, he sounds like a judgemental cruel dick.

I bet if he was out of your life that your anxiety would miraculously disappear.

Original poster
Pleasecansomeonereply · 18/05/2013 15:10

beryl you are prob right. I am frightened of the change tho and how it might upset the DC's..

OP posts:
GilmoursPillow · 18/05/2013 15:21

Seeing their mother happy and blooming probably won't upset your DCs all that much at all.