perpective - am too close to see it

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Really hoping for some clarity/objectivity here..

Married for 9 years.. 3 kids..(1st arrived after 2years together). I work PT, DH works FT. Big financial stresses (who hasn't)..... I am finding it really hard to get over some things that have happened in our relationship and some other things that are currently happening.

in the past: DH stopped having sex with me about 6 years ago because 'I had let myself go' this was just after I had our second baby and while I was managing all the renovations to our house... This devastated me... Then out of the blue about 2 years ago he said that the reason he had stopped having sex was that really that he blamed me for getting him into the 'family way' so to speak and I deduced from this that he was punishing me.

He has actively kept me and his friends apart.... Every time a night out is arranged he used to say 'boys only' and then come home and say that other girlfriends/wives were there. When I challenged him on this he told me he 'didn't know' they were coming. I politely suggested that he ask in future and then we would be better placed to make a decision. Cue several repeats where I am at home with the kids and he is out.

Currently:we are going through marriage guidance after years of requests from me. I am really hurting with the process at the minute. He is cooperating in his own way but am not sure its enough.
He is going to a party this weekend with other friends he knows through his hobby... I happen to know that I have been invited by the organiser but sadly DH has not mentioned this to me or asked me if I would like to come... WTF??!!
Sex life is non-existent... It was never great but I felt I tried my best to seduce/see his point of view. Consequence of this is zero intimacy... He expects laughs and outward displays of affection around others... (but doesn't provide same at home)

I am anxious and stressed and receiving treatment for this... I think however that he plays on my weaknesses..

What do you all think? I know I am not perfect but I have tried so hard to be reasonable and meet him half way. I am 37 xx

Actually, OP, I think you should stick to your guns.
Only when he realises that the PERSON - because I don't feel you are any kind of wife for him, inasmuch as a wife would be his equal in the marriage... is not going to be around to wash up, clean, tidy etc etc etc for him - does he start to make an effort.
Cock lodger is what he is.
And I am sorry, but I TOTALLY think he is getting sex elsewhere. That is just about a fact. Surely you can see this? And if not, then he's being utterly bloody fucking selfish to you. How very DARE he comment on your physical attractiveness? George Fucking Clooney, is he?
You go work out those financials and see where you stand.

I echo a pp who said that your self analysis of somebody who is a loser/overweight/anxious..... etc - would ALL change, once you got rid of him.

I'm appalled. Continue to sort yourself out, rediscover and insist on your self esteem and assert some rules. Give him the order of the boot, I would.

Hugs. Bollocks to MN etiquette. Here's another one too. Hug. What a total shit he is.

Thank you.. its a real mindfuck.... he just said he'd not stand in my way if I want to separate. hmm
THEN proceeded to open his heart about how jealous he is; of other people and their lives and that it has basically consumed him
declared that he had been a selfish arrogant git - but had not done it out of malice?
Hmm again.
oh God its shit.

All about him, isn't it?

Your H sounds narcissistic and life with a narc is just plain bloody desolate.

I sincerely hope you find the courage within yourself to leave this person. Your children will thank you ultimately for doing so, they won't thank you for staying with him and will wonder why you did.

Not altogether surprised to read about your parents, they also played a huge part here in you eventually meeting this man.

so you've upped the anti, pulled the rug, all those cliches, and it's only now it's dawning on him.

what a shame for him, and you've been bringing up three children, working damned hard on yourself, and taking care of four people to boot.

then he STILL makes it all about himself!!

cut the ties. you're wasting your time with him.

oh god... have told him I want us to separate. he is very morose. we are getting on ok but I have told him that this does not change things.

gosh being married to the wrong person cant half suck the lifeblood out of you.

he told me is is grieving for our marriage and how could I do this... I retorted that I was grieving too - for my self-esteem and personal beliefs. that I had done way more than would ever be necessary to ease things and he hadn't arsed himself one bit.

Attila you mentioned narcissism... so much of that rings true for me...

Think we'll have to stay in the house together as there is almost no equity (thank you recession!!) and we wont be able to afford the mortgage and a separate rent payment.

heading outside into the garden now.. sun is shining... he has kids at the supermarket and I am going to enjoy some short lived peace.

thank you all! x

Pleasecan, I'm glad you have been able to make what must have been a big decision.

I don't like the way he treated you.

Best of luck.

Please do not stay in the same house for more than a few weeks. If there is no equity sell anyway and rent.

Truly, it never works long term and living with someone like him is a nightmare. Anyway it could work out just great for him as what would change if you stayed on the same house.

I also think you made the right decision. The way to remind yourself that you made the right decision is not to think about who is is or why, but ask yourself whether the effects on you are acceptable . And as you say, they are not. Quite right too.