perpective - am too close to see it

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Really hoping for some clarity/objectivity here..

Married for 9 years.. 3 kids..(1st arrived after 2years together). I work PT, DH works FT. Big financial stresses (who hasn't)..... I am finding it really hard to get over some things that have happened in our relationship and some other things that are currently happening.

in the past: DH stopped having sex with me about 6 years ago because 'I had let myself go' this was just after I had our second baby and while I was managing all the renovations to our house... This devastated me... Then out of the blue about 2 years ago he said that the reason he had stopped having sex was that really that he blamed me for getting him into the 'family way' so to speak and I deduced from this that he was punishing me.

He has actively kept me and his friends apart.... Every time a night out is arranged he used to say 'boys only' and then come home and say that other girlfriends/wives were there. When I challenged him on this he told me he 'didn't know' they were coming. I politely suggested that he ask in future and then we would be better placed to make a decision. Cue several repeats where I am at home with the kids and he is out.


Currently:we are going through marriage guidance after years of requests from me. I am really hurting with the process at the minute. He is cooperating in his own way but am not sure its enough.
He is going to a party this weekend with other friends he knows through his hobby... I happen to know that I have been invited by the organiser but sadly DH has not mentioned this to me or asked me if I would like to come... WTF??!!
Sex life is non-existent... It was never great but I felt I tried my best to seduce/see his point of view. Consequence of this is zero intimacy... He expects laughs and outward displays of affection around others... (but doesn't provide same at home)

I am anxious and stressed and receiving treatment for this... I think however that he plays on my weaknesses..

What do you all think? I know I am not perfect but I have tried so hard to be reasonable and meet him half way. I am 37 xx

[onefewernow]

Please do not stay in the same house for more than a few weeks. If there is no equity sell anyway and rent.

Truly, it never works long term and living with someone like him is a nightmare. Anyway it could work out just great for him as what would change if you stayed on the same house.

I also think you made the right decision. The way to remind yourself that you made the right decision is not to think about who is is or why, but ask yourself whether the effects on you are acceptable . And as you say, they are not. Quite right too.

[BerylStreep]

Pleasecan, I'm glad you have been able to make what must have been a big decision.

I don't like the way he treated you.

Best of luck.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

oh god... have told him I want us to separate. he is very morose. we are getting on ok but I have told him that this does not change things.

gosh being married to the wrong person cant half suck the lifeblood out of you.

he told me is is grieving for our marriage and how could I do this... I retorted that I was grieving too - for my self-esteem and personal beliefs. that I had done way more than would ever be necessary to ease things and he hadn't arsed himself one bit.

Attila you mentioned narcissism... so much of that rings true for me...

Think we'll have to stay in the house together as there is almost no equity (thank you recession!!) and we wont be able to afford the mortgage and a separate rent payment.

heading outside into the garden now.. sun is shining... he has kids at the supermarket and I am going to enjoy some short lived peace.

thank you all! x

[piratecat]

so you've upped the anti, pulled the rug, all those cliches, and it's only now it's dawning on him.

what a shame for him, and you've been bringing up three children, working damned hard on yourself, and taking care of four people to boot.

then he STILL makes it all about himself!!

cut the ties. you're wasting your time with him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your H sounds narcissistic and life with a narc is just plain bloody desolate.

I sincerely hope you find the courage within yourself to leave this person. Your children will thank you ultimately for doing so, they won't thank you for staying with him and will wonder why you did.

Not altogether surprised to read about your parents, they also played a huge part here in you eventually meeting this man.

[BerylStreep]

All about him, isn't it?

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Thank you.. its a real mindfuck.... he just said he'd not stand in my way if I want to separate. hmm
THEN proceeded to open his heart about how jealous he is; of other people and their lives and that it has basically consumed him
declared that he had been a selfish arrogant git - but had not done it out of malice?
Hmm again.
oh God its shit.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Actually, OP, I think you should stick to your guns.
Only when he realises that the PERSON - because I don't feel you are any kind of wife for him, inasmuch as a wife would be his equal in the marriage... is not going to be around to wash up, clean, tidy etc etc etc for him - does he start to make an effort.
Cock lodger is what he is.
And I am sorry, but I TOTALLY think he is getting sex elsewhere. That is just about a fact. Surely you can see this? And if not, then he's being utterly bloody fucking selfish to you. How very DARE he comment on your physical attractiveness? George Fucking Clooney, is he?
You go work out those financials and see where you stand.

I echo a pp who said that your self analysis of somebody who is a loser/overweight/anxious..... etc - would ALL change, once you got rid of him.

I'm appalled. Continue to sort yourself out, rediscover and insist on your self esteem and assert some rules. Give him the order of the boot, I would.

Hugs. Bollocks to MN etiquette. Here's another one too. Hug. What a total shit he is.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

please this is par for the course. Any effort they put in always usually falls away once they have reeled you back in. Do have a look at top post of EA thread, and join in if you want...

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

funny he asked me very honestly if I could let him try again. said he had been utterly remiss in his duties has a husband, friend and confidante to me.

Thing is - everything is magnified now - am sure my bp must be through the roof. WE had a row walking round the park with the kids last night until I had a panic attack. I literally could not breathe.

He seemed concerned but I wouldn't let him touch me/comfort me.

I don't think I can forgive him after all. But I feel awful for the kids x

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

How are you doing, OP? If he listened to you the other day and has noticed a change in you, you're into what could be the hardest time. He may well work hard to get you back where he wants you, including promises to change and pretending to be nice. Don't be fooled! Like you said, you've got to be really brave now.

[Jestrin]

I think I will give it a few more months until I have come out of the 'fug' and make a decision when I am feeling more clear-headed and rational.

I'm sorry OP you are only dragging it out. He is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings at all. I think you can see that but don't want to admit it to yourself. He needs to leave. The clear thinking you search will only come with him gone.

[springymater]

What a desolate 8 years you've been through

I absolutely guarantee that any depression/anxiety will practically vanish once you get rid of this horrible 'man'.

Fuck what anybody else thinks. At last you've seen the light. It's all up from here sweetie.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

thank you everyone for your kind words.... not sure what else to say really x

[AnyFucker]

Why would others condemn you ? The way you have been emotionally abused by this man is beyond disgusting.

Hold your head up high, love, you have tried waaaaay beyond the call of duty to swallow who you really are so you can stay with him

No more. You carry on along this path of getting free of this millstone. You have nothing to reproach yourself for, and if anyone tries, tell them the truth about your "marriage"

You owe this man nothing but you owe yourself and your kids a happier life.

[StickyProblem]

Good luck Please :) xx

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

he said ok.... and added he might attend himself anyway (i've no probs with that)

Have also started to research rental costs, potential benefits I may be entitled to, looked and read CAB website etc.

You know what? I slept so well last night after I told him all this. Went to bed at 9.30 with some crisps, a laptop and a mag.

Now I just need to curtail the crisps... Need to be strong for the DC's.

I don't care anymore if others condemn me. That something I never thought I would feel.

I will no longer accept being told 'well he's great with the kids' 'you're so lucky to have him' 'he's great company and a laugh' 'at least he agreed to counselling'

ive got to be really brave now x

[hellsbellsmelons]

And are you now getting away him?
He sounds horrible!
Good luck moving things forward.

[StuffezLaYoni]

And how did he respond?

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Well

I have told him that I am not prepared to attend marriage counselling with him. I have attended counselling on and off for 8 years to try and get to the root of my depression/anxiety.

I've analysed/adapted/allowed enough shite to last me two lifetimes. truth is I simply no longer believe him when he says he wants to change.

I have told him that our marriage was all about putting his needs first (by both me and him)

Am such a fool for believing this shite. I am upset that he never read up on or tried to understand my mental health issues - even to the extent that he explained his first concern when I commenced most recent counselling (last year) was how badly things would reflect on him.

Arsehole.

[BerylStreep]

I agree.

It is also obvious he is getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere. He stopped having sex with you because you had 'let yourself go' Good attempt to blame you for his cheating arse.

[springymater]

Couldn't agree more with AnyFucker. Do you get that word - dismantling ??

This man is a cruel bastard. I bet your self-esteem has plummetted in relation to your weight rocketing. He is a nasty piece of work, slithering around under the surface.

You're tying yourself in knots trying to make the non-existent appear out of thin air. He doesn't love you, he humiliates you. Probably gets off on it, makes him feel good.

GET OUT sweetheart. Your kids are imbibing this. It may not be obvious abuse but it's in the air they breathe.

Stop counselling with him - he will only use it to hurt you more. Please my darling, get out of this appalling relationship.

[AnyFucker]

You intimidated him ?

he's certainly done a good job of dismantling you since then, hasn't he ?

Why are you sticking around for more of the same treatment ? Did your previous therapy have no impact at all ?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He's chipping away at them to even things up, then. You deserve better.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

AF - joint counselling just started -been asking him for years.


I have been through CBT and person-centered counselling before to try and understand my anxiety and door-mat like behaviour.

he hsaid when we met I intimidated him ... my so-called intelligence, looks and ability apparently. hmm.

off out now to get dcs but am so grateful for your responses x