perpective - am too close to see it

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Really hoping for some clarity/objectivity here..

Married for 9 years.. 3 kids..(1st arrived after 2years together). I work PT, DH works FT. Big financial stresses (who hasn't)..... I am finding it really hard to get over some things that have happened in our relationship and some other things that are currently happening.

in the past: DH stopped having sex with me about 6 years ago because 'I had let myself go' this was just after I had our second baby and while I was managing all the renovations to our house... This devastated me... Then out of the blue about 2 years ago he said that the reason he had stopped having sex was that really that he blamed me for getting him into the 'family way' so to speak and I deduced from this that he was punishing me.

He has actively kept me and his friends apart.... Every time a night out is arranged he used to say 'boys only' and then come home and say that other girlfriends/wives were there. When I challenged him on this he told me he 'didn't know' they were coming. I politely suggested that he ask in future and then we would be better placed to make a decision. Cue several repeats where I am at home with the kids and he is out.


Currently:we are going through marriage guidance after years of requests from me. I am really hurting with the process at the minute. He is cooperating in his own way but am not sure its enough.
He is going to a party this weekend with other friends he knows through his hobby... I happen to know that I have been invited by the organiser but sadly DH has not mentioned this to me or asked me if I would like to come... WTF??!!
Sex life is non-existent... It was never great but I felt I tried my best to seduce/see his point of view. Consequence of this is zero intimacy... He expects laughs and outward displays of affection around others... (but doesn't provide same at home)

I am anxious and stressed and receiving treatment for this... I think however that he plays on my weaknesses..

What do you all think? I know I am not perfect but I have tried so hard to be reasonable and meet him half way. I am 37 xx

[wheredidiputit]

Who would want me anyway.. six stone overweight, anxious and over-analysing... what a catch

I'm guessing once you have sorted out whether you stay or leave this statement will also change.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Hi OP did you go with 'D'H to the party, have you decided what to raise at marriage counselling this week?

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

hiya

didn't go to party. he didn't want me there. I have to respect his choice even if I don't agree with it.

he did expect to regale me w ith tales of the party etc, how great the food was, how people were asking for me etc. the mind boggles.

as for counselling - I don't know - maybe this... is it a reasonable boundary in a marriage... if I had a hobby would I want my DH involved - Id like to think I would.

the sex thing is troubling me greatly.. alright the incidents/blame came out in the past, but I don't think they have ever really gone away as he never makes a move...

thing is he is (in his words) not well hung ... I would agree but have never mentioned it to him... I don't know if this is affecting his self esteem or not.

maybe I am making excuses and he is just lazy...

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Right, well I would raise that party episode at next counselling. I have never been to counselling but perhaps you could say it hurt your feelings that he still did not ask you along, then regaled you with details! Perhaps you could ask what leads him to trample on you?

If he is so insensitive about sharing intimacy it doesn't surprise me he won't be bothered about spending time with you. You put up with his behaviour because you want a quiet harmonious life. He has somehow got it into his head, you will take that kind of treatment. Not because he is better endowed with Mother Nature's gifts by the sound of it. Not because he is entitled to oodles of leisure time because he is out of the humdrum domestic world doing a FT job which is salaried. you pull your weight, you work PT, you run the home.

No reason people shouldn't enjoy their own circle of friends, be able to pursue their own interests, but not at the cost of their partner's happiness, not to the extent they always exclude them.

Damaged self-confidence? Esteem in tatters? this from the man who is supposed to be closest to you, an ally, a team-mate? It took him about 5 years' after the birth of DC1 to verbalise his upset about him impregnating you. Punishing you, indeed. Still went on to have two more DCs. Bit late in the day to moan about finances. Apparently enough in the family coffers to indulge in his hobby so much.

I think you are getting the short end of the straw here, OP.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

thanks donkeys I will raise and report back if its reportable! these things are so difficult :(

[AnyFucker]

I too think he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere

he views you as housemaid and raiser of his dc's who tries to interfere in his "other" life

I am finding it difficult to understand why you are passively accepting this, and also why counselling doesn't appear to be helping one jot

is this joint counselling ? If so, give it up and get yourself some individual sessions

you need to find out why you are settling for so little

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

AF is right, if you feel like you get no say in this counselling or he manages to explain away or excuse everything, then this is just making things worse.

[AnyFucker]

It's one of the reasons why joint counselling is a very bad idea where there is abuse (and emotional manipulation counts as abuse) in a relationship

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

AF - joint counselling just started -been asking him for years.


I have been through CBT and person-centered counselling before to try and understand my anxiety and door-mat like behaviour.

he hsaid when we met I intimidated him ... my so-called intelligence, looks and ability apparently. hmm.

off out now to get dcs but am so grateful for your responses x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He's chipping away at them to even things up, then. You deserve better.

[AnyFucker]

You intimidated him ?

he's certainly done a good job of dismantling you since then, hasn't he ?

Why are you sticking around for more of the same treatment ? Did your previous therapy have no impact at all ?

[springymater]

Couldn't agree more with AnyFucker. Do you get that word - dismantling ??

This man is a cruel bastard. I bet your self-esteem has plummetted in relation to your weight rocketing. He is a nasty piece of work, slithering around under the surface.

You're tying yourself in knots trying to make the non-existent appear out of thin air. He doesn't love you, he humiliates you. Probably gets off on it, makes him feel good.

GET OUT sweetheart. Your kids are imbibing this. It may not be obvious abuse but it's in the air they breathe.

Stop counselling with him - he will only use it to hurt you more. Please my darling, get out of this appalling relationship.

[BerylStreep]

I agree.

It is also obvious he is getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere. He stopped having sex with you because you had 'let yourself go' Good attempt to blame you for his cheating arse.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

Well

I have told him that I am not prepared to attend marriage counselling with him. I have attended counselling on and off for 8 years to try and get to the root of my depression/anxiety.

I've analysed/adapted/allowed enough shite to last me two lifetimes. truth is I simply no longer believe him when he says he wants to change.

I have told him that our marriage was all about putting his needs first (by both me and him)

Am such a fool for believing this shite. I am upset that he never read up on or tried to understand my mental health issues - even to the extent that he explained his first concern when I commenced most recent counselling (last year) was how badly things would reflect on him.

Arsehole.

[StuffezLaYoni]

And how did he respond?

[hellsbellsmelons]

And are you now getting away him?
He sounds horrible!
Good luck moving things forward.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

he said ok.... and added he might attend himself anyway (i've no probs with that)

Have also started to research rental costs, potential benefits I may be entitled to, looked and read CAB website etc.

You know what? I slept so well last night after I told him all this. Went to bed at 9.30 with some crisps, a laptop and a mag.

Now I just need to curtail the crisps... Need to be strong for the DC's.

I don't care anymore if others condemn me. That something I never thought I would feel.

I will no longer accept being told 'well he's great with the kids' 'you're so lucky to have him' 'he's great company and a laugh' 'at least he agreed to counselling'

ive got to be really brave now x

[StickyProblem]

Good luck Please :) xx

[AnyFucker]

Why would others condemn you ? The way you have been emotionally abused by this man is beyond disgusting.

Hold your head up high, love, you have tried waaaaay beyond the call of duty to swallow who you really are so you can stay with him

No more. You carry on along this path of getting free of this millstone. You have nothing to reproach yourself for, and if anyone tries, tell them the truth about your "marriage"

You owe this man nothing but you owe yourself and your kids a happier life.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

thank you everyone for your kind words.... not sure what else to say really x

[springymater]

What a desolate 8 years you've been through

I absolutely guarantee that any depression/anxiety will practically vanish once you get rid of this horrible 'man'.

Fuck what anybody else thinks. At last you've seen the light. It's all up from here sweetie.

[Jestrin]

I think I will give it a few more months until I have come out of the 'fug' and make a decision when I am feeling more clear-headed and rational.

I'm sorry OP you are only dragging it out. He is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings at all. I think you can see that but don't want to admit it to yourself. He needs to leave. The clear thinking you search will only come with him gone.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

How are you doing, OP? If he listened to you the other day and has noticed a change in you, you're into what could be the hardest time. He may well work hard to get you back where he wants you, including promises to change and pretending to be nice. Don't be fooled! Like you said, you've got to be really brave now.

[Pleasecansomeonereply]

funny he asked me very honestly if I could let him try again. said he had been utterly remiss in his duties has a husband, friend and confidante to me.

Thing is - everything is magnified now - am sure my bp must be through the roof. WE had a row walking round the park with the kids last night until I had a panic attack. I literally could not breathe.

He seemed concerned but I wouldn't let him touch me/comfort me.

I don't think I can forgive him after all. But I feel awful for the kids x

[TheSilveryPussycat]

please this is par for the course. Any effort they put in always usually falls away once they have reeled you back in. Do have a look at top post of EA thread, and join in if you want...