Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

You may have been .....and full marks to you for recognising that perhaps you were. We all have been petty, now and then, but that really isn't the point Mrs M.

The point is that you said that you would prefer it not to be that night. If you had people visiting then that is as good a reason as any reasonable person needs. If you say "No" its because you have the absolute right to say what you feel. You offered an acceptable alternative of the next night. And the result was that your "no" was ignored and you were treated in a way which upset and distressed you. That is not acceptable. It took away your right to say "No" and invaded your personal space.

I am someone who always wants to avoid confrontation, and the very last person to jump up and down saying "cause a fuss", but (along with everyone else here) badly want you to recognise that you are still being managed by him ......in one way or another....and always to his advantage, not yours. Whether emotionally through blaming you for your daughters upsets, or physically by banging on windows at night because you aren't doing what he wants, he is manipulating your behaviour at every step and if you don't put a stop to it then he will continue to walk all over you ....up to and including the divorce settlement!!

I have walked in those shoes Mrs M. and so completely believed that my ex would beat me in court that I signed away much of my dues after 30 years of marriage. I was totally trained to believe my place was in the wrong, and stupid. Seven years later, my view of myself is very different and would give a lot to face the b and stand up for myself.

Please listen Mrs M.....not to us, the battle scarred, but to your solicitor Call him, and tell him what happened. Ask him if it is possible for all communication to be rooted through him, and all appointments to be made through him, And ask him if there is a way to prevent upsets like last night from happening again.........truist me, he won't tell you that the way to avoid them is for you to roll over and "do what you are told".

xxx

Mrsmciver I have been reading your thread, following your rollercoaster of emotions with wide eyes - I'm on that ride myself and am bewildered how you can go from crumbling to feisty to crumbling again. So it's been reassuring in some way to see that this is somewhat normal.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I'm also amazed at the support and sense that has come from the people posting to you. I thought I might start my own thread (as a new person to mumsnet I realise this is what you do, rather than hijack someone else's!) I just hope that some of you might be around to help chivvy me along too...

In the meantime, I hope the good days start to outnumber the bad
x

Hi Lambzig, I can understand your frustration with me, have just read my post and realised what it sounds like. Maybe I am just so conditioned to doing things when he wants them done? I don't know any other way. I did think last night "oh I was being petty and unreasonable" when the truth was i just couldn't be bothered getting off my bum! And I wanted to make him wait too.

Feck it, I am sorry you are going through this too, I really am, would not wish this on anyone. It is so difficult to try and sort out all the practical stuff as well when your heart is broken.
Was trying to get my council tax sorted but there is a two week wait for a call back for a reduction in it! And was twenty minutes on the phone while they filled out a form, and I have to go into the council offices to show i.d. too!
Am now on sleeping tablets and anti d's, my GP, who is really lovely, said everything I am experiencing is normal, from the weeping, wailing to the anger and grief and it will all get mixed up from day to day.
Mumn - you have such good practical advice, i do appreciate it. When my head is all mush(like right now), I can forget good advice and my emotions take over, but all of you out there please don't think I am not taking your advice on board, I am listening to you all but I feel so beaten down at times that it can be hard to put things in practice.
I really am trying to live.

Bless you Mrs M, we know. We have all been there. Sometimes we may take a tougher tone, because it seems to us that you need to stand up for yourself, but we are all rooting for you ....and each of us knows how painful the process is. It is great news that your GP thinks you are 'normal' in this grieving process (so much for the accusations that you are an hysteric etc from the OH). We have always known it

I can tell you that there was a point when I realised I hadn't eaten for three days.
A point when I hunched over my steering wheel in a friends drive, and made noises like some wounded animal, before I could find the strength to get out of the car and tell her what was happening in my life.
There was a point when I contemplated suicide. Like you, I have daughters, so that one was off the agenda fairly fast!

Like all of us, I got through ....one small step at a time. Right now you are taking baby steps forward and huge lurches back, because it is very early days. The balance will change.

I think we are all just trying to help you to make that change happen more easily ... by giving you an external view about what is 'right' and 'wrong' in the way you are being treated. Some of us - and I hold my hand up - can be quite strong in our views about the importance of backup from legals. Thats a take it or leave it choice. All that counts is that you know you are supported ..... and you are doing as well as any of us did

I do agree with Lambzig and yes, you have been conditioned by him and as such you will have those positive feelings towards him - and probably negative feelings towards those who are trying to 'rescue' you from him. This is normal but very hard to recognise in yourself, because, as you have found out, you are so conditioned to think that it's your fault. You makes excuses for his behavior and then you say it really believing it to be your true thought.

So because you have been 'conditioned' you then make excuses for his behavior and it appears to the outside world that you have an inability to enage in behaviors to help you move on/away. You think he is your world because tha'ts what he wants you to think. Think of all the little things over the years that he has said (you alluded to them - calling you hysterical, refering to your health problems) - all to make you think it's your fault. This behavior interspersed with acts of kindness and 'love' are absolutely classic.

For those who are trying to help, it frustrates the hell out us because we can see him for what he is.

(Hope this makes sense, as I am at work and shouldn't really be mnetting!).

goaded into joining springymater in swearing by this awful man

Not me, guv - it's the Mumsnet effect

I meant to carry on there but MN thought otherwise and posted - worrying, when I one sometimes types stuff one have no intention of posting...

I was going to say that last night was not petty at all . It was a small thing but it spoke volumes. re -

he takes off, throwing you and his family away
BUT
he thinks he still has all the rights of lord of the manor

HE DOES NOT.

He can't be ordering you around, expecting you to jump to when he says so. You were not being petty to say no, you were protecting your boundaries.

There will be a steep learning curve ahead of protecting your boundaries - because this miserable excuse has no intention of honouring your boundaries and intends to ride roughshod all over them.

eg last night he rode roughshod over your boundaries, creating a horrible scene, harassing you, belittling you - all over a few books. Too bad he left his books behind - he also left his wife and daughters behind too. he can't just pick up and put down when he feels like it.

Keep going more of that, keep protecting your boundaries. It is far from petty. You two are not blurred into one - he threw that away. He needs to learn where you end and he begins - and he'll learn that by you enforcing it.

(btw don't tell him what you're doing - don't send him a postcard! Don't mean to be patronising there but it's best that actions speak louder than words at the moment. He needs to learn a fundamental lesson)

going doing*

He needs to learn a fundamental lesson

that you are not his property

(sorry for quadruple posting - it's MN's fault )

Feck ...... I don't necessarily think its a hijack to join this thread if you are in the same situation.
I am sure someone will say if they disagree, but personally I am just as happy to waffle on with two people, as one

MrsM - your Council sound like a pile of shit. All I had to do was ring and say that H had left on certain date and that was it.....

I had a lovely doctor too and she put me straight on anti D's after I sat in her office crying, shaking, rocking, begging her to help me stop feeling like I was :( I have been going to her for nearly 20 years and she knows me well enough to know that I was there because I needed help seriously. If you have a good doctor then stick with them.

I dumped all my XH's stuff on the driveway because he made it plain it was over and I didn't want to look at it any longer. He had nowhere to put it, but that wasn't my problem. That was the anger coming out in me. Fuck you, take your shit anyway.

Then I cried because of the gaps left on the book shelf and the dvd shelf.

It is all cliches, but they are all true. It's a rollercoaster of emotion, its one step at a time, time is a healer. they are all true.

One wise poster, and I can never remember who, said to me, It's like Going on A Bear Hunt - you can't go under it, you can't go round it, you have to go through it.

Feck, join in if you want to! The more experiences shared the better.
Have tried to keep busy today, have such terrible knots in my stomach, I ache so much, the terror for the future is awful, very very scared.
My lovely GP said today to me that what he did to us after all those years of marriage was very bad and I most certainly did not want a man back like that! The thing is I do know everyone is right. He will not be back anyway so it doesn't make a difference. He prefers the back room at his mothers' house than here! But he is planning a new life, eventually.
I feel like my purpose has gone, feel lost, don't know where to put myself. Have to make a new life, but I don't know how, where do I start?
The loneliness is overwhelming me.
What do I do now? Part of me hates him so much for what he has done, at times I think if I see him I would scratch his eyes out, selfish pig that he is.

Skye, yes have done that too! taken all his trophies away and have cried at that, no photos of him anywhere either. I have gaps all over the house, empty drawers that I can't bear to use now, I have voids everywhere. Just like my life. We had a good life, just will never understand how he could give that up. Will need to sell this house, it's killing me, can't stand being here. I couldn't afford to buy new stuff for it, but maybe a different environment would help? Too many memories here.

Mrs M - my friend moved furniture around, went to second hand store and bought a new 3 piece suite for £50, hung up new pictures, photos etc. I bought myself new bedding, and rearranged the bedroom a bit.

Just think, you will need space for baby photos soon! you will have room now!

I did enjoy having the whole wardrobe to myself again and I soon filled his drawers with other things, handbags, nail varnish, stuff like that .

It is easy for me to be flippant now, but I do remember the pain well, as I described above, but I also know now, that it will not last forever. I still cry, but not as much, not as often, and sometimes I dont even know why really.

SELFISH - remember that word every time that you think of your H. Selfish for leaving his wife, selfish for leaving at an important time in both his daughter's lives. Selfish for blaming it on you. Selfish for not taking responsibility for anything he has done.

My XH is living the single life, while I am here with sick DD, work being rearranged all over the place. He has the freedom. But I have the love of DD and as she grows older, I will have the respect too.

I too am afraid of the future, I am 41 and this is not how I imagined it to be. My XH walked out 3 weeks before my 40th birthday, party arranged, family holiday arranged, DD's birthday party arranged.... How selfish was that? he came back for 6 weeks, and while he was here he was sending motivational emails to OW, telling her that everything will be OK and suggesting songs for her to listen to like Sunscreen by Baz Lurhman. That fucking song has a line in it about being divorced at 40.........

sorry, went off on one there, but what I am trying to say is.... this is not the path that I have chosen, but it is the path that I have to follow. I can make it an easy path or I can make it a difficult path. The same applies to you, but this is very early days for you yet.

If you feel really brave, you can do what I did.
My ex was a complete miser (part of the whole control thing) but I always had a card on his account because that is where all the money was held, and he travelled away too often to leave me with no access..

So I used it.
I actually did a day trip to Switzerland, spent a lot of money, had a very nice lunch and early supper, spent lots more money stocking up on perfume and expensive creams in duty free on the way back ....and said not one word about my little "day out".

As it was my first ever act of total rebellion .... I thought I would do it in style!! First thing he knew about it was when the bill came in, and the reaction was .... impressive!
On the day itself I don't think I smiled once, and moved a little like an automaton but since then, I have laughed whenever I think of it.
And he never again took me anything less than seriously!!

You do have to know that you have backup money, because he stopped my access to money like lightning .....but oh god it was worth it.

I had a friend whose X ran off with a work colleague. She went to the staff car park and covered both their cars in red paint. I definitely don't recommend that one, as he had her arrested ...... but she always said it was worth it. And, again, he took her seriously ever after!

Anyone else with stories to tell about how to make them see you in a different (stronger!) light? I am offering to loosen the tongues
This thread is in definite need of some cheering up, today.

I don't know if I'm ashamed to say it - perhaps I should be, but I can't conjure it - but I had a major spending spree too. I bought sofas. I remember a particular pair of golden shoes I bought. All access to money was stopped forthwith - but, I agree, it was worth it.

I wonder if there is such a thing as bereavement counselling for this kind of situation? It's as though someone has died for you. In many way its worse as there is betrayal and conflict but the grieving part of the process you are going through is the same as when someone has died. I do feel for you but have nothing to add that others haven't. If you reread your thread it may help you see how much you have gone through and how strong you are.

good post wondering.

Hi Mrs M
Not had chance to read the posts for a day or so, was my youngest son's birthday, he 'only' got a card from his Dad, so really glad i bought lots of cheap presents for him to unwrap yesterday. Couldn't afford to spend much, but my pile of pressies looked good, made him smile. Most of them were sweets from £1land, and footie socks but i managed to make his birthday as special as i could unlike his dad.
Been reading the latest advice above, and its good, but its so hard to remember the good advice when you're struggling.......
Wonderingagain is right, it is like bereavement, you do go a similar grieving post, repeating the same bits over and over in your head. And i can say that as a mother of child who died nearly 5 years ago, and as the divorced wife of a man who thought the grass was greener, and ever since has set out to destroy me both mentally and financially. But its not a path i would have chosen, but its the one i've been given and i'm going to make the most of it, my eldest son would have given anything to be still alive, all i can do is make the most of my life, so i'm off out tonight with a friend i've not seen for a while. Don't really like night outs, but i know i've got to be more sociable now, horrible feeling as well to lose your home, still don't know when i'll have to, fed up of the financial things taking so long to sort, and constant threats of court action against me, but hey ho :) xx

I also wonder why philandering spouses can't be sued for breach of contract. With attendant financial compensation. They'd probably think twice if they had to pay out 10s+ of K in compensation.

the counselling that I have had has included bereavement counselling in a way as she has had to help me come to terms with the loss, deal with the grief and accept that he is not coming back

I couldnt go on a spending spree as we had no money and any savings we did have where in my name anyway to protect them....

I agree with springy - if they were to be sued for breach of contract and child abandonment, maybe they wouldnt be in such a hurry to clear off.

My Xh could have easily talked to me to sort out his alleged unhappiness, instead of turning to OW to give her emotional support because her H couldnt....... he got emotional support in return.... once the head is turned, they see everything that is wrong in their marriage and walk away.

Joy5 so sorry for your loss, you really have had a horrific time. Glad you are surviving, perhaps the nights out are a kind of bridge that you have to cross to get your life feeling like your own again.

Springymater ABOLUTELY sue the bastards. The pain they cause, the fallout, the damage is surely worthy of a little more than maintenance payments?

I know that in Scotland you can sue for compensation if someone breaks off an engagement. Marriage 'law' if that's what you call it is quite odd when you think about it in a legal sense.

Just back from counselling! Who knew I was married to a narcisist for all those years? Yep, me apparently! A man who puts himself before all others including his children, what a selfish, horrible man. A man who controlled and intimidated me. Oh dear god, can't believe it, did not know any different. I have to find "me" now, and what "I" need.
Counselling also includes the bereavement side of it, but tonight was a shock, the realisation of what my marriage actually was. Think my face drained sitting in that chair.
I would love revenge, how do I go about it? bitter be damned! (by the way, counsellor does not advocate revenge, that's just me!).
Can't spend any money doing it though, would need to be cash free revenge!
He is away next weekend, possibly on a shagfest with ow.

Joy5. Have a smashing night out, you deserve it!