Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

MrsM

I don't post that often nowadays but I wanted to post as I can feel your palpable pain.

I wasn't married for very long - together for about 6 years before we split. But I'd moved to the other side of the world, left career, family and friends, invested every single penny I had in the family home had a then 2 year old and after some fairly traumatic pregnancy losses was in the middle of IVF when my ex-H left with - to me - no warning. Of course there was OW who he is still with but it took a while for this to be confirmed.

He changed overnight from a loving husband to a cold, cruel and vindictive person I did not recognise. I was left with 2 year old, collapsed finances, no career history or friends family and legally prevented from returning to UK when I had only been in this country for 2 years.

This was 2.5 years ago. I remember very keenly feeling like I may die. I didn't want to for my son's sake but I would have been perfectly happy to have gone to sleep and never woken up. I was not sleeping, eating, ending up drinking too much, smoking, staring into space. I could not imagine finding the front door let alone creating a life for myself. The first time my son left for an overnight stay I remember hearing a wailing animal sound and it was me. I was broken and felt for sure my life was over. I was 40 (now nearly 43) and had nothing. I had bet my life on a man, entrusted my financial security (which was reasonable if not considerable) and suddenly BOOM. I felt like I had been in a terrorist attack on my life and however many people told me that I would get through it I could not believe it, imagine it. That was it. My chance at life and happiness was done.

2.5 years later I will be honest. It is still a work in progress. I have my good days and bad days in part due to ex and ongoing legals and rumbling additional custody issues. Financially I'm shaky and just about managing BUT. And here is the BUT. I am slowly carving out a life for myself in a new country, making new friends, developing a renewed career. And for all the dark moments, there are moments of joy. I hope to meet someone (and have briefly dated a few people and had adventures I never imagined I would again) but irrespective there is now some empowerment in knowing I can manage on my own again. There is freedom in being control of my (if not much) finances and to be in charge of my emotional life again. I'm trade the life lessons I have learnt for a happy family but the reality is that whilst I was happy he was not. I was not what he wanted so that family has gone. And much better it happened in my (our) 40s so we have time to rebuild.

It has been a bit like snakes and ladders some up and up days some days when it comes crashing down. But you learn to feel what you feel and then pick yourself up. You will eventually WANT to pick yourself up.

But you are at the beginning where you can't possibly imagine you will begin to navigate your way out of the mire. SO. Echoing some other very very wise and lovely posters, try not to think about what you can't do and think about what you can. Right now, this will probably be limited but they might include:

you CAN see a GP and get some advice
you CAN listen to your solicitor and act on their advice
you CAN stop communicating with AH for a while to clear your head
you ARE leaning on friends which is good, they will help you
you CAN shower and try and look nice for YOURSELF (if this is important to you - for me, having been in baby years, I suddenly began to use my hours of sleepless nights to work out what I was wearing, do beauty type things and this changed the way others saw me, and myself....not a diet I would recommend but I lost about a stone (2 stone at one point but horrible) - again, this helped ME feel better about things, you may have other things that make you feel better, like buying flowers, or cooking your favourite meal etc
you CAN take the front foot, with your solicitor in working out what YOU believe is an equitable split of things
you CAN decide if your AH is going to take your future away from you or if you are going to dig deep and gradually gradually find your way out and onto the next phase of your life

I still miss the life I thought I was going to have, the children I wanted, the husband I wanted. But I've already seen and been and met people I would not have otherwise done. Its not a journey I wanted but there are advantages MrsM even though I know its nigh on impossible to imagine it now.

Huge love and good luck. Do not let this fucker hit the pause button on your life. Finally two quote that helped me though:

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." - Maya Angelou

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway.

I think I've used my anger well and although my heart was broken in some ways it has made me a more empathetic person and I hope I'm stronger.

Gosh this is a bit of an essay. I hope it doesn't sound too lofty. I just feel for you and want to let you know that you will be OK. Not today, not tomorrow but you will my love. Dig deep. You can do this.

x

absolutely brilliant post downunderdolly
Says it all

....and having been moved around the globe with XH's career, I am awed by your courage in making your own new life with your child, so very far from all support. It was tough enough just making a new life that far away, with a partner...I cannot imagine how hard your last few years have been.

[flowers} and more ...one for your post, and the second for your courage.

Downunderdolly, what an incredible post. What incredible courage you have.

mumngran - sorry, that wasn't aimed at you or anyone else on this thread, it was my personal experience on my own thread in the end, because I didnt confirm to what others thought I should be thinking or feeling, they didn't like it.

i just wanted to try and make the point that MrsM will be fine in the end, but it takes as long as it takes for her.

yes, you are only hurting yourself by not moving forward and that is what makes a person bitter in the end.

dolly excellent post

I'd like to echo other posters in terms of everyone has different timeline to recovery. About 3-4 months later I saw a counseller and I was angry with myself that I wasn't able to move myself along, I felt pressure from friends and family who with the best intentions just wanted me to feel better and were uncomfortable wtih my distress.

My counseller said that from what she knew about my circumstances, I might not get through it for 2 years, and it would be about a year until I saw daylight. I'm not saying this to scare you. I'm saying it because for me it was a relief. It didn't mean that I was rubbish at being resillient, it didnt' mean that because I hadn't got through it as I might have expected (having previouly been uber capable person who had been a can do person and not suffered fools gladly) that I was going to be like this forever. It gave me reassurance that I had to plod on with my journey and just because things weren't getting better at the pace I might have liked or dictated it didn't mean I wouldn't get better. For me - and everyone is different and I hope you might have a faster journey as some friends I know have - it was about bang on the money. And shit as it might be, you are only 46. Hopefully you will have another 46 years. So a dreadful year or so when you are making baby steps and then hopefully giant steps towards a different but equally fabulous future is nothing.

MrsM. You are stronger than you know. For a start you found Mumsnet and are posting to get stregnth. To me that is the action of someone that wants to find their way. Keep posting and you will. I was posting regularly a few years ago and the women who were where you are now are, by and large, all in hugely better places.

Dolly
PS thanks to everyone for their kind words xxx

Downunderdolly
Thanks so much for your post, you could have sbeen peaking about my life of the past 18 months, but in such a better way.
MrsM is at the strart of an hard journey but shes doing all the right things to stay on the right path and come out at the end a much better person rather then bitter about what has happened.

You're right too about what bitter does, and what anger does. I always feel wrong for being angry, but the way you've explained it, theres a positive to it, more anger i say, as long as its controlled.

flowers xxx

phooey to that psychic bullshit - who isn't bitter at some stage in their lives? and? It's healthy, and appropriate, to be bitter sometimes.

You will live through this - and you will build a better life. If your vile ex is sending you prescriptive emails about what you should and shouldn't do, I wonder how much he was doing that when you were together. it's entirely possible he created a helpless you, one who couldn't function without his micro-management.

he can fuck off about where you live and what happens to your garage. he has abandoned the family home at a crucial time for two of your daughters, but instructed you to minimise your response to cushion his vile deed from them. WHAT A COCK. he can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more (to use a well-known MN phrase). He's made his choice, he's no longer in the picture.

Getting all the moneys sorted so he doesn't have to pay legal fees indeed! fuck off, matey! he's not your friend honey. Keep him right out of your line of vision, right out of your life. Can you block his emails? You don't need to hear from him; your lawyer is right that it should all be done through them because he is only trying to manipulate and control you.

Keep going darling. Day/minute at a time. Keep an eye on your breathing, try to keep it deep as often as you can - if you feel it getting shallow then stop and take some deep breaths.

You can do this honey xxxxx

ps hello gorgeous fabulous Dolly

MrsM. Don't mean to hijack but Springy here is one of the lovely woman who helped me though my tough times. She could (and I'm not suggesting she does as its your thread ) tell you that I was insane with grief and bewilderment and fatigue and paralysis at times. And she, along with others, helped carry me through till I found my way. And so will you my lovely. Hang onto that. You can do this.

springymater - I usually hate bad language, but fell about laughing when I read your post.

How I wish you had been around when I was going through it all! I so needed someone to phrase it that way for me.

Absolutely love it

Read this Mrs M ... and maybe even copy and paste into an email
(no not really ..... but, it would almost be worth it to see the shock on his face!)

Serious points here though. Really, how dare he say that you should minimise your response to his actions. HIs actions are responsible for this entire upset. NOT YOURS!!

Springymater ... you rock.

Oh my god, Just came online and noticed all these brilliant posts! You have all given me such a boost! What would I do without you all now? Your support has been wonderful and awe inspiring, your experiences, how you came through it, and are able to enjoy life again!
You are all so right, that pig of a man has sacrificed his children for himself, ow, and her children! What decent man does that?
He really has shown his true selfish colours. He is vile! I do have anger in me, am trying to channel it in the right direction, and maybe one day walk through that fire cleansed and whole again.
Ladies you really are the best, you all keep me going in my darkest hours.

Good to hear you sounding a bit bouncier MrsM x

Hello MrsMcIver!

First of all, can I say you have my utmost sympathy for this terrible time you've been going through

I had my heart broken into 10,000 pieces last year by a man I loved, trusted and adored. He did it in the most callous, calculating way you could imagine. I honestly thought I might die. The pain was so acute. I had to be talked into breathing by my sister down the phone. It was the worst time of my life and I honestly, 100% absolutley thought I would never get over it. It consumed my every hour and minute.

That was last year. Today I went out for lunch with a lovely friend and she asked my if I'd hear from him. My answer? "No! And I haven't even thought about him once today!"

I feel stronger and stronger every day. I'd be lying if I said there weren't wobbles. There are. But they are getting fewer and less severe.

And don't feelafool. Or stupid. Feel proud that you are the kind of person who has a heart that's big enough and true enough to truly love someone. He does not.

So glad you're sounding more upbeat. You are awesome and I hope you will soon believe that 100% xx

Had a bit of a wobble tonight. He texted wanting to collect some books that he needed for his work, but I couldn't be bothered looking them out as I had cleared such a lot away and weren't sure where they were now(out in garage!) so I said no it didn't suit. But he kept texting and phoning saying he was coming up to get them and wouldn't take no for an answer. So instead of him turning up at the door, I thought I had better get them, and just as I was getting them out of the garage he arrived. So I gave them to him and walked into the house, but not all of his stuff was there and he kept banging on the window saying he needed another book too. I looked it out and texted him saying I had put it through the letterbox for him. He was in such a rage, and just grabbed his book, making a lot of noise at the letterbox, and left.
Wish I had just done it without making a fuss, then I wouldn't have had to see him, I was just being daft and not wanting to jump to his commands anymore. He also said to me before I put the phone down that "it's my house too".
He looked really handsome and my heart has broken all over again. I should have just looked out those bloody books in the first place!

Actually, Mrs M ... I don't think so....but I think he has made you think that you should have done what he told you.

HIS behaviour tonight has been appalling. Are you able to stand back a little and see the actions as they played out

1. He says he is coming to get things
2. You say no, it is not convenient
3. He pesters you incessantly with texts - comes anyway - creates a scene - bangs on windows and exhibits "rage" - all to get what he wants
4. You believe that you should have done as he told you in this first place

Can you see how wrong number 4 sounds.

In the opinion of an outsider, this amounts to harrassment - in your own home! it doesn't matter if he lived there until very recently, he left of his own accord and you have on record that he wants a divorce.
In your position I would be talking to my solicitor at 9am tomorrow morning and asking for a restraining order so he cannot behave in this way again. Will be interesting to see what the rest of the ladies, here, think?

Do not let him break you down in this way. He is throwing his toys out of the pram like a small child whenever you don't do as he wants. Well, he needs to wake up to the fact that he has changed everything ..... and he isn't dealing with a doormat any-more!!!!!

Hang in there Mrs M.

Wiser heads who haven't had a glass of wine will come on here, but gosh I am cross on your behalf. No one needs a set of books that urgently, he was just being a controlling arse. How dare he badger you like that.

Good for you for walking away and good for you not jumping to his commands. You were quite right It sounds like it was him making a scene not you, it sounds as if you were dignified and him that was raging from your description.

I think you should find a way to make sure any requests like that are through a third party. He should not be harassing you like this. Perhaps discuss with your solicitor.

First the garage, then telling you that your reaction is upsetting for your daughters, now the 'urgent' books and turning up, he really thinks he can call the shots. I don't like to swear, but really want to, totally unacceptable.

Please find a way to stop him doing this, can you block his number?

In case I wasn't clear NO you should not have jumped when he said so and sorted the books out. He is utterly, utterly in the wrong.

He should have thought of the books when he dipped his dick in his floozy, stamped on your heart and your childrens' hearts, and swanned off.

You are SO RIGHT MumnGran about flagging up the flawed logic of no.4

this pile of sh*t can no longer call the shots mrs - he threw away every 'right' when he walked out the door. What he did tonight was outrageous harassment - call the police next time he pulls a stunt like that.

Can you block his texts? Get a new number. The most important things to you are with you - your kids - so he has nothing of importance to say to you.

He may have looked handsome on the outside - but inside, he isn't handsome AT ALL.

Agree with above. He can't just turn up, he needs to give you notice.

However, if the house is in joint names joint mortgage, then you can't change locks or anything to stop him coming in.

What you CAN do tomorrow, is pack up every single thing that belongs to him, dump it on the drive and text him to tell him it is there. He won't have any need to come round again then will he.

I asked my XH for the key back when I filed for divorce. He got arsy about it and said he would stop the maintenance. I asked him why he needed a key when he had made it clear that he wouldn't come back ever , then asked him for a key to his mates house where he was lodging and said fairs fair! He then gave me my key back.,.,,

You do need legal advice ASAP to protect yourself

Skye is right: " if the house is in joint names joint mortgage, then you can't change locks or anything to stop him coming in " but I still think his behaviour tonight gives you fairly solid ground for obtaining a restraining order which certainly will stop it.

Seriously ... call your solicitor in the morning, and tell him what happened exactly as you have typed it out to us. He will advise you from there, but you really don't have to tolerate this in your life!

If I thought he probably would not take anything of mine, I'd probably just let him come to take what he wanted and arrange to be out of the house at that time if I were you. From all I've read on here they tend to feed off drama, to justify to their OW what a crazy and petty ex they have, so would not want to give him that satisfaction. Whatever you do, definitely don't agree to sort your finances without legal representation.

If I thought he probably would not take anything of mine, I'd probably just let him come to take what he wanted and arrange to be out of the house at that time if I were you. From all I've read on here they tend to feed off drama, to justify to their OW what a crazy and petty ex they have, so would not want to give him that satisfaction. Whatever you do, definitely don't agree to sort your finances without legal representation.

Sorry, site went offline and I clicked refresh.

I felt I was being petty by not letting him have the books. Just was fed up of always jumping when he said. I had said not tonight but next night as all that stuff was being cleared out and it wasn't in the usual place. I didn't have time to get out of the house as I had people in but he said to leave them on the bin outside and he would collect them from there and wouldn't come in. I was being awkward, but could not help myself. I was stupid and silly wasn't I?

Have you not read any of the posts above! Honestly, I could shake you. please stop it. You were not being stupid or silly at all, you have the right not to be harassed, and to be left in peace and not to jump when he says so. Your request to leave it to the following night

Your AH was being a complete and utter unreasonable bastard about the whole thing. I would agree he was deliberately trying to goad you, to make you look bad, mess with your head and set you up so he can have a poor me little story to tell OW and friends about how "she wouldn't even let me have my books". It seems to me he is feeding off the drama. What an absolute fucker (goaded into joining springymater in swearing by this awful man).

You must stop buying into his version of events (did he perhaps tell you you were being stupid or silly?)and listen to your friends and family if you won't listen to us on Mumsnet. Get on to your solicitor this morning, I know you probably won't take out an injunction (although I would), but your solicitor may suggest other measures to protect you from this nonsense.

In the meantime, don't respond to any texts or messages. If you are tempted then try to remember that they will all be shown to OW and anyone he can get to listen as evidence of how hysterical and crazy you are. Do not engage.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I really want you to protect yourself and see that it's his fault not yours.

Sorry, should read, "your request to leave it to the following night was more than generous. "