Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Totally agree, mummgran is very good:)

Well thank you ladies .... but come on, be fair .....I can't be the only one sharing TMI to cheer Mrs M up !

Mumngran, that is hilarious. The poor man, what with you gritting your teeth to get through it.

I'll tell you what MnG - it's making me rethink my drink and meal with an old friend next weekend . Poor bloke would probably die of embarrassment if I jumped him though

Lambzig, I think my tooth grinding was of less worry to him than his dentures being wobbly

....... now in fits of giggles, because in hindsight it really was very funny, and I really haven't talked about it before. Well, not a public sort of conversation really

Catsrus ... go for it.
And if you get wobbly, your nerve can probably be found in the bathroom (trust me on this!) .....hiding on the toiletries tray (mine was in the mouthwash)

What is it with me and teeth, tonight !!

HUGE apology Mrs M .... will stop hijacking your thread with all this unseemly levity, and oral stuff.

Mumn Stuff finding a man! Can I marry you instead? I just luffs you I do!

I was thinking about things like 'doing the dirty deed' with someone else! I wouldn't know where to start. And how do you show another man your stretch marks and 'stuff' that you were so used to your exh seeing? I can't imagine another man seeing me naked never mind doing the dirty with him!!
Oh my god I am going to be a Born Again Virgin aren't I? I am never going to have nookie again!

Mind you, that pales into comparison with the thought of not having any DIY done.

And by the way, what do I do with dentures? I don't have any, and is it de rigeur to keep them in for a first time bonk? (just for future reference in case I get lucky).

Bloody hell am now thinking I am going to have nookie with an oap!

Well, as long as he is handy with his screwdriver I may consider it.

More questions Mrs M. Haven't you had enough of me tonight!! . OK .....
Can I marry you instead? of course darleeeng, As long as total control of TV remote is in my half of the contract, and you are good at cleaning bathrooms

I wouldn't know where to start my limited adventures indicate that they do all have the same anatomy. Although oddly, one had some straaange colours!

And how do you show another man your stretch marks and 'stuff' that you were so used to your exh seeing? PM me and I will give you detailed instructions on locating nearest bathroom

I can't imagine another man seeing me naked never mind doing the dirty with him!! me either! thank God lights have off switches, is all I can say

Oh my god I am going to be a Born Again Virgin there's a song in there sonewhere

I am never going to have nookie again! if you get really stuck, just go on a singles holiday to Italy, and I will give you the number of a little guy, with dentures, called .......! if he would sleep with a nail bitten tooth gritter, then I am certain you would be on to a dead cert

Mind you, that pales into comparison with the thought of not having any DIY done nothing gets done in my house

And by the way, what do I do with dentures? think you should ask someone else, as saying "eeeuk" definitely wasn't the best way to go

is it de rigeur to keep them in for a first time bonk? depends on whether or not you mind a funny whistling noise, through the gaps

Bloody hell am now thinking I am going to have nookie with an oap oh good! someone in the line-up already then!! you get an extra ten points if he has a zimmer frame as well as dentures!

Well, as long as he is handy with his screwdriver I may consider it handy with Polygrip would do for me! ( whoops, Freudian slip ....obviously I meant Polyfilla )

Have another or

..........and just posting early to prove I wasn't drinking last night, and be here for the wobbly morning start
Though do have to go out at 8.30.

Yep wobbly morning start, am hyperventilating and my hands shook that much holding my tea I have burnt my hand now.

Am very scared, terrified, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? Everything revolved around him and I have loved him so so much that it gets too unbearable for me to contemplate. I just cannot bare seeing him with someone else. The end of my marriage was so quick I barely had time to take breath.

At times I cannot believe he has done this to us. I never thought that of him.

I do not know what to do with myself. I really don't.

Well, more caffeine is the starting point?
Its all about the future, for you, in the mornings isn't it, and I think one would have to be utterly emotionless if those thoughts weren't very scary.
If I could stand in my kitchen seven years ago and see myself now .... I would be shocked at who I have become.
The same distance view will shock you too Mrs M. You just have to get your head around the fact that you can't see that view until you get that distance!!
I wonder if you are ready to scream at the next person who says "it will take time".

Can you find one mega thought about something good? your grand-daughter? moving?
And can you try to focus on it, when all the negative thoughts come crowding in? Literally push the scary away with "blue sky thinking"?

For what its worth ...you are sounding massively better than at this time last week. Really.

My goodness, this ex of yours has really done a job on you. I have been with my DH for a similar amount of time to you and I cannot imagine suddenly losing all those years of family memories, personal memories or the comfort from being around someone who knows you so well.

You are recognising that the mornings are the absolute worst for you and your despair rears up and grabs you by the throat. There will not be a quick fix, but you will start to come through this, gradually and with dignity. Don't beat yourself up about feeling so distraught about it. You could have done the whole 'brave' thing and carried on as though nothing had happened. That might have been OK for a while, but you would still have to go through this grief.

Its better dealt with now so that you can start to find new ways of building your confidence again. Your ex was deceitful and has been an utter coward. The shock you are feeling is part of you coming to terms with his betrayal. Don't feel as though you should be doing anything with yourself at the moment. Its enough to just get through the day, be kind to your self and let your mind and soul start to heal.

Your daughters are always there for your but they just want their Mum back. That Mum is still in there and your love for them and their future will be what pulls you through these mornings. Take all the support you can and just focus on today.

Yes I will focus on today, focusing on the future is too terrifying. I have a few plans to make. Just little things but when I feel so bad even doing little things seems huge.

I am rattling about this house and it is only a little house. I am lost and so lonely. I have not speken to him for about 4 - 5 weeks now and I am grief stricken with it, but I have to do it that way. It cannot be any other way.

Please God help me through this, I am not strong and I need help.

He has been a coward hasn't he? Please Ladies confirm this to me by saying what he has done. I sometimes need more clarity in my mind and if you could do that? It sometimes gets all muddled up and confused. Yep, pathetic I know but if you could do that it does help me to focus.

Thank you xxx

Mrsm, yes he has treated you badly. One of the reasons is because he had already decided to go, and so is further down the road of disengaging than you when he left. Emotionally he has had more time to process his thoughts. There is nothing you could have done as he didn't share with you how he was feeling.

Well done for making plans and getting through the day.

A coward!! he is not only a coward MrsM but an emotional bully, and a controlling SOB.
He throws a tantrum because you discovered he was being unfaithful. Blames you for having the temerity to find the evidence. Conned you for god knows how long that your life together was jgood, while he was off playing sex games with someone else. And then runs away to his mummy when he can't handle the fall out and utter shambles he has created. Leaving you not knowing what to fight ....even if you had been in any state to think coherently, let alone argue.

The b does this when he knows your DD is in the middle of crucial exams!
He does this when his first grandchild is imminently due, knowing the emotional impact it would have on an expectant mum!!

And then...THEN ... he decides he can wander back when it suits him, to collect stuff he didn't think was important enough to take in the first place but is now so urgent he shouts and raves at you, and bangs on windows, because you have the nerve to say that you are busy!!

Does it look a bit more obvious in black and white Mrs M.

As someone said (maybe on another thread ) the man you once married is long dead. Has been for a while. You can grieve for him, but don't spare one single tear for the bastard who could do this. the bully who (as your sister said) controlled and manipulated you until you don't know which way is up!!
Not one tear for him Mrs M.
In fact the only thing I would give him is a restraining order and a massive settlement claim!! I am not someone who likes or much uses bad language, but honestly ... I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
He needs to pay.

The following outline is adapted from Robert Emery?s book.

A. The Grief Cycle of Divorce

Divorce-related grief does not move in a straight line in one direction.
People tend to cycle repeatedly through a three-part phase consisting of love, anger, and sadness.
Typically, love, anger, and sadness are experienced intensely and only one emotion at a time though in sequence.
Over time, the intensity of the feelings begin to lessen and the cycles of each emotion begin to blend.

The overlapping of emotions results in a more realistic, less emotionally painful view of the divorce.
When the blending of emotions does not occur, people get stuck in one emotional cycle or another.
Someone who gets stuck on love may deny the reality of the breakup and pine for reconciliation.
Someone caught up in anger will act out of vindictiveness and a need for revenge.
Those who are mired in sadness will assume an exaggerated and unrealistic sense of responsibility for what has occurred.
B. The Many Functions of Anger

Anger as an emotional cover-up.
Anger helps us deal with pain.
Anger can cover up fear.
Anger can be a way of keeping people in contact, of trying to bring them back together.
C. The ?Leaver? and the ?Left?

From a time standpoint, the leaver is often significantly ahead of the one left.
The leaver usually has a vision of the future, a future outside the marriage.
At a more comfortable pace, the lever has already begun cycling through the love-anger-sadness of divorce grief and may be beyond the most dramatic ups and downs of individual emotions.
The partner being left has not emotionally begun to take the first step on the divorce cycle of grieving.
The leaver and the left are literally in different places of their grief.
D. The Crucial Work of Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are the rules of relationships and managing the relationship with a partner with whom you are separating from necessitates setting new boundaries.
Boundaries prevent confusion by letting people know where they stand in a relationship- where in your life they may enter and where they may not.
Frequently, starting with a more ?businesslike relationship? can be a way to start new and safe boundaries.
The most cooperative coparenting relationships have very clear rules.
They remain cooperative relationships because the parenting partners respect those rules and each other?s boundaries.

When the decision is finally reached that you are to separate, it is not unusual for couples to be in very different places emotionally and psychologically. Although people go through similar stages of adjustment, couples often go through them at different times and with different degrees of intensity.

Understanding how this affects you will help you to avoid some of the common misunderstandings that arise during this difficult stage.

The ?Leaver?

The person initiating the split is likely to have been unhappy in the relationship for a long time before the actual date of separation. During this time they will typically have gone through stages of dissatisfaction, sadness and worry. Increasingly they will detach themselves emotionally from the relationship. By the time the split happens they will have worked through much of the emotional loss of the relationship. They will be moving on after separation much quicker than their partner. They may experience great guilt and sadness but also relief. Significantly, they are several miles down the road of adjusting to this major change in their life.

The ?Left?

The person who has not initiated the separation, the ?left?, may have had no idea that the relationship was in such difficulty. They might accept that the relationship was not great but perhaps thought it was a just a stage that most couples experience from time to time. Their reaction is shock, disbelief, hope for reconciliation and anger. Their life has been turned upside down and the process of adjusting psychologically and emotionally to the separation is only just beginning. Significantly, they are at the start of the road that they may not even want to walk down.

What this all means

The leaver, who is psychologically prepared to move on, may not understand why the other is so emotional. He or she may be disappointed that their offer of friendship is being rejected. They may complain that their ex is not accepting the reality and getting on with things. He or she will become frustrated and impatient for decisions to start being made about the future.

For the left however, this emotional stage is more intense and lasts longer. The left may feel that their ex is cold and unfeeling and that their distress is not being understood. They may have lots of questions to ask about why the relationship has ended which they are not getting answers to. Their feelings of rejection are intensified by their ex seeming to want to move on as quickly as possible. They may feel that they are being forced into thinking about issues that they are not ready to deal with yet. It?s too painful for them to be friends, what they need right now is to be left alone.

Not understanding your different emotional states can create problems in communicating which adds further complications to an already difficult and stressful situation.

MrsM - a couple of things above, that my counsellor gave to me. It helps to explain the cycle of grief, and the difference in feelings between you and your X.

Truly exceptional content to post Skye.
And far more useful to mull over than my one-woman tirade

I would only say that if one is pre-disposed to feel guilty and responsible, which can be an ongoing legacy of very controlling marriages, then even these words can contribute to feeling guilt. I am seven years on, and felt guilt on reading through....because I 'should have known he was unhappy' and 'shouldn't have let myself be so slow at cycling through'
I actually hear those thoughts, in my head, in my x's voice!!
obviously not as healed as I like to think I am

The only reason for saying this is that if you do have any such feelings when readingMrs M then try to analyse them for what they are .....not feelings which you should genuinely 'own' as yours, but a reaction trained into you over decades of control
A bit like Pavlov's dogs, now I stop to think about it.

I repeat though Skye ...content is excellent, and not to be judged by my angst!!

Sorry, this is probably been too late, but I just saw your message.

Ok, what he has done. Based on the facts you have told us, not what we might speculate re OW, so this is the minimum he has done:

He has been deceitful while living with you, avoided being honest with you and not given your marriage a chance by being emotionally unavailable and unkind to you. Cowardly and unpleasant.

He has walked out, not even bothering to explain, at a time when your DD are most vulnerable. Very very selfish and disrespectful.

He has left it to you to talk to your daughters and expects you to fix things with them for him. Cowardly.

He has tried to interfere with your right to privacy and not given you space, texting, the books, the sodding guinea pig and the bloody garage. Controlling and selfish and very disrespectful.

He has stolen your holiday (IMO the very least he could have done is let you go on it with a friend). Selfish

He is keeping you short of money, making life very difficult for you, then trying to buy your daughters affection. Controlling, mean and selfish.

So from those brief examples, deceitful, selfish, controlling and cowardly, with a dose of meanness and poverty of spirit on the side. No wonder your sister thinks you are better off without him.

That's just what I can think of off the top of my head, I am sure if I reread your posts, I could think of more - will that do for a start?

I know it's hard, but its best you don't speak to him as I don't think anything he said would make you feel better and most probably worse.

MumnGran - your postings have been very helpful to both MrsM and myself and amusing more lately too

I blamed myself terribly because of the nasty letter he wrote blaming me for everything! but the letter was mostly misunderstandings that we had already talked about after he walked out the first time... but because of the letter - you have done this, you made me feel like this, you treated me like this, you have always, i have never, blah blah blah.......

after ten years together the only decent thing he could say was "we have shared some good times and you are a good mother". After that it was full of hatred and bile about what a bad person I was and how he could no longer live with me. No apologies for the thousands of texts sent to OW though!

sorry, rambling on, but my point is, my counsellor gave me that stuff to try and make me see the cycle, the pattern, and why he felt differently to how I did, how he could be so cold and not see my hurt.

It did help. I am still stuck in the cycle sometimes, but I am trying so hard.

and I am so much further on than I was this time last year. and MrsM - you will get there too.

Skye, I posted before I saw yours as drafting took me a while, great posts, it seems so obvious written down like that.

As Mumngran said, a lot more helpful than my rant. Hope you are ok Mrs M.

think I just got into silly mode last night, Skye, in a attempt to cheer Mrs M up. Then - as ever - sensible self deferred to motormouth.
Somewhat hoping I didn't manage to out myself in the process.

Lambzig your postings are helpful too. I think when you are in this situation, the best thing that you can have is literature that shows you are not going mad BUT also people who have been through it, know exactly where you are coming from.

It is good to hear from people who have been through it and know what they are talking about. When they say, it gets better, you can believe it.

It helped me a lot and I know that it helps MrsM too.

Friends say, ooh I couldnt begin to know what I would do in your situation. Then a few months later, it's all - well pull your socks up, move on, he's not worth it, blah blah blah. But there is no comprehension there of what you are going through both emotionally and physically.

I never thought that I would sit in a chair shaking uncontrollably because my H had walked out on me. I never thought that I would be unable to eat for weeks on end. I never realised that you could actually feel your heart breaking........

Grief is the price you pay for love.....

we will all get there in the end

...and actually Lambzig I would like to hear more from you, because I have literally just realised that my "never again, not me" stance really is just defensive/protection mode and would love to know how you move past that. How you ever trust again ( there are some undisclosed things re my divorce which I am not free to post because of protecting DDs, but which seriously impact on my trust issues )

Skye, I am glad hearing that there is a future helps, but need to add a rider that it seems the path is longer than even I realised.