Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Yes have run it past family and friends. So that is ok. They are all for it.

It is nothing bad, it is something that will bring a lot of enjoyment but exh will be fuming! So that is enough for me.

Do not like mornings now, I hate them, I get very scared. The days loom ahead.

My life looms ahead.

Great minds think alike Kiki I almost posted scarletts a link to this thread this morning .... but then decided it might be a bit cheeky. I am sure she will find us!

Mrs M .... so pleased to hear family are all in favour of the new plan!! I just had a moments panic that you might be contemplating something REALLY off the wall. Should have known better, and do apologise ./..... now just can't wait to hear the results
Its weird how different times of day affect us different;ly, hey. I used to suffer with not being able to sleep and then getting really bad tremors in the early hours .... real fear.
You must be sick of hearing it by now, but ......yes! this too will pass.

In the meantime ......distraction therapy is probably best. Did you ever enquire about maybe fostering a little dog? .... a bouncing, excited, furry article who wants to be your best friend first thing in the morning pretty much puts an end to any deep thought!!

That is a good idea to post scarletts a link to this thread! I don't know how to do it but if anyone else does then yep......
Not quite sure if my panic stricken state half the time will do her any good right enough. But I have had very good advice and support and maybe that could help her?

Really bad tremors in the early hours? Oh yes, have them when I wake up every morning, the shaking and stuttering is awful. The dread of the future.

Have not seen about fostering a wee dog yet as my daughter wants me with her and her partner when she goes into labour, so don't want to do that yet and leave the dog alone for a long time. My youngest daughter should be about but just in case she wants to go over to her Grans at that moment as she will be all excited and not want to be on her own.

Will come back on later, someone at the door!

I have just read that thread and posted a message. Very sad to see yet somebody else going through this. I know that I was only with my XH for ten years, but I understand what she says about the emotional bond. The deeper it is, the more it hurts. I think that people who get over a breakup very quickly, just can't have loved that deeply to start with........ I fell hook line and sinker for XH very early on and am afraid of letting go like that again.

I have been chatting with a man from Plenty of Fish! 46yo, single dad of 2 aged 18 and 13. Seems like a nice bloke, but lives 1.5 hours away. I think far too much..... I think, well what if we hit it off, he won't want to move and neither will I so what's the point! You see what I do there, I put obstacles in the way and we haven't even met yet! . I am so stupid :( I need to go with the flow, lol.

Oh skye why don't you arrange a meeting and see how it goes? I.5 hours is not too bad, and over a weekend is not long at all! Try and look at it that way. And you are so not stupid! You are wary of being hurt and who can blame you for that?

Have not done very much today, just a little bit of shopping with my mum, came home, took one look at all the housework needing done and I could have walked right back out of this house again.

Did any of you Ladies feel like that? The house that you lived in with your husband became intolerable once he left? Did you feel like it dragged you down into despair every time you came back to it? I can't bear it, I really can't. I keep expecting him to walk through the door at dinner time.
When will that feeling ever go?

I am so tired of feeling like this. It is like walking through thick treacle constantly. I do not feel strong, I am all broken up inside. Every memory I have, he is in it.
How does a body get through this grief? How I wish I could get some anger back, but that seems to have passed. I am constantly in despair and pain. My heart has been cracked wide open, it has broken all through me, I can feel the shards of it in my chest and throat. At times I can barely speak with the pain of it.

How do we survive this and move on with our lives? How do we do it?
It is unbearable. I would not have been in so much pain if he had died. I am sure of it. I would have thought he would have died loving me and not wanting to go from our lives. Maybe then the house would have brought comfort and not pain?
I have never imagined such pain. How I miss him, but he does not deserve to be missed, he does not deserve this pain after how he has treated me and his daughters. I am sick with grief.
That is being stupid after how he has treated us. I am one stupid, silly woman for grieving for him.

you are not silly for grieving for him, but you are right in that he does not deserve it.....

but we have all been through it, we know how you are feeling and we have survived it.

I don't want to ever feel like this again which makes it scary to think about getting involved with somebody else at some point.

I often wonder how I would have survived it if it wasnt for the fact that I simply had to for DD's sake.

My house is such a tip it drags me down, but I am gradually decluttering by selling stuff on facebook, ebay and the local paper. I am spurred on by the thought of DD's face on holiday again. I hoovered up tonight because I had a client coming round and I felt much better after picking up a few things and having a clean carpet. One of the many many reasons that my XH left me was because the house was a "disgrace". Instead of helping me take stuff to the charity shop, he just stopped helping full stop.

I waver now between wanting it to be spick and span to show him and feeling like Fuck it, its my house, I can do what I want now.......

Just try and make a few changes, as somebody suggested, can you sell anything, buy a few new things even if its just bedding, curtains, cushions etc, anything to make it look different. Just small things. After having a burgundy bedroom for years, I went out and bought white bedding with big pink roses on. It brightened up my bedroom no end and just made it feel different, like mine, not ours.

So, I think this thread should have a ban on the word "stupid"m lasies. I can't handle two of you at it

Skye ..... it is such a leap of faith to trust to any relationship again. Personally I think 90 minutes distance is a good place to start! Go for it .... for fun, and just see where it leads. My DD and her husband managed their relationship with half a world between them for a long time. If something is really right, then its right. If its a car crash .... well there is the huge benefit of not having to bump into him at the local shop! When the going got tough I used to tell my girls that they could wake up and put courage on in the morning, with their underwear. [Can I reverse that for you and suggest putting on some really nice underwear and seeing if you fell "courageous"

Oooo Mrs M the house is a really hard one, and I totally empathise. I left mine because it was unbearable, but only because I was able to borrow from family to see me through until it could be sold. I never liked the place anyway, and hated every corner at the end. Skye has some really good ideas, but I know it can be hard to find any motivation (or cash) at this point. Do you think you will be able to move. when things are a bit more settled?
On which note ......how are things going with the solicitor? ...wondered if he had been able to help on the interim maintenance issue?

The only thing which sorts memories, is time. I am not being trite - genuinely, you don't get past that feeling of every memory being "his" until you start to build a store of new memories without them. The first of those will be the arrival of your darling new grand-daughter And then Christmas with all your girls together. And then a christening, maybe ...... and so it goes on.
Eventually, the memories which belonged to that old life become very distant .... and a lot less painful to look at. Then you will dwell on the amazing new memories that the new you makes .......
and we are all waiting to hear the first that tale you have to recount, once you feel able to tell us about the success of The Grand Plan !!!!
(hows that going?)

good point about him not being local..... the Plumber I have had my eye on is very much local and that would be a real car crash if we got together and it didnt work out.....

OK, not more use of the word stupid. in relation to ourselves anyway. twunts can still be called it :)

Definitely don't do the plumber! what if you then get a blocked drain

I did know someone who dated a builder - bit by bit he just about renovated her entire house! at which point, she dumped him. Personally I don't think I could do that.......but then I have yet to get an offer from a Lamborghini salesman.
(or an osteopath .... which would be more use right now)

My laptop was playing up last night.
I am here now, another morning. Dear God. The terror is so bad.
Solicitor will have sent him a letter, he will be mulling it over on his hols.
I can't do this, I can't, I am feeling hysterical. I can't bear the thought of my life without him.
I am going to be a grey lonely little old lady living in penury. Oh god, my life is over. Oh my god. I can't do this.

Oh Mrs M, the mornings are so bad for you,market they?

You can do this honestly you can, because you have to, you don't have a choice for your girls sake, so listen to Skye that it does get better.

Please don't think about exH on holiday, you don't know what he is thinking about, or whether he read the letter before he went, so there is no point giving him headspace. Please remember Skye and others advice that you will never understand what is driving him at the moment.

What are you doing today? What plans do you have, if none yet, then you need to plan something and get out of the house. Please remember your positivity of a couple of days ago.

With regard to new relationships, my view is that once you have been hurt really badly, you make different choices about the next relationships. Obviously it is terrifying to risk falling again and getting hurt again, so in my anecdotal experience of friend and myself, you choose relationships that are more equitable, where you maintain some independence. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my DH, but if he left tomorrow, yes it would be dreadful, but I would be ok because I have, always encouraged by DH, my own interests and friends and career. Not everything is invested in that relationship and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. I don't know how else to describe it really.

Hi Mrs M ......so glad the laptop is working again. We would all be worried to bits if you disappeared offline, I think

Morning mudhole again? ...... as in thick, dark, and just plain horrible!
You know how this works for you now .... bit by bit the mornings terrors receed as you move on through the day. Slowly but surely it is going to take less and less of your day.
I do wonder why our terrors seem to have a fixed point in the day? Odd. As though the brain has allocated that time slot for meltdowns! Mine were always very late night/early hours of the morning.....and that is still when I worry about things the most, if their is 'stuff' going on.

Always seem to be echoing Lambzig with all her sense ...... and agree that you need to try and not think about what ex may be thinking about anything !! (unless its the reaction to the Grand Plan, of course). Their actions ceased to be logical when they hit the mid-life crisis, so second guessing them is a hopeless cause.

Am also with L on the new relationship side of things ..... though think I am official "bitter old bag" as I would never in a million years let another man into my life to that extent again. I just now love my freedom of thought and control of my own life, too much. Friends have said that this is because I don't actually know what a truly good marriage is like. They have a point. But once bitten, eternally shy ...in this house!
Have had a series of relationships though, in the last seven years, which I have backed away from when they got too serious, and my term for Lambzigs view is that you forever "hold a bit back". I don't believe that one ever again gives 100% of self, as was possible in the dewey eyed romance of youth. Experience of pain is just too good a teacher. But its a good thing. We all need a little core of independence.

God ...all a bit too philosophical for 8am.
I need more

I know you never felt less like singing in your life. But is there a song - it need only be a simple chant or hymn or something from your DDs' childhood you sang to keep their spirits up? Just to have it in your head, something to hum. A tune as a kind of brainwashing to tell yourself it is going to be all right. Someone told me this before I went in to have DC1. Looking back perhaps she meant focus on the rhythm to help with breathing and fight rising panic.

Wow ... I had forgotten that Donkey. Was told about 'distraction singing' at an NCT class, and laughed all the way home at the idea of overcoming labour pains with my attempts at anything musical ..... I can't even hum right!!
Guess who sang through the labour ?!?!?!?!?
Worse ..... the endlessly repeated song ended up being a ridiculous Lonnie Donegan tune, because it happened to be on the radio that morning.

Anything is worth a try Mrs M. (just avoid Lonnie Donegan!)

"All things bright and beautiful" and a song by Simply Red "Stars" for me, MumnGran!

MumnGran, I agree about holding something back and i think one does but for me it was also about choosing to be with the type of man who encourages that independence, who takes pleasure in my success and achievements and pushes me to do things for myself.

My ex liked to make all the decisions and 'look after me', so gently discouraged any independence by 'protecting me' from things that would take me away from Him at all. At the time you don't see it. For example he arranged our wedding as a surprise to me, hadn't even asked me. At the time I thought that was so romantic, now I think it was utterly controlling.

It took a false start with a boyfriend who was quite controlling, but that made me think about what relationship I did want and I am very lucky and met my DH. It was a bit of a revelation to let go of the idea of a relationship being full of drama, slammed doors, passionate reconciliations and heartache and for it just to work, be easy and fun, but perhaps that's just me.

I must admit though that my desire to be in a relationship again, and to take that risk, was because I wanted a family. So, I totally get the decision to not get involved and Mumngran, I don't think that is bitterness or not knowing a good marriage, I think it's about finding what makes you happy. I truly believe that the battle scarred are better at figuring out what makes us happy. Skye, you are clearly getting there and Mrs M, believe it or not, so will you.

Clearly, I too need more tea.

Donkey ...at least your choices were 'occasion appropriate" (and quite sweet)! I have no idea where "Battle of New Orleans" could be fitted in as suitable accompaniment
( although I suppose ".....but the British kept a-coming" could be relevant )

Very, er, rousing MumnGran!

It is funny hearing what gets picked. "Like a Virgin" was one choice that jarred!

Hi Mrs. Are people giving you hugs btw? touch is so important when you are hurting soooo bad (((hug)))

I left my husband, and I shook. I didn't know what was going on, it was like withdrawals. Yet I had left him, not the other way around. I think after so long you became part of one another and to have the sudden withdrawal just rocks you to the core.

I'm sorry mornings are so challenging for you. I can't help thinking you could do with a pet to help with the mornings. I'm a dog person and there is nothing like a gorgeous little dog yapping about and being silly. If you don't want to commit to a dog re the new baby, how about a cat? There is something about a living, breathing thing that is so calming and soothing.

I'm dying to know what your 'plan' is!! It sounds SO exciting

Thinking of you a lot my dear. Keep reading the bible, there is power in those words, like medicine. 3 times a day - that's a prescription

xxxxx

Mrs m, you won't be in penury. Did you decide if you wanted to stay in the house? As you could move somewhere smaller and use the capital- and I expect he will have to stump up something.

Mornings - do you get out of bed or linger worrying? Do you have a radio or tv in the bedroom you can turn on and listen to first thing? Invest in a teas made as well maybe?

You have to distract yourself when you wake up- by either reading, watching tv with a coffee- think of a new routine, get the paper delivered and do the times crossword first thing with a coffee, make your list ( of things to do) watch abfab episode to make you laugh, anything to break the routine.

Imagine you are talking to your dd, what advice would you give her? Or imagine yourself sitting opposite you ( can you be your own best friend?) and have a chat with yourself. Sounds mad but it works for me:)

Good luck with your plan. I hope its going well.

Why are you all so wise on here? You bring me back from the brink you really do.

What the hell is wrong with me in the mornings? I shake and stammer and stutter every morning. It is withdrawal symptoms, am pretty sure it is. I think my life feels overwhelming in the mornings. And I miss him so much that it feels like I am going crazy with it. But if I keep busy the rest of the day then I can just about cope?

When the going gets tough I mainly phone my sister and she tells me I am better off without that' twat' in my life and that once I meet someone kind and decent then I will know what she is talking about! She says he was a bully who took far too much control and that I was far too soft on him and I will meet someone much better than him. Isn't it weird how I saw him differently from other people?

I can never imagine another man in my life, wouldn't know what to do with another one! I don't go anywhere to meet other men anyway. However I do not want to be on my own for the rest of my life. That i do know.

I drag myself out of bed in the mornings for my youngest daughter going to school. I make her breakfast and her packed lunch.
That is the only reason I manage to get up. If she wasn't here then god only knows what I would do......
It is a scary thought.
My family is all broken up now. Last year my eldest daughter moved out and now my husband has gone. It used to be so busy in here, now it is so quiet. Sometimes unbearably so.
I never imagined in a million years that my family would feel so fractured.

My normal routine has gone and I do not know what to do with myself anymore.

Hi Mrs M ...
sounding as though you haven't bounced back quite so much through the course of the day, today.
Lots of questions in those posts ( think you must be a masochist in being determined to make me break my own record for wittering on !!) So, here we go .... "have tea & comfy chair ready, or stop reading and skip to next"

Why are we all so wise?!? well that make me choke on my everyone else may be "wise" ... I'm just "wised-up" to bitter experience. And, Mrs M, you are already offering the same sorts of comforts & wisdoms to someone on another thread. Already being wise yourself, and passing it forward. I think if I am proud of womanhood for anything, its our ability to do that for each other.

Mornings. I think it might indeed be withdrawal symptoms, because the level of meds in your system, for the anxiety & depression, has dropped considerably through the night? Assuming you don't get up and take a tablet in the middle of the night. It would explain why it is so bad for you, first thing. Could you juggle the times of the medications so that the last one is as late as it can possibly be? If its bad enough, it might even be worth setting an alarm to take one during the night?

Thank God for our DD's though, hey. Just the need to function for them, make breakfast ... iron clothes ....Suspect many of us would have jumped off cliffs or ridden into the sunset if we had not had to keep going for our children. Certainly me. What a blessing you have DD2 still at home.

On which note ....life has changed radically, and I hadn't stopped to think that 'empty nest syndrome' was co-inciding with the major grief. The children going can be really tough on Mums who have focussed on their families for so many years.... without any other dramas going on. I have a very happily married friend who is not coping at all with her one and only going to uni. Cut yourself a bit pof slack Mrs M, on this one. Its OK to feel miserable because they are flying off but it is not 'broken family' You obviously did a great job in raising them, and so although the relationship changes, they are still our girls and will always be family for us.
And you have a new member coming very soon !!!!!

Got sidetracked there for a bit, and had to go back to your posts for a re-read!!

I am learning to like your sister more and more. We all need someone who "tells it like it is", although I agree its a surprise when you discover what people actually thought about the man you were married to for so long. A few people delighted in telling me that mine had hit on them, over the years. Gee ...thanks Your sister, on the other hand, has your best interests at heart ......and saw more than you ever thought. I think its a bit like living in a greenhouse, you only see the inner reality ... people standing outside see the bigger piccture ..... and also see how our personalities changed while we lived with these men. Her view backs up everything you now know about his behaviours. And part of the reason this all feelos so scary is because he controlled more than you ever realised. When they go, it feels like being adrift.

The good news is that the old Mrs M (the original Miss ????) is going to re-emerge. She is still in there somewhere ...and the door is now open again

Sending hugs. You really are doing well, though Mrs M. Much better than last week, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. How is the planner coming along? (and is the fridge door over stuffed with post-it "positives" yet

Oh!
Bother!
Knew I would miss a bit ...and it was the best bit!!

Men? starting over?? and not wanting to be alone! Those are really scary thoughts and honestly I think just too big to be focussing on at the moment. Can you have a mental "bin" where you can dump "thats too much to think about now" thoughts?
Its all about keeping it to working on one day at a time, and small goals. However, I will try to cheer you up by telling you about a small goal I had ....

Confessions time ^9 oclock watershed warning. Contains TMI
I didn't want to ever have another man in my life, but also didn't want my damned ex to be the last man I ever slept with. So I went on my first ever singles holiday, had a brilliant time, and just slept with someone. No attachment whatsoever. Just to get it over and done with. I had to have a whole bottle of wine to summon up the courage, and nearly died of embarrassment, Stayed in the bathroom for ages, chewing fingernails. God knows what he thought I was doing. And I had to come out eventually, and ........well......enough info I think!
I recommend it though and am now definitely NOT going to my grave having ex as last bonk of my life .... cos I've been practising (well, I needed to get better at the coming out of the bathroom thing!)

AND I discovered my ex was a far crappier lover than he thinks he is. Cheered me up no end, I hadn't had masses of comparisons prior to that.

So Mrs M. Not for now, not for tomorrow ..... but one day you will be posting on here about the terror of doing it with someone else for the first time, I can't wait for that thread
You can post to MN from behind the bathroom door,

Mumsgran, your posts are excellent.